When we fight the truth it catches us off guard. In turn we self destruct, but once we face our demons things will get better.
Waking up in Noah's arms the next morning was exactly what I needed. Feeling the warmth from his body the second I opened my eyes healed me. Although my eyes were sore, I felt peaceful. The events that unfolded yesterday had been upsetting to say the least. But nothing could make me feel bad that morning.
Noah's arms tightened instinctively around my waist as I moved slightly. His sleeping face was so peaceful that I couldn't help, but lie there and watch him. I understood in those moments why he was able to watch me in the hospital. There was almost nothing better than seeing your love asleep.
He's beautiful and perfect and mine. All mine!
"There's a weirdo watching me sleep. I think I should be worried.", He said through a yawn.
I slapped him and he chuckled. Kissing me as he rolled over and landed on top of me. Our tongues explored and tangled as we lay there kissing. My body reacted to our kiss, I was would into a tight knot a few minutes later. I wanted more, my body demanded it.
"Are you feeling better this morning? I was worried about you, I'm so sorry Jesse." His voice was soft, and I could hear the sadness in it. Gathering myself, I looked into those beautiful brown eyes. The ones that had captivated me as a four year old little boy. I smiled sadly.
"She never wanted to be my friend. That hurts more than anything. I don't have a lot of friends, and I really thought she could be one. Guess that's what I get for being so stupid.", I replied sadly and sighed.
Noah shifted on the bed and took my face in his hands. "Don't you dare say that. You are not stupid. You are a beautiful, kind, care and intelligent person. Alexis took you for a ride and made a fool of you, but that is not your fault. She is a cold heartless bitch."
"Yeah, I guess." Something still felt wrong. But there was nothing to say there was something wrong. It was strange.
"Don't guess. It's the truth. Now come on. We have to get something to eat. Love you baby." He whispered the last part against my lips before jumping off the bed.
When we walked into the kitchen Lexi's parents were there. Her mom looked at me when we walked in. Her face was tear stained and Lexi's father looked no better. Noah scowled at them and I pinched him. He kissed my cheek and whispered that he was sorry.
"Jesse, do you mind if we talk to you for a minute?" Lexi's father, Aidan asked.
"I don't mind. Is everything okay?"
Lexi's mom, Judy, walked over and hugged me. I stood there frozen for a minute, but then I returned the hug. Mom walked over and guided her to a chair. I sat beside her and looked at the two of them.
"We're worried about Lexi." Aidan finally said. "For the past few months, years even, we've noticed a change in her. She's moody one minute and bouncing around the next. She goes through so many phases, and her choices are not the greatest. Like trying to kiss you yesterday. She's just so ... impulsive."
Judy looked at me and continued on from her husband. "We have tried to get her to see a doctor, but she's in denial. No matter what we say to her she'll just say shes fine and that's it. Have you noticed anything?"
Oh my God. That's what's been going on with her. How could I have missed it? Some friend I am. She must be so scared.
"I've worried about her too. I noticed how she changes too. But especially when she talked about what happened..." I was cut off by Aidan. "We know what happened there. But, what do you suspect? If you noticed after a few weeks it must be something bad."
I sighed and continued. "I think maybe ... And, that's only a maybe. But Lexi might have bipolar. It fits everything. But at the same time, I'm not a doctor." I could see how much that hurt them. "I'm not saying it is that. Just that it sounds like it to me."
The room fell silent. Everyone was waiting for someone to break the silence. I felt sick waiting for someone to ease up on the tension. Noah looked at me, his face grim. At the same time, he looked pissed off.
"Could you talk to her Jesse?" Aiden finally asked. "You might be the only one she will listen to." Noah glared at him and shouted. "No fucking way. He is not going to talk to that fucking bitch. She crushed him yesterday." He got up and left the room.
I looked around. Aiden and Judy looked grief stricken. "Give me a minute to talk to him.", I said and left the room. I walked through the house searching for Noah. Finally, I found him in the library. He was sitting down with his head in his hands. He looked up when I entered.
"You know I love you, love. But I also care about Lexi. I need to do this. If she's sick she will need help. Maybe I can help her in some way." I told him. He stood up and wrapped me in his strong arms, I breathed in his scent.
"I know." He finally whispered in my ear. "It's part of the reason I love you so much. But I'm worried baby. You are so fragile, and it kills me to think of having a repeat of yesterday."
