Well, that's what happened again.
Another person dear to me decided to leave my life.
I watch Vivian walking away and I can't move to catch up with her and tell her everything without concealment.
Maybe if she understands what drove me, she won't leave?..
Damn, it's like I'm paralyzed.
All I hope is that in such an unconscious state I won't start crying in front of everyone on the street, like a schoolgirl ditched by her shit of a boyfriend in the middle of a party.
Vivian's words still echo in my head.
The harder I try to get her back, the more fierce she becomes.
She feels how deep she's penetrated my skin.
The girl knows that she can do whatever she wants with me, say whatever she wants - I'll crawl to her anyway.
And she's damn right.
Ethan's voice brings me out of my thoughts.
"Hey, dude, what are you standing here for? People are staring at you."
I look around and see that a crowd has gathered around - they came running to look at the show.
Fucking vultures.
It seems Ethan just left the club and didn't see Vivian and me.
At least someone is not aware of my shameful failure.
"I just said I'm already leaving, and they think it's pathetic," I lie to the guy.
"The party has just started - of course they think you're a jerk," he answers.
"I have unfinished business, I'll see you tomorrow," I say abruptly and immediately head to the car so that he doesn't have time to utter a word.
My mind is clouded, like I'm in a terrible nightmare.
The problem is that this nightmare is my fucked up reality.
I take long, fast strides to get to the car.
Hope no one will disturb me here.
No lie, Vivian hurt my pride by how quickly and decisively she refused me.
It's like there's nothing between us, like she doesn't feel anything.
What if I invented it myself and believed in her feelings for me?
No, she wouldn't be so mad if she didn't care.
Suddenly there is the sound of a car door opening.
I look to the side in the hope of seeing my favorite face features, but, alas, not the one I'm waiting for gets in.
"Hello, darling!" says Carine, smiling provocatively. "I saw and heard everything. Do you mind if I sit with you for a while?"
All I know is that I need to be alone.
"What do you want?" I ask, not hiding my disappointment.
"I want to be here for you," she replies, batting her eyelashes, "As always."
A grin plays on my face.
But the truth is that Carine really always brightened up my loneliness when I needed it, even though not in the most innocent way.
The girl deftly moves from the passenger seat to my lap and grabs my face with her palms.
"It's always been me and you against the whole world," she says and, wasting no time, kisses me fervently on the lips.
My first thought is to resist. I grab her hands in a futile attempt to push her away from me.
"Don't deny the obvious. She left you, she doesn't need you," Carine looks into my eyes, "And I never turned my back on you, I always came and I will always come when needed."
She slowly approaches my face again, but this time I voluntarily reciprocate her.
Why chase an illusion if I already have a person who worries about and supports me?
While we make out passionately, Carine unbuttons her jacket, clearly hoping for more.
I want to have sex with her to forget about Vivian.
More precisely, I want to want to.
But I can't.
"You're not her," I whisper bitterly.
"What?" the girl exclaims rudely.
I don't know what Vivian did to me.
I suspected those green eyes would drown me in themselves.
I'm bewitched, I belong to her alone with every cell.
From Carine I always expect an instant effect, with Vivian I want to prolong the pleasure. With her, I want every moment to last forever, with Carine, I want everything to end as soon as possible, so she can leave.
Isn't that the answer to my doubts?
"Get off me. Go have a drink and dance with your friends."
Carine makes another attempt to touch my cheek with her palm, but I manage to intercept her hand.
"I said no," I warn through the clenched teeth.
She makes a sarcastic grimace and quickly returns to her seat.
"You know what's funny?"says the girl, buttoning her jacket, "Only a blind man would not have noticed how Vivian and Leo look at each other. It's obvious to everyone that they form a perfect couple.
I think they've already slept together. Perhaps they are having sex right now while you are so nobly and selflessly trying to be faithful to her."
What is she talking about?
No, no, no, no, I won't let her get into my head.
Leo would never do that to me, and neither would Vivian, no matter how offended she is at me right now.
I clench my hand, which is not visible to Carine, into a fist trying not to show any reaction to the provocation at all costs.
The girl defiantly turns her face to me, while I pretend to look through the windshield.
She chuckles with a bitter smile.
"I hope she never comes back to you," Carine abruptly opens the door, "And you will die alone."
The bitch quickly moves away, while I fold my hands in front of me, as if in prayer, and touch them with my lips, closing my eyes, in an attempt to calm down.
I don't know how many times I have to remind myself that Carine is a girl and I can't physically harm her, but after a while I manage to negotiate with the raging monster inside.
However, immediately after one internal tornado gives way to another.
Leo and Vivian.
Am I really that blind if I don't see a hint of their mutual sympathy?
I was only glad when I saw that the girl is comfortable with my friend, that she trusts him, and this can play into my hands.
Leo mentioned a couple of times that he had a girlfriend in another city.
