I can't fall asleep.
But my mind is also racing at a million miles an hour after everything that's happened today, incapable of processing it all as I feel like this is the first moment I have to actually breathe.
I tried to shower, hoping that would relax me a bit but in reality, it did nothing as I went into bed and only felt more awake. I laid staring at the ceiling, replaying all the events from today starting with my incredible high and ending with my brother walking in moments later.
Picking up once more as I recalled everything Luke expressed to him about how he feels about me and how these were things he never told me. Not that I blame him, I just was thrown off to hear it in the situation we were in as I never knew he felt such a way.
And it comforts me in knowing that I'm not alone.
I think a big part of the reason why I can't sleep is that I'm eager for Luke to get back. I want to hear him repeat his words and continue to reassure me that they were genuine and not just what he thought my brother wanted to hear. I want to talk to him and see if we're truly on the same page with everything as I always feared I was one step ahead of him.
So when I hear my door start to slowly creak open, I can't help but turn around instantly in excitement, knowing exactly who it is as he's the exact reason I can't sleep right now as all I can think about is him
As my eyes catch sight of him, he looks to me simultaneously, looking guilty for disrupting what he probably thought was sleep. Either way, I attempt to put his mind at ease as I smile in his direction, my eyes no doubt lighting up.
"You're back," I say cheerfully.
"And I hope I didn't wake you up," he says without hesitation.
Shaking my head, I keep my cheek cuddled to my pillow as I say, "I've been up, can't really sleep."
Luke furrows his eyebrows as if discomforted by this information. I don't say anything further, hoping he'll just join me in bed and we can talk all about it then. After all, I do feel like we have a lot to talk about.
"How come?" he asks, removing his shoes from his feet as he hunches over slightly.
I shrug my shoulders, "I just wanted to talk."
Luke nods his head, seeming to understand completely as I'm sure it doesn't take a genius to understand why I want to talk. A lot happened tonight between the two of us and it certainly warrants a conversation. I don't believe it will be a hard conversation in any means, more so, one that will bring us on the same page as we can open up to one another with just the company of each other. We obviously said a lot in front of Declan but I want to know what he has to say just to me.
"You okay?" he asks, moving to the buckle on his pants next as he keeps a watchful eye on me, seeming to prepare himself for coming into the bed beside me.
"Yeah," I say without hesitation. "I just think a lot happened tonight, probably best we talk about it."
He tugs down his pants, eager to kick them off as I try not to be distracted by the sight of him undressing in front of me. I need to focus on the conversation we're about to have, not the sight of the beautiful six-foot-three man.
"Talk to me, I'm all ears," he says casually, tossing his pants to the side before grabbing the fabric of the bottom of his shirt, ready to rid himself of that as well.
I sigh, the ball being in my court as I don't know whether to feel uncomfortable or not. I don't want to throw my feelings on him but he did just openly talk about his and I'd like to believe he meant them.
"I don't know," I say, tugging the blanket up to my chin as Luke's free from his shirt as well and starts walking towards the bed. "I just think we said a lot to Declan that we never really talked about before. I wanted to see if your words were sincere or not, I guess."
This earns an immediate laugh from Luke as he approaches the bed, tugging back the covers as he says, "Of course, they were sincere, Lila. Are you crazy?"
"Well, I don't know," I quickly insist. "We've never really said these things to one another and I didn't know if you felt that was something you needed to say to Declan in order to get him to feel better about the idea of us."
Luke shakes his head, still chuckling softly as he climbs into the bed beside me, allowing the blankets to quickly consume him as he lays on his side, turning his body to face me. I mirror his movements, turning on my side as well, and give him my full attention as I wait for him to speak up.
"Lila, I wouldn't say those kinds of things if I didn't mean them."
I know Luke to be a genuine person so I do feel guilty questioning the sincerity behind his words but I also don't want to get too ahead of myself and get my hopes up. There's no question that I have strong feelings for Luke and I just wanted some form of confirmation that this was a mutual thing. Even if he spewed that all out earlier, I need to hear it again from him, with just the two of us in the room.
"I believe you," I say softly, looking down for a moment. "I just- I don't know. I didn't want to get in over my head."
His eyes watch me carefully, listening to every word I have to say as I have no doubt that he plans on shutting down any sense of doubt I have at this moment. In fact, I'm almost certain that he's probably concerned to hear these words from me as he's proven time and time again that I really don't have a reason to have concerns when it comes to him.
"That's impossible, Lila," he says, his voice stern and serious, as if insistent on making sure I hear him clearly. "I'm so crazy about you... I don't want you to ever feel any uncertainty in that."
