I think I was more anxious about being away from Lizzie than she was. It felt weird waking up in the morning without some part of her body laid on me. Or waking up to kisses. Even breakfast was different. I went to make breakfast muffins after weighing out the oats I remembered she wasn't home to eat them so there was no need to make them. I grabbed an apple and went to the office to start my day.
Not hearing her soft singing or her chattering in the phone to her friends was weird the house was quiet and I hated it. Not having to ask if she wants the first or second shower and not having her in the bathroom with me whilst I showered and got ready for bed. We hadn't spoken all day because she had been busy in meetings and I was meant to be doing work but the lack of noise somehow made it hard to concentrate.
I laid in bed and it was cold and big and I couldn't get comfortable. I ended up finding her perfume from the dressing room and spraying my pillow with it in attempt to bring me some comfort and when that didn't work I called her it rang to answerphone and I sighed. "Hello." My mum says concerned down the phone. "I think I'm broken." "What?" She asked amused. "Lizzie left last night and I can't fall asleep or concentrate or do anything. I forgot my shoes when I left the house today. She always reminds me to put them on. And I can't sleep and I want her to come home. I think my brain is broken. I'm like an addict or something." She laughed at me. "Mum it's not funny I'm serious. I don't like it. It feels weird." "That's love honey." "Well I want to return it. I feel empty." "Aww sweetie. You're just used to her being there. You've not been apart in almost a year." "But since when have I been codependent on another person? It's just not me." "You've changed. You've not shut off from the world. You've actually let someone in." "Well, I need to stop. Because I can't sleep. I can't eat the house is too big." "Do you have the car?" "Yeah." "Drive home, come stay at the house whilst she's away...Lizzie house has always been a shared space. You're used to being on you're own at the house it might help you adjust." "You think she's going to come back?" I asked getting out of bed picking up the pillow with her perfume on it and her hoodie. "Honey, you're getting married in less than 3 months. I'm almost certain she'll come back." She was amused by this whole thing but it actually scared me a little. I haven't needed someone like this since my dad. And when he died the amount of pain I felt I never wanted to feel it again. I promised myself I would let this happen. Losing Ria and then my dad. I didn't need to do it again and then Cassie passed and it was agonising and what if Lizzie leaves? Suddenly all her anxiety surrounding me leaving made sense to me. What if she felt like this too and I just didn't realise I felt like this because she's just been there. I drive to mums she talks to me in the phone about none sense until I arrived and she met me at the door.
"Good evening, Nelly bear." She greeted mockingly. "Good evening mother." She hugged me before letting me in we both go straight to her room. "Are you for real?" She asked when I jumped in her bed. "I missed my momma." I say with a pout and she chuckled laying beside me. "And you brought your own pillow because?" "It's Lizzie's." I say sheepishly. "My love sick puppy."
Princess
Hey Angel, sorry I couldn't answer your call I was with Scarlett at dinner. I'm assuming you're asleep. Can you turn on the water for the plants in the morning? We're having a heatwave.
I had too big of an ego to admit I couldn't sleep without her so I put my phone down. "Was that Elizabeth?" Mum asked. "Yeah." "Did you tell her you're in your muma's bed because you can't stand to be away from her?" She was teasing me. "That's embarrassing why would I admit that?" "Because it'll show her that you care about her too. That you're as invested in her. Maybe that she isn't so ridiculous to think she's too attached to you. That you are also attached and comfortable with her being home."
I miss you
Today's been awful ☹️
Can't sleep without you. Currently at mums house in her bed
Aww angel. I miss you too
I'm staying at the house and it feels so empty
Our house is far to big here!
The music was echoing that's how empty the house is without you
I hate this
It's only for a few days, I'll be home Saturday afternoon.
I think I'm going to stay at mums house. I'll check on your plants
Wear sunblock please. I don't want to come home to you all burnt
I'm not making promises. With you not too here I might just turn into a crispy piece of bacon
Nell
Just means you have to come home to take care of me
Do all your boring sun safety stuff
Don't be a pain in my ass
Wear sunblock
Wear a lot of it and reapply it when you get out of the water.
Make me
I watch the dots of her messaging me appearing and disappearing.
I decided against my early messages and am simply going to say call me in the morning. I love you and I miss you.
I miss you too
I love you
We need a new plan for work and travel please
I can't be away from you and the baby.
Still thinking of our baby, Huh?
My thoughts are always surrounding our future family. Why do you think I stayed behind to work?
