Chapter 26
JEON JUNGKOOK
Soohyun had stopped crying after she said she needed to get back to work, leaving me with no choice other than to get coffee with Taehyung. I told him that Soohyun couldn't come and he didn't ask anymore, which I was grateful for because I didn't know what and how to say anything to him, and it wasn't really my place to tell.
It was more of just a quick coffee run, and we talked about nothing in particular. When we got back to the hospital, I threw myself into work over the following hours and managed to make it until 8 pm. I clocked out by then, thinking if I should come and check on Soohyun and tell her that if she needed a friend, Taehyung and I were just waiting to let her open up, and even if she didn't want to talk, we could indulge her with silence. Though in some ways, she probably already knew that, and I didn't need to constantly shove it in her face that hey, we're your friends, you can lean on us anytime, because that would be pushing. I stopped myself when I saw Soohyun walking towards the entrance as I reached the first floor, looking tired and resigned, with the towering figure of Namjoon following suit. They needed to talk. He had a lot of explaining to do. I couldn't help but feel infuriated, because putting aside what I felt for Soohyun (which had mellowed out, I thought), I was her friend before anything, and I wasn't saying that Namjoon was a bad person, but I hadn't expected Namjoon would do anything as bad as this to her.
But who am I to definitively think of that? Friend or not, I was still an outsider in their relationship, and my interference would mean nothing else. I was confident Soohyun knew better than anyone had ever given her credit for.
I glanced away and left when they had disappeared out of my sight.
. . .
PARK SOOHYUN
I shouldn't have let him in, because I didn't think Namjoon deserved stepping over my boundaries after all the mess today, but I chose to ask him to tell me the truth, if ever he was capable of doing that. He reluctantly walked in as I had turned on the lights in the small living room of my apartment, and he stared at me all the while with worried eyes. He sat on the couch and it was funny that he suddenly seemed out of place, like he never meant to fit in at all. I remained standing, maintaining a safe distance from him. If I got too close, I would possibly break down and I didn't want him to touch me as I fell apart.
I began, snapping through the disconcerting silence with hostility in my tone. "Look, I've been looking for you since yesterday, but it's difficult to see you right now."
This was the first time I had seen him appear vulnerable, as if his guard had voluntarily backed down with no intent of getting back up while his shoulders were slumped. "I'm sorry," he said in a weak voice.
I felt a lump forming in my throat. "That's all you could say? Why don't you make up some more excuses?"
'I'm sorry' sounded like an admission. 'I'm sorry' meant what I had discovered had some truth in it and I was deliberately lied to.
"I know my excuses are lame, but I'm telling you the truth. I got... scared. You probably think it's funny, but she... she threatened me that if I contacted you, she would find where you work and harass you, and I've known her for years. I knew she could do that. She forced me to give her my phone and asked me to stay at her place, so I did. I couldn't find a way to reach out to you while she was up my business the whole time – it's... it's crazy, I know – and maybe I didn't try hard enough. Earlier today, she just disappeared after telling me to look after our son..." The last word just kind of faded out, like he was struck with crippling affliction to say it out loud, and I let my own pain sit in my stomach, breathing in slowly and binding with reality as I felt like I was being separated from consciousness. I watched him fiddle with his fingers until his hands were shaking. He tried to conceal it, keeping his gaze on the floor. "I didn't expect that she would still do it. I never told her where you're working, I swear. I don't know how she figured it out, but it was stupid of me to tell her your name when she didn't stop asking. I know this situation warrants more than an apology, but I have to say sorry that I wasn't there to defend you, that she invaded your space, and I'm sorry for what I had done. If I just told you the truth, it could have changed everything, and what happened to you was not your fault, okay? This was all built around my hasty attempt to cover up one of my bad decisions in life.."
"God, Namjoon, why didn't you ever," I sucked in another breath and turned to my side as I felt the tears pricking my eyes, "Why did you have to hide such a huge matter like this from me?"
I thought I could handle the truth—
"It wasn't my intention to keep you in the dark, Soohyun. I knew one day I'd have to tell you the truth, and I really would. But I before thought soon isn't yet the best time, and—"
I cut him off. "And then I unexpectedly found out that you've been lying to me all along so you had no choice but to expose that you're married and you have a son?"
