Jackson stayed at the hospital last night so I'm alone when I wake up. It's been a week since the hospital was attacked, it's hard for any of us to speak about it. Jackson and I haven't spoken about anything but work since it happened. Even then only because we have too, I much prefer silence anyway.
I get out of bed and make myself toast. My phone buzzes. It's Derek.
How are you doing?
I lean on the counter, both hands gripping my phone and I send a reply.
Shouldn't I be asking you that? You're the one that got shot
I don't have to wait long for an answer.
Well I'm doing better. You're turn.
I sigh, putting my phone on the counter and finish making my breakfast. I pour a cup of coffee and sit on the bar stool. I puzzle over how to answer because physically I'm fine, I never got hurt during everting that happened but there is a part of me that wakes up and dreads going to work in the morning. Like today might be my last, that someone might choose to take me out of it without consulting me. I have nightmares, they get so bad I can wake up screaming in the middle of the night. That's part of the reason Jackson stays at the hospital.
I eat my breakfast, wash up my plate and things before getting in my car. I don't reply to Derek, I want to think about my answer more. Which one will get me into the OR quicker?
Traffic is slow, I wish I had left earlier. I should make it in time though. On the way to work my phone rings, it's connected to my car speakers so I accept the call.
"Hey." It's Jackson. I check my mirrors, turning a corner "hey." I reply. It lapses into awkward silence, it's like we don't know how to talk anymore. Even though we are the same people we were a week ago, something has shifted and I don't think we can shift it back. He clears his throat down the phone and asks "what time does your shift start?" I drum my fingers on the wheel, still stuck in traffic "in about 20 minutes, there is traffic so I might be late. Could you tell Arizona to put someone on my service I don't care who."
Another pause, "yeah sure, see you later." The line cuts off before I can say goodbye.
I have my meeting with my Therapist and he clears me for surgery. I rush up Mark, the biggest fake smile on my face "I've been cleared." I say and he smiles for real. Everyone is standing in the main hall ready for an announcement "that's great Andy! Seriously!." I smile for real. Alex comes over to us, a furrow in his brow "have any of you seen Lexie?" I shake my head letting my eyes land on the floor "no we haven't." Mark says and he moves along.
I sigh in relief and look up at him "thank you." I say, Mark folds his arms "when are you going to break up with Avery?" I bite the inside of my cheek. I rock back and forth on my heels and answer "I don't know, he deserves it. I mean he deserves someone who will actually feel as intensely but I just don't know. I don't want to hurt him." The plastic surgeon nudges my shoulder with his arm "you need to do it soon or you'll hurt him more."
I side step away from him "what's your plan for getting Lexie back?" I cock my head to the side, Mark scoffs and walks off. Not liking the turn in conversation.
Just then the doors open revealing Derek, next to him is April and a few paces behind if Cristina and Meredith. Everyone starts clapping and I join in, even if I can't take any joy from it. It's the moral support that counts I guess. "Thank you." He says taking the scans from Kepner's hands and rushing ip the steps, "thank you. It's great to be back. First of all, I'd like to thank Doctor Webber for stepping up in my absence. Thank you." The clapping picks up again. "Im grateful for all of you, for all of your support during my recovery. Thank you. It's just so great to be back as chief. Im grateful for the.... Im sorry, that's a lie. It's what people say and the truth is..... i hate being chief. I hate it. Chief Webber. Chief Webber is our chief. And I'm sorry but this giant.... Sorry, I've got to go look at this chordoma. I'm sorry, but.... I quit."
He walks back down the steps and races off. Everyone seems shocked and starts muttering. Alex sidles up next to me "well that was a dumpster fire." He jokes and I nod, putting my cold hands in my pockets "it was definitely something." I make to move but Alex grabs me gently on the waist, stopping me.
"We need to talk about the hospital." He says in a whisper close to my ear, I can't help but lean into him "I know but.... I need time. I need to talk to Jackson." His grip tightens on my waist for a split second before he lets me go, his arm dropping to his side.
I am in the pit stitching up a teenage boy's face, he ran straight into a brick wall. No fun. "Almost there Christian." I say just finishing the last stitch. The bou winces and I finish up "all good now, I want you to come back in in a-" I start but am cut off by a loud bang. Like a gun. He is here. He is going to shoot me. Without thinking what I'm doing I launch up and away from my patient, hands covering my head and I am shaking uncontrollably.
"Hey." Someone soothes me, rubbing a hand up and down my back "hey it's ok, why don't we go somewhere?" I look up and see Teddy giving me a look with her kind eyes. I look at the rest of the pit and everyone is looking at me. I bite my lip and nod my head letting Teddy lead me out. She leads me to an empty hallway, I lean on the wall, head pressed again it.
Tears are forming in my eyes "I'm sorry." I say sniffing "I don't know what's wrong with me." Teddy stands opposite me, looking understanding as she says "you've got PTSD. I've seen it plenty in soldiers." I scoff and wipe my eyes. "Yeah well I wasn't in a war. So.." she sighs and moves to stand next to me "doesn't make your feelings any less valid. During the shooting you were scared, you were held at gunpoint. Anyone would be messed up by that." I shrug, eyeing my hands.
I don't reply and we stay in silence a little while long "are you ok?" She asks and I nod, waving her off as nonchalantly as I can "yeah, you go. I'll be fine." She seems like she wants to press but decides against it. Leaving me alone.
