Thanksgiving, Christmas and New years were spent alone with Lizzie as she grieved this terrible loss. She didn't want to be around people, she didn't want to see anyone, she didn't want to talk. She stayed home and hid from the world. She spent most of her time in the garden just sitting there not doing much of anything other than thinking I assume. Her eyes were always sad and she didn't smile, not even to try and fake it. I was around when she needed me but I tried to give her some space too, though I was worried about what that space would do because she spiralled so quickly sometimes and right now she was incredibly fragile. The other week she dropped a glass in the kitchen and it smashed and she burst into tears and was inconsolable for around an hour.
I've been going to work both modelling and photography, I've been attending Lizzie's meetings for her taking notes and briefing her when I got home. I visit with her family and take any phone calls she didn't feel up for. I've been going out with Scarlett and Rose just trying to keep up appearances as Lizzie's team put it so no one thinks anything is wrong. But I didn't understand why the world needed to have an opinion on this. Me going out without Lizzie every single day is surely worse than neither of us being seen? I'd only leave her for a few hours at a time scared if I left her any longer she'd completely disappear from the pain that was eating her alive.
Today after work I went into our bedroom and scooped her up out of bed. She couldn't keep this up, she had to try and look after herself. And if she wasn't willing to do it, it was my duty to help her do it. "What are you doing?" "We're going to get you showered," I say. "I don't want to." "You need to it's been four days, Liz." I say not listening to her protests "Nell please." She begged pushing her face into the crook of my neck. "You need to shower," I tell her kicking our bathroom door open so I could take her in. I sit her on the counter and turn the water on. She looked less than impressed. I unbuttoned her PJ shirt and slid it off. "Nell please." She continued to protest, this was for her own good. "I'm doing this because I love you," I tell her pecking her pout. "Shorts off," I tell her moving away to go test the water with my hand. I took my hoodie off so I was standing in my jeans and bra and nudged my head for her to come over. She sighed but come over to me slowly dragging her feet across the tile, I helped her in.
She steps under the water and her eyes close as her body relaxes. I pulled my socks off and step into the space avoiding the water the best I could. I brush through her dirty hair making sure the water gets onto every part. I wash her hair and body without her protest. I step out and dry off my upper body, my jeans a tiny bit wet but nothing too major. "Do you want to get out?" "No." She says looking at me. "Okay." I lent back in, to peck her cheek before leaving her to enjoy the relaxing shower.
I then go into our room and strip our sheets taking them down to the utility room and putting them to wash. I empty the dishwasher and throw away any food that was out of date in the fridge. I go back upstairs and finish making the bed and freshen up the room, opening the curtains to let some daylight in it was only 3 o'clock at this point so there is more than enough time to let the daylight flood the room. I light a scented candle to make the place smell a little nicer, she had been held up in here for almost a week without leaving at all. I brought her food up so she'd at least eat something. But she never came down, not even to visit her garden this week.
She came back into the room and squinted at the lighting change. "Thanks for making me shower." "You were stinky." I teased. "Do you want to do something tonight?" I asked "No." "You can't stay locked up in here forever," I say as we both leave the room for the walk-in so she can change. "I'm not ready yet." "I'm going to overstep," I warned her. "No, don't make me go out." She grabbed my wrist stopping my movements. "I'm going to because you've been in here for months now. It's not healthy. You don't have to go to work, you don't have to talk to anyone, just go outside with me, a short work to the park, we can get a tea from the stand by our bridge." "No, I don't want to." Her eyes were glazing over as she looked at me desperately begging me to stop without words. "I know but we're going to," I say handing her some clothes. "No." She sits on the vanity chair I dress her as she started shutting down at the thought of leaving the house. "Princess." "I don't want to." She whispered her bottom lip quivering. "Just a short walk." She shakes her head.
