*Trigger Warning sensitive topics mentioned*
Nell was pulling away from me and I don't blame her, I betrayed her. I fucked up. I hurt her. She's there but I can tell she's not really there. The media was dealt with Seb spoke about the night out in an interview and said something about photoshopping a hug into a kiss was talent can someone photoshop me with 12 supermodels. And turned the whole thing into a joke. I had good friends that were lying for me. For us to reduce the drama in the media which has worked it is over with now.
Nell is currently in New York working for my sisters. I regret encouraging her to take the job now because she's away from me and time away from me could mean she decided she doesn't need me anymore. I was sitting waiting for her call, I finished work an hour ago she said she'd call me after her shoot. When she did finally call it was a forced conversation nothing flowed any more, it was the same conversation we'd had all week. How are you? Good, how was work? Good, how's Rose? Cute. And then that's it we sit in silence.
"Are you okay?" I asked her Ashley said she looked tired when she came to the studio this morning for the fitting. "I'm good. Wrapped up the shoot today, choosing the billboard shot tomorrow which is exciting." "A billboard?" "Yeah it was in the contract, I have 3 billboards and one fashion show as a minimum." "I didn't read that part, must have missed it." "It's from the updated version." "Oh." I didn't know she resigned a contract with them. "Your team called me last night." "They did?" "Yeah, it was kind of weird actually. They were filling me in on your schedule like we didn't have a shared calendar." "Why?" I frowned. "Last minute shoot for a summer fashion spread in a magazine." "I told them I didn't want to do it." "They seem to think you are. I can call them for you." "No, I can do it." It went quiet for a while. "Why don't you want to do it?" "I hate shoots." "But I make them fun right." She had a hint of a teasing playful tone to her voice that I had missed. "We're not exactly in the best place to be working together." "What do you mean?" She sounded genuinely confused. "Come on Nell, I'm not making this up." She didn't say anything. "We've not been the same since it happened." "I'm home tomorrow we can talk then." "Are you sleeping?" "No, not very well." "Why?" "Because my girlfriend is 3000 miles away and I hate sleeping alone?" "I hate us." "You hate us?" She asked confused.
"I want us back. I want my happy Nell back. I want the women who knows when I'm getting anxious before I do. The woman who tries to talk to me about her feeling despite it being really fucking hard for her. I want my girlfriend back. And I know I ruined it. I know that. I'm sorry." "Lizzie you haven't ruined anything. I'm still here." "You don't trust me." "I trust you." "No, you don't...I spoke to MK." "That was weeks ago. We're working on it. I'm working through it." "But you don't tell me anything anymore." "I tell you things." "No, you tell me work things, you don't tell me Nell things. Stories from your childhood, how you're really feeling." "I'm pretty fucking tired, Elizabeth." She snapped she didn't raise her voice but it was harsher. "I'm exhausted." "Why?" "Because I'm working my ass off. I have three locations I'm running, I'm modelling, I'm working for 6 different people, not including you because apparently, we're not working together right now. I'm trying to keep our relationship going, failing at that, clearly. You're having nightmares and not sleeping so I stay awake with you to make sure you get some sleep." "You've been staying up with me?" I was shocked, I didn't even know. "Of course I have...You were up every night. I notice things, Lizzie. Pointing them out to you isn't always helpful because as open as you think you are you're not. You have boundaries too. Boundaries about your dad, about Robbie, about what you." She stopped talking. "Pushing you to talk isn't always okay and I get that. And when you were ready you'd come and talk to me. So I stayed awake to make sure you were okay, settled, getting rest because your job is exhausting. Emotionally, physically it's draining and you need that rest." She wasn't pulling away, she's just really tired because she's always taking care of me. "I'm sorry if I've not been talkative, I'm just tired. I'll sleep on the flight and I'll be good to go to that dinner." "You still want to go." "RDJ has invited us over 8 times and we've flaked... We gotta go."
