74 | And I Lost You
The sound of dried leaves crunching indicated someone's presence. I quickly wiped my tears and stared ahead at the horizon.
"Can't stay away from me, Harri boy?" I tried to sound cheerful, not turning back to face him.
He didn't say anything, just circled around the rock and took a seat next to me. That's when I realized he wasn't Harri boy.
Few moments of silence stretched like the ocean before us. I was four days away from officially losing him.
"What are you doing?" He asked in a low voice as if we were strangers meeting for the first time.
Guess we really were that.
"Watching the sun drown."
Like I was, slowly sinking to the bottom, giving up on fighting for my life.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, not taking my eyes off from the horizon.
I received silence as his answer. It wasn't helping. Not one bit.
"I wanted to see your new go to place." He replied after what felt like an eternity.
"Hmm, I love this place."
"Why?"
"It's peaceful, it's calm and it lowkey teaches an amazing life lesson."
"Really?"
"Uh huh."
"What's that?"
My gaze shifted from the ocean to the road lined along it.
"It's about how we look at things. And how the same thing changes over time. You see that, Rafael?" I pointed down at the people who looked like toy figures from this height.
"What about it?" He asked curiously.
"When we're down with them, we all seem equal. And then we slowly move apart. We reach up here at the hilltop and then they seem so small, so insignificant."
"I still don't get your point."
"I don't think I get my point either. Forget it." I waved a hand dismissively.
The deafening quietude followed. Salty air swirled up, carrying the scent of ocean. The leaves rustled and birds chirped, producing a melodic symphony. But it didn't make me feel any better.
I pulled my legs up, resting my chin over my knees. Yet another gust of air howled, highlighting the cool path of tears rolling down my cheeks which I wasn't even aware of until now.
"Uh.. I think me being here is causing you a problem. I shall leave." He got up hesitantly and progressed to leave.
I panicked.
My eyes were still glued to the storming sea but my hand instinctively clutched his wrist in an attempt to stop him from leaving.
"It was all fake." I blurted, playing my last card.
He didn't speak. He didn't move. I finally bundled the courage to look at him and found his face blank and emotionless as he pried my fingers away.
"I'm not following you, Vittoria?" His eyes narrowed as he sat back down next to me.
The gesture ignited a ray of hope within me. I crosses my legs, turning to the side to face him.
"Harri and I..our relationship wasn't real. It was just a stupid game I played to win you back." I whispered, feeling ashamed of myself.
His jaw dropped down but his face was still devoid of any expression.
"Say something, Rafael."
"I'm trying to figure out how to react to that." He shook his head, his eyes trained down at the ground. "What were you thinking, Vittoria?"
"I don't know. Maybe the same thing you were thinking when you kidnapped me to France?" I threw my hands up.
"You wanted to make me feel jealous, make me fear losing you to someone else and use that to convince me to get back with you. Am I right?"
I didn't reply but yes, that's precisely what I must've thought.
"I love you, alright. I was just trying to win you back. And don't try and act all cool now. You were jealous seeing me with him. Admit it."
"Yes I was." He spat, his hands balling into a fist. "But that was just it. Get this thing straight through your head, Vittoria. We're over."
His words felt like a harsh hit right over my face. The pain was so strong that it travelled right through my heart.
"Don't say that, Rafael." I sobbed, my eyes hurting from crying so much. That's all of had been doing for days now— cry to sleep, wake up and cry again. Pathetic.
"Then what do you expect me to say. What do you expect me to do? Leave Camila again? Like I did last time? For you."
"She doesn't love you, Rafael." I pulled my hair, starting to get frustrated. "She's not who she appears to be. Don't you see she's lying about anything and everything."
"I'm not going to hear you bitch about her, Vittoria." He warned, his tone sharp and stern.
What kind of a black magic had she done on him!
"Fine! Ask Mason if you don't-"
"Are you really going to stoop so low, Vittoria?"
My mind went blank for a second. The trees around me disappeared and what replaced them were the white walls and working isles. It reminded me of the day I slapped Camila in the office. Nothing had changed really.
He still believed her over me.
How was that possible? Why can't he even try considering my point? When it comes to me over her, it's always her. Always.
"You, Vittoria have the audacity to say that she doesn't love me. First, I don't care even if she really doesn't. And second, as far as I remember, you yourself confessed about this thing between us not being love."
"And I've fucking apologized for it." I jumped up to my feet, pacing along the area. "We say things we don't really mean at times. You of all people should know it. Tell me Rafael, did you mean it when you called me a whore? Did you? Answer me."
His winning stance crumbled. His head hung low and he averted his eyes from me. He chose not to speak. I waited patiently. I couldn't see the struggle over his face as he desperately tried getting words out.
"I.. That night.. I came up to you to apologize." His voice was barely above a whisper. "I heard you talk to someone over the phone. It was Harrison." Saying his name hurt him almost physically. His face twisted like there was some tangible pain coursing through his body.