"Talk to me." "It's real." "What is?" "It's real if I leave the house, the baby is really gone. And it really happened." "It's time, you can't block it out forever." "But it hurts so bad." "It's going to keep hurting, you need to let yourself feel it so you can process it if you keep it all inside like you have been." "You never did." "I did, baby." "But you were strong." "I was not strong. Don't you remember? I was a mess. You looked after me. Let me look after you." I stroke her hair behind her ears and cup her face in my hands. "A short walk that's all, around the block." Her eyes were locked with mine and I was taken back to the first time I sat down with her at table 7 in the coffee shop, her eyes filled with woe and she looked so empty and broken. I wanted to wrap her in a blanket and shield her from everything she was feeling but it wasn't the right thing to do. She needed to be pushed right now, I had let her hide from the world for months but she needed to get back into the real world as harsh as it seems. I let my hands fall from her face before standing up.
I got her trainers and slipped them on over her socks, tying the laces for her. "Just around the block." She nodded and took my hand both of us stood up and we go downstairs. I put my trainers on and help Lizzie into her coat. I opened the door and stood on the steps looking at her. She shakes her head at me. I held my hand out and she looked at it. I thought for a moment she was going to walk away from me and run back to our bedroom. "It's okay, I'm right here." She closed her eyes and reached for my hand she came down to me and I locked the door. "It's okay," I tell her pecking the side of her head. We walked around our block, "We can go again." She said so we ended up doing five or six laps of our block. MK came out to us on the last time. I guess she had seen us walk past her house a few times. "Want to come in for a tea?" She asked with a hopeful glint in her eyes and a bright warm smile arms ready to embrace her baby sister. "No thank you," Lizzie said, holding my hand tighter. "I have lavender tea from Hastings." She tried, the twins really missed their sister. "Nell." She tugged my arm. "We have dinner waiting." I lied. "Oh, okay. Well, I hoped you enjoyed your walk." "Thanks." I waved to her offering her a small apologetic smile before we kept walking.
We go back inside after the interaction, Lizzie really wasn't up for speaking to anyone. I take her through to the kitchen and she sits on the island in criss-cross. "Mac and cheese?" She nodded, I started to cook the simple meal. "We should have been married right now." "Let's not think about it." "But it's true." I hold my sigh in and continue cooking our simple dinner.
--------
"Lizzie Olsen where have you been?" "Is it true you've had your nose done whilst being away?" "Have you and Eleanor split up?" "Are you quitting acting?" So many questions got thrown at her as she walked the red carpet at some award show. I stood with her assistant out of the frame of the flashes. She got a break as she waited her turn for the next set of cameras. "Can you stand with me?" "Yeah, baby." This was her first event since everything happened. She was here to support Scarlett for the new film she had been nominated for. She hooked our arms together and we did the pictures together, her grip on my hand was tight, I kept pecking her head to reassure her it was all okay, whispering sweet nothings or silly jokes to make her giggle and relax a little.
When that was all over we took our seats with the rest of her friends. No one knew what was going on with Lizzie. Only Scarlett and our family. She didn't want anyone to know. People brought up the wedding asking when it was and what we had planned so far and I'd dismiss the conversation quickly giving a vague answer. Lizzie sat quietly next to me zoning in and out. "How are you feeling, bug?" I asked her as the lights dimmed the show was about to start. "I want to go home." She says turning to look at me. I looked down the line and Scarlett sat nervously looking back at me I offered her a small smile and she returned it. "We can go home," I tell her softly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I can take you home," I say quietly. She chewed her lip. "What will everyone say?" "Lizzie you came, Scarlett will understand, if you need to go home, we can go home." "No after-party." "Okay, we can go home after this then." I smiled softly at her. Proud that she made the choice to stay all on her own. "Don't leave me." "I'm here." I pecked the crown of her head as she leaned her head on my shoulder, I moved my arm to wrap it around her, she held my hand that was hanging from her shoulder and she spun my dad's ring around my finger as we watched.
