Bennett's POV
"Are you ok?" I look at the concerned girl, who is looking back at me with her bright blue eyes. "You seem distracted."
"I'm fine." I say with a smile, not sure what to tell her. I can't exactly say that I'm thinking about Alex.
I could say that, because Kate is cool enough and knows I have feelings for my childhood friend, but it's not something nice to tell the person we're going out with... sort of going out with.
Although Kate knows about Alex, I never told her I'm actually in love with her. I think she knows, but she never heard the words coming out of my mouth.
There are only three people who know about it and it's already a lot from where I stand.
Lilly, obviously, because she's nosy. Don, who I became really good friends with at camp, like best friend category and Martin, my friend from school. They don't know each other, but they remind me of one another so much. Both of them managed to get it out from me, it's not like I would proactively tell them how I feel about Alex.
Apart from them, no one else knows. Oh, I mean, there's also Anna, Martin's girlfriend, who I consider my friend as well. Not to the extent of telling about my feelings for Alex, but Martin couldn't keep his mouth shut, so that makes four people who know.
Shit, it really is a lot of people. I will not talk about this with anyone else, even if my life depends on it, my mouth will be shut from now on.
I realize she's still looking at me, so I have to say something.
"I'm thinking about that lecture at NYU, that's it." She gives me her sweet smile and I feel bad for lying.
I smile back, decided to fully focus my attention on her. Kate's smile is definitely one of the things I like the most about her. It's very attractive.
Not as attractive as Alex's though.
Stop, Bennett. Just fucking stop thinking about her.
"I wish I was there with you." She takes my hand in hers and I squeeze it.
"Me too."
I mean it. It would have been nice having someone who enjoys astronomy as much as I do there with me and I know Kate is that person. We would have had such a good time, like we always do when we are together.
"It reminds me of the stargazing nights at camp, remember? It was so cool. We even had a midnight pic-nic once." I laugh at he comment, with a bittersweet feeling.
"I had to sneak out the food from the central kitchen without anyone knowing. It was fun."
She giggles and I know this is what I need. Someone who cares about me and wants me for who I am. Not someone who barely knows what I even like and obsesses over my brother.
I need Kate.
I lean forward to give her a soft kiss. I can feel her smile under my mouth and it almost makes me smile too.
If it weren't for the fact that stargazing only makes me think of that night Alex showed up at my house and we watched the stars together, I would smile too.
That night was.... fuck, it was amazing. It felt like a date, even if I know it wasn't. Not to mention the talk, deep, important stuff, like college and life. Not just the ridiculous topics I'm sure she talks about with Dylan.
Alex was interested in what I had to say and being so close to her was intoxicating. When she asked me to explain the stars to her and I stood behind her, with her hands in mine, was one of the best feelings. I had to control myself not to hug her from behind and bury my head on her neck as I showed her the constellations.
What was I thinking? I should have told her a lie, like I was waiting for a date or something so she would leave, but no, I decided to invite her to my own space, have snacks and even I will admit that it was romantic as fuck.
We had a moment, I'm sure of it. I could feel it and even in the dark, I could see her blush. And she never looked prettier than that day.
Then again, she was back to Dylan and I was left confused as fuck.
After that, I started to think about it from a logical perspective and it doesn't make sense, so if you ask me now if I think she was interested in me that day, I'll say no.
It's the opposite to spending time with Kate. Stargazing with Kate was romantic, I'll give us that, but it still didn't feel the same. I like Kate, I really do and we have so much in common that not dating her is insane. However, I can't completely give myself to her.
Not yet.
When Kate is back on my mind, and feeling conscious that I'm thinking about another girl, I take a step back to put some distance between us.
She's still smiling at me and the look on her face is pure adoration. I want to be looked at like this and I want to fall in love with Kate. I really do.
"Oh, am I interrupting something?" Don enters the kitchen the moment she's about to kiss me again and I see the smirk on his face. "I just came to get another pizza.''
I nod and Kate giggles. We're having a board game's night at Don's house. I'm grateful that the person I bonded the most at camp lives in the region. It would suck to have a best friend and a potential girlfriend living far away, so yeah, I'm glad they live in NY state.
"I'll take it." Kate takes the pizza box from the counter and makes her way to the living room, while Don looks at me intently. She gives me a soft kiss on the cheek before she's out of sight and he raises an eyebrow, amused with our exchange.
"Are you ok?" He asks the moment she's out the door.
I wonder if I look this bad. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok. Don't I look ok? I mean, I'm fine. I guess...
"Yep." I say and turn around to get some cutlery. He knows me too well by now, so if he sees my face, he might realize I'm lying. But again, I'm not sure I am. I do feel fine...
"So, I see you and Kate are doing well. How are things with... you know?"
"You can say her name, Don." I smirk. "It's not like she's Voldemort."
"Shh, don't say his name." He whispers as if something bad is bound to happen. Don is a huge Harry Potter fan, so we never lose a chance to mock him, even if I find it pretty cool. "I'm just worried about you."
"Alex is still the same. She's dating Dylan." I say getting a couple of popcorns and throwing them inside my mouth.