"I know but these circumstances we're under, it makes it hard for me to feel like we're anything more than we are. We haven't really established anything or talked about what could happen between us if we make it out of here. I just-- I don't want to have unrealistic expectations."
Luke furrows his eyebrows as if confused entirely but what I have to say. I anticipate his response, not understanding where his confusion is stemming from as this is one of the few times we've really talked about what's going on between us.
"I thought it was obvious," he says. "I thought that when we make it out of here we'll be together."
When we make it out of here.
His words are confident, proving he has not even considered the possibility that one of us could potentially not make it out alive. Instead, it seems like he's viewing this stage as a minor obstacle for us and the second we overcome it, we can delve into our relationship fully.
"Luke, we don't know if we both will-"
"Well, why would we think about the possibility of us not making it out?" he asks, holding my gaze as we remain hardly a foot away from one another. "Why can't we just be optimistic and plan what our life will be like together once we make it out?"
My heart flutters at his choice to use the word 'plan'.
Has he been envisioning a life for us out of this? Has he planned things on his own? Has he not even thought about the possibility of walking out of here without me? Does his idea of his future only consist of me?
"I don't know, I feel like I don't even know what we are or what we're doing-"
"If i asked you to be my girlfriend, would that help clear things up?"
My gaze flashes towards his, my heart rate slamming against my chest as I didn't expect this at all. Is this him asking me? Is he just throwing this question out so he can contemplate it further? Is he ready to put a label between us?
"I-I- what?"
"Because I was waiting until we got out of here so I could ask you over a nice dinner or maybe take you somewhere nice with a good view and be real cheesy about it," he says, a snicker leaving his lips. "But we can skip all that and just establish what we have now. I can do it again once we're out of here and make it all cute and shit but if this will put your mind at ease then all that can hold off."
I can't help but smile at his words, all of them reassuring me in the best way possible as it's clear he's put a lot of thought into it. I don't doubt that he wants me to be his girlfriend, he was just waiting for the appropriate time to ask me. He didn't think this was the right place and I can't help but acknowledge how sweet the thought is.
"I don't need any of that, Luke," I say honestly. "I just want-- I just need you."
Luke's eyes gaze between my own looking between the two of them as he takes in my expression entirely. I don't let my demeanor falter as I don't want him to overthink establishing things between us. I just want a sense of security in knowing that what we have going isn't just temporary. In all honesty, I'm terrified that we'll walk out of this as strangers.
"You have me, Lila," he says, his voice quiet as he looks me dead in the eyes. "You always have and you always will."
I smile at his words, hearing how genuine they are as they definitely shoot relief through me. I hadn't realized how desperate I was to hear this but now that I am hearing it, I want to hear it again.
"And when we make it out of here..." Luke starts, stretching out his arm in order to wrap it around my back, tugging my body to his within seconds. In return, I wrap my arm around his stomach to keep us as close as possible. "We'll do normal couple things like go out to a nice dinner, or go to an actual beach, or maybe dress up for once."
I can't help but laugh considering neither of us has seen the other actually dressed up. All our attire consists of here are shorts and tank tops which really isn't the most eye-grabbing clothing. On top of that, he's never seen me with makeup on or with my hair done or with a dress that I feel good in... these are all things that I'm eager to do once I get back.
"Maybe we can get a place together," he says mostly to himself, his hand rubbing my back gently as his tone drifts off slightly. I'm surprised to hear this as it certainly would be after having not known each other for that long. After all, if we make it out, it'll be around four to five months of knowing one another. "I don't know if that's moving too fast for you but I can't imagine going a day without you. I'd think I'd be driven to the point of insanity if I wasn't waking up beside you every morning."
I tug myself closer to him, not knowing what to think of his words as the idea of living with Luke obviously sounds incredible. At the same time though, I think if I get out of this place the first thing I'm going to want to do is to be surrounded by my family and the people who I haven't seen in months. I'd feel guilty ditching them and moving out with hardly another word.
On top of that, I still have my father's illness going on back home that I don't think I'm willing to step away from any further. I want to be there for him as long as I can and provide any help I'm capable of. I know my mom is taking on a lot in my absence so I will definitely have some making up to do.
"What do you think?" Luke asks, noticing my silence as his fingers are calming, running up and down my back in a soothing manner.
I shrug my shoulders, not wanting him to think that I don't want to be around him every second if we make it out. In fact, I think I would go equally as crazy if I wasn't constantly around him. I just have to be realistic about what I'm going home to and what other things I need to attend to. Being here, that all is wiped away as the only thing we have to worry about is war. I have no responsibilities beyond that.
