"Double date. Double date. Double date!" Scarlett cheered and Nell stood looking at her in disgust. "Don't look at me like that." Scarlett scolded her. We had just told her we were dating, though she knew but we told her we were now telling people. Only our friends and family excluding my parents and Cassie. "You're so cringy," Nell said walking out of the room. "You love it." "She doesn't," I say following Nell out of the kitchen and through to the lounge. "So double date?" "No. We're not public yet." "But you're telling people." "No, it's complicated," I say looking at Nell so she can explain it. "We're dating, exclusively." She says looking at me and then back to Scar. "But we're not official and we're not going public in terms of the media and outsiders knowing. It's just our small circle. Congratulations on being part of that. Further questions can be saved when Lizzie is not here because you stress her out when you point out flaws in our plans." Scarlett rolled her eyes.
"So no double date?" "We could do something here," Nell suggests. "Here?" "Yeah, we have home dates often." "Home dates?" "Home-cooked dinner, candle on the table, mood music, wine, then to the sofa for a cuddle and a movie," I explained loving our home dates. "Or Nell could come up with a super lowkey location for us to have a proper double date." "That's rude." Nell pointed out. "We like our home dates. Sorry, we're not all fancy like you and Colin." She was teasing but also calling Scarlett out. I sunk into Nell's side needing the closure from her. She didn't question it just adjusted the way she sat so I could get comfy there. She'd move her hand into the range of my grasp and I would spin her ring around her finger. My anxiety sometimes came out of nowhere.
When we first started dating I was hesitant about getting comfort from her but she didn't make me feel bad she was just there for me. And she understand what I needed. "We could go to Little Italy. my brother's friends with the owner of this cute place we could get a table in the back. Super lowkey, no one will bother us." She offered. "What's it called?" "Little ways." "Colin mentioned that place before. I think he likes it." "It's Italian everyone likes it, it's just carbs and more carbs." "True." "But we'll have to go on the weekend because Lizzie is only fake Vegan on those days." "I'm not fake Vegan." "You eat animal products at the weekend do you not?" She asked me and I nodded. "Fake Vegan." She clarifies. She teases me about it all the time.
"Next Saturday? I'll take Colin's clothes and pick him up from work." "Saturday Night Live." Nell highlights. "Yeah." "Saturday." Scarlett Nodded. "Night." She nodded again. "Live." Gosh, she is simple. "Colin isn't free in the evenings my love," Nell says. "Oh, shoot yeah. Um, Sunday?" "We have tennis with your sisters," Nell tells me. "We can bump it earlier." "Nope." "Why?" "I booked that shoot, I told you last night." "Were my eyes closed?" "Yes." "Then you didn't tell me." "You said, yes angel when I asked you if that was okay" "See when my eyes are closed I agree to anything." She rolled her eyes at me and I pecked her cheek and then pulled away quickly. She looked at me, she was going to be annoyed. "We could just play one game of tennis? That way we'll have time to come home shower change. I can pick you up and we'll come here and Scar can drive." "Why me?" "You wanted the double date you don't get to drink," Nell told her. "Colin will drive." "As long as I get wine I'm good." She says before looking over at me. She pecked my forehead. "You okay bug?" "I kissed you." "You did, it was sweet." "You're not annoyed." She shakes her head and smiled faintly. I chewed my lip.
"So 7?" "Sounds good," Nell confirmed for us both. "I'll book the table." "Thanks." We continued to talk about random things and I was getting more anxious the longer we were out of the house. "Think we're going to head back now. But we'll see you Sunday." Nell said standing up and pulling me up after. I didn't even say that I wanted to go. "Yes, you will." She hugged Scar and went to get our jackets and shoes.
"You feeling okay?" Scar asked me, I nodded and fidgeted with my hands. "She's good with you." "I know, she just gets it." "I'm glad you found someone who just gets it." "Me too." "You're jacket, Princess." "Aren't you an angel?" Scarlett teased her. "Right from heaven." She said with a smugged sarcastic smile.
When we got out onto the street my heartbeat picked up. "Bug?" "I'm fine." "You're not and that's okay. How can I help?" "I just want it to stop. I shouldn't even be anxious about anything. Nothing is happening." I say, getting frustrated at the fact I couldn't calm down. "Cab?" I nodded she held my wrist and hailed a cab opening the door for me and letting me in first. She gave the address over and he began driving. She laid her hand on my lap and I laced my fingers with hers. "I'm taking you to MK's that okay?" I nodded. She was working later so it made sense for me to go here.
