I collected my bags from the collection point and wandered outside whilst I waited for my phone to turn on so I could call for a car. Lizzie has this service she uses and she's added my number to the account it's really useful for when Lizzie is working as I'm yet to buy a car. I've been looking, just not committed to anything yet.
When my phone turned on I had a million missed calls from Lizzie and a string of messages that made no sense. "Liz? Is everything okay? I just landed." I flag down a cab instead so I could stay on the phone with Lizzie. I give over the address of the gated community and put the phone back up to my ear. "I'm so sorry." She sobbed. "What's wrong, Princess?" I was so confused, her crying on the phone somewhat normal because of filming she often gets upset but the apologising was not normal. "I'm in a cab now I'll be home in like 30." "Please don't look on the internet before I can talk to you." "What's happened, Elizabeth?" "Nothing, just please let me explain." "You're making me worry, are you okay?" "I'm fine. I'm just, I'm really, really sorry." She hung up and I was left confused. I messaged Scarlett about what has just happened also letting her know I landed safely.
My mum had messaged me a few times asking if I was okay and what had happened. And I was even more confused. I paid for the cab and walked up the hill to our home and Lizzie was waiting on the drive for me she was wrapped in a blanket with puffy eyes. "Hey, bug." I kissed her cheek. "What's happened?" I asked wrapping my arm around her waist and bringing her inside. I leave my bag by the door. "Stop being nice to me." She says pushing me away from her. "Lizzie, what's happened? You call me crying, my mum's asking me what happened? I don't get it, I'm confused." I say sitting down she stays standing. "I'm sorry."
"Quit apologising." "Promise me you won't leave this house." "Elizabeth?" Her saying that made he believe something bad has happened. "I kissed Robbie and it's all over the media." "Pardon?" I asked not processing what she said right away, she sat down beside me and held my hands to make me turn to face her. "I'm so sorry." I turn my head away from her. "Why were you even with him?" "I'm sorry." "Stop saying that and talk to me." To say I was hurt was an understatement. Robbie of all people. "I saw the article about yours and Scarlett's night out." "The night out you told me to go on? That one?" She nodded. "And it hurt, they said you left me for her and it hurt and I drank and I got drunk and stupid and I called him and we went out to dinner and he kissed me and I kissed him back and paps caught it and now it's all over the media and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." "You went out with him? The man who hurt you? To hurt me for something I didn't do?" I asked trying to stay calm as possible. And get a clear understanding of her thought process before I exploded with emotions. Never did I think she would do this to me. "I made a mistake." I looked over to her and she reached up to wipe my face and I pulled away so she didn't touch me. She looked very hurt by this, I haven't pulled away from her touch for a while I've always encouraged her to touch me when she wanted because I knew Robbie didn't let her. But right now I couldn't. I felt so betrayed by her, I let her in and she did this. Kissed fucking Robbie of all people.
"I'm not leaving, I'm just going to take a minute in our room." I stand up and walk away upstairs, I could hear her crying downstairs and the part of me wanted to comfort her but she did something wrong and I needed to sit and think.
I sit on our bed and search Elizabeth Olsen and Robbie Arnett. My finger hovers over the news tab and I click it preparing myself for torture. I click the most recent one and read the article, it brought up Scar and I's night out, pictures of us dancing in the club low-quality ones, Because her hand was on the small of my back apparently I'm dating her. And I kept scrolling and reading until I saw the photo of them kissing outside a club.
mummy
I'm not okay
Are you home?
Yeah,
It hurts
Oh my baby, come to the coffee shop, we can talk
Lizzie and I need to talk
And you need a mummy hug, bug
I'll stop by... Can I come home tonight?
You don't have to ask, bug.
I love you
I love you, chin up buttercup
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I sit a little longer, I decline Scarlett's calls not wanting to talk, she had probably seen the articles too and I didn't want to talk about this with anyone but the women downstairs. It was just a kiss right... I can get over a kiss. I go into our bathroom and wash my face, I looked myself in the mirror and took a deep breath. "Don't cry," I tell myself firmly as my eyes watered. "Don't. Cry." I say slowly, I push all the air out of my lungs closing my eyes.
I go back downstairs and Lizzie is in a ball on the sofa. I sit down and didn't say anything what could I say, how was I meant to comfort her. I push my back against the arm of the sofa so I'm facing her bringing my legs pulled tight to my chest and resting my chin on my knees as I look at her. "Lizzie I want to talk...I'm staying at my mum's tonight." "No. Please." She sat up to look at me, she knew not to touch me I didn't want it. "I need to not be here, but I need to fix this so we both can go to sleep." "I don't want to fix it because you're going to leave me. I made a mistake. I regret it and I'm sorry I hurt you." "I understand that. But I'm hurt. You kissed him of all people him." "I wasn't thinking. I just got in my head." "Then call me. You could have called. I would have gone through it with you. This is what we're meant to do." "I know." "Then why didn't you." "Because I'm stupid." "You're not stupid." "Can't you just scream at me, get mad? Stop being nice." "Because you don't deserve that. I understand you made a mistake. It hurts yes but it doesn't warrant me to make you feel worse. It's not going to help anyone." "Leaving isn't going to help either." "I'm not leaving. I'm taking space. Something you promised me. I need to process this alone because I look at you like this and all I want to do is wrap you in my arms and tell you it's okay." "And you're going to take some space and you're going to leave me. Because I hurt you. I cheated on you with him." "It's a kiss. I can get over a mistake like a kiss. I just need time." "Is there someone that can come stay here with you?" "Yeah, my girlfriend." "I can't. I need to be away from you right now." "Don't say that." "Lizzie, listen to me." "No, listen to me. I'm sorry. Don't leave me." "I'm not leaving you. I will be back." "No, you won't."
