[ Continuing story of Dreams pt.8 ]
So.. even tho everything seemed normal, things were being a bit supernatural with me. I had started hallucinating weird paranormal things. Hearing things when there was no such sounds.. and many such.. most of em connected to my dreams. I can't tell much rn i don't have enough energy to, so let's fast forward everything and continue the story.
Dream#1: After all that happened with Ishu and me trying to move on, and i was so suicidal too, I saw at end of 2020, that I was on some kind of a train which was going out of earth, kinda like death train or something XD and i was on it. And that dream girl was trying to stop me from leaving this world as she needs me here. She was screaming when the train started and was calling me to come back..
#2 another dream which was very unbelievable. It was a dream where i met Ishu in some place and she told me some things she never told me before and i was so shocked
#3 i saw a dream where i met that dream girl again and she said me that she's a fairy that's why she couldn't be with me in real. I saw her repeatedly where i could talk with her with my consciousness and i would talk to her about my life and all that shits going on with me. And even it happened where i would wake up from reality and come across her in that parallel reality or whatever. Once she even woke me up with her whispers. I saw one dream where she was my wife and she died before i realised about it.
#4 The more important one. I saw a dream where Navi was being weird and she wasn't understanding me and forcing me her opinions etc and i unloved her due to that (which never happened in reality before) and in next part of dream i saw that i met this dreamgirl and got to know she's only Ishu- wtf- and she said that she still loves me really and wants only me- she was crying so much and i told her to meet me in some cliff and we went there. It looked like the same cliff i saw once in old dream, where that dreamgirl slipped from and i took her hand. When we met in the cliffside, i told her that i wanted to ask or tell something to her.. but before i could tell, ig i fell from there- and she was shocked and so broken seeing that-
#5 I saw one dream where i saw a different kind of a god completely different and the place and realm seemed to be far away from laws of science. I saw he was fighting the anti god in a groundless sky and their clothes were made of hard thicc rocks/stone kinda, even tho it was so big and heavy it moved and twisted like cloth piece only even when it was all solid rock- it's weird coz we never saw such a form of any god. They neither looked like any known animal or human or object. They looked in a completely unbelievable and unknown form-
And later i saw the god being prisoned, and chained inside an underground place and i broke the chains with some magic of mine and helped him escape. His body was so big like a mountain wow -
#6. I saw a dream that for something we had to go to school and was hoping not to come across her again.
But later i saw myself in some beach kinda place. I met her there. She was being very crazy and over-funny -_-
And there she told me stuffs. She about she still loves me like mad and that she didn't think of anyone else since then even and was so angry/hateful on me for leaving her and whatever had soem quarell kinda then i also explained my stuffs about how much i was worried about her, my feelings, etc ;_;
Then we were just talking about some past stuffs and was asking her if she remembers this that even now or forgot xD she even remembered something i forgot idr what now.
I took her to some small boat in the beach and we set it up to sail thinking about how we used to do it in past :0
(How weird we used to play with some boat in past in this dream weird- xD)
And then i was talking about i always felt Alisha was her only. She too told me it's her only. And that she's been stalking me often wow :0 then she even said something teaseful about some other guy ig, which hurt me but then i found she was just kidding xd we talked a lot, and i was soo much shocked there i was unable to speak anything XD
She told that she's in so much pain coz of me leaving her ;-; and me too.
And then i was wondering what to say now when I'm already with someone else... I was out of words for her.
Then i saw myself talking about some cruise with her. And she said she would wear that saree i chose for the trip :0
But i was feeling kinda scared worried and anxious seeing her condition, she seemed to be abnormal like real insane... i was in so much pain seeing her in pain yet she pretending she's not in pain. And i was hopeless that she can never be normal again and neither will i be feeling happy then TT
Idr what more, i forgot the dream..
Ugh cp so much TT i wanna die..
(These were my diary notes of back then of dreams)
Anyways, let's come to reality now.
//reality//
I used to be happy with Navi. Things were ok even tho it was LDR (Long distance relationship, as she lived in a far away city and it wasn't possible for us to meet for a few years)
But like in dreams automatically, reality started bending itself.