"That sounds like a dream come true," I say honestly, my head nuzzled to his chest. "Seriously, all of it.... It sounds incredible, Luke."
I feel Luke relax against me slightly, as if fearful of my reaction.
"I just-- I also have to be realistic with myself of what I'm coming home to if I make it out," I say, my tone getting serious as my hand grips onto the fabric of his shirt. "Being away from my family has been hard, especially my dad, and I'm going to want to spend time with them once I'm back. Especially as we don't know how much time my dad has and I'd hate myself forever if I made it out of this and didn't take advantage of the time I have."
Luke nods, understanding my words without needing further explanation. I'm thankful for this, even though I knew he'd be understanding. I'm sure he expected me to jump on the idea of moving in with one another but I also have to bring reality back into the situation.
For that, I can't help but desire to delve into a subject that Luke and I really haven't gotten into yet.
"What about you?" I ask, tilting my head back to look at him once more. "What's waiting for you outside of this?"
Luke seems taken aback by my question, hesitating for a moment before responding. I give him the time to figure out what he wants to share with me about his family as I don't push him to answer. I instead, watch his expression as his eyes seem lost momentarily. It's as if he's running through everything that he could possibly share and is trying to pick out what's most important.
"Honestly... a very normal family," he settles with, my gaze still on him. This causes my lips to curl into a small smile, thankful to hear this as I'm happy to hear that he has a normal, hopefully, stable family back home. "Healthy parents, two great brothers, and overall, an environment that was never fun leaving."
I stay focused on him, silently urging him to continue.
"My mom was pissed when I told her I was joining the army... I think it's because I'm her favorite," he says, a chuckle leaving his lips as I smile in humor as a response. "She still hates the idea of it but I think every mother does. Nonetheless, she's proud of me and she makes that known in everything she does."
I can't imagine what Luke's mom is like. I'm sure she's wonderful if she raised a man like him who truly has become such an important person to me in my short time here.
"My dad, he never expresses that he's opposed to my desire to be here but you can see it on his face," Luke says, his gaze drifting off as he looks towards the front of the room, his nails scratching my back gently. "He'd rather all three of his boys be in his living room, sharing a beer with him, and pretending to know what's going on in whatever football game he put on."
I trail my hand up his chest, wanting to comfort him as he opens up to me like this. I appreciate the fact that he's sharing so much with me and not holding back... then again, it seems as if he's been dying to talk about this as he's clearly spewing out all this without further encouragement from me.
"Every time I left he'd just give me this little pat on the shoulder and say, 'I'll see you soon, bud'. We'd give each other a quick hug but I could see in his eyes that it hurt to send me off," Luke says, seeming to be caught up in his own world of thoughts. "They're proud of me for doing what I'm doing but they don't want me to be here."
I understand this because I went through it with Declan.
No matter how proud I was of him, or how I knew that this was making him happy, I still would've changed it in an instant. I didn't want him fighting for his life with the possibility of death lingering around every corner. I wanted him home, safe, and where I knew he was alive.
"My brothers, Jack and Ben, were really the ones who gave me a hard time about it," Luke continues, making me want to hear more and more and more as it's so weird to imagine Luke's life out of this. Is he still the hardass that he is here? "They tried to set me up with a girl to see if that would hold me back."
Luke laughs at this, me letting out a small laugh as well as I try to imagine this all.
"It obviously didn't work."
I can't help but wonder what Luke's dating life was like before he got here. I obviously have never seen him really try to flirt with the women here and it certainly took a second for the two of us to see one another in another light but that doesn't prove much to me the man that he's been back home.
"Did you date a lot?" I ask out of curiosity.
Luke shrugs his shoulders, "I had a few girlfriends in the past, none of them really stuck as I just didn't feel much of a connection with them. I don't know."
I nod, acknowledging his words as I can't imagine Luke normally dating someone. All I know him as is the person that runs this place and then becomes a major softie behind closed doors. In a normal environment, is he always a softie? Or is it still something he'd prefer to only bring out when no one else is around?
"So you were a relationship guy?" I tease. "Not a fuckboy?"
Luke laughs, immediately shaking his head as he looks down at me, finding my amused gaze once more. I don't ask this to prod into his past, more so, I just want to get an understanding of who he'll be once we get out of here.
"Nah," he says, tugging me closer to him once more. "I was pretty weird looking a good majority of my youth... very lanky, bad skin, pretty awkward... no girls wanted me."
I try to visualize the handsome man in front of me ever being capable of being weird-looking. Then again, he's far from lanky or awkward and has skin that would give dermatologists a run for their money.