"We've been separated for over a year now."
I let out a sigh heavily. "Even if you're honest right now, that doesn't change anything. Do you think it'd get less complicated?"
"I know how important honesty is to you and I failed to show that—"
I laughed mirthlessly, wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand. "She called me a slut and a homewrecker, do you know how that feels?" His eyes grew wider and he gaped his mouth in disbelief. I had no idea what his wife or ex-wife had told him, but I wouldn't be proud too of telling anyone that I called someone derogatory names, even if you knew the person personally. "Do you know how it sort of broke me inside even when I know I'm not that kind of person, but it felt like I was transported back to the times I had been mistakenly painted like that by a few people before, in different words, but the same notion? I'm nothing but a brainless pretty face again."
His face softened even more with tearful eyes. Namjoon stood up and tried to reach for my hands but I moved away, avoidant of his touch. He said, "Whatever she told you doesn't matter. She doesn't know you at all. She's so good at spewing hurtful remarks—"
"How can I assure that they do not come from somewhere? Why did you make it seem like I was only having an affair with you?"
"You were never just the other woman to me. I'm still married, yes, that's true. But I promise you that Haesook and I are not together anymore. It's been over a year since we decided it wasn't working out and we had to break up. I hid the truth from you because that's out of your worries. I was single when you met me."
"Look at me. Do I look gullible and stupid to you?"
"Never, Soohyun. Why– I had never thought of you that way," he said, desperation clinging to his voice.
"You set me up."
"I didn't intend to make it look like that... I'm telling you this now, and it's for you to decide. I got married on a whim. And it was one of the worst decisions I made. There were a lot of things that I wish I wouldn't have done in the past, but meeting my son would never be one of them. I'm not proud of lying about one of the precious people who keeps me going..." Namjoon looked frustrated. His gaze traveled over my face, my hands, then back over his and the ground which had become his preferred view. "I properly asked for divorce. She agreed, but didn't take it so well. I didn't think it through because there are marriages like that don't work out no matter how hard you get it fixed, and the person I married isn't someone that's not that very good at it. I don't claim to be good at it either, but I didn't expect her to turn out to be someone I thought she'd never be. She was usually violent during our arguments, and mostly hit me with cruel words. I tried my best to make it work between us, because we have a son, and I don't want him to grow up in a dysfunctional household, you know? I tried so hard. But I also didn't want him to grow up in a family where his parents are at each other's throats all the time. That environment is so fucked up I'd rather choose a broken family than to stay in a loveless marriage. And she wouldn't sign the papers. She doesn't want to let go and let the both of us live in peace because she holds so much grudges against me and she says I don't deserve to be happy."
I buried my face in my hands, stayed that way for a minute, reminding myself I had to be calm even with pounding ears before facing him again. "Namjoon, I would have handled it, and it shocks me how easy it was for you to introduce your child as your nephew so you would feel less bad. Can you imagine how he would feel if he found out about it someday?"
"That's the only way I knew so I could be close with you—"
I stared incredulously. "Can you hear yourself?" I half-yelled.
"You wouldn't want to be with someone who hasn't yet gotten out of a bad marriage. I panicked and I liked you so much—"
"So you made a decision for me? Something that I could perfectly do myself? Just so you know, I also liked you enough that I could wait until you get divorced. You just needed to tell me and put in some trust."
"I was discouraged and I didn't think that would go easy like that—"
"No, even if I didn't react the way you wanted me to, it was just right to tell me before you formally asked to date me. Because I was going to be a part of your life, and you owe me something that could affect me, too, the moment I'd become your girlfriend. Do you understand that, Namjoon?"
"I know... but I also thought Haesook isn't someone you can easily deal with."
"So you think I wouldn't be able to manage the situation well? I can protect myself and I can even protect you from her when she's giving you a hard time. Because you're special to me and I wouldn't just stand there watching you get hurt... You're making me question if I really got to know who you are. If there's still so much more you're not saying that I should know about. It also bothers me that it hasn't crossed your mind that it's up to me whether I'd take it well or not. I know it's not easy and it would take you a lot of courage but I would have appreciated it so much if you said it right before. Now it feels like you didn't trust me enough that I would react just as normally as someone who won't judge you for it and won't take it against you."