Earlier when i was new in the relationship, i used to sleep at 1 am but sacrified my sleep and slept more later coz she usually needed me a bit more at late times, but when i expected her to be available for me a bit more at evening, she suddenly to me "Cya, I'm going for a walk with my bestie". This happened so many days, and I was so innocent i didn't even complain her and let her be herself even if it's unfair in efforts. But tbh it just kept breaking me down everyday, becoz i was so wanting to see her out of my phone as she was in a different city and i never met her, But that someone else who doesn't even cares much about her gets more of the privilege nd importance(yes her bestie legit ignored her for days when hwr exam was near she would easily reject going out with my so noble gf who leaves her bf alone, even at times she told me she would talk with me a few times she cancelled it for her, which hurted me a lot), once yk a guy Anurag here was bullying me a lot and he was so toxic he legit added fuels to a misunderstanding between me and Navya di here. And he used to always show hate and toxicity on every post even when everyone loved my post he would show hatred or disliking to truthful things XD and even after his threatens, backbiting shits, my noble gf back then was talking to him. I was like wtf u r? Like everyone, u will basically ignore what someone's doing to ur love? Wow is this ur standard of loving someone, that u still be talking to someone who bullied and hated ur love always? And she replied me "Coz he talks okaish to me" hoe, if someone's good to u and kills your beloved with toxicity and brings back his trauma, ok np forgive the person. Great job.
We were in relationship for more than an year. It was a long distance one so it was really very much more of pain than any happiness lol. Her dad was strict asf and often i used to feel her absence mostly when i needed her she didn't even had her own phone at the age of 19 -_- coz her dad thinks getting phone to her daughter at this age means she will get spoilt jshsjshsj. Her dad even had beat her for no reason multiple times in his own anger. He's the most fickle minded Stupid brat I've ever seen in the world. He hated her so much for taking her decisions related to what she wanna pursue like he even resisted her once from taking the stream/college she wants coz his colleague manipulated him to make her daughter aim for more money making courses instead of aiming for helping ppl being a psychologist wow- I've also heard about some guilt tripping happened about her parents indirectly forcing their own dreams to their daughter and shaming her if she doesn't wanna be their puppet. Most Indian parents are shit yk. There are a lot of more shits but I'll ignore em and not talk about it here rn as it's very personal. Otherwise, Navi is a really nice person and she's been very good to me as a friend for sure. She tried but it could never bring me back the peace and security i needed.
Meanwhile, if u read my other books like Flowers and Worlds of words u will know about my parents. They had been highly judgemental towards me and back then used to always quarell a lot and my mom would always try to run away or suicide and i had to stop her and calm down. It happened too frequently and my fam background was really bad too I'll not talk about it here but yeah i was really supportless all along my life and everything i had to bear alone (other than the fact a few good ppl here like Navi and others were there to talk with)
Then the fact Navi wasn't giving much efforts in understanding me and my needs hurted me a lot for long time. She continuously hurted me often due to unable to understand my triggers even after knowing me and she tho said she loved me i stopped believeing in it. Cos when i needed her i wanted to talk on call she couldn't do as she was too afraid of calling. Even when it was possible for her at times to. Afraid of her parents when her own sister can call at midnight she can't call at daytime when they already know I'm her friend? Neither my parents had any probs with it, my parents don't know my past but they know of Navi. And they often make me feel bad by constantly telling me and sus on her about the fact why she never calls me etc etc. At some point when i even got calls i disliked it a lot idky maybe coz i didn't get the kind of affection and behaviour i needed to feel any comfort or secure in this love. Rather usually i would get more blank and dead in calls instead of feeling better as she was very very silent in calls and hardly any convos used to happen in between us and i got detached from everyone due to my insecurities and all.
So due to those hurtings at home and shits in my relationship it kinda numbed my feelings as she disappointed me a lot too many times and made me feel unloved often again and again and couldn't understand me and also coz i hate the fact ppl say sorry after breaking u but they don't change their acts they keep doing is what made my love kinda get die for her and the fact she triggered me a lot in the early 2021. Altho she accepted her mistakes later, but it can't bring me back my happiness i feel void within me and im very insecure about love now also coz of what my parents had been doing constantly worsening my state even when i was ok, actually it was my parents who compared me with all ignoored my pain, forced their decisions over me and hated me, they cursed and mentally abused me since always. i have lost faith in love and understanding. I felt there's no right person for me, we kinda been on break from relationship but i still gave her chance, but ig no more if she make me feel loved right and hurt me more than she can comfort. It had already made me insane with whatever happened with my ex already. Anyways but still Navi was a really supportive person even after all that we had been close friends at least even if not so like relationship much after some months.
