Requested by @pharless :)
Trigger warning: Please don't read this if you're sensitive to self-harm/suicidal thoughts/depression
I'm not really a professional at these ^ types of stuff, so forgive me and please inform me if I make any mistakes.
Also, this contains littlespace ^_^ because it was requested~
For some reason, I now prefer writing POVs for sickfics.
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Jimin's POV:
It's tough.
So tough being an idol, so tough having to attend shows or performances every single day, and so damn tough to be crowded by fans every single moment. Don't get me wrong, I love our fans, but some of them always get way past the line. It's okay to love us, to be an ARMY, but please, stop trying to break past security and into our dorms.
Not only that. Every darn thing I say, and every fricking thing I do is under watch. Every day, I'm supposed to be careful and aware of the media trying to break past our boundaries and write about our daily lives. I may be a famous singer or dancer out there, but deep inside, I'm still Jimin. I'm just a twenty-four-year-old young adult who wants to live out his passion and dreams. I don't get why I have to face all this.
Once, I got involved in a scandal that I had completely no idea about. Probably just some media trying to write the fame out of us. As usual, I'm trending yet again on social media, ARMYs are defending me, there are thousands and millions of posts about it, and it's all just people swearing and arguing about whatever.
I don't need this. I just want to fulfill my goals and dreams, and live the best of my life. It's so fun and enjoyable being around the boys, of course. We're just seven silly men who want to have fun in life, isn't it? But we all can be tired sometimes, so tired that we may break down. I remember, back when we just debuted, Yoongi hyung used to have tons of panic attacks, and he even had to rely on medication to cope. It's horrible, I know, I've witnessed them myself.
Life's gotten way better now, we've had much more fans, and we don't have to go on the streets passing out concert flyers like how we used to do. Still. Many may be jealous of this fame, but I sometimes want a break from this. I just want to break free from my idol responsibilities at times and forget about everything. Return to the young, innocent Jimin I used to be. And that's how I found out I was a little. I was caught by Jin hyung one day (because you can never hide anything from him), sucking on a pacifier, but the members all accepted me for it. For who I am. They even take care of my little self sometimes. I don't know about the public though.
Ever since I've been a little two years ago, I'm slipping weekly to relieve the heavy amounts of stress. It's great, to be honest. I used to worry this would increase the members' pressure, but they've shown me that they're great with it. They'll probably be good dads in the future. Just saying.
Recently, life has been filled with concerts, more concerts, and a whole world tour. It definitely excites me when I'm with our fans, but it really takes a toll on our bodies both mentally and physically, and when we return to Korea, at least one of us has to be hurt and injured. And I feel kind of guilty for dreading the upcoming concert in Seoul two weeks later. It's so close that we're rehearsing every single day, and that we're literally spending hours in the practice room. Late-night practices have become common things now, and no one scolds me for doing it, because, well, every else is just doing the same.
Since we're so busy, I've barely gotten any time to slip, and when I ever do, it's just a quick fifteen minutes to half an hour. Even the members say that they're okay with it, they seem reluctant as everyone just wants to get done with practice as soon as possible. And that's when it's really, really taking a toll on my mental health.
I can't help it. I can't help feeling depressed. Why am I stuck in this repeating loop? Practicing, resting, more practicing, and barely any eating. Now, the sight of food makes me sick. I don't want to eat anymore. All the others are talking about is just practice over and over again. Talking about how each person should improve on which move, about how we could do better. This has become such a common topic, I don't dare to talk about how weary and exhausted I am.
Usually, I like to talk to someone to feel better. I'd sort of rant all my troubles to someone, then my stress would be much relieved. But then, again, nowadays, nobody's free to do so. They're just too busy working, working, and working. I could talk to my parents about it, but they don't know about my littlespace and it'd just be difficult to beat around the bush.
So that's why I can't help it. Can't help the repeated scars on my wrist. I don't know why, but even if they hurt, they help glue the cracks in my heart back tight. I don't know why, I'm trying to undo everything back again, but it's like an addiction. Once I've started it, I can't stop. It soothes the pain in my heart.
