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⇒ Blueprint Apartments
8:30pm
"We need to talk," Changbin announced as soon as he entered the apartment, and the sight of Felix seated on the sofa with one leg bouncing restlessly was enough to sell out just how much he expected that proposal from his boyfriend. And not even questioning the younger's unforeseen preparedness, Changbin took his own seat on the single sofa, leaning forward with arms propped on his knees, and lowering his head as if shame would eat him up if he were even to attempt a mutual gaze with the blonde. "We really need to talk..."
"Yeah," Felix mumbled, looking down, not at all ready for what they were about to discuss. "But first," he tried to smile, failing when he realized how Changbin had not looked at him even once since getting comfortable, "how- how is Jisung?"
"S-Sung is fine," Changbin stuttered, tired from just the thought of verbalizing what he had done and, quite unsure how to bring such a confession forward. Because simply stating that he kissed someone else didn't seem very practical, and when analyzed, bringing it out in parables seemed to make even less sense. But what held an even worse outcome than those two was the third option; keeping such deed a secret, and Changbin could never see himself doing such a thing, so he knew that the first, although requiring more courage, would be the most honest and effective conclusion.
So inhaling and deciding to not waste any more time, he looked up at Felix, finally, breath hitching upon finding the latter's eyes on him. "I- I did something bad," he almost whispered, trying to anticipate where exactly their conversation would lead to, within the short interval before his next line. "I- I fucked up, and for that I'm sorry. I know that things may never be the same again- and not just because of that... and I'm sorry."
"W-what did you do?" Felix asked calmly, arching both brows and tilting his head to the side with his lower lip trapped in between his teeth. His heartbeats quickened and, he was honestly kind of fearful at just the possibility of something heartbreakingly negative leaving Chagbin's lips, but at the same time, Felix felt sort of... relieved? He felt somewhat satisfied with the mere thought of his partner making a grave, justifiably unforgivable mistake, as it would give his heart more reason to move on and not look back, but never mind.
Thinking about that in an already tense atmosphere made his conscience heavy. So sighing, Felix shifted closer to the edge of the sofa, staring at Changbin intently.
"I- I kissed him..."
Silence.
Changbin flinched as if the confession of his mouth had recoil to attack his face and, Felix froze as if he was not just feeling a bit hopeful that something of such was the case. Because sitting there, with wide eyes and parted lips that were positioned for a low gasp, he could not say that it didn't hurt.
Yes, he had been displaying wrong attitudes and poor communication, and caught feelings for another man... but he never cheated...
Yes, he thought about it and almost did it but, he never went through with it... And having to process the new information that the man he had built a solid foundation of trust with kissed someone else... hurt...
But Felix knew that he could not blame Changbin entirely. The latter's lips were probably affection-deprived, considering the fact that they hadn't had a proper- real kiss all week. His heart was probably yearning for some type of mutual connection and didn't know how to decline when such wish was fulfilled and... maybe he was moving on too?
Yeah, maybe. And as much as it was the perfect example of hypocrisy, Felix could not lie and say that he felt okay with that. But it was fair, wasn't it? If he could fall out of love, then Chagnbin could too... couldn't he?
"O-oh," the blonde finally spoke up, shivering and struggling to gulp down his dry throat. "I- I don't know what to say..."
"I was wrong, and I admit that, Felix," Changbin sighed, running a hand over his face, and slumping back in his seat before continuing. "It's just- these past few weeks have been so damn hard, and this was the outcome of us not talking about it-"
"Changbin-"
"No, listen. If you had been listening to my feelings more, then things wouldn't have gotten this far in the first place," Changbin scoffed, not even trying to hide his agitation; growing from just the reiteration of how love was no longer the root of their relationship. It all hurt too, too much, and he really was not willing to keep anything in anymore, no matter how Felix felt about it.
"I think it's safe to assume that you don't love me anymore," he stood to pace the floor, assuming that it'd better let out his points as loud and clear as he needed them to be. "And it hurts- it hurts like hell. You've been treating me like a second choice for the past time, Felix. Like what the fuck? At least reassure me? Reassure me and tell me that everything is okay- that I still have- or had you," he sniffled when his voice cracked, shaking his head as he glanced Felix's shaky, sweaty frame.