Either the long-distance relationship didn't work, or Vivian can charm anyone, even the most devoted man. Which, of course, I don't doubt - just look at her!
If she realized all her possibilities, the world would be in danger.
The thoughts and doubts that come into my head just drive me crazy.
Perspiration has formed on my forehead, which I casually wipe off with a slightly shaking hand – either from anger, or from fear that all the worst assumptions may be true.
In order not to be tormented by riddles, I decide to go and find out everything from Leo and Vivian themselves.
But first I need to drink and blow off the steam.
***
The place I'm driving up to is still as smelly and dirty as I remember.
When I was a little rascal who dropped out of school, I ran here to fight with notorious thugs and get at least some money.
Sometimes it was possible to get a large sum, but it also cost a lot of effort. Sometimes I had to lie down in bed for several days, recovering. There were a couple of times when it seemed that I would not be able to put myself back together at all...
But what satisfaction I felt when I could beat avid wrestlers two or three times bigger than me.
Now I'm in a completely different shape, and my mood is more than fighting, so there shouldn't be any problems.
"What brought you here?" a familiar manager asks, smiling slyly.
So many years have passed, and he's still rotting here. Hasn't he ever wanted to change his life for the better?
Although who says this is a man who himself showed up in this shithole again.
"I'm here to kinda recapture my youth," I reply complacently.
"The guys were genuinely happy when you stopped coming here – you really were unhinged: no fear, just pure rage. Now, judging by your appearance, you've settled down a bit," he teases, smiling.
"Maybe...But not so much as not to kick the ass of the most arrogant bully in your hovel," I confidently answer with a grin.
I purposely dare him – the harder the upcoming fight is for me, the more unnecessary thoughts will leave my head.
"Not another word," says the shady man, making notes on the computer. "You go in 10 minutes. Take the blings off: your opponent knows how to skillfully hurt using them."
I deliberately don't go to the locker room, but head straight to the ring.
Absolutely nothing has changed here, it has only gotten worse.
I find it surprising that people still come here at all.
I notice glances and whispers thrown in my direction - probably someone recognized me, and they can't figure out what I forgot here.
I carefully remove my chain, watch and ring and put them in my jeans pocket.
I hope everything goes according to plan, and things will remain safe.
As safe as me myself.
I should have left everything unnecessary in the car.
In the far left corner of the room, the neon sign of the old bar is barely lit.
It may not be the best decision to drink alcohol now, but otherwise I will be even fiercer.
Alcohol will at least dull the pain a little and slow down the rhythm.
Although, I must admit, I've never had a drink before a fight.
"Whiskey on the rocks," I say to the bartender when our eyes meet.
I don't know what kind of booze he poured me, but this swill is clearly not whiskey.
No matter what, I still gulp down the liquid and give the glass back.
"Hey, what about paying?!" he shouts after me.
"I'll pay with the winnings," I assure the poor guy, smiling impudently.
I really don't have any money with me – my phone and wallet are left in the car.
Approaching the ring (or rather, what's left of it), I finally notice my opponent - a stocky, muscular bully, playing with muscles on his chest.
It never occurred to me to take anything off myself – I didn't come here to entertain the folk.
In the few minutes that are left, I silently go over everything, that has angered me lately, in my head – Vivian and her date with the nerdy professor, my rash act, our quarrel in front of the club and most importantly - Carine's words.
All this gives such a powerful adrenaline rush that I wouldn't envy the guy who was set against me.
Alcohol only adds fuel to the fire.
I feel out of control, which is disturbing, honestly.
When the signal is given to start the fight, I, without hesitation, rush at the opponent.
I know perfectly well that their job is to show off in front of the public, but today I will not give such a chance.
From my experience, I know where and how to hit in order to knock out an opponent as safely as possible.
He tries to resist, even hits me once in the jaw with his fist and seems to break my lip, because I feel a metallic taste on my tongue, but my blinding rage gives me a huge advantage.
I don't have a goal to beat the guy to death, he already doesn't look good – as if he was kicked into the ring for the first time without anyone to explain him what to do first.
Beating him up enough, I throw him on the floor and twist his arms behind his back so that he doesn't move.
After the next 10 seconds, the fight is announced to be over.
Either it's just me, or everything really went too fast.
The judge hands me an envelope with money, I take out a few bills to give to the bartender and throw the rest on the floor next to the loser. Something tells me he's only doing this shit out of need. His eyes are too kind for a killing machine.
Damn Vivian!
Before I met her, I wouldn't have cared about anyone's eyes or anyone's life at all–you either win or lose.
I wonder what she would think if she saw me like this...
No, you know what? I don't care!
I approach the bar, pay a lot more than I should, and drink another glass of swill whiskey.
My breathing is still rapid, blood is dripping from my lip into the glass.
Alcohol stings the wound like a fucking bitch.
I can't drink anymore, otherwise I'll start getting tipsy and won't be able to drive.