"By the time women started giving me a second look, I was pretty behind on all the other guys my age when it came to their sex lives so I had no damn idea what I was doing," he says, his tone humorous as I'm loving every second of this conversation. "I got into my first relationship, figuring I'd learn along the way but I was too inexperienced for her so that didn't last long. She took my virginity then practically ran for the hills."
My eyes widen in shock, not being able to imagine this as of the few times Luke and I have taken part in intimacy, he's always struck me as far from inexperienced. In fact, I would've figured that he'd be an expert in all areas of sexual acts as I'm hardly experienced but know that he's probably the best I'll ever get.
"My second girlfriend, she taught me a little more and was a bit more patient with it all but she cheated on me so that sucked."
My eyes widen, shocked to hear that Luke Hemmings is capable of being cheated on. I'm well aware of the fact that he's the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on, cheating on him would simply be settling for less. Everything is a downgrade
"So that's when I decided to enlist in the army."
"Because she cheated on you?" I ask, rattled by the idea of a heartbreak being so bad that it makes you want to go into the army.
"No, I just knew I had nothing holding me back," Luke says, my leg slipping between the two of his in order to increase our physical contact. "Sure, I had my family begging me to stay but that was it. I sucked at relationships and I didn't have many friends so I wanted to find a new purpose out here. I wanted to find something I was good at and do something that would make me feel good about myself."
I can understand this completely.
And I'm glad he did find a purpose here and succeeded as much as he did as I'm sure it brought him a great sense of worth. After many failed relationships, I don't doubt that it hit his ego greatly and he needed a confidence boost and this seemed to give him exactly that.
"When I came home from war, after the whole thing with Amelia... I obviously wasn't myself," Luke continues, his body tensing slightly as I tighten my grip on him to remind him that I'm here. "It devastated my family as they felt like they lost me completely to war and that they'd never see the 'old Luke' again. I was my worst self-- I wouldn't talk to anyone, I would not eat, I hid in my bedroom from morning to night, and I spent a lot of time with my face dug into a pillow as I punched the living hell out of my bed in anger and frustration that it wasn't me."
Knowing this subject is hard, I reach my hand up to his hair, desiring to scratch his head lightly as I know how much he loves when I run my hands through his hair. I hope to give him a sense of comfort and peace while he talks about such a hard subject for him.
"Jack and Ben came in one night and begged me to go out with them for Jack's birthday, telling me that it's all he wanted as a gift and I knew I couldn't say no," Luke says, his eyes shutting for a moment as I curl my fingers in his hair so it runs through the spaces between them with ease. "We went out, drank a lot, I tried to be somewhat enjoyable, and eventually, my ex that cheated on me came up to me as I had no idea she was there."
This is a shocking twist as I raise my eyebrows, anticipating the direction of where this story is headed.
"I looked different at that point," Luke says, resting his chin to the top of my head as I scoot closer to him, wanting to be chest-to-chest so I can feel the way his heart reacts to his own words. "My hair had begun growing out from the shaggy mess it was that hung on my forehead, I had grown out a little bit of stubble, and I was definitely more built than I was back before I left."
I can't imagine a version of Luke that's not the one I'm currently holding onto like my life depends on it. It makes me want to see pictures of the lanky version of him with the shaggy hair as I've become so accustomed to who he is now.
"She seduced me and I needed an escape so I fucked the shit out of her in the bar's bathroom."
Being entirely taken aback, I remove my head from under his chin and look at him with wide eyes. He hardly seems phased by his words and I don't know how to react as I didn't expect them. It's not that I mind at all considering this is from his past, it just definitely was a turn I didn't see coming.
"All my pent-up anger and sadness and frustration came out in that bathroom and I walked out a different man."
I truly don't know what to say.
"And she definitely regretted cheating on me then," he says, an airy laugh following his words as he moves his body to lay on his back, his arm still around me as I remain at his side, not looking away from him for a moment. "She called me every day up until the day I left. I didn't answer a single one of her calls."
I try to take in all the details of this story, being amazed by it all but also being shocked to hear of this. I can't believe we didn't delve into these things sooner as they're incredibly entertaining and leaving me at a loss for words.
"I started talking again, sure it wasn't my typical self but it was something and my family was thankful for that," Luke says, his hand rubbing my shoulder as he stares at the ceiling. "So when I left for the final round, my mom begged me to bring 'her old Luke' back."
I feel sorry for his mom as I'm sure she feels empty knowing that Luke's old personality was stripped from him due to trauma. I can't imagine how hard that is for her, as a mother, and how heartbreaking it must've been for her to try and get her son back.