She pulled out a bottle of water from her purse and handed it to me after unscrewing the cap slightly. "Thanks." She just smiled softly at me. "You're safe, you're okay, I'm here." She whispered to me and I took a few deep breaths to try and help regulate my body. When we got to MK's I still didn't feel right.
"Mary-Kate!" Nell called leaving me in the hall to look for my sister. I slipped off my coat and shoes and went into the lounge, Nell came in. "She's not here." She tells me. "You want to talk?" "I don't know what happened," I say with a small shrug. "I think I do." I tilted my head slightly wanting her to explain. "You started to get anxious when we told Scarlett that we were telling people." I did? "I think you're worried about people knowing. If you're not ready Liz that's fine we can wait there's no rush. So far no one knows who didn't already know." "I'm ready." "It's okay if you're not though. I understand it's a big deal." I chewed my lip, I'm hurting her by messing her around like this. She's going to leave and it'll be my fault. "Bug?" "I want people to know." "Well, how about we tell one person and see how you feel." I nodded. "We don't have to tell everyone at once, then it's less scary." "Yeah." I nodded preferring that Idea. "Who do you want to know?" "Not my parents." "We're going to talk about that later." "No." "Lizzie there's clearly a reason why you don't want them to know and you need to talk about it before you make it into a big problem and you feel alone and overwhelmed." I nodded knowing she was right. "Robert? Or Florence. Or Jr." "My Jr?" I nodded. "We could do him." "Yeah? You want to." "He won't care, he'll react the least out of the people you listed and he's going to call tomorrow to make Christmas plans." "Christmas plans?" She'll be in LA and I'll be here. "Yeah." "You're going home what do you need to plan." "Not going home." "What?"
Part of me was happy but she is already missing thanksgiving with her family again because of work she's in England. And now she's missing Christmas. "Another conversation for a different day, Princess." "No, it's a convocation for right now." "Don't push." "Nell it's Christmas." "I'm aware." "You can't work Christmas day so you're going to be miserable and alone." "Actually I am working... Do you remember the family I did thanksgiving photos for last year?" I nodded. "They loved my charm so much they want me to document Christmas this year." "So you're staying for work. It's Christmas don't be a scrooge." "So we'll tell Jr tomorrow. I'll make sure to be where ever you are when he calls. Is it Ashley's night or MK's?" She asked me. "Yours." "Sure invite yourself over why don't you." "I will." She pecked my lips.
"Feeling better?" "A little." "Do you want me to make you a tea?" "Please." "I'll be back." She left me to go make my tea and she came right back with it. "Thank you." "Anything for you." "Can we talk about Christmas then?" She sighed. I was pushing and I was going to annoy her. "Anthony didn't complete the programme he's staying with mum I'm staying away." "Why didn't you tell me?" She does this all the time. She ran a hand through her hair and sighed like it was a chore for her to talk about this with me. "Lizzie, please." "You do this all the time. How do you expect us to work if you don't tell me anything!" "I tell you a lot," I tell you everything. You know everything about me you don't even need me to tell you things anymore you just know." "That's impossible." "I was getting anxious at Scarletts you knew when I was getting anxious. You knew I needed to go home. I didn't say anything." "You get anxious, I know the signs. If I didn't you'd have an attack and I don't want you to go through that so I took a mental note of the signs my bad I'll be a worse partner for you next time." "I didn't say it was a bad thing. I just mean I can't do that with you because you don't tell me what you're thinking or feeling so I don't know the signs. I don't even know how to comfort you when you do finally show me some sort of emotion." "I have work." She stands up. I pushed her. I pushed her and now she's leaving.