"She's what? I thought he wasn't into her." He puts his hand to his chin. Don knows more than he should, but I'll admit it's good having someone to talk to.
"I guess he is now." He eyes me with curiosity, as if wondering if I might have a breakdown or something. "It's ok. It's not like I was expecting her to change her mind about him. I just didn't expect them to date.''
''So are you and Kate like, dating?" He asks, clearly unsure.
"No. I'm not ready for it. I like her, you know that, but I don't think I can date her just yet. It wouldn't be fair to her. Also, I already feel like I'm not being fair to her now, imagine if we actually date.''
"She knows you like Alex, so I don't think you're leading her on. It's her choice. She's being patient and wanting to win your heart."
"Win my heart?" I smirk and he rolls his eyes.
"You know what I mean." He hits my arm and I laugh. Don is the hopelessly romantic one.
He never dated because he's waiting for the one. Again, love is purely hormones, so there's bo such thing as the right one, soulmates and shit.
"So, are we going skating?" I change the subject to something lighter. I'm done talking about Alex, so asking about our plans for the weekend feels about right.
"Yeah, tomorrow. It will be fun."
"Good." I need to have some fun. I need to get Alex out of my mind.
The main reason I need this is because I'm confused as hell. As much as I can't forget about stargazing with Alex, I also can't forget that we had a fight on Thanksgiving dinner. She was pissed at me when she saw Kate's name on my phone and kind of freaked out.
I mean, she seemed pissed way before we bumped into each other, just because I kept typing on my phone. She was curious to say the least. I found it funny how she paid attention every time my phone buzzed. Alex is terrible at pretending it wasn't bothering her, but I read her every move.
Kate was sweet and sent me a bunch of fun stickers, making me laugh, even blush and I know Alex noticed. She seemed to be jealous of me and for a moment I felt almost happy about it.
It knew it wasn't true though. It was probably my mind tricking me into thinking she was jealous. Maybe she was just curious about who I was talking so much to as it's not something I usually do.
And that shit about Lilly? Why on earth would she think that Lilly and are are more than friends? It was my time to be curious, so I had to ask Lilly. I called her the next day because it couldn't wait until break was over.
"Well, if it isn't a surprise that you're calling me on school break." She joked and I rolled my eyes.
"It's an emergency." I said, almost regretting it. She mumbled for me to carry on. "What's up with Alex saying you and I have something going on between us?"
She laughed and then sighed. "She's been bugging me about it too. The thing is, she saw us talking that day at school, you know, when I was trying to convince you to man up and tell her how you feel.''
''When you were being a pain in my ass, yeah, I remember.'' I joked, knowing she was smirking on the other side of the line. Lilly and I have an interesting friendship. We keep picking on each other and this is what I like about her.
''Anyway, you know Alex. She overthinks everything. She probably has an entire story about us hooking up behind her back, which ew, would never happen." She said, reinforcing the last part.
"Obviously." I frowned. Hooking up with Lilly is something that would absolutely never happen.
"I might not have been very helpful because I'm dodging her questions, so she's more suspicious.'' She adds.
''Why? Just tell her something. You're an actress, tell her some lie and that's it.''
''Or I could tell her the truth." She said and I knew she's referring to telling Alex how I feel.
"No. She confessed to me that she's dating Dylan." Not sure why I said it, it makes no difference. Dating Dylan is just a plus in this fucked up situation.
"She did?" Why did she sound so surprised? I didn't have to ask, because she continued. "She wanted to hide it from you. She said it would be weird for you to know and ruin your friendship, which makes no sense." I nodded in agreement, even if she couldn't see me.
"I don't know what to do." I honestly said. It's not usual for me not knowing how to deal with things and Alex... damn, Alex is my achilles tendon.
"It sucks, I know. If it's worth anything, I don't think she's happy with him. She says she is, but I can tell she's not. She just needs to figure that out." It's the most open conversation I had with Lilly in a long time and it actually feels nice.
"I don't think that's happening anytime soon. She's in a lovey dovey bubble." I rolled my eyes again, suddenly remembering how she was acting on Thanksgiving.
She for sure wasn't jealous of me. It's clear now. She was more obsessed with Dylan than usual. If our families knew they were dating, she would be hanging on his neck all night.
"Well, I saw you two at the rehearsal. I mean, if that wasn't you two having a moment, I don't know what is. It's totally possible that she figures out Dylan sucks. No offense, I know he's your brother."
"None taken." I would have said worse about him anyway.
My mind immediately went to the rehearsal. Alex will never know, I'm good at masking my feelings to her, but my heart was beating so damn fast with that stupid exercise and that's when I slipped.
I told her I love her eyes. What is wrong with me? I barely ever said I love anything out-loud, including science and there I was, saying that I love her brown eyes.
At least I wasn't stupid enough to tell her that I love everything about her.
Stupid to say that I love her, period.
I shouldn't even be part of the play anyway. It's cool and all, but the only reason I joined the crew was because of Alex. I usually help Mrs. Bergman whenever the plot involves anything science related, but this year I just wanted an excuse to spend time with Alex.
