11. Seth
The next morning I lie in bed, feeling like death warmed up. I haven't slept all night, trying to get Arya to answer the phone or at least respond to my texts. Of course she won't. I fucked it all up again and this time there's no excuse for it. I fucked up and that's it. I don't even know why I did it. After having that fight with Arya yesterday morning, I was just so pissed. When Jackson suggested that I take part in the initiation, I accepted without thinking about it twice. Even when everything was explained to me, I just accepted. Didn't think. Didn't question. I just did it.
At that time I felt like the old me again. Like nothing had changed since high school... and I kind of liked it. For a few hours, I didn't think about Arya. All I thought about was me. I wouldn't let myself miss her.
Especially after she denied being with me earlier that day. She looked so angry, she wouldn't even look at me. At that point, I felt like I didn't even know her and she didn't want to know me.
But of course I know that's not true because when I went to bed just a few hours ago, my walls came crashing down and I felt the weight of my own stupidity crashing down on me. I am not the same guy I was in high school and I finally need to leave him behind. Why would I want to be him again in the first place?
A fierce knock on the door pulls me from my thoughts and I jump up, hoping that it's Arya. When I pull open the door, I sigh. Kim, the girl responsible for the initiation, two other girls and Jackson stand in front of me. Kim pushes past me into my room.
“Hey!” I yell but she ignores me. When she turns to face me, her face is furious. She looks about ready to burst.
Jackson follows me inside, shutting the door behind him, leaving the other two girls outside. He slaps a hand on my shoulder before standing next to Kim.
“What the fuck, Seth?!” Kim shrieks. “Could you not have told us that your girlfriend is a self-righteous little bitch?!”
“Don't talk about her like that!” I retort, growing angry myself.
“I'll talk about her however I want! You should have told us that she would be trouble. First she refuses initiation and now she's ratted on us! Don't believe for one second that if we go down, you're coming straight down with us!”
“A bit over dramatic aren't we?” I sneer. “She got a night guard to break initiation up, which was the right thing to do. I should have never agreed to doing it. It's fucked up.”
“Fucked up! You want to know what's fucked up? Your dog of a girlfriend getting us all thrown out for doing what's been done for years. It's a fucking tradition, Seth. And now just because one chick thinks she's better than us, everything is going to fall apart. You're here on a scholarship right? Well guess who'll get kicked out first? The kids who pay to be here or the kids who cost the school money?!” Kim rants and with every word she shrieks, my headache gets worse and worse.
I take a deep breath, trying to take in what she says. Of course she's right in some ways. If the college starts expelling students, the ones on scholarships would be first to go but would it really come so far? If this initiation thing has been going on for years, surely administration knows about it? Surely they couldn't just throw us out?
“You okay?” I feel Jackson's hand on my shoulder again. I face him and for once he doesn't look smug. I shake my head and sit down on my bed.
“Can't we just let this blow over?” I ask, grabbing the water bottle off my night stand.
“That would be lovely, wouldn't it?” Kim spits sarcastically. “We'll see how administration handles this.” She leans down to me, her face hovering only inches above mine. “And you better get that fat bitch to step the fuck down. Or I will.”
With that she storms out of my room, slamming the door shut behind her. I sigh and take a large gulp of water.
“Sorry about her.” Jackson says and I feel like I'm hallucinating. “She's always this bitchy. Most of us have gotten used to it but I guess it's a bit overwhelming, huh? You don't look so good, bro.”
“I'm fine.” I snap. “Well, you know, except for the fact that ever since my girlfriend came here to join me, we've been terrorised by this asshole who keeps telling us we need to break up. Then he finally stops and is replaced by an angry Asian girl, threatening me because I'm on scholarship and threatening to bully my girlfriend. Great first semester, really. Lovely. It's like we never left high school.”
“That does sound pretty awful if you put it like that.” Jackson sniggers, leaning against my desk. “For what it's worth, I'm sorry for my... choice of method. Guess that was a bit much but I was right. See what your relationship is already doing to you. And us for that matter.”
I shake my head slowly...
“If she didn't come here in the first place, none of this would have ever happened.” Jackson explains but he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand how much I need her. If she never came here in the first place, I would probably have gone straight back to high school Seth.
“It's not that simple.” I mutter.
“Well shit, nothing is, Seth but trust me, I'm not as much of an asshole as you think I am. I've just been here longer. You learn certain behaviour. You have to act a certain way to get through the day and get what you want. Girls will throw themselves at you any given opportunity and you get used to that, too. So you start treating them accordingly. When your girl first came here, I didn't really see why I would treat her differently.”
I glare at him and he holds his hands up and laughs. “Don't worry, my sister beat some sense into me.”
“Good because what you've just said makes me want to beat you senseless.” I mutter, rubbing my hands over my face as my headache blurs my vision.
“We already know how that's going to end.”
“Why are you still here?” I snap, wanting nothing more than to be alone.
“Oh right! Sorry, I couldn't tell you when Kim was still here. Amber just texted me. Arya didn't come back to her room until two hours ago and she looked awful. She's with Amber now and isn't doing so well so you might want to go check on her. Don't make me regret telling you. You need to get a handle on this, get Arya to step down and make sure this gets settled, alright?” Jackson sounds almost worried but I'm already gathering my phone and keys and flee the room, not caring about leaving Jackson behind.