I was constantly seeing 4 everywhere whenevrr i saw something like whenever i saw time mostly it would show 4:44pm 44% charge in phone at places too so. Or else I'd always see 25, like in college i sat on bench number 25, came on an auto having number with 25, saw an ad inside metro 25% discount, in tv channel watching someone channel number 25, and all that oof ksjsksjhsbs this happens even now till today XD
I came across often things and quotes at that time talking about change. And when i searched about why I'm seeing 444 so often etc, i found in internet it's some angel numbers which means gods are with me and guiding me to something important. And there a big change is going to happen in my life.
And unexpected this did happen. I had idky a weird feeling about something and suddenly went and texted Sakshi after a long time and asked her about Ishu. At first she resisted me often to tell anything and said me to forget what happened and move on etc etc. But i had a gut feeling something is really wrong with all this and my soul was feeling resist towards my gf and rather due to many things i started feeling twin flames do exist and there's something not known to me and just like that dream, it came true again. In 25th January end i was convincing Sakshi to tell me whatever they're hiding from me. She told me finally at 3 am on 26th Jan.
What she told me completely shook me-
I could never believe it. That dream too came true. There was a fucking big misunderstanding and no one told me about. Ishu hid all that, everything from me.... Wtffff... And her mf friends too didn't told me about all that coz Ishu told em and gave em kasam to never ever tell me anything. Later i got to talk with Chitrita too and both Sakshi and she whatever they said... Uff-
A few ss from Sakshi:
After talking to both Sakshi and Chitrita i realised many things in this misunderstanding, other than just these ss. Sakshi was feeling guilty of hiding everything from me coz of that kasam and so she told me all that as above. I realised, Firstly it was this stupid Ishu was having an opinion that i don't really love her and that idk who or how someone manipulated her about the fact that i love someone else back then when i didn't. She was made to think that she was a barrier for me and that i needed someone else instead of her and she had a lot of toxicity and self hatred and thought it would be better if she just left me and everything then i could get someone better who can love me more than her. Stupid hoe -_- the worst thing was that her friends who knew all this instead of stopping her, they rather supported her and let her stay in this misunderstanding.
According to the way how chitrita behaved with me later and argued over the issue, and the msgs, i got sure about how much mfking hoes this friend was. And probably i suspected it was her idea to make her pretend all that to make me feel like she's wrong person for me. Why? Chitrita was more concerned about her own pov about entire thing and she believed that being in a different religions, nothing could ever happen in between us, and it would bring us both lots of pain and trouble later especially coz of this so called conflicting religious parental shits -_+ and so they made up a plan of hurting me like that and showing she's a bad person to me so that i can leave her. Meanwhile due to some reasons another misunderstanding happened that she believed i don't love her -_- i was very angry over chitrita for betraying and never telling me truth, as an excuse Chitrita said that coz i was angry she never told it thinking i won't believe haha. If Sakshi never told me Chits would never tell too. At least Sakshi agreed she misguided Alisha and failed as a sister for her. While Chitrita kept her ego and started accusing shits and trying to prove that I'm the one wrong here. I hated her a lot for hiding everything and misguiding that immature bitch to take the wrong decision of ruining this love.
Yk when i asked this so called bff of alisha, Chitrita, to help me finding about her. She said something like "I don't wanna be involved in all this" when her friend Zubair was involved in this drama lmao coz she, whom Alisha trusted the most, don't wanna spoil her relation with her friend for Alisha. Nice friend.
Zubair, who used to be a friend of Alisha here in March, 2020, once told me another different story that Alisha used to flirt with him and they used to be pretty close and she even told him "I wanna get rid of Aryan" back then-
Which kinda broke my heart, this dude was pretty reliable person and it's very hurtful to know that the girl i loved the most, she said something like that to a person on my back...
I had a weird unusual mental breakdown in first week of march 2021 btw and felt like I'm half of myself, i felt so empty void and lost all reasons to live i was suddenly all suicidal and suffocated with too much pain and burden to bear alone in real. I was very very traumatized by everything and my past pain returned back especially maybe coz i had some supressed feelings back then and now i was feeling an extreme amount of heartbreak and pain.
Later on just for our mental peace i wanted to solve the case with Ishu. But her acc was already deleted in end of 2020 and i texted most of her friends here and friends of friends and searched for around 200-400 accounts with similar usernames, named, fandoms, nicknames, etc as her thinking she might have a secret acc.