We congratulated Scarlett on her win before leaving quickly in a car. I was stood in the bathroom taking the layers of make-up off whilst Lizzie was sitting on our bed still in her dress completely exhausted. I had the door open keeping an eye on her. "Princess?" I say after observing her for a few minutes. She just sat quietly looking ahead. "Kisses for your thoughts" "Payment first." She smirked, using the same line I did on her a while back. I put my things down and go into the bedroom and peck her lips a few times before locking them, they moulded together in a short sweet kiss. We pulled apart and rested our foreheads against each other. I give her a minute to talk. "I'm really tired." I nodded understanding she meant mentally not physically. These past few months have been hell for her. Therapy can only do so much, she had been through something I couldn't imagine going through myself. "My doctor called today." I moved to sit beside her my arm loosely around her waist, she twisted her engagement ring around her finger not looking at me. "I went to visit them last week. For a follow up from the um... From." She put her hand on her tummy instead of actually saying the words she looked up at me and I nodded telling her I understood. "They ran a few tests." "You could have told me, I would have come with you." "It's not your baby. It's mine, it's my problem." She said bluntly. "It's our situation. I would have been there for you through everything. I would support you and loved you both." I tell her honestly. Her face softens. "You would have?" She asked almost shocked at my words. "I'm going to marry you, I wouldn't have turned my back on you."
"They called when you were getting your hair done this morning." She held my hand looking away from me she didn't say anything, she began to spin my ring around my finger, switching between my dad's ring and my engagement ring. I gave her time to talk she would do this in her own time. The fact she was even talking to me at all about all this was a big step, she doesn't talk about it at all, she just cries and I hold her until she's ready for space again. She looked up at me I was already looking at her, her eyes were glazed over. "I can't have kids." She whispered her voice cracking as the emotions took over, a few tears slid down her cheeks, my breath hiccuped and got all tied up in my throat. "What do you mean?" I asked blinking so my tears didn't fall, I couldn't get upset whilst she was upset it would make her feel worse. "Something to do with my eggs...He used a lot of technical terms and I didn't understand it but I never had much of a chance of carrying the baby to term anyway." "Is there anything we can do? Treatment or medication or." "No." She cut me off. "There's nothing we can do or they can do." "There are other ways, we can still have our family, you can still carry our baby." She squeezed my hand. "We can look into options. We can talk to doctors."
"I'm really tired." "I know." I cupped her face rubbing my thumb across her cheek. "It's one thing after another, it's so exhausting." She admitted. "I just want things to be easy for once. Just once I want us to wake up in our home and be happy and smile and have you hold me. I want to go to work and there be no drama I want to be able to go to work without having a breakdown. I want to love you with no bounds. I want to not feel this emptiness and ache in my chest. I want to not fight. I want to not get jealous. I want my attacks and episodes to not ruin things. I want our good days every day. I just want things to be easy." "Life isn't exactly easy." "But for others it is. Ashley and Louis are perfect they never have blips or bumps in the road or anything like what we've had to go through. It makes me think that we shouldn't even be together." "You're my soulmate, I'm sure of it and there's not a chance that we're not meant to be together." "But it shouldn't be this much hard work."
Was she breaking up with me right now? Was this it? Three nearly four years just gone like that. This was it, my world was going to crash and burn again. And I'd be in pain because I let someone in. I let her in and now she's going to leave and we'll be back to being strangers.
"Angel." I looked around the room. "In." She guided me through taking a few slow deep breaths. I didn't even realise I was panicking. "There you go." Her voice was soft and calm. "You can't leave me." "What?" "You can't leave me, we can work through this." "I'm not leaving you." My eyes landed on hers. "I'm not leaving you, we're okay. I just was saying I wish things were a little different." I nodded.