I rush across campus until I finally reach Arya's room. When I get there, I realise that I don't know where Amber lives. I try knocking on Arya's door but of course there's no answer. Running my hands through my hair, frustrated, I start pacing up and down the hallway.
“Hey!” Someone whisper-yells at me and I turn to see Amber, poking her head out of one of the rooms. Jackson must have told her that I'm coming over. She waves me over and I take a deep breath before following her into the room.
“Quiet, she's finally asleep.” Amber whispers, pointing towards the bed.
Quietly, I walk over to her. She's rolled up in the fetal position, her breathing shallow. Her face is red and puffy, stained with tears. I turn to Amber and she shrugs.
“She told me what happened. I've never been a fan of the whole initiation thing but this year, they took it to another level. That was insane and I can't believe you just went along with it. If I were her, I would be furious as well.” She scolds me, still whispering.
“Trust me, I hate myself more than she does...”
“She doesn't hate you. Quite the opposite. You just somehow managed to fuck things up majorly.”
Arya stirs in her sleep and I sit down next to her on the bed, stroking her hair.
“I'm going to leave you alone for a while. Make things right or you'll have me to deal with.” Amber threatens before leaving the room.
As soon as Amber is gone, I feel a kind of heaviness, pushing down on me. I lean down and place a kiss on Arya's head. I don't want to wake her up but at the same time I need to make sure that she's okay. I need to explain and apologize and pray that she'll forgive me. She has to forgive me. I don't know what I would do without her.
Suddenly I feel tired and want nothing more than to hold Arya in my arms. I lie down next to her, wrap my arms around her body and pull her to my chest. Her own chest rises and falls as she breathes steadily. She whimpers and I remember last night. She told me to stay away and once again I am not listening to what she asked of me.
How am I supposed to stay away? She is the only part of my life that makes sense.
The disappointment in her face has rogue tears spilling from my eyes.
I bury my face in her neck and I can't hold her against me tight enough.
“Seth...” She whispers, her voice thick with sleep.
“Shh, babe. We can talk later. Sleep.” I mutter, breathing her in.
She shudders and puts her hands against my chest, pushing me away. As soon as there's enough space between us, she rolls over and sits up. Her back is tense and my heart feels like it's being crushed.
“I can't talk to you right now.” Arya sobs. “Please leave.”
“Babe, just let me explain. I'm so sorry.” I urge, getting off the bed and kneeling in front of her. I take her shaking hands in mine.
“Not right now, Seth... please.” She bows her head as she cries.
“Arya I can't leave you like this. I'll be quick. Please let me apologize and then I'll leave you alone.” I beg and she nods her head once. I reach out and brush some tears off her cheek. She closes her eyes as fresh tears quickly fall.
“You don't realize how awful of a night I've had.” Arya sobs, pulling her hands from mine and covering her face. “So I will explain something to you. And you will listen and then you will leave.
“I keep forgiving you for things. Little things that you say when you don't even realize that you're saying them. Or when we watch a movie and you laugh at fat jokes. I forgive you for that because I know you don't know better. It still hurts me but I let it slip because I don't want to cause trouble. Last night I was scared. Not only of the situation but I was scared of you and I was afraid that because I keep letting the little things slip, that you now don't see how bad yesterday was. Maybe I should have been vocal about the little things. Maybe I should have confronted you before but I didn't. And then last night when I couldn't believe my eyes, couldn't believe what I was seeing, I knew that something inside me changed. I was so sure that you had changed, that you're not the prejudiced little boy you were when I first met you. I am so deeply in love with you that I want to give you the benefit of the doubt but how can I do that when you prove to me over and over again that you're not worth it?! This anguish you're putting me through is not worth it!”
Her words cut through me like knives as she cries.
“I...” I start but can't say anything as a big lump forms in my throat.
“We're running in circles, Seth! We're just too different.”
“Don't say that. I love you.” I beg, not caring if I look weak. My chest aches and my head throbs and all I want to do is turn back time to make things right.
“And I love you but sometimes love just isn't enough.”
“Don't say that! Don't! Please. I need you. You're everything to me. You're the only constant in my life. I'm not me without you. You're the only one who can reign me back in when I feel like I'm going crazy. Arya, please. Just give me another chance. I'm sorry. I didn't think--”
“That's right, you didn't think...” She sounds defeated. She has already stopped fighting.
“I'm sorry!” I sob, trying to take hold of her hands again but she just pulls them right away.
Arya gets off the bed and walks to the door.
“Please leave now.” Her voice breaks. She's trying to be strong. She's trying not to break down in front of me.
I get off my knees and wipe the tears off my face, taking a deep breath. When I reach her, she can't even look at me.
“Where does this leave us?” I question, my voice barely a whisper. I don't want to hear her answer. I already know she doesn't want to be any more.
I don't care what happens to this school or if I get expelled. It doesn't matter! I'm just realizing this too late. Arya is right. She is doing the right thing and I will do whatever it takes to help her in fighting these fucked up traditions. Even if she doesn't want me backing her up. I've lost her but she hasn't lost me. I'll be here. Every single step of the way, I will be here.
“For now... I think it would be best if we take a break.”
***********
Happy Easter?