But i could never find again, when i posted something about her as a rant in anger coz of the pain, these friends of her were kinda hating and judging on me and made a big drama out of my post misunderstanding stuffs. That AnuragAman049 or whatever he even mistook a certain post i did for a hate account girl where i called her as a bitch, he mistook it as Alisha and as he was so nosy and envious of me, he was follower of Rahul gandhi!! XD he or soem frienf of his spread rumours here which weren't true and Chitrita and he accused me at charge of "Bullying an innocent girl Alisha" coz i ranted against what all shits she did with me. They and their friends targetted me and sent me toxic, judgmental advice- threatning or hate messages in my dm or mb. And i blocked em all one by one eventually. I felt very supportless all the time even tho Navi and some more ppl here supported me, an online support by texting was not something which could help me thru this pain.
Later on i even cleared the misunderstanding with Urjo finally! I sent her a writeup i wrote thinking her to be alisha i just wanted to know the truth so i contacted her or else i would never have contacted Urjo.
I sent this blog write up of mine to her (There's a lot of write up in a page here with lots of stuffs about my feelings etc):
https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/preview/8497484956777815702/2040170794037523967
But even tho misunderstanding was cleared, she told me she's not Alisha and that probably it was someone impersonating as her.
I'm not sure of the truth tho coz when i saw some posts of her since the time i had breakup with alisha, Urjo too had been posting stuffs about breakup etc and there was no boy i found in her other social medias whom she broke uo with thete was no such evidence. I even read her poems she started writing here again for a while after i told her the above blog. All the poems she wrote most of em resonated so much with what happened with me. She too was feeling exactly same kinda feelings of agony pain as me at the same time, her parents too were so much like me i was so confused what's happening. It's so weird. I tried talking to her but she kinda was ignoring me so i had to let her alone and stopped thinking of her again.
Once i made a secret account of mine here Moonlitskie i made it to evade the hate account and drama going on so that I can write with peace as ppl were judging a lot and being toxic towards me too much. I made that acc for some safe space to write. I have a poem book there and lots of poems about my love life and feelings are there too which i haven't shown here. I love the poems i wrote in that acc a lot cos i tried a completely different style of writing there XD so i used this acc to follow and read poems of Urjo and what a coincidence we both had matching usernames too here lol. She didn't knew it's my alt acc and i didn't told her in worry XD i commented some stuffs in her books to help her thru her pain as it was harsh for me to see her in that condition. But later she ig left wattpad eventually as she's been offline since many months and now everything is over ig. Including my feelings and faith on life. Afterall, it's not possible for me to love again and again... I'm not the kind of person who can quickly move on and use ppl as time pass in love I can't... And it hurts that i was genuine when the other one wasn't like in Ishu's case. Which stays unsolved till date. Neither she ever came again.
Once i posted something here about Alisha as a message to her in my mb in case she's stalking me. And Sakshi claimed me foolish and stupid for trying to do this and seek her. Everyone made me feel so bad for being not fully moved on quickly and trying to solve misunderstanding. These ppl quickly break anyone and move on, I'm not like em.. it's not possible for me to be so selfish like em. The main problem of world itself is that PPL preach each other to be selfish. Only if they preached to love, world would have been a better place.
So next, after seeing this post, one unknown new account texted me asking about it. She said her name alisha-
I was so happy for a while, but then she said she's not her and just the name was same and someone told her of my post so she thought i wanted to talk with her. She then said me suddenly about she doesn't wanna do something but has to do it, she was immaturely talking and being toxic towards some guy idk who according to her decision and before i could say anything she already deleted her account. I was worried thinking what if it's her coz both of em had the same nickname Alisha Chan here-
I was in panic, later she reopened account deleted again, again made new account and deleted after days without talking much. And said me she needs my help with something but she needs time, she will tell me once her bf is gone.. she told about some bf she's having here one username and that he cheated on her or something, and so she was taking revenge from him.. later before anything else could happen idk what alll happened between her friends and shits, i heard that she suicided or something from one of her bro here. And i never saw her again, i don't even know who she's whether it was the same girl or someone else or what... Who knows...
I simply hate the drama that ppl did with my life and i can never ever forgive these ppl... Never ever... I hate that Alisha's friends so much and I'll hate em all forever... !! They made me so chaotic with those hatred and decisions which ruined me so much, i felt so trapped by my heartbreak it was hard to move on without any closure, without anyone to actually make me feel like there's any hope and any happiness in this life left for me. I eventually lost up all my willpower and anger had consumed me.