Im crying
Aww Princess
Im sorry
I love you a lot and I'm glad you told me you couldn't sleep too because neither can I. I stole your hoodie and your perfume is empty because I've sprayed the entire house with it.
I owe you
I've done the same.
Stolen your pillow too
We're a mess
That we are
Get some sleep my Princess
You too Angel
I sighed content with our conversation. I wasn't on my own in feeling this. Not that I wanted her to feel like crap too. But I wasn't losing my mind this was kind of a normally feeling to not want to be away from the women you love and to actually miss them. Like really miss them.
I settled beside my mum my face pushed into Lizzie's pillow mums arm wrapped around me and she stroked through my hair. "Dad would be so happy for you, Nelly Bug." She said I kept my eyes closed. "We're both so proud of you and everything you're achieving not just in work but your relationships too. We always wanted you to be happy. And the fact you've found your person that will make you happy forever so young fills me with joy every time I think about it." She didn't say anything for a moment. "I know the past few years haven't been easy for you. Losing your sister after everything too but I'm proud you kept strong my little bug. Kept your heart and your amazing smile." She was crying or at least getting choked up as she spoke to me. I understand why she's talking to me when she thinks I'm asleep. Whenever she brings this type of stuff I make a joke or I tell her to stop to avoid it. It's still hard to talk about. It's always going to be hard to talk about. "You're beautiful and you deserve the world and I know your dad would give anything to be there at your wedding. And I know how much you dreamt of your wedding and him walking you down the aisle and your father-daughter dance and his reaction to your dress. I know how badly you wanted that with him. And how desperate he was to have that with you. I'm sorry he can't be there. Baby girl, I'm so sorry." She squeezed me tightly and I responded by moving onto her chest and off the pillow. I kept my eyes closed pretending to be asleep. "He wanted to be there to share that with you. You spoke about it all the time." She pecked the top of my head. I'd speak about my wedding all the time. I was obsessed with planning it and telling everyone about my plans despite me being 15 and younger at the time. Dad always listened and he'd say "the only way you're walking down the aisle and leaving this family is with my blessing." And I'd say "always. I'm going to find an amazing person and you'll love them." He'd raise an eyebrow not really believing anyone was good enough for me. But I do think he'd approve of Lizzie. He'd have loved everything about her. I tried not to cry as I thought about him not being here. With how busy we've been I haven't had a chance to properly think about the absence of my father at the wedding. I can't imagine him not being at my wedding despite him being gone all these years now. But I know he'd approve of Liz. And she's taking our name so in a way I'm not going against his wishes of leaving the family by getting married and changing my name without his approval of the family I'm marrying in too. "He'd be so happy for you, bug. His little girl all grown up." She squeezed me again, I felt her tears soak into my hair and I wanted to comfort her but it would ruin the moment so I laid still, letting her hold me.
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After work I went out to the beach with a bottle of sunblock. Lizzie would literally kill me if she came home and I had burnt my shoulders or face because I've been out in the sun too much without protection. I didn't have many clothes with me so this morning when I went to check on the plants and the house in general I picked a few things up for work.
I laid in the sun with music playing just relaxing, it was the only thing I could think of doing without having to be reminded that Lizzie was in New York. Mum was still at work and it reminded me of when I was a teen. I'd be the first to get home from school, I'd run to my room on the top floor change into my bathing suit and rush out to the beach and soak up the sun, relax in the water. We had a pool but I always preferred the sea, there was something completely freeing about the endless miles streatching out in front of me, there was no restrictions. Ria would be with me too we'd sit on the big rock and do our homework and when mum came home we'd eat dinner wrapped in a towel because we were too lazy to change into regular clothes.
I sat up and looked at the waves rolling in, the sea was calm today and the sun was scortching, the heatwave really has hit. I applied the suncream to my body the best I could, I hated wearing it but Lizzie always insisted, she'd sneak attack me just before I laid down or when I got up to get a drink from the house, it was annoying but it was a cute way of her telling me she cared. I eventually decided I was going to go into the sea and have a swim and a float.