She pulled my ankles and crawled onto my lap cupping my face, I fight her for a moment and then she wins. "Please." She kissed me and I kissed back and then the image of her and Robbie doing this flashed through my head and I pulled away. "Nell, please." I pecked her forehead. "we're going to be okay." She shakes her head. "No, don't leave! You can't leave." "I need you to let me." "No. No. No."
We spoke for three hours and she finally understood I needed to leave and she let me go. I got to the end of the drive. "Nell!" I turned around and she was jogging towards me, she held onto me tight. "Catch me?" "Always." I hesitated and she noticed holding me tighter. "Your ring." She pulled away and went to pull my dad's ring off her finger. "I'll be back." I hold her hand hoping it gives her some reassurance that I would be back, I wouldn't disappear on her and I was coming back if she kept this ring she'd know that. "I'm sorry." "I know." I didn't tell her it was okay because it wasn't okay what she did was very wrong and it hurt like hell, my heart literally ached at the sight. But I knew she was sorry so I acknowledged that. "Aubrey will be over after work." "Please stay." "I'll be home." "When?" "I don't know. I don't know." She rested her forehead on my shoulder and her shoulders shook. "But I will be back. Please believe me." "I didn't mean to hurt you. I was scared and upset and." I held her tight cutting her off.
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Laying on my mum's bed in her arms sobbing is something I've never done. I've never been heartbroken by a partner because I never got to this stage. I never cared about what the other person did or didn't do. I never let myself get hurt because that's a stupid thing to do yet at 23 I'm crying like a teenage girl over someone they loved, love. I love her and I hate how much this hurts.
Mum made me dinner and it felt weird it was just being us two, no Cassie hanging around singing loud asking questions about her homework. Just the two of us sat, me emotionally exhausted and mum trying to fix me. I never needed fixing before. I felt bad that mum was living here by herself. I tried to stop by as much as I could be she's used to having us or someone constantly there. She must be so lonely.
We sat on the sofa watching one of my old favourites, wild child and I knew I had to go home, I needed to be with Lizzie. As much pain, I was in I needed to be with her to fix this. "I have to go home." "Nell, you need time. I know you love her and you want to want to forgive her but you need time to do that." "I can't leave this. I love her too much to let her sit and torture herself." "She hurt you. Just because she's Elizabeth Olsen doesn't mean you go running back to her and thank her for gracing you with her presence." "I'm going back home because she's my girlfriend, someone I made a promise to never go to bed on an argument and always come home... I keep my word. This is it for me mum, she is it. She's who I want to spend the rest of my life with." "Bug, she kissed her ex." "I know. I know that and it hurts but daddy always said when love hurts it's real. And this hurts so much and I can't walk away from that. I can't let her sit there hurting." She tucked my hair behind my ears. "You're too good for this world." She whispered. "You're every bit of your dad." She admired my face. "She's a good woman, but if she hurts your heart again she isn't welcome in this house." "I know. Two strikes." "Two strikes." Mum had this policy for all our girlfriends and boyfriends, they mess up twice, they hurt us twice they're not welcome and mum doesn't try with them, it makes family functions pretty difficult. Of course, none of my partners had ever gotten to one strike before and this was a really mild thing to get a strike for. Jr's ex-wife got an abortion without telling him and Tony's girlfriend took off with his car in the middle of the night. "Half a strike?" "fine."
"Take the car, bring it back tomorrow to the store here." "Yes, thank you, mummy." I hugged her and got my things together before driving home. I parked up and unlocked the door it was one in the morning at this point. I was trying to be as quiet as I could.
Aubrey was in the guest room asleep, I'm glad someone had been here with her. I closed her door and went to our bedroom and Lizzie was awake but she didn't notice me. I closed the door and went around to my side of the bed she rolled over and looked at me. "I made a promise to always come home...The pictures were photoshopped, you were there with Seb." "What?" "That's what you can say. I've spoken to your team they're putting out a statement in the morning, Robbie's team is willing to comply. We'll go out tomorrow together in malibu. I need to drop Mum's car to her, we can have a beach day they're sending paps." "No." "Yes, Lizzie this is what we're doing. We're fixing this mess publically and then we can deal with this shit at home." "No, I'm not lying." "Lizzie, please just let me fix it." "No. Because you'll hate me." "What is the point of everyone thinking you did this?" "Because I did! I did it and hurt you. I ruin things." "No you've been told your whole life that you ruin things so when they get good you get scared you make mistakes but we can fix this. We can get through this. I love you." "I don't want you to forgive me for this because in a few weeks or months it'll come up and you'll hate me." "I could never hate you." "I kissed him. I kissed him to hurt you. What type of person does that?" "Someone who is used to pain and being let down." I tuck her hair behind her ear.
