Jungkook's diary
[02/13]
The old memory flashes in my mind, as soon as I see her.
The day she bumped into me, I knew she wasn't just anybody. Her voice left me shaking. How is this possible? How can she be standing here in front of me?
But,
She doesn't recognize me.
Not how people knew me today, but years before, when there was no existence of Jungkook. I won't lie, I was disappointed. But, I ran, before she could know. The gap between us has increased to uncertain heights.
[03/06]
The other time I saw her, I was trembling, though I masked it well. She was anxious and shivering. I stared at her to make her know what I wanted her to remember, but she never looked at me. I wish I was that model on the chair that she was working on; at least she would look at me. It ended up with me messing things, and getting out my anger on her that was buried inside me for years. I wish it ends here and we never meet again, but I don't want to stop looking at her. It's better not to reveal myself and not open new doors for her. I may be guilty of my anger at her, but I hope this is the end, and we never meet again.
[03/07]
She comes to my house, dressed up cutely. But again, she was even more attracted to Namjoon hyung than me. She isn't looking at me again. How can I make her comfortable and tell her I am not who she thinks. She read the contract and I just wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked while doing that. But, she doesn't sign it. So, I stood up and signed it before her eyes, and offered her to sign it, but she didn't do that. So, I made sure she brings it with her tomorrow- signed.
[03/08]
She is working on me. The way she swung down the hair strings, that I purposely kept there, from her light fingers made my heart flutter. She is just not beautiful, but she has polished her skills to the best. I always knew this, whenever I used to think about her. But the point that she still doesn't recognize me wants me to wretch my heart out. I won't tell her, she has to remember. How can she forget?
When she slides into the car, sitting in front of me, I blindly scroll on my phone to avoid looking at her. She is uncomfortable. I wish I could arrange a whole car for her, so she is at peace. And then, the first contact she made, clutching my thighs. I expected it to be something better than this, but I can go with it. I just wanted to kick everyone out and make her choose her favorite seat, but I couldn't. She wants to go by bus. I want her to be comfortable any way she wants to be. So, she gets out of the car, leaving me concerned. I stopped Yoongi from driving. How can she stand there all alone? I never left her alone; never will I leave her alone. We just wait. I can wait a million years, but this world-
[03/10]
Namjoon is calling her again and again. I want to destroy that little device from his hand. What if she is sleeping? I know she hates being called up when she is taking a nap. I just want her to sleep calmly.
She comes, suddenly. I wish Mom didn't call me to meet so that I could spend the night looking at her. I refuse her, as quickly as I could, so she doesn't question me. But woah woah woah, she is angry. I missed her anger. More than her affection, I loved when she used to get angry. But her next words make me want to kill myself. Am I making her uncomfortable? How can i-? At that brink, I wanted to tell her who I was. I was so close to her, I wanted to kiss her, out of my anger. The point of her leaving her job makes me terrified. I cannot part again from her.
[03/11]
She is sleeping, looking like a princess. The boys are planning something weird, to frighten her perhaps. I want to stop each one of them and give them a blow. How could they even think to disturb her? But, whatever happens, she won't complain to me like she always did.
She wants to do everything. She wants to put makeup on me and dress me up as well. Why is she acting like my wife? She loves to do things for me. So, I let it be like that. Come, make me wear my jacket. And then, Hobi's sudden picture. Though she never wanted to do it, if she knew who I was, she would never go away.
[03/15]
I am driving her home. My heart is jumping. She is sitting so calmly, while I steal glances to look at her. And then she tells me about her mother, that I already know. But, I act shocked to make sure this was news for me. She is okay- very odd of her. I know she is a cry baby, but she has grown to be so strong. She gets out of the car. I wish I could travel back and never bring up her parents, mistakenly. I know she is crying, and I want to die. I'll soothe her, as I always did. I get out and embrace her in my arms. She is strong, but fragile from the inside... I dropped her home, where Mom showed me earlier where she lived.
[03/23]
I traveled with her alone. She was protecting me, but I was too. When we heard the crowd approaching, we could have run. We could have hidden somewhere, but I did what I longed for. I pretended it to be like a tactic, but I genuinely wanted to feel her. Kissing her on lips would have been too much without her consent, so I went with her neck. It's soft and I could feel her breathing. I wanted to hold her like that forever. I wanted to keep touching her skin with my lips, tracing and pecking each patch of hers, marking it mine forever.
We end up sleeping on the same bed. She is sleeping so peacefully, while the little morning light brightens the room. I comb her hair lightly, lying around her. I never slept. I had plenty of time to see her. To see how her features changed as she grew up, how her chubby cheeks melted and how her small lips transformed into bigger ones. I wish I could kiss her. I wish I could feel her again against my lips. I just keep on wishing, when she grabs me and I am wrapped around her whole body. The warmth, I love it. Only if I could stop the time right there. Only if. I leave my wallet behind. I want her to open it and see what I left for her inside. The picture of my mother, she needs to remember it. I wait for her in the car, imagining her freaking out at my identity, but she is acting normal. She doesn't ask, or even show a little bit of concern. Does she still not remember?
[03/24]
She was worried for me. She is fighting for me against Namjoon. My eyes are closed, but I am hearing everything, even seeing through the partially closed eyes. She doesn't want me to go up on the stage. I missed her being cautious towards me. If she knew about me, she would take me home and treat me like a child as she once did. But, I assure her I am okay, as I always did too.
[03/27]
Is she calling me hyung? Fuck, that is the last thing I expected from her. So, I made sure to teach her that I am not her hyung. I can never be. I thundered on Namjoon. Though I had no energy at that time to fight against Namjoon, it was killing me from inside. So, I told him to apologize. And then he asked. He asked if I loved her. I didn't want to think and just tell him abruptly that I do, but his sudden question made me baffled. At that moment, I felt more sympathetic for her rather than anything else. I just wanted to give her everything she deserves. Since day one, I have told Namjoon about everything, but this time, I resist. It would be too soon. The first person who deserves to know and remember everything is Hana, and I won't take that away. So, I end the conversation by finally saying that I pity her. It was the worst thing to say. I love her more than any other feeling in my heart.
[04/01]
She sits in the car and doesn't look at me. She is coughing and breathing heavily, she is not alright. I ask her, she replies hastily. She doesn't want to talk. And then, it happened what I feared. I don't see Hana around. My eyes look for her everywhere, finally finding her standing against the car, and then she disappears. She fell. My legs trembled and I wanted to cry out loud. She lies on the ground, her face blue. I pick her up in my arms, carrying her around the corner. She isn't breathing openly; I just don't want her to die. Right, that moment was when I realized, I am madly in love with her. I want to own her; I want to care for her without fearing anyone. I will wait for that moment.
[04/03]
Doctors are injecting her. I remember how she used to scream when she saw an injection in the distance. She used to hug me hard. She told me that I comforted her; that I was her hope. I am crying seeing her suffering like this.
[04/05]
I confessed to her today. I told her I loved her and most importantly, I kissed her today. The moment my lips met hers, every pain went away. I wanted to explore every part of hers; I wanted to trace every part of her with my name. She is mine. I cannot give her up now. But, she doesn't kiss me back. I wait, but she doesn't. She needs time. She needs to see through my eyes what I feel for her. I won't say more than this. This is all.
I end writing about her today. I will write again when she embraces me. When she remembers me and runs to me. I will wait. I will wait for a million years. If not this life, I will wait for another life. She will love me, someday.
[....]