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I wasn't sure how long I was floating around for but mum was now home and I swam back to shore as she was calling me. "Have a good day sweetie?" I nodded grabbing my towel and drying off before applying the sunblock. "How was the store today?" "Good, it's getting busy again." "I have a free morning if you want me to help out. I have shoots in the afternoon." "That would be lovely if you have the time." Mum looked at me funny when I picked up the sunblock. "Lizzie's orders." "So you do listen to someone then. Maybe she can tell you to eat more vegetables." "She does... I don't listen." mum chuckled at me and helped put the sunblock on my back. "Do you want to go out for dinner tonight? My treat." I suggest so we could spend some time together. She seemed surprised at my request. "That would be lovely, Nell." "Okay, I'll book us a table. Lizzie and I found this lowkey Italian place. It's perfect." I gushed. "We could invite Jr and Kate." I nodded. "Yeah, for sure." I rubbed the sunblock up and down my arms. "Have you spoken to Lizzie today?" "No, she's really busy over there." "Oh how the tables have turned." "Yeah, I guess they have." I was normally the one busy with work.
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Mum, me, Jr and Kate go out to dinner and we talk about their baby and the wedding and mum cries because she's so excited for her two grandsons who will be here soon. Tony's little boy is due at the end of Novemeber and Jr's little boy is due near the end of December closer to Christmas time. Then we started speaking about names. "I kind of want to use Robert... You know, first born son and all." Jr says. "We could do Robbie." "No." I deadpan. "Or not." Kate chuckled. "I'd go by Robert and he'd be Jr." "Or you could do Robert something and use the intials." I suggested not liking the idea of calling Jr Robert... It sounded far too formal. "Ooh I like that idea! We're doing that." Kate tells Jr. "Okay, okay." He calmed his excited girlfriend down. "Always had the best ideas didn't you." I scrunched my nose up as I smiled a habit I have formed because of Lizzie.
"When are you popping one out then." Jr nudged me. "Me? Never." I say laughing. "You're not having children?" Katie asked me. "I mean Lizzie wants to carry them so we will I just won't be doing the popping part." I joke brushing it off not ready for people to know our plans. There was still so much anxiety surrounding it, there's so much that could go wrong. We might not catch pregnant right away, the eggs might not be as good as they thought, Lizzie could miscarry, the hormones may not work. There was a lot and after losing the baby last year it was still raw and scary. I didn't want to go through that again more importantly I didn't want Lizzie to have to go through that again, she's just managing now to be back to her normal self again but there are days I know she's hurting. It was horrible and I was terrified she'd have to go through that all over again. I know how badly she wants a baby and family. "So do you have plans?" "We've spoken about it but nothing is set in stone. It's all a lot more complicated than it is for you guys." I chuckled playing it down.
I'd tell them when I know for sure the baby is safe and okay and Lizzie is safe and okay. We moved onto the topic of Thanksgiving and Christmas. We'd be going to Washington for Thansgiving which means Lizzie and I need to talk about who's family we're visiting. Tony's girlfriend would be heavily pregnant if not giving birth so she won't be able to fly or travel so we're going there. And at Christmas we'll be here because of Katie. I don't want to be away from Lizzie, it will be our first holidays together as wives so it was important we were together. But I also really want to witness Tony's babies first Christmas. So we'd have to talk about it and work out what we wanted to do. "What are you doing for your birthday this year?" Mum asked me. "I don't know. Nothing..." "Nothing?" Jr asked surprised. "I mean I have a lot of work to do. I have these events for Chanel so I'll be busy with that." "But nothing. It's your 25th." "I know." "So you have to do something... Even a beach BBQ." "I might be in NYC by then." I point out. I miss my house and my city. I want to go home. "Then we'll come to you." "No, it's fine. I'll probably spend the day with Lizzie." "We could go to the theatre." Jr suggests. "Or the club you like." I gave him a look to shut up. "I think I'm just going to hang with Liz for the day, maybe a meal in the evening."
Once dinner was wrapped up I paid the bill and jr made a joke about me and money and how I'm a high flyer now. I hit him and pushed him out of the doors. "I expect a big gift for the baby." I flipped him off. "Mum she swore." "Eleanor." Mum warned me and I rolled my eyes. "You're such a baby." I say to him. "Mum she's being mean." 'Eleanor." she warned again. I kicked him. "Mum she kicked me." "Eleanor apologise to your brother for kicking him." I raise an eyebrow. "Apoligise or now ice-cream in bed tonight." "Sorry." I mumbled with a pout. "Children the pair of you, get in the car." Mum tugged my arm. "Bye Kate." I hugged her before climbing in our car. Mum drove us home.