I stay in the hallway for a while longer, my hands still shaking. Footsteps sound and I look up "hey." Alex says, I look away "hey." He gets closer as I slide down onto the floor, he joins me. "I heard about what happened in the Pit." He says and I move my head to look at him "how are you unaffected by what happened? I mean he literally shot you." He shrugs, scooting closer to me.
"It isn't without effort." He admits "some days it's hard, sometimes I don't even feel it." He grabs my hand but I don't fight it. I let him place my hand on his right side, I feel a lump there "is that the bullet?" I ask sitting up. Alex nods, dropping my hand "yeah." I shake my head in concern, giving him my disappointed look "you should get that removed." Alex moves closer. "Why should I? My pain won't last that long, not compared to yours, not compared to Lexie's." I frown and tilt my head to the side, I realise I'm not crying. "What happened to Lexie?"
He sits up, his legs only slightly bent and his arms draped over his knees "she thought some patient was trying to get her to kill her, because she didn't have her medication with her. She completely went off the rails." I lean my head on his shoulder, a comfort that releases a little of my pain. A little. There is a moment silence before Alex adds "I broke up with her you know." I sit back up, looking at him. His gaze is soft "I said it was because I've had enough crazy for one life time but I see the way Mark looks at her. It's the same way I look at you. And knowing tbat he is probably feeling what I'm feeling right now kind of made me feel like a jerk."
I suck in a breath but he continues "I'm going to fight for you Andromeda. I'm going to fight for you because I love you and because we both deserve some damn happiness." I chuckle darkly and a stretch my legs out "honestly, Alex. I don't think I can even fight for myself right now." Our legs are pressing together now, the heat from him seeping into me "you won't have to fight for yourself, you have others to help you. I'll hell you." He clasps our hands together "because we all love you and we won't let you give up."
Tears come back into my eyes but I manage to keep them at bay. "I'll talk to Jackson." I say firmly "I'll do it tonight just promise me you'll give me time. To heal myself first." Alex nods his head, his eyes serious "anything you need." He kisses my knuckles and my heart flutters a little bit.
That night Jackson is cooking us dinner. I have a glass of white wine in my hand, I'm leaning against the counter and I am staring off into my space. "So how was your day?" Jackson asks cutting into my thoughts, I come back to reality and look up at him "oh uh, it was good. Pit trauma mostly." Jackson nods.
He dishes up dinner and we start to eat in silence. I look down at my food, my mind keeps going back to my meltdown. How embarrassed I was going back in the pit. But I also think about what Alex said. I start talking at the same time as Jackson "oh you go." I say gesturing with my hand, he puts down his cutlery and interlaces his fingers "I think we should break up." I try not to sag on relief.
He thinks the look in my eyes is disappointment so he quickly starts explaining "neither of us are ourselves. We were both held at gun point, neither of us are ok right and I don't think we are going to get any better if we carry on like this." I shake my head and lean forward, placing my hand on his arm "I had the same thought, I think it's better if we stay friends, at least until we figure ourselves out." The heavy truth weighing in the middle of us. Once I'm better I'm going to Karev, not Jackson.
He nods, picking up his fork and piercing his piece of chicken "as long as I can stay here until I find my own place." I smile a genuine smile, sitting back in my seat again "of course."
Later that night, I'm lying in bed alone, Jackson has taken the sofa. My phone buzzes and it's my sister, Ronnie. Asking if I'm ok, if work was ok, if I need a break, if she can come and stay. I reply yes to all of those except the last one. As much as I want to see my sister, I don't want her to see how much of a mess my life is at the moment, I don't want her to think she needs to take care of me. I can take care of myself.
I go onto my chat with Derek, typing a reply to his question.
Im not ok, but I'm getting better. One day at a time.
It's Cristina and Owen's wedding. They are having it at Meredith's house and I'm going single. Jackson and I pull up together but once inside leave each other to our own devices. It's not like we own each other. It's ok.
I head over to Mark and Callie who are standing at the bar. Mark is hunched over, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose "I jealous." He says as I reach them "I think I'm jealous of Hunt and Yang. You know Derek's gonna be the best man? We hardly even know the guy." Callie passes me a glass of wine. Her eyes are locked on Arizona across the room "I'm going to do it." She says completely ignoring Sloan, I assess her "you're drunk." I say. She finishes her wine "that's why I'm going to do it." She insists.
Arizona comes over, a bright, bubbly smile on her face "lame surgery ran long. Sorry what did I miss?" She explains cheerily. Callie looks at her with big wide brown eyes "I have something to ask you." She says and Arizona's smile drops "oh, no." She says. I drink half of my glass, "I want you to move in with me." Torres blurts out "I love you. And you have a drawer and a toothbrush and I want you to have a whole dresser and a whole..... blow dryer. Or something more romantic then that."
Mark and I wince, he says words of encouragement "you're doing great. Push through." She nods and then Mark and I dip. As we move through the crowd I muse "why is it, whenever one of us makes progress the others all seem to fall miserably?" Mark shrugs, holding a glass steadily in his hand "they universe doesn't want us all to be happy. We would be too powerful. The worlds best surgeons. The world isn't ready for that." I snort and finish my drink "alright, that works."
The ceremony is beautiful, Cristina and Owen look very happy and I feel a pang of jealousy. When they are saying their vows my eyes move to Alex. Karev is already looking at me and he mouths silently 'one day.' I smile and nod my head. One day.