I don't even feel little at this point anymore. It's just cutting, cutting, and more cutting. I've become more reserved, and I'm always hidden in my room, holding my blade, and harming myself. Is it right? Do I deserve this? There are lots of questions that I don't have the answers to. Please tell me it'll be over, please...
End of POV
***
Hoseok's POV:
Something's wrong with Jimin. I just know it. He's not his usual cheery self anymore. Usually, even if there are long hours of practice and barely any time to rest, he's the one who cheers us up and motivates us to keep going. But now, he doesn't even show a smile. And he probably thinks we haven't noticed, but he hasn't been little for quite a while -- unless it's what he does when he hides in his room for up to a few hours.
I want to help him, but every time I try to approach him and talk, I either have something else to do, or he just avoids me. He basically avoids all of us right now. The others may be too busy to notice, but he's become more reserved these days. I hope he isn't really upset or anything, and I wish that he could tell us what's wrong.
Today is a Saturday. Even if it's supposed to be a free day for all of us, Namjoon and Yoongi hyung are already in their studio, working on their songs for the comeback that's in two weeks. It's supposed to be finished way long ago, but those two still want to double-check the songs one last time before we upload them.
Taehyung and Jungkook, who have finished their breakfast already, are playing early video games on the couch. Jin hyung is just reading a book in the corner, checking up on all of us in the living room from time to time. Except for one, and it's Jimin. Yet again, he's hidden in his room. He may still be sleeping, but it's ten in the morning and we all know for a fact that he's an early bird, even on our holidays.
"Anyone noticed that Jimin hasn't been little in a while?" I call out to everyone, trying to grab their attention from what they're doing. "Yeah," Taehyung replies, but his eyes still stay focused on the TV screen. "Maybe he's just busy," Seokjin looks up from his book with a fond smile. "Yeah, I know, but don't you think he's changed a lot in a way? Like, he never smiles right now."
What I say makes my own heart sink.
"He's barely been little, he's still slouched in his room till ten in the morning, h-hyung," I gaze at Jin hyung, who's the only one paying full attention. "He doesn't feel like Jimin anymore. We should see what's wrong."
"Well, if you want to, then help him slip. Little Jimin blabs everything out in an instant," Jungkook says, followed by a losing cry from Taehyung, who turns around right as the game ends. "Right. To be honest, Jimin seems to have become more distant, but if you ask him directly, he might not tell... so, anyone has his favorite stuffie?"
Yoyo is already in my hands. I'm talking about the yellow bunny stuffie that we bought for little him two months ago. He absolutely loves it and will slip immediately after he takes one single glance at it. We always keep it beside us, because it's Jimin's emergency stuffie to comfort him sometimes.
"Alright, then I'm off," I smile to the three of them. "Wish me good luck."
I creep upstairs and knock on Jimin's door. There's some shuffling around, and around five minutes later, the door opens slowly. "What do you want, hyung?" Jimin forces a smile. "Aww, don't be like this. Did you just wake up?" I ask. "Yeah," Jimin says, but I can tell from his facial expressions that he's lying. Well, why not try to make him little first?
"Hey, Jiminie, look who's here," I hold Yoyo in front of his eyes, hoping that he'd slip immediately. His bottom lip quivers, but he shakes his head. "No, hyung, I don't have to slip," he lies, but anyone can tell that he's close to the edge of doing so. "Really?" I raise a brow. "But hyungies can take care of you, sweetheart..."
All this is enough for Jimin to jump in my arms and give a tiny, high-pitched giggle. I finally relax into a smile. Our usual Jimin is back. But we have to find out what has happened though. I know we're not supposed to try and get or know things out of little him, but this is serious, and I'm worried this is about his mental health, so we'll have to.
I close the door gently as I hold his hand and walk down the stairs carefully together. "There we go, baby," I grin. "Why don't you show hyungies who you've got here?" When in littlespace, Jimin refers to all of us as 'hyungies', even Taehyung and Jungkook. "Hyungies, hyungies, look!" Jimin runs towards the living room and beams, his eyes creasing into crescents. Ah, how we've missed his famous and adorable eye smile.