"You should sleep." "I'm babysitting Rosie at our place tonight." "You're tired, you just told me you're tired." "And so are Colin and Scarlett, Rose has been poorly the past couple of days. She'll sleep through." "Send pictures." "I will."
"You just got home?" "Yeah." I heard her keys and the door. "Do you want to plan your birthday?" "No," "No?" "I just want to be at home this year. No one else, just you and me." "Yeah?" I smiled to myself. I hadn't lost her. "Picnic in the garden." "I can do that." "Bake me cake." "You saw my last cake, you laughed at my last cake." She started laughing again, she cooed at Rosie who I could hear giggling. "Scar and Colin just got here." "Tell them I said hello." "Lizzie called you a bitch." "I did not!" Nell was laughing so was Scarlett. "Hey, Lizzie." I hear her call. Nell got the run down from the parents and then they leave.
"So bake me a cake?" "No, you'll laugh at me." "Rose, tell Auntie Lizzie to bake me a cake." I heard babbling from Rose and giggled to myself at how cute she was. "I'll bake you a cake." "Yes." "Why are you excited by this?" "You're cute when you bake." "Nell?" "Liz?" "We're going to be okay?" "We're okay."
-------
"Nell do you have a minute?" She was in the bedroom. "Yeah, just finished up the meeting with your team." "That's weird." "Yeah, can you be in the meetings from now on?" "I'll try." She smiled at me. "You ready for tomorrow?" That's when the shoot is. It's really last minute, Nell has to shoot and edit it all tomorrow. She'll get it done but I wish it wasn't so last minute it made me anxious because we couldn't reshoot if I hated the shots. "Yeah I'm ready, I just hope it comes out good enough." I frowned as I sit on her lap, she was sitting on the edge of our bed, she had papers on the floor in front of her. "Is this for tomorrow?" "Yeah, I'll go through it later with you. What did you need?" "I wanted to talk?" "Yeah of course. What's up?"
I sit and fiddle with my rings, my promise ring and Nell's dad ring still sat on my wedding finger. I really should give her the ring back but every time I try she tells me to keep it. It reassures me that she is coming back to me. I think that's why she lets me keep it. Also, it's a special ring and she trusts me to some degree which makes me feel better I didn't destroy everything, and I was special enough to wear it. She didn't push me to talk right away. "Um... You know when we had dinner at Dads?" 'Yeah?" "And I said that thing. And you said we didn't have to talk about it?" "I do." I looked up at her and she wasn't judging me she was listening and patiently waiting for me to get to the point. "I want to talk about it." "Okay. What about it? Are you okay?" "I'm fine, I'm doing a lot better than I was when I was thinking like that." "Good, I'm glad." She pecked my cheek. I took her right hand and started twisting her ring, no longer finding comfort in twisting the rings on my own finger. "That's what my dreams been about... About how I tried to." She inhaled as she listened to me stutter out I couldn't say it. She brushed her nose against my cheek. "It's okay, take your time, Princess."
"I panic in water because I... That's what I... And I panic because I have something worth breathing for now." Her other arm wrapped around me her thumb brushing my side soothingly. "My therapist suggest I tell you about the dreams but I couldn't tell you about them without explaining this part." "I get it." I turn my face and our noses bumped each other. "I go in the water and I'm floating and then it gets heavy and the water gets darker and there's weight on my chest and I can hear you calling me." I pecked her lips needing to know she was there. "And you sound so hurt, like when we talking after the article, your voice does this crack thing when you're trying not to cry, and when you cried for Cassie and it was painful you could tell you were in pain and I could hear that. But I tried to swim to get to you, and my foot feels stuck." "Take a breath." She reminds me so I copy her deep breathing. "I look at my foot and there are hands around it pulling me and when I see the face it's me, I'm pulling myself under I'm keeping myself down and I want to get to you but I can't." I interlock our hands and squeeze them once she squeezes back.