His eyes flew to my necklace. The one which I wore everyday now but not just because it was Harri's gift.
"It's funny that I came to apologize and committed yet another mistake instead."
"What?"
"I sat down near your door, eavesdropping on your conversation. I knew it was wrong. I wanted to go away. But I couldn't."
He did what!
"You threw up looking at your own body." He quivered, close to breaking into a sob. "I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't face you. So I decided to run away to Paris the very next morning. You were right. I was running away from you."
Now it was me who didn't know how to react to his confession.
"That's where I knew I lost you. You could say that to him but not to me."
"Because we had a pathetic fight, Rafael!"
"That's not the point." He looked away.
"Then what is it?" I yelled. "Just tell me Rafael. Why exactly are you marrying Camila. Do you really not love me anymore?"
I dreaded the answer. Because at this point, I wasn't very sure he did.
"I don't want to love you, Vittoria." He stated. "As harsh as it sounds, the only thing I got out of loving you was pain. And I'm not capable of bearing any more pain."
Harsh, he said? His words were downright torturous.
After all that we've been through, this was how he saw our love? As a mere weapon I used to hurt him.
"No, Vittoria. You don't get to cry and be the victim here." His eyes followed me as I flumped down the rock, not strong enough to stand. "It was all about you. How I hurt you, how you forgave me, just you. But what about me?"
"What are you saying, Rafael?" I whispered, disbelieved.
"You always had people supporting you when I caused you pain but what about me, Vittoria? I kept loving you. You kept pushing me away. I still kept loving you. You think it didn't hurt me when you always chose others over me?" Sometimes it was the whole world, while sometimes it was Oliver, Camila, Mason and what not. But it was never me."
"It wasn't like that Rafael, please-"
"It fucking was. I chose to hurt Camila and fall in Oliver's eyes just for you and you chose to hurt me just to get rid of your guilty conscience. You, for some reason felt it was wrong to love your sister's fiance and then something happened, she suddenly became the evil one and then you wanted me back like I'm someone you can toy around. Like I don't have feelings."
"No no no, listen to me Rafael please." I cried bitterly, gripping his hands tight. "I know I've made mistakes. I own up to them. All of them. I need just one last chance, Rafael. Please."
"Haven't I given you enough?" He pulled his hands away.
I flinched at the harshness of his action.
"I'll be honest with you, Vittoria. I gave up on us the very day you said you liked some other guy. Here I was trying to figure how to deal with our situation and you were busy going out on a date with Harrison."
"Seriously?" My body shook with rage. I was wrong. Admitted. But he hasn't been entirely right either. "At least I didn't fuck some other person."
"You kissed Harrison, forgot that part?"
"So that's how you're going to justify having sex with Camila in Paris?"
"This isn't getting anywhere, Vittoria." He stood up.
"No wait." I blocked his path. "You're running away again."
"Fine! You want to hear it?" He shoved me back, making me stagger behind. "I've lost faith in our love. I don't trust you when you say you won't leave me. When I think of us, all I can feel is the fear of you leaving me again because of some reason or the other like you do everytime and no, I can't bring myself to believe you when you say you won't."
"You can't be serious right now." The anger turned to a petrifying dread.
"I am." He replied bluntly. "It still hurts, alright. I admit it hurts to tear myself away from you forever but I choose to feel this immense pain one time rather than feeling it over and over again."
"No! Please believe me Rafael. I love you." I cupped his cheeks, refusing to let go even after his protests.
If I let him go now, I knew I'd lose him forever. The fear bestowed me with a supernatural strength. He tried pushing me apart but I held on to him like he was necessary for me to breathe.
"Don't make this more difficult, Vittoria." He almost pleaded, his breath fanning my face as he spoke.
"Please forgive me Rafael. I'm ready to face any punishment but not this. Don't kill us both like this. We'll never recover from this pain."
"I thought that too." He placed his hands over mine which had held him tight. "But then I thought about how you got over me and hell, even over Mason's death at some point of time."
All the remaining strength drained from my body. My heart stopped. My hands dropped. My will to fight vanished.
He cast me one final look and walked away wordlessly, not bothering to spare me a single glance.
I kept staring in his direction until what felt like ages. He was gone, leaving a trail of sheer nothingness. My tears dried up and the darkness of the night replaced the shimmering golden light dispelled by the setting sun.
Mustering all my courage, I turned back and stumbled to the cliff. It was a dead end. One more step and there would be nothing left.
There was nothing left already. I was empty and hollow, the space begging to be filled with the will to take that one step forward.
But I knew I wouldn't do that. I had a grand wedding to attend. The thought made me chuckle darkly and before I knew it, I was consumed by my own hysterical laughter.
I laughed until I cried.
Then I looked up at the starless night sky. And then I screamed.
Vittoria: Vote and comment if you want Rafael to come back to me.