Fall and Winter were on and off for Nell, she had a depressive episode followed by a manic episode followed by a depressive episode and then a manic one, before her meds balanced her out they weren't working anymore. It was scary to see her like that, she was trying so hard to keep going with work and social events we had a few press things and the charity thing and then she had shoots with The Row. Thanksgiving and Christmas when we were with my family it was like nothing was going on, it was honestly like nothing was going on with her, the day after both of them she didn't move from our bed, like not once not to pee or eat or to get a drink.
New Year's Eve is our anniversary and I wasn't expecting to do anything with her being so up and down for the past few months and she was still having a hard time, she didn't come to Scar's NYE party told Scar she had to work so I went alone and before it got to midnight I went home wanting to be with my girlfriend, I didn't want to leave her alone in the first place but she insisted. When I got home there was a note on our door.
Come to the roof, Princess
So I went to the roof pushing open the old door and leaving the latch on so we could get back down later. "Bug?"I walked out looking for her, She was sitting on the railing looking out at the city my heart started to pound in my chest she had a bad few months but I didn't know it was this bad. "Nell?" She turned to face and smile softly. "Hey, baby. You're home early." "I wanted to be with you for New years," I say pinching my coat closed as the wind blew. "Come, I have blankets." She lifted it up off her lap. "I don't want to sit there," I say, it didn't look safe. She tossed the blankets over and swing her legs around and stood up in a swift motion. "There's a ledge under." She waved me over she was right there was a ledge like 3 feet below. We stood leaning against the rail both wrapped in a think blanket, I leant my head on the shoulder.
"You feeling okay?" "Yeah, tired." "We can go to bed." "No, I want to stay here." "You sure?" "I've been in bed for two days, I just want to be out here." "Okay." "How was the party?" "Boring without you." "I'm sorry." "Not your fault you needed to rest." "My meds are changing tomorrow, hopefully, they'll get it right this time." "Have you told your mum?" She chuckled. "Nell I think you should." "6 years, I don't need to tell her. I can handle it." "I'm scared," I say looking up at her. "I'll be okay." "You keep saying that." "Trust me, just a rough patch." "You're sad." "I'm okay. I'll be okay." She pecked my lips softly, switching her attention between my top and bottom. The fireworks went off and it was just like when I asked her officially to be my girlfriend.
I pulled away gazing into her eyes. "You'll be okay?" "Yeah." She pecked my lips a few times in a row. "You want to go on a walk?" "Yeah." We go back inside and drop the blankets off along with my bag and then we go on a walk around the busy city that was filled with life tonight. We walked all the way to Soho. On our way home we got a facetime from Nell's family as we had in the past, she forced a smile for the duration of the call and when we hung up Jr asked me if Nell was okay. I lied to him said she had a late night at work a few times this week. The city was still roaring at 4 in the morning with celebrations of another year.
"Look." I point and she looked in the direction. "Ew." That was all she said and I chuckled unhooking our arms so I could take a photo of the billboard. "I didn't know it was up yet!" "It's been up for two weeks now." "Why didn't you tell me?" I whined, pointing my camera I take a few pictures. "Stand next to it." "Liz." "Please," I begged and she moved into frame and smiled.
I posted a picture to my story
I tagged my sisters, The Row and Nell in it. "It's gorgeous." I gush admiring it some more before she hooked her arm with mine and kept us walking. "I got something for you." "You have?" "It's at the apartment, if you stop taking pictures of me and my huge face I'll give it to you." "Is it candy?" "No." "Not worth it." I take another picture of her up close and personal, I swear I saw her laugh, just a little one but she definitely laughed. "What is it?" "You'll see."
When we got back to the apartment she lay on the floor reaching under the bed and then she pulled out a grey box with a black ribbon wrapped around it perfectly. "Happy Anniversary." we don't do anniversary gifts. We get each other flowers and a card but that's it so I was surprised at the gift she was handing me. "We don't do gifts," I say holding the box but not taking it from her. "I know but I wanted to surprise you." She's so thoughtful even when she has so much going on in her life right now.
We sit on the bed together and I untie the ribbon and opened the box slowly, I smiled. "A scrapbook." I had two of these from my birthdays, one from Christmas and one from our vacation. And now I had one of us the past two years.