I was texting with Liz, she was filling me in on the meeting she had today. She told them our plans and they still want her to sign and they'll work around her. She wanted to know my opinion on it. I just want her to do what's best for her. I told her I'd call her when I got home. So I did. We spoke for hours going through every detail, where she'd be filming, how many hours, what would she be filming, when would she be filming, if she wanted to do this, if she still wanted a break, how it would work with a baby, how it would work with pregnancy, how comfortable she is about going back to work. When did she want to go back to work. It was a long conversation and I kept my opinion to myself listening to her so she could figure out what she wanted. I didn't want to put pressure on her to do as I wanted. Because that's not the type of girl I am.
"What do you think?" She asked me. I shrugged and adjusted myself on my bed. "I think you should do whatever you want to do." "But our lives are interwined now, especially after the wedding I can't sign a contract if you don't want me to." "Sure you can if you really want to. I'm not dictating your career, Liz." "I know but I want your opinion on this and I know you have one because you have an opinion on everything." "I gave you my opinion." I point out and she rolled her eyes and sighed. "I think if you're ready to go back to work you should do it." "Stop being a politician." I chuckled. "I want you to be happy and if working will make you happy sign the contract if it wont don't. Do I think it would be good for you to be working again? Yes. But do I want to push you to do something you're not ready for? No, not in this case anyway." She nodded listening to me. "I think you should do what you want to do. I'd support you whatever your choice." "But what if you don't want me to do it and I sign and it causes an argument." "I will support you no matter what, don't be fearful of persuing something and me not being there because I'll always be there for you." She nodded. "I don't know what to do." She rubbed her face and her hands slipped into her hair. "Princess." She looked back at the camera. "Right." She took a slow breath and removed her hands from her hair. "I don't want to pick the wrong thing." "You won't. Just take sometime to think about it." "Can't you tell me what to do?" She whined. "I can't, Princess. This is something you need to decide for yourself." "But I don't want to." "You gotta..." She chewed her lip. "But you're okay if I do sign?" I nodded. "I'm okay if you do. I'm okay if you don't." I say staying neutral. If she signed would I be anxious about the baby constantly yes but she knows how to take care of herself and I doubt she'd do anything she wasn't sure the baby would be safe doing.
"You look exhausted, Princess. Get some sleep and call me in the morning." She nodded. "Are you working?" "At the coffee shop yes but I can answer my phone." "Okay." "I love you, Princess." "I love you too, Angel." I smiled at her as I laid down in my bed, she copied snuggling into the bear. I'm surprised she still used that thing. "I'm here." I whispered to her. "I'm here." She said back. I proped my phone up so I could see her as we both settled down. It was only 8 where she was but I could tell she was tired enough to go to sleep now. We stayed on the call all night like we used to when we were long distance. I stayed awake until she was asleep and then I let my body fall into a light slumber.
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LIZZIE'S POV
"Lizzie, hi!" Annabella hugged me tightly. "Hi, how are you?" I hugged her back. "I'm good, was your flight okay?" I nodded. "Yeah it was, felt like forever though." We both chuckled. "Because you were waiting to come home." I nodded. "I must have checked the time like 100 times." She smiled at me. I had come home early to surprise Nell, well that and I couldn't stand being away from her another night.
"She's out on the beach." "I thought so much." I say smiling to myself, she was always on the beach when she was here, it's like her safe space. "I'll take your bag you go out to see her. She's missed you." "It's been nice to hear it, not that I want her to feel like that." "She keeps things to herself you know that." I nodded. "Just glad I'm not the only one that's obsessed." We both chuckled and I made my way through the house to find Nell. I quietly made my way out seeing her sat in the middle of the beach pretty much playing her guitar, her soft voice travelling through the air to my ears, I enjoyed the sound and took in her words as she played in her own world.
I tilted my head as I listened to her voice, it was a song about the her dad, it was beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes as she sang peacefully, I don't hear her play often at all maybe twice and she only sang when the music was too loud to pick her voice out or when she was annoying me and screeching the lyrics of the song in the car.
"I wish that heaven had visiting hours
So I could just show up and bring the news
That she's gettin' older and I wish that you'd met her
The things that she'll learn from me, I got them all from youCan I just stay a while and we'll put all the world to rights?
The little ones will grow and I'll still drink your favorite wine
And soon, they're going to close, but I'll see you another day
So much has changed since you've been awayI wish that heaven had visiting hours
So I could just swing by and ask your advice
What would you do in my situation? I haven't a clue how I'd even raise them
What would you do? 'Cause you always do what's rightCan we just talk a while until my worries disappear?