"I didn't tell you because I didn't know. I found out today whilst we were at Scar's." She says sitting back down. "I would have told you I just wanted to make sure you were okay before we got into it." "How many days did he get through?" "4." "4?" "He's been staying at mums and they didn't tell me because mum was worried I'd come and take Cassie away." "You wouldn't just take her." "I would." She says bluntly. "She deserves to feel safe when she sleeps. If she's not safe then something needs to change." "Is he sober?" "Jr says he is but I've not had a call with Tony. Cassie is always on the beach when she calls so they've been hiding it from me and I've been clueless this whole time." "Maybe you were clueless because they were nothing bad to know." "He hit her." I nodded. "I got you a stranger out of that environment. I should be able to do the same for my sister. My little sister." 'Maybe it was a one-time thing." "I don't care if it was a thought in his head. He hurt her. And that's not okay, not by my standards. And mums forgave him like he tickled her until she peed a little." "I know you're upset but it's clearly working for them." "I hope it continues to work for them." "You have to go home for Christmas, Angel." "I'm working now so it doesn't even matter." "You could have come to Christmas with my family." "We're not exactly there yet, Princess." I knew we weren't but I couldn't stand the thought of her alone on Christmas. "Well can I at least see you on Christmas eve?" "I'm working. But I'm sure we can meet up after." I nodded understanding.
"I actually have to get to work. Are you okay to be alone?" "If I wasn't?" "I'd cancel work and run you a bubble bath and wrap you in warm blankets." "I'm okay." "You sure?" "Yeah, it was just a wobble." "Okay, Princess. Call me if you need anything okay. I'll always answer." "You'll be working," I called to her she came back in and pecked my forehead. "I don't care you're more important." She mumbled against my lips before kissing me softly. "Want me to come here after? Or facetime later?" "If you're tired go home." She nodded. "See you later, my love," I tell her as she walks away from me.
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"You should have facetimed." "I wanted to make sure you were okay." "You look like shit." "Gee, thank you. Did you hear that Mary-Kate, your sister the woman who I am currently dating just said I look like shit? I'm so glad she finds me attractive." She says sarcastically before taking my hair out of the bun and stealing the hair tie, using it to put her hair up. "Rude." "You just told me I look awful I can take the hair tie." She told me. "I just meant you looked tired." "I am, it's 11 p.m. and we went to a spin class at 5 this morning, Elizabeth it's been a long day." "Then you should have gone home," I argued back both of us just teasing each other.
"Goodnight, Mary-Kate," Nell says going up to my room. "You should have gone home." "I had a feeling." She said. "A feeling?" "You wasn't okay, so I messaged MK and she said you had a panic attack. I wasn't going to leave you until tomorrow to check in." "I told her not to tell you." "Too bad." "I feel better." "Good, I'm glad." She went into my case and pulled out sweats and shorts tossing them over her shoulder they landed on the bed. And two tops. We both change and we then went into the bathroom.
"What was it about?" She asked as she took her make-up off. "I don't know it was just sudden. I was just watching TV." "You could have called me." "I didn't want to put on you." "Always lean on me." She changed my words to make me feel like I wasn't a burden, she's so thoughtful. "I'm here for you. You're a priority." "There was nothing you could do." "I could have come here to take care of you." "You've taken care of me all day." She didn't say anything and continued to finish her routine. She sat on the toilet seat whilst I finished up.
"We need to book that spa weekend in." I remind her. "Do you have a date you're not working?" "Um, I don't actually. Not until after New Year." "Do you have plans for NYE?" I asked. "Working. Party at the Westbrooke." "What could they possibly want?" "Shots of a busy nightclub for their social media." "And they need a crazy talented photographer to do that?" "I take all sorts of pictures." "Can't you just pick one?" "I have but I still need work, Lizzie." "Fashion?" "You know I like the fashion shoots." "Perfect, tell my sisters." "No, I'm not working for your sisters." "Why?" "MK will think it's a game and Ash will get mad at her. She's like a puppy." "True," I say nodding agreeing with her. MK and Nell together is chaos they have heaps of fun but nothing gets done. I called them in the morning and they told me they planned to paint the basement. I called them in the evening they had done half of a wall and painted smiley faces on the others and it's been like that since May.