"Nelly," I said tilting my head looking at her. "Open it." It had our names in cursive on the front and our anniversary date underneath. I opened it carefully and she had written a letter pouring her heart out on the front page it was beautifully written it made me tear up. "I love you," I say through my tears. "I know it's been a hard few months for you, for us but we'll get our break eventually." I cupped her cheek and brushed my thumb over her freckly cheeks. "Catch me." "Always."
I went through the album reliving moments of the past two years we've been together.
We went Cloud watching with Brie and her boyfriend, we had a picnic and music was playing it was a relaxing day after travelling from England for Nell's work. She had written the date underneath the photo with a little caption. She had done this for every photo, I was impressed she remembered all the dates, what we were talking about at the moment, or the inside joke of the day it was really considerate.
I chuckled at this one because I was being really clingy, we were taking a road trip with the twins they were in the back and Nell was driving. I made her hold my hand whilst I watched my film and ate snacks for like two hours. She just let me and she'd sing to me when the songs would come on. We even facetimed Evans because he knows the whole soundtrack and she had the whole car singing along to little mermaid.
She even add the photo I took of her driving, well we were pulled over at the gas station the twins needed to pee so we took a break. "you're the one I've been looking for" She had written a quote from the film I watched when I was being clingy with her.
"We should go skiing again," I say. "For you to be a baby on the slopes again?" "I could do the blue ones." She chuckled. "We could plan a trip with my brother and his girlfriend, Scar, Colin. MK, Ash and Louis. A group thing." "Yeah!" I was excited about it. I looked cute in ski gare. "I was really scared." "Your grip on my hand the entire way down gave that away, I could only use one of my stick things."
"Our bike rides! I miss summer!" "Me too, I kind of miss LA." "What?" "I don't know, I miss it. A little." I scrunch my nose and she copies me. I lean forwards and peck her lips. "I love this," I tell her we were only halfway through and I was obsessed it was like a storybook of our relationship.
"Rose was small." "I know, I miss her being that tiny, now she's walking around babbling away." "She said Nell the other day." "Lair." 'Ask scar." She defends. "They facetimed me." "Really!" "Yeah." "She's saying Liz next, she has to."
I love that she picked up my hobbies too, I mean I forced her and she likes being out in the sun so it wasn't so much like she picked up my hobbies but she does listen to me ramble on about different plants and she helps and keeps me company in the garden.
This was from a few weeks ago, the charity event actually. she had been in bed for three days, not showered or ate much of anything and she knew this event was important to me, I liked having her at these events with me. The morning of I got up and went to my hair appointment and when I got back she had showered gotten dressed changed the bedsheets and got the apartment ready for our team to come over and get us ready for the event. She sat on a chair playing around with her camera and I called her name and she looked up at me and I saw her smile for the first time in like two weeks after I took the picture she said "Sneaky fucker." And I laughed and she did the nose scrunch thing we both do and I knew she'd be okay with time. She was still in there. And for her to really force herself out of bed just showed me how much she loved me and cared about me and how hard she tried to meet my needs even if they're so trivial as going to an event with me that she could have missed but because it was important to me, she overcame it all and held herself together for the night putting on a facade to the rest of our friends. Not even Scarlett knew how bad she had been.
"I look so annoyed at you." "You was." "Why?" "One you were tipsy so you thought you were top dog." "Right." We both laughed. "And two you had lost every game we have played and you kept telling me I was laughing at you but I was just smiling." I laugh remembering the night. I do remember losing a lot that night. We had gotten back from a date night and none of us was tired so we opened a bottle of wine and played card games and Jenga and other random games we had in the house and we stayed up most of the night.
One of our regular flights from LA to New york. I take a photo like this of her every time, she's always half asleep and easily pushed into letting me take a photo of her. She looked absolutely adorable in them.
Italy last year for my birthday. We spent the whole day in bed, the sun kissing our skin as we kissed each other.
We went through a stage last year where we saw a broadway show every week for like two months. It was something to look forward to on a Saturday evening. Sometimes we'd go with others like my mum or friends other times it was just us two.
She had pressed the flower and hot glued it to the page beside the photo. "You kept it?" This was from our like fourth date I got her a single flower from this guy on the street and she carried it around all day with her. "You gave me of course I kept it."
I laughed at the photo from a shoot, I was goofing off because Nell said she was just testing the light but I forget she takes all the photos home so she keeps the ones she thinks are cute and that's how she ends up with a million goofy photos.
