Angst 🖤
Pronouns: unspecified :)
TW: subtle mentions of suicide
Song: Saturn (Instrumental) by Sleeping At Last
Fight. Fight. Fight. It's all we ever do. I mean honestly how much more can I take? Is this all there is to life? I train, kill, fight, eat (when food is available), and sleep. It's an endless cycle. What's even the point?
I walk outside to the stables near my horse. I named him Helios because he's a beautiful tan color and in the sun he shines golden. I look up at him and pet his mane. He makes his usual snorting breathing sound. It always makes me laugh.
"You really can always cheer me up can't you Helios?"
I smile as I hold my hand on his face and rest my head against his. The dark feelings begin to overwhelm me again. Helios whinnies seemingly reacting to my change in mood.
"It's okay boy. Don't worry about me."
I give him one last stroke and walk away. I breathe in the cold air. The chill makes my bones ache, but at the same time it's refreshing. It's a sharp cold that helps me stay awake. The sun is setting. Must be about time to eat dinner. I walk into the dining area that's filled with scouts. I sit with my friends Levi and Hange. I sit down with a loud sigh attempting to release my negative energy. I look at my comrades.
"Hey everyone! How are you all doing?" I ask them in a cheery voice.
Levi holds a fork in his hands with a bent over posture showing he clearly is exhausted.
"Seen better, but been worse" he responds.
I nod in agreement as Hange grabs us by the shoulders.
"Oh come on! Today is a wonderful day. No day is perfect, but look around. We are all here together. That's something isn't it?" they say.
I smile a little at the comment and Hange's wonderful attitude. I sit up a little straighter.
"You know what? You're right" I answer grabbing Levi's hand. I look into his wintry eyes. I tell myself it's enough. I have friends. I have Levi. Isn't that enough?
I walk outside as night falls and the stars light up the sky. Everyone always talks about how beautiful the stars are. I love the stars of course, but I feel that some people forget the moon too often. It's just as lovely and makes me feel small. I don't mind the feeling of being small in such an expansive universe. It is scary, yet thrilling, and also in some odd way, quite comforting. I can't explain it really. I become lost in my thoughts. Nature makes me feel better. Really it does. But now I need to sleep. I go to my room. It's cold and dark. I share a room with another Captain named Olivia. She is very nice, but we don't talk all that much. However, I don't mind the silence. I lay there and then the memories flood my mind. I see my friends who have fallen. I see my mother who was trampled by people during a titan attack. My siblings...dying in my arms. I see myself back then considering joining them in death after the guilt became too much. I soon fall asleep at some point only to be awakened by nightmares of being eaten alive by a titan. I slide down it's constricting throat. The sting of the stomach acids. I sit up in a cold sweat. Okay. This is too much. I run out of my room wandering around in panic. I don't realize it, but I'm hyperventilating and shaking with each step. Once I realize my state I scold myself for being weak. Why can't I just be strong and deal with it? I find myself at Levi's door. I stand there and before I know it I'm knocking. I hear bed sheets move and then the door knob turn.
"Y/n? What's wrong?"
"I-I..."
I feel as if I have no control over my body. I run into his arms and he instinctively wraps himself around me. I feel tears start to fall down my face. Levi rubs his hands on my back and starts to run his fingers through my hair comfortingly. Eventually we end up sitting on his bed. He holds me in his arms and I lean into his chest. I feel so safe with him. I realize I have craved his touch. We sit there for awhile in silence.
"I'm sorry Levi."
"What do you have to be sorry for?"
"I don't want to burden you with my feelings or have you worried about me."
"You and your feelings are not a burden. Also I'm always going to worry about you even if you don't want me to."
Silence again.
"What if I just gave up?"
"You mean on fighting?"
"Well yeah I mean in general. What if I just didn't wake up everyday and I just did nothing?"
"Well...I wouldn't blame you for one. But, if we don't get up every day and face our problems, we can't learn and we can't grow into someone more beautiful than we already are."
"I didn't know you thought like that Levi...it's a good point. I just don't know how to keep going."
"Listen Y/n, I'm here for you always. And to keep going it's important to remember why. Find your why for fighting. Once you have your purpose it won't be so hard."
"And until then?"
He looks down at me caressing my cheek.
"Until then just don't give up. I know it's hard, but it will be worth it. Promise me you'll try. That's all I want."
He leans his forehead down to mine.
"I'll try Levi."
He lets out a small sigh. I lay there listening to his heartbeat. It calms me. I hold his hand and am unaware that I begin to trace lines on it with my fingers. It seems to calm him as well.
"Thank you."
"Thanks for talking to me. I won't let myself lose you. So please whenever you need me, just come to me okay?"
"I will. And same goes for you. I know you put off this hard exterior of a cold attitude, but I also know the real you. I can't lose you either. I love you so much Levi."
"I love you too Y/n." We both smile even though we both also feel bleak at the moment.
He readjusts himself as do I. We lay down pulling the covers over us. We face each other holding one another in our arms. He lays his head on my chest and my head is above his own. I don't ever want to let him go. I wish we could stay here forever.