"I look up and you dive in and I can't reach your hand to get me free and then it all fades away and I wake up." "You know I would always jump in after you, I would get you up." "I know, the dream is just horrible because you're in pain." "Is there anything I can do?" "Get some sleep?" She smiled softly. "I am, baby. I'm sleeping. What can I do for you?" "You do enough." "Tighter or looser?" "Tighter," I say knowing she meant how tight to hold me. "Thanks for telling me."
We sat for a while before she asked me a question about it. "Why?" "Why what?" "Why did you try?" Neither of us could bring ourselves to say what I really did. Or tried to do. "I felt trapped like there's no other way out." "After we met?" I nodded. "When?" "You were running the store on your own all day, you had just cut your hair the day before. You made me these pizza bagels, but it was homemade and when someone asked about them you said you were out. That day...I went home and I went to our pool and stood and Robbie come out. And I looked at him and decided." "What happened?" "Nothing." "Please?" She pushed. Now I know how she felt when I pushed her to talk to me.
"He came out to the pool and asked me where I had been... I didn't say anything and he saw your scrunchie in my hair, you borrowed it to me because it was really hot that day and my hair was bothering me. Do you remember?" I remember every detail of that day. "Yeah, the pink satin one." "Yeah, he pulled it out my hair asked me where it was from and I didn't speak. I was tired of speaking because he just yelled and he yelled anyway. He pulled my hair out with the scrunchie like a clump... You noticed the next day, you noticed every time, didn't you. Before you said anything you knew... you saw." "I wish I had said something sooner." "I wouldn't have listened, I had to do it for myself..." "What happened after?" "He screamed and I decided what I was going to do. he went out. I found a bottle of his in the alcohol cabinet and I drank it and got in the pool and let myself sink. It was peaceful... it burnt a bit but I felt light? I guess." "Why didn't you?" I smiled and pulled away to look at her. "What?" "You," I whispered, her eyes darted between mine. "Me?" I nodded.
"Every time I came into the store you'd smile, it literally lit up the whole store. And it made me feel warm. And you were so relaxed and calm and the way you spoke to me like a human, not a piece of shit, not like I was the greatest thing in the world but a real person. And you were really nice and sweet. I saw that smile and the world it didn't seem so bad. There was actually good in the world and I didn't want to turn my back on it just yet. But before I could get myself out, Robbie pulled me out. Called me a fucking idiot and left me outside for the night. I didn't come the next day until the afternoon." "I remember." "So you, ultimately you were the reason. I didn't get back in the pool that night." She kissed me softly. "I'm really glad you didn't." "Why? You'd of found someone to love." "I wouldn't be here either Liz. I wouldn't have gotten through losing Cassie, I wouldn't be planning my future with you or at all." "You would have survived, you're stronger than you think." "So are you." Snuggled into her neck. "I love you." "I love you." "I'm really sorry." "Don't apologise." We stayed close for a while.
"Show me the plans," I say nudging my head towards the papers needing a distraction from the past. She already had pictures of my outfits. "So summer theme obviously. You have this beautiful green outfit. It's stunning, It was dropped off at the studio today." I nodded. "We're going to shoot that one in the studio I found this screen that's similar to your eye colour so it's all matchy, matchy." I smiled as I looked at her notes. "Then we have the white dress." She pointed. "We're doing that at location, this pool lowkey, we have these melons I want to try." "Melons?" 'The red will match your lipstick. And I'm hoping you'll get distracted and not freak out about the camera." "So melon and green. What else?" "As much natural or natural-looking light." She continued to explain each concept for each outfit, she even had poses and stuff ready.
----------
"Want to see the shots?" Nell said finally coming to bed. I yawned and put my book down as she crawled up the bed holding the Ipad out to me. I take it as she settles herself down beside me. "They turned out good. I like the green the best." She tells me I let her pull them up so I could see them. "I haven't emailed any yet so let me know what you prefer."
she was right the green outfit was the best and we agreed one of them should be the cover.