"I love you so much baby. You're my angel." He said to me lovingly.
"I love you too. You are the only person I will ever love this much."
I kissed him. It was reassuring and loving and had just the right amount of passion. When we pulled back I said. "I know I'm fragile. I always will be. I need you to trust me though. It's your trust and support I reply on the most."
"Go help her. I'll be waiting for you." He kissed and hugged me again. It felt so very reassuring. I knew deep down that he was telling the truth and it felt amazing.
I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, and I don't know what I ever did to deserve him. He is the best person I have ever met.
Aiden and Judy dropped me off at the house. They waited outside, while I went inside and up to her bedroom. The house felt so cold. I knew something was going on. I just didn't know what. Once I made it inside her bedroom I saw her.
She was sitting on the bed staring at her own hand. I stopped, shocked at the sight. She looked like a girl possessed. She didn't look up once. Not once, and it frightened me. Slowly I walked over to her and knelt.
"Lexi." I whispered.
I reached over and shook her. "Come on Lexi, look at me."
"Look at me Lexi."
Eventually, she looked up at me. Her eyes were red from tears. She was shaking and looked deathly pale. I grabbed her shoulders. Pausing a moment. I did the only thing I could think of. I shook her.
"Come on Lexi. Snap out of it." My voice sounded loud even to my own ears.
"Jesse?" Her voice was weak. I could hear how scared she was. It was something unusual for her. She looked down at her hand again and back up at me. I shook her gently again, trying my hardest to get her to talk.
I said nothing and waited. "What are you doing here. Get out!" She sounded angry, frustrated and scared again. I did not move and looked at her again. Nothing prepared me for what came next. She shoved me off her.
I flew back and landed on my back halfway to the door. She jumped off the bed and tried to kiss me again. "Stop Lexi!" I screamed and tried to push her off me. "STOP!"
She stopped and lingered over me. I pushed her back and realised that I was in so much pain. Everything became difficult and I just lay there. Lexi went quiet. But she left me alone, so that was good.
"Oh my God! Jesse, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" She sounded worried, and back to her old self. I sighed in relief.
"I'm sore, fine, but sore." I looked up at her. "Lexi you could have really hurt me. You know I don't like you like that. Don't you?" I asked.
She nodded her head. "Do you like me in a romantic way, Lexi?" She shook her head and I said. "Tell me the truth Lexi. Do you have a crush on me?" I prayed she would relent. "I have had a crush on you for a while. But I don't know why I've been acting like this."
She started fidgeting with her clothes and I looked at her, raised an eyebrows and waited. "Okay, so I've felt weird lately. But I'm fine."
God damn in. Why can't she admit that she has a problem? How am I going to get through to her if she's in denial?
There's only one thing I can do. It won't be easy either.
"You mean like I was okay?" I asked her harshly. "I know what it's like Lexi. I'm well-aware of how it feels to feel like you're a freak. Trust me. I get it, more than you will ever know." I continued. "So just say it. Say you need help."
"We both know you need help, it's obvious. So just say it. Say it and I will help you. You know I'll help you." I said firmly.
We waited for what felt like hours. My chest ached in the meantime. Everything felt tense, it was confusing. I normally got a read on people. But I couldn't tell what she was going to do. She was giving nothing away, and that worried me.
In my head I was having a conversation with myself. It was the only thing I could do to stop myself from saying something that I would later regret.
Come on Lexi. Come on. Decide. Reach out, I'm here. If she doesn't I'm screwed. I will be completely and utterly fucked.
Lexi was staring at me. Suddenly, she got up and walked over to the window. A sad smile crossed her face. "You'll never see me as more than a friend. Noah hates me. I can't blame him though, I hurt you. I can see it in your face. All you've done is be nice to me, nicer than anyone has ever been to me."
She started crying. Tears poured down her face, she looked at me sadly. "I never had a true friend before. I managed to ruin the one true one I had, you."
"You haven't lost me Lexi. But I won't be your friend if you don't get help. I can't be your friend." Something felt so final about that. Not that I wanted to lose her as a friend, but I couldn't cope with her if she wasn't going to reach out for help. I had my own sanity to think about.
Waiting for her to answer I felt like a right bastard. Lexi was struggling, I knew that. But there was no way I was going to end up back in that dark place. We waited and after some time I wondered if she would say anything.