"Who do you have, Jiminie? Can you tell Jin hyungie?" Jin puts down his book and opens wides his arms, and Jimin jumps into them. Giggling, Jimin squeals, "I have Yoyo, hyungie! Hobi hyungie get me Yoyo!" I can hear Taehyung and Jungkook coo from the other side, while I approach Jimin. "Hyungies are really happy to see you happy, honey," I say, "but can you tell us why big Jiminie was sad-sad recently?"
The room's atmosphere began to tense up.
"Big Jiminie can't tell," Jimin frowned and pouted cutely. "Why, sweetheart?" I say as I stroke his hair softly. "'cause big Jiminie not let anyone know that- that he's huwting himself, I can't tell that, I have to keep it a secret," he put a finger on his lips. "So hyungies can't know."
Even if little Jimin thought he was keeping the secret well, he was already indirectly telling us that big him had been self-harming.
"Is big Jimin sad-sad?" I pretend to pout. Jimin sniffles, plopping down on the floor as he hugs Yoyo tight to his chest. "He feels sooooo tiwed," Jimin nods. "Wittle Jimin can't come out, s-so he sad-sad, a-an', he doesn't weally wanna huwt himself." Jimin gasps, his eyes widening. "Told hyungies..." he looks down on the floor.
"It's okay, sweetheart, hyungies won't judge big Jiminie or be meanies," I promise. "Pinky promise?" Jimin hesitates. "Of course," I smile as I link pinkies with him. "Now, can you be a good boy and tell hyungies what's happening?"
Jimin nods vigorously. "He's sooooo busy with the c-comeback, he jus' wan's rest, b-but he always has to work an' work," he pouted, tears at the corner of his eyes. "An' he doesn't wan' hyungies to be mad-mad at him... he wan' them to be weally proud, he weally is tryin', but he can't. He wan's hyungies' cuddles..."
"Aww, baby, come over here," I open up my arms, and Jimin slowly crawls into my lap, snuggling into my sweater. "He c-can't stop," Jimin starts full-on sobbing, and I rub his back in an attempt to soothe and calm him down. "Eomma s-sometimes talk to him, b-but she doesn't know he's wittle," Jimin rubs his puffy eyes. "Big Jiminie has n-no one he can talk to, hyungies are t-too busy."
I know for a fact that little Jimin tends to stutter when he's upset or scared, so I feel really bad for him. The next question I ask is triggering, but I have to know. We have to comfort our baby and prevent him from hurting himself the next time. "T'ere ugly..." Jimin begins crying again. "But that's the only way hyungies can help him," I say.
Jimin points to both of his wrists, and I shoot Jin hyung a glance. Tae and Kook edge closer to have a look as well. When we lift up his sleeves, I gasp in shock. It's horrible. Scars cover almost every single inch of his lower arm. I can tell that it really hurts. Some of them are already healed, but I can tell that some of them are fresh from just now. "There's a blade in his room, and it's fresh with his blood, hyung," Jungkook returns from Jimin's room with said item.
"This isn't good," I frown, worried. Jimin simply wails in my arms, and I just can't calm him down. "Sweetheart-" I begin, but suddenly, he stands up abruptly, his eyes widening as he runs back to his room and slams the door shut. "He must've become big again," I sigh. "Now it's going to be even harder to help him."
"We'll be able to, eventually," Jin hyung pats my shoulder reassuringly.
But for some reason, I don't feel reassured at all.
***
We had one long talk that night. Somehow, we managed to get Jimin outside and into the living room. We sat down together and talked.
"Jimin-ah," Yoongi says softly, and Jimin flinches. I can see how badly he's hurt. "Ssh, it's okay," I whisper in his ear. He's currently on my lap, apparently, he seems to find that slightly comforting, but still, not a lot. "Is everything okay?"
Slowly, Jimin shakes his head, hesitating if he wants to use words. "You don't have to say anything you don't have to," I ruffle his hair. "Just nod or shake your head, alright? Just be comfortable, and most important of all, be yourself." He nods again.
"So... why do you think you've started to- to harm yourself?" Yoongi asks. "It's just a question, we're not judging you or anything. We love you, do remember that."
And just like this, we shared each other's thoughts and ideas. Jimin told us what he felt, and what we could do to help him. After that was a lovely and wholesome cuddling session. Jimin even slipped for a while.
And the seven of us were finally happy again.