"This one," I say. "But the other you see your face more." "I like this one," I tell her tapping the screen. "Okay." She made a note and then we moved on.
"I have it in black and white too, but it's better in colour for summer, right?" She asked tilting her head looking at it. "Yeah, unless you have other black and white ones too and mix it up?" "I'm not sure. I'm not an editor for the magazine so they'll do what they want, I can just make suggestions." "I want you to have your own magazine." "No. I have far too much work as it is." "But you could have complete creative control." "So you want me to take photos, model and make a magazine?" "Yeah." "No." We laughed a little before continuing through the photos, she had edited so many already. Though she has been in the office for 4 hours.
"Mouth full of watermelon... Not going in." I say swiping, she swiped back. "I like it." "No." "It's cute." "No, it's not." "Please." "No." "I'm keeping it. I'm going to get it blown up and hang it in the lounge." "No." "Yep." I swiped away again.
"What about this one?" "I don't like it." "Why?" "You're biased." "Am not. I didn't edit the pictures of you in the orange dress, why? Because it was gross. You looked not as beautiful as you look every single day." "Rude." "I love you." "I love you."
"I like this but think it's more autumn." "Yeah, the colours reflect that, even the roses." She nodded. "Still cute photos though." I scrunched my nose up at her and she pecked my nose. "Next." I swiped and she laughed at my abruptness.
"This one is being sent, you don't get a say." "Rude, I get a say." "No." I stuck my tongue out at her and she just smiled at me. "I like the photo." "Perfect." "We need one more." We had been sitting here for an hour going through and selecting photos to be sent off. She had until midnight to send the email. So we were cutting it fine.
She had edited all the colours in the photos to match the same aesthetics, She had a real talent and that's why it takes her so long because she thinks of the little details. "You make me look like a princess." "You are, my princess." I kissed her. She sent the email with the photos we selected, we picked 20 out of 60 photos some edited perfectly others half done.
"Long day," I say when she lays on her back. I take her glasses off of her face and fold them up putting them on my bedside. "Two more weeks here." "cold months in new york." "Thanksgiving at mums." "Christmas at Ash's." "New years at Scar's." "We have the charity event in November." "Do I have to go to that?" She asked sounding exhausted with the thought alone. "You went to the valentines day one." "Yeah because it was valentines day." She said in a 'dub' sort of tone. "Please, Robert is riding my dick about you coming for the past three years." "Fine." "Anniversary?" "Plane. Right to Rose's party." "Forgot she was having it the day after." "Yeah, which is good because it means we can have our day on my birthday when you bake me a cake." "Stop teasing," I warned her.
"Are you at the studio tomorrow?" "Yeah." She yawned. "I'll stop by in the afternoon?" "Yeah, that sounds good." "Dinner with the Downey's in the evening." "Yeah...Do you have an outfit picked out?" "No." "Want me to sort it in the morning." "Yeah." "Can you pick my dress for the charity event?" "Yeah." We were both tired and the back and forth of monotone question and answering until Nell fell asleep first, I laid my head on her chest and went to sleep myself. It's been a really nice day working with her, I thought it would be a stressful day with the time crunch but Nell isn't like other stressed photographers, she was really laid back she didn't care that I was goofing off and messing around dancing to the music. She let me enjoy it and for the first time a shoot, especially a fashion shoot wasn't so awful. Plus spending the whole day with her was rare. Unless we were both off work which happens maybe once a month.
I'd probably do more shoots knowing Nell would make it more enjoyable. And the photos came out better too. And she let me approve them before she sent them and I liked having first peek at them before anyone so I can prepare myself for the comments. Plus she doesn't edit my body or my face, she goes above and beyond to the shoot locations really private so paps don't see me or fans and so I can just be myself in front of the camera.
I would stop rejecting the shoots as long as Nell was available. And after our talk today I felt really connected to her again like before like we were us again.