"I'm sorry." "Why?" I tilt my head confused. "About the whole baby thing." "It's not your fault." "It's my eggs" "And there are ways we can work around that." "All I wanted was to be a mum and I can't even do that right." "You're going to be the best mother to our children." "I can't even make them, how am I going to look after them and support them?" "You will be perfect." 'How do you know though?" "because you look after and support me and you're so good with Rose too. It comes naturally to you." She smiled softly at me.
We both get ready for bed I help her with her skincare and get her changed before we lay in bed together, she laid on my chest my hand running up and down her spine she had her hand slipped up my top drawing patterns on my skin. "Your manager called yesterday." "I don't want to." She said immediately. "Okay, I'll call him tomorrow." Lizzie hasn't been ready to go back to work yet and I've been handling all of her work calls and other things for her. Getting her to this award show was enough hard work and she only went because it was for Scarlett and she hates letting people down. I just wanted her to focus on healing and resting and rebuilding herself. She wasn't ready to go back to work and that was completely fine she deserved the time off after what she went through. We laid in silence again just enjoying each other's comfort. "What if I'm never ready to go back to work?"
"Then you don't have to go back to work," I say simply. "I'll look after you," I promised her. "You do that already." I smiled to myself. "Nell?" "Yeah, princess?" "How are we going to do this?" "Do what?" "The wedding, babies, life." "We'll make a plan like we always do. We'll talk it through, we'll figure it out." "Do you still want me to be your wife?" "Of course I do," I say no doubt in my mind I didn't want forever with her. "Even if I can't have babies." "I love you, Elizabeth. Nothing will ever change that."
"Princess?" "Yeah?" "I would like you to talk to me about your doctor's appointments. I don't want you going through all this alone." "I just didn't think you'd want to go." "Of course, I would." She pushed her face into my chest, I closed my eyes waiting for her tears to begin soaking through my top and her shoulders shaking. I laid my hand flat on her back when she began to cry. "I'm here," I tell her. She has been through so much emotionally the past few months, I'm so proud of her for how she's handling it all, yes she's stopped working but it was needed so she could look after herself and process and grieve and heal. And yes some weeks are harder than others but it's the process. She cried herself to sleep and I stayed awake researching ways to get Liz what she has dreamt about her entire life.
---------
"Morning, Princess," I whispered when she lifted her head off of my chest. "Morning Angel." She said back moving further up my body to hide away in the crook of my neck. "Do you have to go to work today?" "No, I can text the twins to reschedule." They'd understand, Lizzie needed me and they would prefer me to be home with her than working. "Are you sure?" "Yes... It's fine, we can have an us day today." She pecked my neck happy at my suggestion.
After we took last night's make-up off and Liz got out of her dress and into normal clothes, we spent the morning in bed the early afternoon baking and she was dancing with me and singing and even laughing, last night was completely forgotten about. It was refreshing to see her somewhat happy and free. In the late afternoon we went on a walk there were a few paps but they stayed at a distance as we walked around the city grabbing a coffee and going to our spot, we watched the boats pass under us. In the evening we had a home-cooked dinner accompanied by our cupcakes and wine in the garden looking out at our plants as we shared a chair both wanting to be close to each other.
We moved to our family room when it got a little cold out and snuggled with a blanket and had the music playing and candles lit as we spoke about nonsense and boring house things that needed doing.
We ended the day with a shared bath, she turned so our fronts were flush and she was facing me she smiled wide causing me to smile back my automatic reaction to seeing her happy or smile at all. It was honestly one of my favourite things in the world her smile lit up cities, it was gorgeous and perfect and it filled me up with so much joy. "You happy?" "I really enjoyed today." She admits. "Me too." "It was easy." 'Yeah." I agreed getting lost in her eyes. "It's going to be okay isn't it?" "Yeah, it will be." She laid her head on my shoulder and her lips grazed my skin, our legs tangled with each other, one of her hands was cupping my neck the other laid on my waist. "Catch me?" "Always," I say back pecking the top of her head.
-------------
A/N- So finals isn't over but I couldn't help myself and publish another chapter <3