If it's that hard for her, I don't think she'll say yes. No way should it be that hard for her. It wasn't even that hard for me. When I knew, I knew.
"Would you really stick around? Even if Noah doesn't want you to?" Her question was whispered, but I heard it loud and clear.
I walked over to her. "Noah will support me. He loves me, plain and simple. I don't doubt that he loves me, and he will not stop me. It's up to you now." I looked at her to get my point across. She could not use him as an excuse. She needed to get her life back in track.
That felt amazing. Saying it out loud to someone else. I really like saying it. I have to remember to say it more.
She grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. I winced in pain and she jumped back, releasing my hand and breaking down. I grabbed her and we sunk to our knees. She was hysterical. Nothing would have stopped her, so I knelt there and allowed her to cry it out. Every few minutes I would think she had calmed down and she would cry even harder.
While I held her I contemplated my next move. Everything that was happening was serious. I knew this, Lexi's parents knew this and deep down Lexi knew it too. No matter how hard she denied it, she knew it.
"She has to face the truth. Deep down she has to understand that this is for the best." I whispered to myself. She didn't hear me though, she just cried. "You need to accept the truth. Please let this be the end."
It was then I finally went off into my own head. Times like those required me to think about the things I had gone through. It made everything easier at the end of the day. In the end that was what we needed to pull our strength from, the people we love and the hard times that we have been through.
Noah supported me those times I needed him to. Now I was supporting Lexi and somewhere I knew that no matter what happened he would always be there. I knew we would spend the rest of our lives together. Doubt had gone a few weeks ago, but now I was finally seeing the strength I had. I realised that I was good enough.
"Come on Lexi. You need to man up here, excuse the pun. I need you to be strong. Your parents need you to be strong. Everyone needs you to fight this." I whispered in her ear once she finished crying. Her face tear stained and her eyes were red raw.
"Help me Jesse. Please, help me." She sobbed again. "Please Jesse, I'm so sorry. I never meant any of the horrible things I did. I just couldn't stop." I held her tighter and convinced myself that everything would be all right. I knew deep down it had to be.
Things will get better. We all deserve to be happy, even me. Even though I didn't love my mother, I deserve to be happy. I never hurt anyone on purpose. I know now that I deserve to be happy. Things will get better.
Once Lexi calmed down I brought her down stairs. She fell asleep on the couch, and I let her parents know what had happened. They came inside and went into the kitchen, made some food and brought it out for me.
I watched Lexi while I ate. She tossed and turned several times. Sometimes I thought she would wake up, but she didn't. After a while Judy handed me a few photo albums with photos from the past three years.
I opened the book. It looked beautiful, while back, pink lace around the sides. The pity was inside wasn't as beautiful. Some of Lexi's photo's were bizarre. She looked wild in some of them, others I felt like I was looking in a mirror. She was so unhappy in a lot of photo's the fake smile I knew so well was present.
"Jesse? You're still here." Lexi whispered a few hours later. She looked tired, but calmer. Her eyes were wild though, that worried me.
"I'm still here. I'm not going to leave you. We're not finished the conversation Lexi. I need to hear you say the words. I don't mean that you just need help." I told her calmly. She looked up at me frightened, but there was something else there too. Something that worried me.
"If I told you the truth, you'd hate me. I know you would." She almost cried. Looking over at her I smiled and said as gently as I could. "Lexi, we both know I won't be mad. Look at you. Do you think I haven't figured out what's going? I know you need help. But you have to tell me why. You can do it Lexi. Now come on!"
"Please Jesse, stop." She rambled. "Just stop, I don't need help. I'm fine. Earlier I was just tired. I'm sorry I worried you, but I'm fine." She stood up and stretched out her arms. "See, fine."
I rolled my eyes and walked around the room. Slowly I paced back and forward. Looking at her and then turning away.
How do I get through to her? How do you get through to someone with bipolar? Why didn't I read more about it? Why can't this be easier?
"Like I was fine?" I asked her once I thought of a plan of attack. "Like I was okay when I lived with Andrea? Is that how 'fine' you are?" I was angry now, I knew that. I had never gotten that angry before.
"I can tell you Lexi. If you're fine like I was your headed for a lot of trouble. I was suicidal. But I had Noah. You don't have someone that knows you better than you know yourself. You don't have that, I did. You have two parents that love you." I shouted.