"Finished?" She asked when I put my moisturiser away. "Yes." She's used to my long routine and always observes me whilst I do it. Sometimes she complained about how many steps there were to it but now she mostly sat quietly. We go into the bedroom and climb into bed she moved the pillow into her side and I waited for her to get comfy before settling in beside her. "How many shoots do you have tomorrow?" "3. Why?" "Gaging how clingy I need to be in the morning if I'm not getting cuddles and kisses for the rest of the day." "3 all in the afternoon an hour each with 30 minutes between each session." "Yay! 4 hours." I do the math quickly. "Aww, you're finally doing math at a 3rd-grade level congratulations! I'll call the media." "You suck." I pouted and rolled over but she pulled my waist back and I rolled onto my front laid on top of her slightly. Her hand rested on my back so I stayed there laying my head on her chest, not on the pillow. My hand lay just at the hem of her top. I look up at her and her eyes were closed but I knew she was still awake due to the patterns she had started drawing on my back. I slowly slid my hand under her top and watched for her reaction, she got funny about physical contact sometimes I wanted to find her boundaries with me. Before she used to tense up when I touched the skin on her tummy but right now she's just laying there peacefully drawing patterns on top of my top. My hand was now fully covered by her t-shirt and she hadn't said anything or moved. I settle on a place to lay my hand and rest it still for a few moments, I laid my head back down in a comfy position before moving my thumb across her warm soft skin. Her movements paused for a moment before continuing. "This okay?" "Mhmm." "You sure?" I asked looking up at her she opened her eyes. "It's okay." I smiled at her stretching my neck to kiss her she met me halfway. "Goodnight Angel," I mumbled against her lips. "Goodnight Princess." We traced patterns on each other, hers slowed down to a stop and I knew she was asleep, I kept doing this finding it soothing and also liking the thought of how much she's opened up to me and how much she's let me in. A few weeks ago she would have asked me to stop or held my hand to move it away in a subtle way but I always knew why because of how tense she'd be.
I took a while to fall asleep, I was fighting with myself to stay awake because I wanted to enjoy this moment for longer. Knowing I was heading to LA after thanksgiving until Christmas meant I wouldn't see her and I hated that so this wouldn't happen for a while. I wasn't even staying for Scarlett's birthday celebrations the weekend after her birthday. She has to work on her actual birthday so she delayed the celebrations and I'm in LA for work so I'll be missing it. Nell said she wasn't going without me and Scarlett told her to get a grip. They bickered for a while and Nell won for now at least. Scarlett typically gets what Scarlett wants.
I wish my work was here that way I could stay with her all the time and we could actually build our relationship faster and we can be stronger together. I could be comfortable with her. I knew she wasn't Robbie but when I touched her or kissed her I couldn't help but remember the scolding and the arguments that followed that. I was comfortable enough to seek comfort from her, that's one step and I would ask for Kisses. I wanted to be touching her all the time but I know she doesn't like it and she'll get annoyed and sick of me and I'd ruin things so I tried not to and in public we couldn't do that anyway but that's when I wanted her the most to hold my hand and to keep me close. I just wished I had a normal life sometimes and then I could have a normal relationship and not be worried about if people are taking pictures of me holding someone's hand.
"Bug?" Nell's voice was scratchy, I looked up. "Why are you still awake? it's 4 am." It is? I was thinking for that long. "Thinking." "Want to talk it out?" I shake my head her hand moves to my hair and runs through it gently somehow missing all the tangles I knew were there. "You need anything?" "Just you here." "Okay." I felt her lips peck the crown of my head. Her hands left my body and I pouted but then I felt them around me before she moved me more onto her body and further up my head now laying in the crook of her neck on a pillow, my body completely on top of hers, her slender arms wrapped around my body one of her hands running up and down my spine. "Do you need some tea?" "I'm good." "Okay." I pecked her neck and pushed my face into it to be closer to her my hand cupping her neck on the other side. "Sleep, princess." "I'm trying," I mumbled back now feeling sleepy, her movements lulling me to sleep as I felt safe in her arms my worries faded away.
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"Nell?" "hmm?" "MK asked if you wanted salmon for lunch." "Sure." She forced a smile. Something was off with her today. Maybe I kept her up last night. "I'll start lunch." MK excused herself. Normally I'd go hover around the kitchen and give her pointers before she gets annoyed and lets me take over but I wanted to check in with Nell. She has been withdrawn and not herself at all.