I'd tell you that I'm scared of turnin' out a failure
You'd say, "Remember that the answer's in the love that we create"
So much has changed since you've been awayI wish that heaven had visiting hours
And I would ask them if I could take you home
But I know what they'd say, that it's for the best
So I will live life the way you taught me, and make it on my ownAnd I will close the door, but I will open up my heart
And everyone I love will know exactly who you are
'Cause this is not goodbye, it is just 'til we meet again
So much has changed since you've been away."
She sat still for a few moments before she wiped under her eyes and took the guitar off. I walked over and sat silently beside her, she jumped slightly before registering it was me and diving on me. I chuckled and held her back just as tight. "This is my job." I tell her, completely joking. I was normally the clingy one, the one that missed her so much I was dying to get back to her. It's been nice to know how she was feeling and that she misses me just as much as I miss her. She didn't say anything just held me tightly, I pushed my face into the crook of her neck and planted soft pecks. "I missed you, bug." I whispered to her. "I missed you too." She says back as we pulled away. We both looked as tired as each other. Sleeping in a big empty bed isn't as easy as it used to be.
I rubbed my hands over her shoulders and down her sides noticing the lack of burning despite the heat wave. I smiled kind of proud that she had taken care of herself in terms of the sun. Like I asked. "What?" She asked tilting her head. "You wore sunblock." "I did. Because I knew you'd kick my ass when you got home." "That's right." I joked back.
I gazed into her eyes and there were flicks of brown in them but mostly they were my favourite shade of green, she looked back at me her eyes flicking between my eyes. "I liked your song." I say breaking the silence. She looked over her shoulder at the discard guitar and shrugged before looking back. "It was really pretty." I praised. "How was NYC? How's the house? How's the apartment?" "The house and apartment are both still good. The weather was actually decent too." "Good, I can't wait to go back home and just be back in he city." "It's just how we left it waiting for you." She smiled at me.
I reached for the neck of the guitar. "Play me something." "No thank you." "Please." "No." "You used to say no a lot less when we first started dating." "You used to ask for a lot less too." I pretended to be offended. "I really missed you." She told me looking down at her hands as she twisted her ring around her finger. I tilted her chin up with my finger. "I missed you too, my Angel. So much." "How is your mum?" "She's good, misses you." "We'll take a trip to see her even if it's a 24 hour thing." She assured me. I liked that she wanted to spend time with my family too.
"Do you still have work this evening?" "Night shoot." I pouted. "You can come though." I gave her a really look. "It's just me and another model and the team it won't be a problem." She assured me. "If you're sure." She nodded. We spent a while on the beach before I got too hot and we headed inside to eat with Annabella. I was filled in on all the gossip from he coffee shop, a man came in with a parrot the other day apparently. Crazy people in California.
Once we caught up with Anna we went home and I unpacked whilst Nell got herself ready for work. The house was spotless and my garden was tended too. I didn't expect any less from Nell she liked to have everything in it's place. I smiled at the missing pillow on our bed clearly she forgot it at her mums. When she was ready to go we went to grab a juice each before going to the shoot location. I loved watching her work. I tried to take tips from her but it came so effortlessly to her, she just knew how to move her body in such a way the photographer was happy with and her facial expressions matched. The other model was a guy and they were all over each other, I had to keep reminding myself it was for work so I didn't go over there and pull his hands off her body.
When it was wrapped she came straight over to me our arms locking around each other. "Glad you came?" She asked me. "Oh so glad." I say sarcastically. "I love seeing you be felt up my a man." She chuckled. "So dramatic, Olsen." She playfully rolled her eyes. She changed and went to look at a few of the shots before we headed home.
I sighed content when we slid into bed our body fitting together like perfect puzzle pieces. We needed to get used to being away from each other more or working less. Because those few days were torturous, nothing felt right. The house felt empty and big and deafeningly quiet.
I laid my head on her chest listening to her heartbeat as my fingers danced along her toned stomach, she ran her fingers through my hair and down my spine. I pushed my lips against her neck. "I love you, Angel." "I love you too, Princess." She replied easily.
"Are you busy tomorrow?" I asked her. "I have one building shoot in the morning." "Can we do something?" I looked up at her to see her nodding. "What do you have in mind?" I shrugged. "Something fun." "We could see if we can get into a cooking class, or maybe pottery painting at the studio near mums, or a dance class." She suggested. She always came up with the best ideas, she knew the best places to go and where I'll have fun. "We can decide in the morning." She added yawning. I yawned straight after both of us taking the hint to let ourselves fall into a nice easy sleep after longing for each other presence.