"Before I had mom and daddy I didn't have real parents. Do you know how lucky you are? Do you? I mean seriously, you have it all. You could have more if you just got your head out of your ass and asked someone for help."
I was too harsh. I was way too harsh. Shit! I need to apologise.
"Lexi. Shit Lexi, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh." I cursed again, hating the way I had spoken to her.
"Shut up for a minute. Just give me a second.", She said coldly. I could see her erratic behaviour. It was strange to watch her as she went through all the emotions in a matter of minutes. I knew then deep down it was more than depression. It could only be some sort of mental illness.
The silence killed me more than the waiting. Her parents moved to the doorway. Watching the events play out. We looked at each other, knowing that something had to happen. Hoping beyond hope that it wouldn't be a bad thing. That was all we had, hope.
"I started feeling strange when I was thirteen.", She said loudly, she wasn't speaking to anyone in particular. Just saying what she needed to say. "I just didn't feel okay. Sometimes I was so happy and had all this energy. It was cool at the time."
She started shaking. "Then sometimes I didn't want to get out of bed. It was like everyone around me was dead. Nothing felt right. I just cried for hours or days at a time, and then I'd be fine."
"Nothing feels right anymore. I've wanted to die. I even took pills once. There were a lot of them, but it did nothing. I got a headache after, but that was it." She shook and continued. "Everything feels out of control. I hate myself, look at me. I'm a mess."
Aiden and Judy looked lost standing there. I felt lost. No one could imagine how scary that was. I had moods, yeah. But nothing like that. Never that bad. I just felt depressed sometimes, worthless. But not all over the place.
"I started doing things, talking and flirting with guys that I didn't even like. Wanting to go out and have sex. I did with that guy after Alex. I just jumped right into bed with a stranger. I thought it was okay because Alex slept with a girl afterwards. But ... I ... I never figured that I'd told him what I did." She took a deep breath. I held my own.
"He said I told him that I wasn't interested afterwards. He slept with that girl because of what I said. I don't even remember saying it." She cried.
"I broke his heart and he slept with someone else because of it. I slept with someone else because of it." She whispered.
"A FUCKING STRANGER. I SLEPT WITH A FUCKING STRANGER!" She screeched.
Everything fell into place. She was starting to unravel. Just like she needed to. She had hit rock bottom and was going to get better. I knew at that moment that she was going to get better.
"I need help. I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. I don't know what's happening to me..." She broke down. Sobbing hysterically. Judy raced over to her rocking her back and forward. Soothing her. Reassuring her. Aiden called an ambulance. He asked for help. They were going to get it.
I waited with them. Helping Lexi and her parents with the difficult half hour before the ambulance came. It was so hard to watch her like that. Such a good person struggling the way she was. I recognised the pain. Though different, we both suffered pain.
When the paramedics arrived we were ushered out of the house. I didn't get to see what they were doing to her, but I knew it was going to help her. From the front I heard her screaming. Judy and Aiden looked distraught. They were crying and both looked to me for guidance. Unfortunately, I had nothing for them. I'd never had that happen to me.
After some time the paramedics stepped out of the house with Lexi strapped to a chair. She was quiet now, although she still looked scared. Her body was still though and she had stopped crying. Aiden lead me out and I tried to convince him that I would call Noah. But he insisted on driving me home.
Lexi looked so peaceful once they had gotten her into the ambulance. Her mom mouthed "thank you" before they closed the doors. The ambulance drove off, the sight of it turning the corner and heading for the hospital made me kind of sad. But I was also happy for her.
She's going to get the help she needs. She's going to get the help she needs. She's going to get the help she needs.
The thought circled around my head. I cried as I waited for Aiden in the car. I tried to convince myself everything was okay. But I knew that I needed Noah for that to happen. I needed his arms around me.
Once I got home I headed straight to mine and Noah's bedroom. Noah was waiting for me, he looked up when I entered the room. Tears were already threatening my eyes. When he saw them he held out his arms.
I went over and climbed into the bed. He dragged us down and laid my head on his chest. His arms went around my waist, and his lips pressed against the top of my head. He peppered my face with kisses and I cried.
We should lock ourselves off from the word. We wouldn't have to deal with people for a while. It would just be us.
He held me close all night. My tears for the pain of the day came hard and fast. The guilt of not helping sooner. But in Noah's arms I felt safe and that was all I could think when I fell asleep. His lips still kissing my face. Everything was perfect in my smaller world.