"Everything okay, Angel?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "You're a little off today." "Forgot to put my meds in my bag. I'm fine though. Just a shock to the system." She says still forcing a smile. "Don't worry, I'm fine. I can miss one dose." "No, go get them." "Lizzie, I'm not travelling 30 minutes for a few tablets." "They're important." She just gave me a look, I knew from that moment she wouldn't go get them. "Fine I'll go, where are the house keys?" "No." "You have to take them, they're prescribed for a reason." "Lizzie, you're being loud." She tells me firmly. "Sorry." I forgot we're not on our own completely and MK didn't know. "I'm okay without them today. I'll stay home tonight take them when I get in and it'll be okay." "Promise." "Liz." She warns. "I'm staying at yours tonight." She closed her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair. "Sure. I'm going to go take a minute, I'll be back." She leant towards me and pecked my lips. "I'm okay."
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I had her meds and water waiting on the coffee table. I was making sure she'd take them. She can't miss them she's been so withdrawn today and I didn't like seeing her like that. She was fiddling with her rings, showing me she was anxious and it made me sad that it could all be fixed with her meds and I was the reason she didn't have that.
She walked in through the door. "Hey." "Gotta pee." She rushed off to the bathroom dumping her camera equipment in the doorway leaving her door open too as she rushed off. "Nell." I scold as I stand up to move her things and close the door. I locked it and moved her things to the closet by the front door and sat back on the sofa and waited for her. She came back and was confused by the lack of stuff on the floor. "I put it away. Now sit." I pat the cushion in front of the water bottle and pills. She sat and looked highly unimpressed with me. "I'm not a child." She stated. "I know." "You didn't have to stay here to make sure I took them." "I know," I say innocently. "I take them every day without supervision." "You take good care of me I just wanted to return the favour." She swiped the pills off the coffee table and swallowed them in one go without the water. "Want to check my mouth?" "Nell, don't be like that." "This is why I don't tell people." She stood up picked the water bottle up and went to the kitchen. "Because I wanted to help." "No, because you're worrying and you're babying me. I've dealt with this for 4 years... I got it down. I miss days sometimes it happens." "I worry because I care about your wellbeing." "I know." "Can you stop being mad at me? I just wanted you to feel a little better." I admit to her. "I know." I wanted to cry but this was about her. "I'm sorry." She says finally facing me. "Not your fault," I mumbled.
She walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me. "It was really sweet of you to get it all ready for me." "I just wanted to make you feel better." "I appreciate it." She kissed the crown of my head a few times before resting her cheek on top of it. "Did you take them out of the case or the bottle?" "Case, for today." "Thank you." I pecked her neck.
"Dinner?" "Pasta," I say. "Pesto? Tomato?" "Pesto." She nodded and we stayed in an embrace for a little longer. "I'm sorry, Princess." "I get it." "I'm just used to doing things alone." "I wish you weren't." "Me too." She mumbled. I squeezed her tightly. "Jr is calling tonight." She nodded as we pulled apart. She began to cook. "We could cancel the call, just chill." I knew her meds wouldn't take effect immediately she probably won't feel better until tomorrow. "I'll be fine." She assured me.
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"So you're actually dating?" Jr asked almost in shock. "Yeah, when I tell you. Hey, I'm dating Lizzie. It means I'm dating Lizzie." She says to her brother who is seemingly having trouble processing the information. "You got her to date you? How?" He asked. "Well, I'm just that fucking sexy." She says in a matter of fact tone making both me and her brother laugh. "Hey, you're not meant to laugh." She says pouting at me. I kissed her pout away. "You're incredibly sexy," I whispered to her. "Seriously though how did you manage it? brainwashed her? kidnapped her? Convinced her you're rolling in it?" "I'm hanging up now." She announced. "No, no, no. Sorry. I'll stop." They spoke about Christmas Jr tried to convince her to come but she was pretty stuck on working.
"Nelly?" "Yeah." "Congrats." "We're not getting married Jr." "No you're just sleeping with the hottest women in the celeb world." "Just because her face isn't on the screen doesn't mean she can't hear you." "Bye." He hung up pretty quick after that.
"He said we're sleeping with each other." "Would you like to ring him back and give him a rundown of the bases we've hit with each other?" "No." "Then leave him in his dream world." I nodded and chewed my lip. Sleeping together... I forgot about that part. I barely get through the kissing part without overthinking my abilities. Like maybe I'm the worst kisser she's kissed. And I've kissed people before. I sometimes get paid to kiss people. Sleeping with her is something I've never done before, not with a girl anyway and it's a whole different ballpark. What if I'm awful at it. "I can call him and clarify we're just dating, not sleeping together." "It's not that." "So what?" She asked giving me her full attention.