"And I feel like I finally give that to her," he speaks, grabbing my attention once more. "All because of you."
I feel an explosion of fireworks go off in my body, his words being so impactful and touching as I don't even know what to say. This alone is my greatest accomplishment from being here as I hope I can bring Luke's mom some sense of healing once he returns. I know how hard it is to send someone off to the army so for her to be able to hopefully finally find peace in it, that's the greatest gift of them all.
"Really?" I ask, just above a whisper, needing confirmation.
"Really," he says, turning his head to look at me as he smiles. "You've dug out a happiness in me that I haven't felt since I lost Amelia."
Being overwhelmed with joy, I can't help but grab onto either side of his face and tug him towards me so I can kiss him. His words are so beautiful and mean more than anything in the world as I can't imagine that I was capable of doing this. Nonetheless, I hear that he means them and I see the light in his eyes that comes with them.
I feel on top of the world.
Luke smiles into the kiss, kissing me back as he continues to hold onto me, keeping me close to him while we kiss each other in a manner that exudes passion. After all, if there's one thing the two of us have, it's a hell of a lot of passion towards one another. Our lips are gentle against one another, soaking in the moment and appreciating it rather than attempting to push things further than they need to be right now as we're wrapped in one another's arms.
And I truly could stay like this all night.
As if wanting to further the conversation, Luke pulls back from the kiss, his eyes glued to mine as his smile is evident and he doesn't try to hide it.
I smile in return, mirroring his happiness as I replay his words in my head over and over again. His gaze drops to my lips before finding my eyes once more as I hold back from throwing myself on top of him and kissing him like I mean it.
"And what about you, Ms. James?" he asks, causing my eyebrow to raise. "Do you have a fuckgirl past?"
I laugh at his question, it coming out playfully as he probably knows that I'm not capable of that. In no way did I ever find myself interested in sleeping around with people just for the heck of it.
"No," I say honestly, a smile on my lips as the question is ridiculous in itself. "Never had a boyfriend and the only person I ever did anything with currently has a death wish for me so..."
Luke's face drops instantly, clearly not finding my words humorous as I remind him of someone who currently is plotting my death in probably the most gruesome way possible.
Luckily, he pushes aside that part of the conversation for now.
"What happened between you two? How'd that occur?"
I shrug, cuddling into his chest for comfort as I reflect on something I so wish I could go back and change.
"It was at my graduation party, we were both the only ones sober, he was sitting aside and talking to me all night then suggested we go upstairs," I say, recalling the experience. "We started making out, I was kind of desperate to lose my virginity, so I didn't really question it."
Luke's jaw tightens and I see the way his eyes darken slightly.
"Declan walked in on it though which was incredibly uncomfortable," I say, trying to erase the memory from my mind as it's not fun thinking about the time your brother witnessed a man on top of you, even with blankets covering both of you completely. "He beat the living hell out of him."
"As he should've."
"I didn't see him again after that," I say, remembering being so confused. I wasn't hurt because I really didn't feel much for him but I thought it was weird that we never really got to talk about what happened. "Until... yeah."
Luke's strong arm pulls me to him tightly, my body landing on top of his chest as I gasp in surprise, my hands falling out in order to keep me from laying on him completely.
Luke's eyes look to me intensely as he doesn't have any light in them anymore. Instead, I see the anger in them as my part of the conversation managed to change the mood completely.
"He's number one on my list, I hope you know that."
Cringing at his choice of words, I ask, "Can we not talk about lists that are filled with people we want to kill?"
"I'm serious, Lila," he says, nonetheless. "I hope you know I mean it when I swear to you that we're both making it out of this."
His words are heavy and filled with concern as I know he wants me to not only hear him but also believe him. I don't know what to say as I don't trust them and I don't want to get caught up in them as it has the potential to create false hope.
Either way, I give him the response he yearns for as I nod my head, silently promising that I trust him as I, unfortunately, can't ever give him that trust. Sure, I can trust him in absolutely any other way but I can't trust his words as he attempts to assure me that I'll make it out of here alive.
Even if I've never been in war, I know all the twists and turns that come with me that no one could ever see coming in a million years. And that's what I fear the most... things that are out of both of our controls.
a/n
last sentence foreshadowing? absolutely.
sorry for the wait, I hope this was worth it! fun lil cute chap where we get to know more about luke! what'd you guys think?
what do you think is to come??? lots planned and I'm v excited to give it to you all!
thanks for all your love and support! i appreciate you all so much and am soo thankful for all of you! love love love you all!