I honestly can't believe that it's July already. I'm having mixed feelings about this month. It's the worst month of the year and a fun month. Worst because the love of my life disappeared into the ocean on the night that I was going to propose to her. Fun because Ryan was born almost two years ago. He's the best thing that happened to me, I love my son to the moon and back. He definitely makes the month of July a little easier for me to endure.
Thinking about Ryan's birthday is stressful in it's own way. My little boy deserves the world but I can't give it to him. I don't have a lot of money to buy him expensive toys and it makes me feel like a failure. Emma, Liam, Kara and my siblings all wanted to spoil him on previous birthdays with a big party, new toys and stuffed animals, but I wouldn't let them. He was too young to remember it anyway. That was my excuse for last year too. I'm very well known for being stubborn and proud. Last year they all tried really hard to talk me into letting them do everything to celebrate Ryan's first birthday and I kind of snapped at them. I feel bad about that and apologized later on for my outburst. I knew why I snapped and they knew that too, after I explained. Last year I didn't feel like celebrating when the person I want to enjoy it with is missing. And this year isn't different for me. Why should I celebrate life without the love of my life? Beca is still missing and I want her here with me and Ryan.
Last year Ryan and I spend July 31st alone. My siblings and Beca's would stop by to see us and wish Ryan a happy birthday. They brought the presents that had already been approved by me. My genius son always loved the presents and always knows that his birthday is also a sad day for me. He doesn't understand why, but seeing me sad, he always gives me extra hugs and kisses. Like he tells me that he's here for me.
This year though, the gang has persuade me into letting them throw Ryan a birthday party. Turning two is a big deal and I know that, but it doesn't feel right to celebrate without Beca. Chicago is also in on it and he's paying for half of it. That Chicago is helping out means a lot to me. He's Ryan's father and is taking the responsibility for it. I mean, he only sees our son twice a year and Ryan doesn't even know him that well, but when I need Chicago to help me out for something for Ryan, he always helps out. I'm not sure how Ryan sees his father, but I think he thinks of Chicago as a friend of me that takes him out to places twice a year. I can't really blame Chicago, he's just doing his job, but sometimes I feel like Ryan needs more than me.
Today Emma, Liam and Kara are coming over and we're going to tell Ryan about his party. I've acted normal all morning and afternoon, so Ryan doesn't suspect that something is happening.
The three musketeers will be here any second, with some food for all of us. As soon as I open the door, Ryan jumps up and Liam catches him. The two run off to play a little and I let them eat together in the living room while Emma, Kara and I sit down in the kitchen. They both thank me again for agreeing to let them do something this year. They also assure me that my siblings are helping out too. The six of them have already been discussing it over video chat. Not very surprising, they want to include Ryan in the planning and so we schedule a video chat with everyone where they can ask him what he wants at his party, within reason of course.
After dinner, I call Ryan into the kitchen where my son insist on sitting with his uncle. Emma takes charge on telling the news.
,,Hey Ry, your birthday is coming up and we're thinking about throwing you a party. Would you like that?"
,,Really? I get a party, just for me?" My little guy asks with wide happy eyes.
,,Yes sweety, just for you. We'll all be there, plus your uncle Noah, aunt Gwen and little James." I say now, smiling softly.
,,What about my other aunts? They come?" Aw, Ryan doesn't want to leave anyone he loves out.
,,Of course they can. I bet aunt Amy, Aubrey and Emily can't wait to see you. We'll invite them right after we know more about it." Emma says for me.
,,Okay. This is the best! Mommy, can uncle Liam and I play outside before bed?"
,,Of course you can, be good for Liam."
,,I will!" Is the only thing I hear as he drags Liam outside. I turn to Emma and Kara with a question on my lips.
,,I have one thing to say, well a request. I want the party to be on the 30th. I don't think I can handle it being on the day itself. It's already hard enough as it is." I'm looking at my hands while saying this.
,,Chloe, we were already planning it for then anyway. The 31st is on a Sunday and we knew you wouldn't want to have it on the real day. It's really hard for us too but coming to see you and Ryan helps all three of us. Wyatt just tries to ignore it and always ends up drunk and sleeping with random people. It's not healthy. We always spend it together and being here for each other and you too. Beca would want us to be here for you always, so we are and it's not going to change." I could really cry at this. Those lovely words were spoken by Kara who has really come a long way. We spend the rest of our time talking about any and everything. That is until Liam comes in carrying a sleeping Ryan. I take my little boy from him and put him to bed with a kiss to his soft head. After seeing our guests off, I lock everything up for the night and head to bed too. It's been a long day and there are many more to come.
It's now the morning of the 18th and I have a full house. Well that's an exaggeration really, it seems full because it's usually just Ryan and I living here. But now Noah, Gwen and James are here. They insisted on coming early so are here on vacation for two weeks. They arrived yesterday and I insisted that they stay here to save on accommodation. Hotels here are so expensive!