"What if I'm not ready for all that?" "I told you we're going at our pace. Not everyone else's expectations." "But what if I'm not good. I've never..." "You don't have to worry about that." "I kind of do. You've slept with my best friend... In this house. You'll be comparing her hot sex to my plain vanilla inexperience awkward sex." "You're cute." "Nell I'm serious." "I'll get a new apartment. Burn this one to the ground." "I'm serious. What if I have no clue what I'm doing and I just... What if Scarlett is better? What if I'm so bad it turns you straight." "Good luck with that one." She laughed. "Eleanor." "Okay, okay. I'll participate." Meaning she'll play the what-if game. Which isn't really a game. "What if I have no clue what I'm doing." "I don't care." "But it has to feel good." "I'm sure whatever you do will feel good and we're not there yet so it's not a worry you need to be entertaining right now." "But you slept with Scarlett. We're in a relationship and we haven't done more than kiss." "You want to know why?" I nodded. "Because I care about you and your feelings and your wellbeing and I respect you so much, Lizzie. With Scarlett, there were no feelings attached to it, none. It'll be special with you." "It'll be like the awkward first time at prom." "Still special because it's going to mean something. I don't want to fuck you. I fucked Scarlett I don't want to fuck you I want it to be, you know special I want to make love with you." I blushed heavily I could have heated this whole apartment up. "I don't care about your experience, I didn't ask for a resume when I started dating you. I know I'm the first girl you've been with, my first time with a girl was scary too. I didn't know what I was doing but you figure it out you know. When it's with the right person it's just natural."
"What if." "You're going to be perfect." She finishes kissing me. "Nell I can't." "Not asking you to." "What if I'm never ready for it?" "Well, will you still eventually be my girlfriend?" I nodded. "Then I'm fine with never having sex again." "Bold statement." I point out. "Sex isn't the be-all and end-all. Relationships are based on so much more than that." "I know but." "We're going at our own pace. We could get married and not have had sex yet and I'd be fine with that." "You would?" "No pressure." She was just soothing me, of course, we'd eventually have sex but she was making it seem like no big deal to help me cope with the unknown. To make me stop worrying, to take the pressure away from it. I appreciated her for doing that.
"Scarlett has done more with you than I have." "Mention Scarlett again and I'm going to remove her from our lives." "You can't! I work with her. And she's my best friend. And your friend." "So let's keep it that way." "But it's true." "Scarlett hasn't slept in my bed, Scarlett hasn't cuddled up with me when I sleep. She's not sneakily put her hand up my shirt when I was trying to sleep." "You made it sound dirty." She smirked and winked. "I've not even touched your boob." "Probably because there's nothing to touch. Literally a 12-year-old boy up here." She's always joking around. She took my hand and slipped it up her hoodie and placed it on her boob. I was shocked at her actions at first then remembered who it was. Nell just didn't care. She was so carefree. "There you touched my flat chest. Happy now?" I nodded leaving my hand there, I squeezed her boob slightly. "Naughty." "You put it there." "You were complaining." I twisted her nipple between my thumb and finger and looked at her innocently.
She bit her lip. I kept playing with her nipple watching her reactions as I moved to sit on her lap. I kissed her neck and along her jaw before meeting her lips. Her breath hitched slightly. "Lizzie stop." "Don't wanna," I say reconnecting our lips again. She eventually took control and removed my hand placing it on her neck and continuing to kiss me. "Not so innocent after all." She whispered.
She carried me to bed when I refused to get off of her and laid me down before laying on top of me. I chuckled normally it was the other way around, I was always the little spoon, her limps wrapped around me easily. She rolled over and I pouted at the lack of contact. But then I decided I would lay on her. I could do that. She wouldn't care. I sat up and just observed her. She had the pillow where she always put it, her eyes were on her phone not paying me attention. Eventually, she looked my way. "Don't ask me," I tell her she just smiled understanding. "Okay, Princess." She twisted slightly to put her phone on charge and turn the lamp off before laying back on her back. "Goodnight, Bug." She mumbled closing her eyes.
I slowly laid down and her arms wrapped around me the second I made contact. "Goodnight, Angel." My hand found its way back up her hoodie but I rested it on her tummy. "Get some sleep tonight." "I'll try."