Halloween, just gone, she was in a manic state at this point and was up all night completely sober she had been awake for 72 hours pre-party, I couldn't keep up with her, the corner where her desk was was covered in mood boards as she planned shoots and concepts it was chaotic at home. But she came with me to the party and contained her frantic state and looked after me when I drank too much as usual.
Flower shopping at the farmers market for the house, we were having guests over and she walked around with me for 3 hours finding the perfect bunches for each room and she didn't complain once, she held my hand and whispered sweet nothings into my ear and pecked my cheeks and put up with me zig-zagging from the stores.
The book was filled with so many memories, ticket stubs, pictures, pieces of road maps, pressed flowers, quotes from different books we've read, magazine spreads from both our work, ID passes for set, backstage passes, little notes I've passed her in meetings for work or that we've left around the house for each other. On the final page was an envelope stuck to the page sealed with wax and a poem written out underneath it.
You were you,
and I was I;
we were two
before our time.
I was yours
before I knew,
and you have always
been mine too.
It was a poem from the first poetry book I borrowed from her the first time I stayed at her apartment, it's a poem called always and I mentioned to her how pretty it was and she had remembered all this time later. She really is a listener she takes everything in. The scrapbook was overwhelming, every single moment we had shared was packed in here with pages and pages of memories and thoughts and love, pure love.
"Baby, you remember everything." "Because I love you and I want to remember every single moment with you." "Me too, and you make it pretty easy with these," I say gesturing to the scrapbook on my lap. "Can I open it?" "That's the idea." She chuckled. I cupped her face again. "What?" "I missed your smile." She pecked my lips. And I opened the envelope carefully.
"A key?" "Yes." "I have a key." "This is a key to our new home. Here." "What?" "We're outgrowing this space, we have a plan and we can't bring a baby home here." My smile grew slowly as she spoke. "Yes I haven't proposed yet but it's good to be prepared." "You got us a house?" "A townhouse, it has a decent garden. The one you said you liked." "No way?" "Close to your sisters, and three blocks from Scar and Colin." "You got me the house?" "I promised you a future, our future and this is one thing I can deliver on right now." "Nell you didn't have to." "I wanted to." "How did you afford it?" "grandma." "What?" "My inheritance, I got it a few months back." "She passed away." I frowned, worried I had missed a whole thing in her life."No, she wanted to see us enjoy the money, she had a lucid few days and she wired us all our inheritance, well part of it grandpa has his assets. I put an offer on the house it was accepted and yeah." "We have a house." "We do." I bit my lip. "Are we keeping this place?" I asked looking around. It was my safe space, no one knew where it was other than family and friends, it was where I went to escape things, it was peaceful and relaxing, a home filled with love and joy. I'd be sad to get rid of it.
"We're keeping it." "We are?" "Yes." "Why?" "It's our home." It's like she reads my mind. "We could use it as an office space, for meetings and stuff." "Yeah?" "Or we could keep everything how it is and have staycations here." "I like that idea better." We can keep our sanctuary to ourselves.
"Even when you're in pain you're still thinking about me, planning our future. How?" "Because you, Elizabeth Chase Olsen, are the one bit of light in my life that doesn't get tainted. I focus on you and it's all okay." "I love you way more than words could ever describe." "Me too."
I flip through the book again holding the key in my hand, Nell lays on the bed facing me. I looked at my left hand the two rings still sitting there. "when do you plan on taking your ring back?" I asked still looking at the two different styles of rings sitting next to each other. "When I get you your own to wear." I blush a little. "You have plans for that?" "Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe the rings in the house, Maybe it's in the store." "Tease." "You love it." She moves the book and lays her head on my lap and closes her eyes. "What are you doing?" "I assumed you're going to obsess over this book for a few more hours." "You'd be correct." "I'm gonna sleep." "Okay, princess. Thank you." I kiss her softly trying to put every feeling into it. "Happy Anniversary." Two years out of the rest of my life.
I kept going through all the pictures reading all her notes and reliving the memories of us. Our story is just starting out. She's still thinking about our future our kids. she brought a home, big enough for our family to grow. She remembered the house I said I liked. She remembers everything because she's perfect and I can't believe I nearly screwed this up. I could have lost her.