I only have two bedrooms, so I graciously gave Noah and Gwen my room. James is sleeping in Ryan's room and I'm currently sleeping on the couch, which turns into a single bed. Surprisingly it's rather comfortable, last night is the first night that I've had to use it. Maybe I should have guests over more often?
Before everyone gets moving for the day, I make breakfast with what's left in the fridge. Luckily I have bacon, eggs and bread, perfect for a nice breakfast.
The food is being plated when Noah comes in carrying an excited Ryan followed by Gwen with James. Both boys are babbling away about their first night of sleeping over. It makes me smile every time I see my little boy with my equally as cute nephew. They get along so well and I just hope internally that when Ryan has to go to day care that he gets along with other kids too.
Breakfast is a happy affair and I'm really enjoying the company. Especially because it's Noah, I've missed him so much and feel like I never see him in person anymore. It's not anyone's fault and just means I enjoy it more when we do get together on occasion.
,,So little sis, my little man and I are sorta kidnapping your little man for the day." Noah say nonchalantly, as he's washing the dishes.
,,Oh really and why is that? Where are you guys going?" I ask with interest.
,,Oh, you know, just out really. Meet up with Liam and have some male bonding time. No girls aloud I'm afraid."
,,Well that sounds like fun, I'm sure you guys will have fun." I smile in his direction. ,,What do you think Ry, you want to go out with James and uncle Noah?"
,,Yes please, but can uncle Liam come too? I don't want him to be lonely." Aw my sweet boy, obviously he wasn't listening before.
,,Of course Liam is coming, he's a boy too and this is going to be an all boys day." Noah says, putting an over excited voice on.
,,Yay, this is going to be fun!"
,,It will be sweetheart, why don't you go get a toy to take with you and choose one for James too please."
,,Yes mommy." Ryan says, running off to his room. He comes back with two toys and hands one to his cousin who smiles wide at him.
,,Alright men, let's get ready to go out and have fun!" Noah takes both boys in his arms. They get coats on and all leave in Noah's car, which leaves Gwen and I our own devices. I really like my sister in law, I always just think of her as another sibling because that's what she is really.
,,So, I have to do some shopping later. If you want to come with it's easier because you know what to get for your little family more than I do." I say openly, so she knows it's up to her.
,,Oh yeah, that'd be great Chloe. I wanna half for the groceries anyway, it's the least I can do." Gwen says and I can tell that she's been genuine.
,,Oh you don't have to." I try to wave her off but she's not having it.
,,We're halving and I'll have no argument about it, okay? I want to half and so does Noah, so let us!"
,,Okay, we're halving. We don't have to go yet. Do you wanna maybe watch a movie before we go? It's been a while since I watched anything that isn't for children."
,,That would be great, and I haven't either. Noah would be so jealous, he's always suggesting a movie night when your parents or mine are watching James. I always shoot him down in favor of going out for a date night. So yeah, this will be fun."
,,Cool, so you choose the movie and I'll get us something to drink." When I come back, I'm happy to see that she chose a comedy for us to watch. ,,I love this, the Mask is one of my favorites and Beca's too." My mind tries to go into a memory, but I don't let it. Thankfully the movie starts and my body relaxes.
When the movie ends, I'm a little sad. I haven't laughed that much in ages.
,,You know, we should totally watch another movie this afternoon." Gwen says, looking at me expectantly.
,,I'm totes up for that and even though it's a kids movie, I kinda want to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events."
,,I totally agree, Jim Carrey is the best! So it's settled that's our next movie. But first I think we should get the shopping done, if I sit here much longer than I probably won't be bothered about going. Plus I have to shower first, the trip yesterday made me smell funny." I giggle when she pretends to smell her arm pits.
,,You don't smell funny." I say, with a slight bump to her elbow. ,,And yeah, I know what you mean and agree that we should totally go soon. Why don't you go shower first. I'm just gonna text Noah and see how they're getting on."
,,That'd be great, thanks. I won't be too long and then you can get ready too." She says while getting up and walking towards the bedroom.
,,Oh don't worry about it, take your time. The towels are in the closet by the bathroom!" I call out louder so she can hear me.
,,Good to know!" She calls back louder. Now it's quiet and I pull out my phone. Texting Noah asking how my boy is. I'm sure that he's fine but I'm a mother and we're supposed to worry about our babies. Not even five minutes later my phone chimes with my brothers response. Opening my Whatsapp, I have to smile there is a picture of Ryan smiling wide. He's in a ball pit and looks to be having a great time. Along with the picture are the words 'Stop worrying, he's fine and is having a blast. We'll see you later, enjoy your free time!'
'Okay. Gwen and I are having our own fun. See ya later!' is what I type back. Now, while I wait for Gwen, I select the bonus features on the DVD. I always like to watch bloopers so I select those first.