While I'm coming out of this shithole, a dozen easy girls wink at me, with their ample bosoms open for show.
Not that I used to be a sucker for them, but after meeting Vivian with her puritanical upbringing, it makes me disgusted even to look in their direction.
I don't know what the fuck, but for a few minutes I can't remember where I left the car.
I hope these bastards don't mix anything into their damned swill.
When I'm finally inside, I start the engine and slowly pull out onto the road.
The remnants of common sense are begging me to change my mind about talking to Vivian and Leo.
Oh, shit!
As soon as I think about them, the nasty voice of that bitch Carine sounds in my head.
If the flame in my chest was real, I would have been nothing but a handful of ashes long ago.
I'm trying to breathe deeper to calm down and not make mistakes.
The silence is killing me.
I think my ears are going to start bleeding from how painfully quiet it is.
I'm a little used to Vivian chirping something from her seat: asking childish questions, sharing her opinion, just smiling at me...
Fuck!
This is not a girl, but some kind of obsession.
All I have to do is drive home without incident and sleep it all off.
If I had had the courage to tell her about my feelings, she definitely wouldn't have left me today.
What if she really is with Leo now, as Carine said...
I nervously put my palm to my face, wipe the sweat from my forehead, run my fingers through my hair, hit the steering wheel – I do everything I can not to succumb to the urges of the inner demon.
Without noticing it, I bit my lips so that it seemed to bleed again.
I'll leave her a message.
One little audio message won't hurt anyone.
I'll just tell her the way it is. It's much easier to do without seeing her disappointed face.
I have to make a lot of effort to gather my thoughts and convey everything I want in my speech.
The plan is going fine until I get to the story about Carine and her assumption.
God knows I didn't mean for this to happen.
I press "send" and abruptly turn the car around.
If Vivian has time to listen to the message...Well, we'll figure it out on the spot.
***
I feel a little calmer when I see Leo's car parked in front of his apartment.
He could have taken Vivian far away from me, but he didn't.
Most likely, he just hoped for my sanity.
I sit for a while, trying to bring myself to my senses, so as not to scare Vivian with my distraught appearance – my goal is to take her away with me, not to make her hate me even more.
Deep down, she knows herself that she is best and safest with me.
I approach Leo's apartment and ring the doorbell.
I have to do it three times because no one is there to open.
Do they really get dressed in a hurry after...
"Aiden?" my friend whispers in surprise, rubbing his eyes, "Did you even see what time it is?"
To tell the truth, I have long lost track of time.
"You look like shit," he has the audacity to say.
"I'm not happy to see you either. Where is Vivian?" I remove the asshole's hand and go inside, looking around.
Leo shakes his head in displeasure.
"She's sleeping, it's late. I had to give her a sedative, otherwise she couldn't fall asleep," a friend tries to shame me.
"Is she in this room? The door is open...Did you come out of there?" I begin to get annoyed.
"Yes. She asked me to lie down with her," he makes an excuse, while I shoot daggers with my eyes. "Aiden, are you drunk? What's wrong with you? You never drink when you get behind the wheel!"
"What's wrong with you? You never sleep with my girls!" I retort tartly.
"She's not..." Leo looks away, taking a deep breath and covering his face with his palm in a hopeless gesture, "Aiden, you really need help."
"She's my help. I don't need any pills and no doctors when she's with me," I honestly admit and head to the room where Vivian is.
I have to go around the bed because my girl is lying turned away at the very end.
She looks so peaceful. Probably the pills Leo gave her are working and she's having sweet dreams.
I trace the outline of her face with my fingers, gently tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
Just looking at her has a calming effect on me.
Carine's bullshit can't get to my head - I see the whole truth in this angelic face.
Having admired Vivian enough under Leo's gaze, I carefully take the sleeping girl in my arms and move to the exit.
In this cotton white floral dress, she shouldn't be cold outside and in the car until we get to Grace.
"Wait, what are you doing?" my asshole of a friend tries to stop me.
"I'm taking her home to where she belong," I reply threateningly.
"Aiden, she doesn't want to..."
"Open the door"
"This is wrong..."
"Open the fucking door, Leo!" I can barely keep my shit together.
As soon as the guy reluctantly gives the way, I hurry to the exit.
"You'll regret it," his voice is barely audible.
All I care about right now is the girl in my arms.
I hope she doesn't wake up before we get there.
I barely manage to open the car door and gently put Vivian on the front seat, lowering it for convenience right after.
I'm in no hurry to start the engine, because I want to keep looking at her.
Now it seems as if everything that happened today is a feverish dream.
It is at this moment that everything is in its place, the way it should be.
I carefully adjust Vivian's dress, which has risen up, and touch her hand for a moment.
She gently squeezes my fingers in her palm – I smile at the realization that even in a dream she feels and reaches out to me.
Now, more than ever, I'm sure that I made the right decision.
It's time to go home.