Now I regret it.
I don't know how to read the situation. One moment we're saying those things about each other, our eyes boring so deep on each other that I felt my knees weak and I lost track of what was going on around me.
The next moment, she's hiding in my room while Dylan is throwing a party. She can't deny we have fun together. I could see in her face she would rather stay there with me than go back downstairs to my ridiculous brother.
Yet, she went after him.
She always goes after him.
This is all a mess. A huge mess that I'm done dealing with. Lilly wants to help me and I appreciate it, but this is all helpless.
Forgetting about the conversation I had with Lilly a few days ago, I go back to the living room to find my friends, who are ready to play monopoly.
I take a moment to watch them from afar. I don't know why I keep moping around for a girl that doesn't give a shit about me when I have so many great people who actually care about me.
My eyes land on Kate and I smile at the way she's excited talking to Jess, another friend of ours. Her smile really is something else and I find myself going in her direction to join them.
I truly can't wait to spend some time skating with her tomorrow.
.........................
''I bet ten bucks that Bennett is going to fall.'' Don says and I narrow my eyes at him. Our friends look at me, waiting to see what I have to say.
''You know I used to skate with my dad all the time when I was a kid and I'm actually pretty good at it, right?'' Don shrugs and adjusts his hat.
''Right, you used to skate when you were what? Five? I want to see if you can skate now, bro.'' We make our way to the entrance of the Rockefeller Center, where we get our tickets and our skates.
This is nice. We've been talking about coming here on Christmas for what feels like forever now and I'm ready to have a good time with them. With Kate.
Last night was amazing. Kate and I were implacable in every game. We won all of it and it felt great to be with her. We acted like a real couple and for the first time, I could see myself dating her for real. I had fun, so much I didn't even think about Alex the rest of the night.
I call it progress.
''Are you ready?'' Kate asks me as she's about to enter the rink. She's wearing a heavy baby blue puffer coat with black thick tights, a matching hat and white scarf that highlights her dark blonde hair.
Kate is pretty. She is too short compared to me with her 5'4'' height but the difference doesn't bother me.
''As ready as I'll ever be.'' I smile, taking her hand in mine.
Once we're all in the rink, we go find a less crowded place, where we can skate without a bunch of kids making us lose our balance and where I can show Don how to properly skate.
''All right West, show us what you got.'' Don and everyone else make themselves comfortable at the rink edge, while I go stand in front of them.
''This is to teach you a lesson, Don.'' With a fast move, I turn and twirl like a pro. I'm not into sports, but skating was one of my favorite things growing up and I still like it.
I remember when Dylan, myself and Alex used to skate together and it was hella fun. Dylan was the show-off he usually is and Alex was so bad at it. Dylan never noticed she struggled with it and I was the one helping her skate.
Things are much different now. Shaking my head to put these memories away, I make my way to the edge and reach for Kate's hand. She giggles and follows me, as we skate together.
After a while, I make my way to the rink wall as I watch my friends skate. I need some rest, so I just support my body with my elbow and take a few deep breaths.
''Ok, ok, you won. You are good at skating. Damn.'' Don says.
''You shouldn't get in a bet you know you'll lose.''
''Right, mister I'm good at everything. Milkshake is on me.'' I smile as he says it with a mocking tone.
We stay there a few more moments before Kate comes in my direction, clearly not knowing how to stop. I don't have time to react before she crashes on me and we both almost fall on the floor.
''I'm so sorry. I don't know how to stop this thing.'' Her cheeks and nose are red and she looks cute. I hold her elbow and snort a laugh.
''It's fine. Are you ok?'' She nods and smiles at me, getting back at her feet. Without letting her elbow go, I inspect her to see if she'll fall if I let her go. Once she's stable, I bend down to get her hat that went flying. ''Here. Let me do it.''
I put the hat on her head and adjust it for her. Her eyes are on me all the time and her smile is still there.
''Thanks.'' I nod, with a smile of my own.
She moves to stand next to me, holding the wall of the rink and the moment she's not in front of me anymore, I see them.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I'm having a good night, a great night actually, so why the hell do they have to ruin it for me?
I haven't thought about Alex for what feels like forever - half an hour is forever for me - and there she is.
Fucking skating with my brother.
Lilly is wrong. Alex seems perfectly happy with him and as for me, this is the end of the line. Knowing they are dating is one thing, but seeing them kissing, that's another story.
Great, I guess I can say goodbye to having fun tonight.
.........................
Hello Lovely Readers,
Well, well, here we are having a glimpse of Bennett with his friends.
I don't like seeing him with Kate, but it is what it is! In his defense, he's just trying to move on and Kate seems a nice girl.
I'd rather both him and Alex just say how they feel and sort all of this. They could be losing the chance of true love, but well, Alex needs to figure out HOW she feels first.
Remember I said there are bad decisions coming? That applies to Bennett as well.
Are you ready for the next chapter? It's one I enjoyed the most writing, not sure why.
Any thoughts?
Love,
Me