As the funny clips end, I hear Gwen calling out to me again.
,,Chloe? Can you come here for a minute, I want your opinion on something!" Not wanting to keep her waiting, I turn off the TV and make my way to my bedroom. Opening my door, I take two steps inside and freeze on the spot. In front of me is Gwen holding up a bra and panties matching lingerie set. She's fully dressed so that's not what is making my brain work double time. It's the fact that her lingerie is bright red in color. My mind wants to flashback to years ago, when I wore that exact same set. No, no don't go there! I squeeze my eyes shut, willing it to stop but my actions are futile. ,,This is totally my color, don't you think?" Oh god, why did she have to say that?! I'm stuck now, the memory is being displayed in my eyes. I can't hear anything else but my heartbeat.
Flashback
After our video call, I invited Beca over to come see my dorm room. There's only one problem right now and that's that Aubrey is still here. She knows what I want to do and she promised to leave so Beca and I can be alone.
,,Are you going already?" I ask my closest friend on college, who is busy packing. She's staying over at Stacie's dorm, so Beca and I are alone.
,,Oh, my God Chloe! She's not even here yet and you're already freaking out?! You're so whipped for her. Take my advise and ask her to move in with you once she's a Freshman here." I look at her, while adjusting my robe, so my red lingerie is covered.
,,Wait, that's possible? I will be a junior when Beca will be attending Barden University."
,,No, you won't. You are failing at Russian Lit on purpose." I raise my eyebrows.
,,I don't do that."
,,Yes you do and it's funny you are not aware that you're purposely failing that school subject. You don't want to succeed because then you know you won't have many years here on campus with Beca." I don't say anything and just think about what she tells me. ,,Hey, it's okay. Everyone deals with age differences differently. I can't wait to graduate and move to New York to start my career. Stacie is only one year younger than me, so she won't take long to come to New York too." My cheeks turn red once her words come in. She's right. I do that, but only because I want a lot of time with Beca.
,,Are you going to Stacie now?" I ask her impatiently.
,,I'm going, but don't do anything I wouldn't do." She gives me a wink before leaving our dorm room. I rub my forehead for a moment, before sitting down on my bed. I'm not planning on sex with Beca at all, because I want her to give me the green light. A knock on the door put me back in the present and I don't wait to open the door.
,,Hey, Becs." Beca smiles when she sees me, not noticing the same robe from our video call. She steps inside and looks around the room.
,,Wow, Chlo. This room is amazing." Full of admiration looks Beca around the room.
,,Thank you, Becs." I smile at her as I close the door. ,,Oh and if you want, you can stay and sleep over. Aubrey is at Stacie's." I can see her eyes light up by the idea.
,,Only if you promise we're not going to watch a lot of movies."
,,Oh, don't be like that. You love our movie nights. But don't worry, I have something else in my mind." I tell her and lock the door quietly. I don't want anyone to disturb us.
,,Well, the room is really nice." She tells me and sits down on my bed. I wander how she knew which bed was mine, but don't question her. Suddenly she stands up again, walking over to my desk with a picture of us. ,,You look very pretty in this picture, Chlo." She tells me and swoons over the picture.
,,You didn't look so bad yourself, Becs." I wink, but she doesn't see it. ,,I'm happy we had that video call a few nights back and that you're free to sleepover now."
,,Me too, Chlo, me too." Beca says but doesn't look at me. ,,But it was just a call. Seeing you in lingerie through a webcam was nice, but nothing compared to the OG." I laugh at that.
,,I'm glad you say that, Becs. I totally agree." I hold my robe. ,,Becs?" Now she advert her eyes from the room to me and I open my robe so she can see the same red lingerie that I wore in the video call. Beca is speechless and just eye me up and down. I can see her swallow, before laughing and walking towards her seductively. She drops her bag and pulls me against her body. ,,Impatient much, huh?"
,,Shut up and kiss me." She demands and I can't lie. It turns me on a little bit. I press my lips to hers and pull her on my bed with her back. I lay on top of her and my hands start to roam all over her. ,,Remove the robe." She tells me and I stop kissing her for a moment, only to remove my robe to the floor, together with her shirt. I'm not going to be the only one in lingerie.
,,You need to lose your pants, Becs." I say. ,,Right now!" Beca smiles and slowly gets out from under me and remove her pants. Her lingerie is beautiful and I pull her back on the bed next to me, where our make out session is turning into a heated one. Just as I'm about to go a little further, Beca stops me, telling me she's not ready for that yet. I reassure her that it's okay and suggest to watch some Disney movies and cuddle, in which Beca happily agree to. We lay against the headboard as I put in Robin Hood. Even tho we are not going to have sex and just cuddle, this night will be unforgettable because Beca is all I need!