#another dream i saw a few months ago:
Oh god and goddess unbelievable i had consciousness in dream today and I'm able to recall almost everything now.
In one dream (forgot the first part)
I saw myself walking somewhere and going back home from a bit far. At night time and kinda empty places and forested with lack of lights much. (I've seen these places in old dreams also and I think it was the place on the way to that dream girl's home)
And there while coming home ig i knew it wasn't a reality but dream and so i was searching for that dream girl or so if i can find her maybe i will be able to do something..
Then i went ahead fast, and came across an extroverted talkative bengali girl and her sis who were talking a lot wimme ah nice first time someone in real talking with me in dream tho xD, coz in real no one had talked much with me TT
I forgot their names now tho. But they both too were going to same place so i also was with em. I forhot what we talked , but we reached the railway station of our area but it looked so different.
Again i saw some places which I've seen in past dreams too which aren't in reality :0 wow.
And there i came across a guy friend of dreams (i don't even remember much now, neither known person ig) :0
And we were talking stuffs and talking with those girls also. Somewhere in dream i also came across ig dreamgirl or ishu again :0 wow
And she was saying that actually she's Bengali or in Bengal only but her origins are from Dubai, and ig she's muslim based too :0 she seemed to be a bit unexpectedly annoyed, awkward n uncomfortable tho idky ;-;
Later the train came. Those two girls told me some station name where they come from. But none of em existed in reality i knew that.. weird.. but too much crowd there and so they couldn't enter train and missed it and Sudha also. And so she was very angry and went out of station idk where tho i searched but couldn't find her ig :0
Then me and that guy friend waited more for those two bengali girl n her sis to get next train. Then they said us "Phir Milenge" and went.
.....
I saw a dream where i saw dreamgirl in a weird ancient temple kinda place and there she told me that i died 25 years ago wtf-
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In one dream i saw her of a different universe.. she told me that i died in that Universe or time and she wants to stop her form of this universe from making a big mistake of destroying her love (aka me)
It was so weird coz she was contacting me from a different dimension, and she wanted to warn her own self of this world.... About future
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In one dream i saw myself travelling thru time and seeing and coming across different realities in the same dream..
I saw many more such things i can't recall much now...
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In another dream i saw Ishu and her place i saw her life and a lot of things, like struggling with parents and loving me secretly and when they got to know about it, they treated her a lot harshly and she was in pain ;-;
...
I saw many such dreams, for example, one where i was kinda stiffened with pain and unable to move or breathe and got suffocated due to this heartbreak and that Ishu was there but Chitrita or someone blocked all the ways i could reach her so that she never gets to know the truth about me and lives in a lie that i didn't love her, i wanted her to know the truth, the true faces of her fake friends and the pain she gave me. Acc to many dreams i found she still loves me. Idky all this happened with us. And i basically hate parents so much.. parents are the actual cause of all crises, some of em, not all, they don't teach manners, behaviour and to respect keeping bonds and feelings, rather teach their child to be rich in money, to not fall in love restrict them, make wars between castes and religions, and barries in love... I hate em so much...
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I recently been seeing too many dreams of kinds where Ishu/Urjo sent me some suicide note before dying, in one i saw myself dead, in one dream i saw her body lying in ground and blood everywhere and she was killed.. and all these things have been traumatizing me too much... I wanted to forget everything if that's the only way, i tried everything but nothing helped plus my parents and chest pain is keeping me far away from peace, but even god doesn't wants me to have peace neither any way to solve this case...
I hope after reading all this ppl Won't come over and shame me? Thank you for patiently reading. I wish someday she will read this and know what she did, in a fury of misguided decisions to ruin her and my life so quick. Thank you that unknown hoe.. for making me feel you're my first love, for making me feel aluve for a while but suddenly leaving me away when i needed her love the most, for making me feel most unwanted when i wanted her the most, and for being the murderer of my countless feelings and dreams... I hate this world a lot i hate everything... I feel so mad and insane. I want to end everything... I can no more wait or stay here... in this inhuman world... I'll add my note in Melancholy x Euphoria in "aru.exe stopped working" part. Thankyou... And sorry.... I can no more take this anymore. I'll give in to this wrath i feel against everything. I'll give in to this need of death... Sorry... How long am i supposed to force myself to stay alive for nothing..