"Soohyun, that's not what it is. I love you so much and I hope you know that. I have always been genuine with my words and actions and I feel bad that I haven't properly shown that love I am talking about. I feel bad that I made you think you're stupid for trusting me—"
"I know that, but that's not what I'm pointing out. It's like you had me blindly getting into a relationship with you. And do you know what hurts me more? You did not believe that I could do more for you. That I could wait until this part of your life eventually gets better... Surely you don't think that I'm just here for you to tell me sweet nothings?"
It wouldn't ever change the fact that he was still married. He's separated and working on divorce. If I knew everything before, I could still gladly deal with him – a divorced man with baggage; who cares, right? Namjoon was a good man and after all, it was my choice – and wait even more, get to know him more, find anything that would keep me closer to him or maybe away from the relationship. Probably I would still have given him just friendship first and we could work our way through anything from then. Because at the moment, people would see it from a bad angle and think I was the problem. Just like I did, they would reason out: 'he's still legally tied to his wife.' I was the other woman. And I wouldn't be able to justify myself although I didn't consciously jump into this kind of situation. Even if I told them I got left in the dark. Nobody would really believe that I had only been clueless.
"Could you leave now? Please? I'm just really tired and I don't have much energy to argue with you any longer. And don't bother to call or text me."
"I'll see you again, right?" he asked, fear evident on his face.
"When I am ready," I answered, sounding so distant.
"We'll still... talk about this and fix this, Soohyun, okay? I won't let Haesook do it to you ever again."
"You have to let me decide on this one."
"O-of course. I'm going to leave now," he paused and searched for my eyes, ''I love you," he said as if he was expecting the same words in return. Something that would reassure him that we would be okay even after this.
I kept silent and opened the door for him so he could go out.
I saw the sheer uncertainty and horror cross his expression, and it took him a few more minutes before he hesitantly walked away.
Even then, I still couldn't breathe.
. . .
My hunches were right. Some of the colleagues I saw in the hallways of my department regarded me with curious glances that were not exactly subtle as they might have tried to be, and I blatantly ignored them. It was bad enough that they already assumed I was someone's other woman. I didn't need to worry about the mere looks they were giving me. But I felt the weight of them as I soon as I entered my team's office and the air had suddenly gone strange, my presence had them moving awkwardly toward their morning coffees and working cubicles. The news apparently had spread like a wildfire. This proved that doctors weren't really too busy to catch up with the recent rumors.
"Good morning," I greeted as I placed my bag on the swivel chair. "What's wrong with you, guys? You can just ask me whether it is true or not. I won't dare to lie. I had enough of that."
They started to return the greeting in cautious voices, and they all looked embarrassed.
Jaehyun began, "We didn't speak ill of you behind your back, I swear. A doctor from the other team just happened to tell it to me then I... shared it with them. I was just curious, but of course, it's not my business—"
"I'm not cheating on anyone with Namjoon. It was all a big misunderstanding."
Yang Mina looked surprised. "What you asked me yesterday was actually your—"
I replied, "Yeah."
Her eyebrow raised. "What a jerk."
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't want to talk about it." That was all they could know.
I met Taehyung and Jungkook during my work break, went out for dinner with them, and the same thing happened over the next days, completely ignoring the mess in my head, trying to blow off steam. I knew Jungkook had been wanting to ask me about Namjoon every time we would be left together, his silence filled with unsaid questions and curiosity dancing in his eyes, but I appreciated that he refused to voice them out.
I just couldn't find it in me to talk about it already.
I wondered sometimes if I was overreacting. That maybe, this wasn't what I was supposed to do or feel, because after all, I was still out of the equation, and I liked Namjoon enough to forgive him, and then I would help him sort his issues out in any way possible, if he even wanted me to. I would patiently wait.
But at the back of my mind, I couldn't clearly see myself staying.
I couldn't think if it was worth staying for.
And it terrified me not having those thoughts.
. . .
JEON JUNGKOOK
"You're leaving Severance?"
Southside Parlor in Itaewon was unusually almost empty tonight, comfortable silence ghosting every space while we're sitting at a table tucked into a corner. I was occasionally sipping the custom drink the owner made for us, bouncing my leg.