"You've been pulling your hair again," I say noticing the thinner patch. "I can't help it." "I know." I brush my fingers through it. "How bad?" "Aubrey was scared to leave me alone, made us keep the doors open." She said almost ashamed. "Did you hurt yourself?" I asked sometimes she throws things, hit things. "No, I'm okay. I threw a camera, I'll replace it." "Don't worry about it." I keep running my fingers through her hair. "I don't deserve you." I inhaled deeply. "We'll work this out." "I broke your trust." "Trust can be rebuilt." "I don't deserve it." "You deserve the world." "You deserve the world. You, not me. You're kind and hard-working and you've been through so much shit but you're not bitter or angry at the world you're still lovely. You're a lovely person and you deserve the world not me. I hurt you. I hurt you over and over." "You don't hurt me over and over." "Every time I have an attack I hurt you." "No, you don't. Yes, I'm concerned, yes I hate seeing you like that. But they don't hurt me I just want to look after you." Her hand went to her hair but my hands were already there so I stopped her pulling.
I pecked her forehead. "I'm here, I'm staying, we're going to be okay," I tell her softly. "Please take the ring back." "I don't want it back." "It's your dad's. He wouldn't want me to have it. I hurt his little girl." "My dad is a very forgiving man," "He'd hate me." "No, he wouldn't. He'd tell you we're all human, Elizabeth and we all make mistakes. That's allowed. What matters now is learning from those mistakes and moving forward." "No." "Yeah, and I know this because I was given this speech when Ria died and I completely trashed our house, everything we owned was in bits. And he told me we make mistakes and we learn from them." "What did you learn?" "Not to react with anger when your hurt." "That's why you don't shout at me?" "I don't shout at you because I don't need to, I don't want to. I don't want to hurt you any more than you've been hurt." "If I hadn't grown up with my dad and been with Robbie would you still be here right now?" "I would." "Why?" "Because life is too short to pretend to hate someone you love so much." Her bottom lip wobbled as she tried not to cry.
"Promise me it won't happen again." "I promise. I promise." She cupped my face. "You really hurt me." She closed her eyes and pushed her forehead against mine. "I don't let people close enough to hurt me, Lizzie. You're the first person I've let in, I've let see me broken and been vulnerable with. The first person I've let hold me in so long. It fucking sucked laying in my mum's bed and crying. I wanted to know what I did wrong, what could I have done to avoid this." "It wasn't you." "I don't want to feel like this ever again," I admitted to her. "Don't do this to me again. Because I can't come back next time. I can't do it." Now I knew Lizzie was okay I could tell her how I feel. "I won't. I won't do this ever again." "I'm so sorry. I love you so much."
"I love you too."
We spoke a little longer and we agreed it was going to take work to rebuild this, but we were willing to do it and our love hasn't changed. She lays her head on my chest and I ran my fingers through her hair, she held my hand tight in her sleep.
"Lizzie I told you to keep this door open." I looked up towards the door. "You're home?" She sound shocked. "She's my girlfriend, this is our home. We belong here together." She smiled. "Thanks." She clearly read the confusion on my face. "For keeping your promises, for understanding her. She's one of my best friends... She made a mistake, she's used to being hurt." "I know."
She sat on the corner of our bed. Aubrey isn't a serious person but right now she looks so serious, she's a completely different person. "Those attacks? Do they happen often?" "Panic attacks more often when she's away working." "Away from you?" I shrugged. "The big ones, episodes we call them they happened frequently when we first got together. She hasn't had one since Christmas." "It was scary." "They're worse for her." She blinked a couple of times. "She wouldn't breathe. And she kept pulling at her hair." "Yeah, you have to catch her hands before they reach it, she'll fight you." "Has she hurt you before?" "No, she's not got it in her, even when she's in such a state." She hasn't hurt me badly but that's our business. "She pulled clumps out." "Yeah, it's awful seeing her hurt herself." "What can I do to help?" "Untangle her hands, hold them loosely the tighter the grip the more she panics. talk her down, get her to breathe, tell her she's safe. If that doesn't work, protect her until she is tired and she sleeps." "I wish she didn't feel like this." "Me too, all we can do is be there for her in those times. Like I said it's way worse for her. She has this feeling of impending doom, crushing weight on her chest and sudden loss of control.' She nodded.
"Are you two okay?" "We will be. Just need to clean things up publically so she can be left alone. We're spending the day together tomorrow we spoke a lot tonight too." "Angel?" "I'm here," I say to her. "Aubrey came to check on you." She sat up. "I'm okay. Really. I'm okay." She says. "Good. Sleep. Later bitches." And she left, she left the door open a crack but switched the light off for us.
"Come on, lay down." "Catch me?" "Always."