"Right after I pass the surgical board exam, yeah," Yoongi said to Taehyung. "I am just trying to make it until then. The working environment is too much. When you're constantly overworked and being lambasted all the time, it doesn't make you appreciate your job. I am also studying for the board exam. My wife's been complaining why I always work even on Sunday's, and you know she's three months pregnant. I keep worrying when I am not home. It doesn't help that Doctor Won is an asshole."
I nodded in agreement. "I wish I could make time go by faster. So I could leave, too."
"You could do that now."
My hand closed around the glass. "Nah, just like you I'm trying to make it until after I hopefully get my surgical license. I'll be on my last year of residency soon. Seems like a hassle to move to another hospital."
I watched Taehyung smile. He already looked tipsy. "As much as I'd like to move as well, the pay is not that bad in Severance. Badly need that money. Eunji said she wants to get into med school like I did, but she told me she could study something else, something way less expensive, if we really can't afford paying for her studies. I didn't know what to say. Now she's studying really hard for the Suneung and she's aiming to get into Hanyang." Something kicked in my guts. Taehyung had always put his family first before himself, saying he'd give them the life they deserve. He worked a few part-time jobs when we were in med school because he couldn't afford Medicine in the first place, even if he relied on student loans and scholarships. It looked impossible for him to be a doctor. He was still paying off his debts until now, renting a small apartment here in Seoul, while consistently sending money to his family in Daegu. His parents were in mid-fifties and his eldest sister married young without finishing her degree. I couldn't imagine how huge the responsibility was, and I hadn't really heard him complain that much. He was one of those people who kept reminding me not to take anything for granted.
I had a privilege of studying without having to worry if I still could enroll for the next semester due to financial constraints, and while he was struggling to think of ways to continue, I was thinking of ways to quit.
But what makes them worse or better? Both are struggles. Both are valid.
Something bitter was sitting in my stomach. Maybe it was the vodka.
I took another drink. Burning, unpleasant aftertaste hit me at once. Taehyung and Yoongi had done the same.
I was suddenly anticipating Thursday.
. . .
"Don't you think something's off with Soohyun and Namjoon?" Taehyung asked me.
I shrugged my shoulders, holding back myself from saying more other than, "They might not be on good terms now, I guess."
"That's what I think, too. It's been three weeks since I had seen Namjoon. She's not mentioning him at all. And it started when we were in Busan, right? It had something to do with him. Something must have gone wrong from that phone call she got. Lovers' quarrel."
How I wish it was just something like that. A petty dispute.
I didn't say anything.
"Jiwon asked about you."
I said, "Huh, what did she say?"
"You blocked her."
"She kept calling me when I didn't even want to talk to her."
"She also said you wouldn't give her a glance when you pass by each other—"
"Trying not to give her false hope."
"— but she said she understands why."
I arched my brows. "I am not sure about that."
. . .
Soohyun
Hey you stopped sending music recs
Haven't discovered new songs lately. Sorry.
Oh no it's okay!
You were absent today? Didn't see you at work.
And I wasn't really able to meet Taehyung. I got super busy.
I took the afternoon off. I went somewhere.
Oh...
Are you okay?
Yup!
glad to hear that. i've been worried about you.
How should I put all the other worries I had about her into words? I had never been good at this. And I didn't want to ask until she'd come around to initiate.
I appreciate that so much.
You? How's everything?
Still the same. But I'm managing just fine.
Let's hope everything gets better :D
**Intensely** hoping
Can I call?
My heart skipped a beat. It took me a couple of minutes to reply.
Why?
Wrong fucking move. Why would you send that?
Oh sorry
You probably have something to do.
Didn't intend to sound like I didn't want you to
I'm sorry.
Was just curious.
I can call you right now
Are you still there?
Soohyun?
I sat on the edge of my bed as I kept waiting for her message until the screen went black. I drew my brows together when she replied after a moment of uneasiness.
hey
thank goodness you answered. i thought you already went to bed upset.
Figured gonna sleep in a while. Just want to get this off my chest.
I broke up with Namjoon today.
He cried a lot in front of me.
And I'm feeling so bad right now. I am not sure if I made the right decision.
I sat right there, not knowing how I should compose my words, my fingers hovering over the screen. For a second, I doubted if I knew them well enough. What was I supposed to tell her? What was I supposed to make her feel?
You don't have to reply anything!
Good night.