"I-I'm sorry," Felix too, stood up, fiddling with the hem of his sweater. "I- Let me be honest too, Bin," he gulped, attempting to touch the older's arm but frowning when Changbin didn't even hesitate to shift out of range.
Ouch.
"I've been distant because..." he started but trailed off, shivering under the older's gaze. Opening both palms in front of his chest to gesture as emphasis to his words, he sighed and spoke again, looking down at his hands' movements rather than Changbin's dull eyes. "Ever since Chan came along," he sighed, sniffling and struggling to keep his admission as honest as possible. "I- I've been feeling kind of- fuck- I almost- we almost kissed, Bin-Bin..."
"What?" Changbin, drew both folded arms down from his torso, clearly and tenably hurt. And all of a sudden, his decision to cheat didn't seem so worthy of requital anymore. Because Felix had to have had cheated- well almost, cheated, even earlier than that night, yet chose to say nothing. He had stayed still and harbored those growing feelings for a man whilst leading another on and-
Fuck.
Changbin's knees felt weak. The anger growing within him rushed up to his eyes like tears and, his head hurt at the replay of every single thing that they had been through together- every single sacrifice that he had made for a child who was not even his and, every single bit of love that he held for Felix, even though it was slowly but surely dwindling.
He wished that he was not right.
He wished that Felix was going through something else and that he was the only one who messed up and was overthinking, but it was clear enough that that wasn't the case.
Damn.
Changbin shifted to fall back onto the couch, palms opening to welcome his tear-stricken face, and heavy throat fighting to keep back a noisy sob with his next line. "When did you plan on telling me this?" He sniffled, rolling his shoulder to let down Felix's hand when the latter had attempted to comfort him. "When did you really plan to stop using me, Felix?"
"I planned on talking to you tonight, obviously, since I was waiting here for you. But what the fuck do you mean by using you?" Felix scoffed, instinctively offended. "You're acting as if I wasn't conflicted. Do you think I want to this that way, Changbin? Do you think I wanted to fall in love with somebody else? Don't fucking tell me that I was using you- I was simply trying to get myself together-"
"By hurting me, Felix? You've been trying to figure your damn self out by hurting me?" Changbin practically yelled that time, the popping of the vein in his neck acting as a company for the new red color of his eyes.
He was furious; hurt and fed up of every damn thing. And, as stated before, he did not care, anymore. "Since when did you become so freaking selfish? Yes, you have been using me, and I will say it again and again and over fucking again. You know that I would never hesitate to take care of Kai, and I don't care what you say because it's clear that you have been taking advantage of that-"
"Chang-"
"Kai is not my child, Felix. Yes, I looked forward to the day where he would really see me as his dad and maybe even call me that, but these days? I know that that will never fucking happen. And I don't blame the kid- not one bit. I could never blame him. And I don't blame you for that specific thing either, but!have you ever stopped to think how much it hurts, Felix?" Changbin sobbed, both he and Felix too caught up in his speech and volume to take note of a certain creaking noise.
"Have you ever wondered how I feel about the entire situation? Yes, I act like I'm okay and everything, but nothing is fucking okay and we both know that. You don't fucking love me anymore, okay? But I don't blame you or hate you for that... I just guess that this relationship is going nowhere... it's clear. And as much as I love Kai, I'm not going to force things just for him." He sniffled, leaning back and massaging both of his temples. The collar of his shirt was surely moist with tears and watery mucus but, that didn't matter.
The fact that he was currently going through a breakup with the person that he thought was the one was what mattered...
The realization that he had to go through the strain of packing to move out, as well as suffer the cost of his own rent alone, was what mattered...
A sniffling Kai carrying his wolf plushie as he waddled into the living room, was what mattered...
"Shit," Felux muttered, wiping some of his tears and gliding up to his little boy's front before the child could come any further. "Kai-Kai," he stuttered, nervous, "w-what are you doing awake?"
"Daddy and Binnie are fighting," Kai cried, sobbing heavily into his father's arms. His little head hurt and, his chubby fingers, so anxious from the commotion outside of his room, clawed onto the back of his plushie. "Binnie was yelling at daddy..."
Not good.
Changbin flew up from his seat, lifting the bottom of his shirt to wipe his face and heading straight for Kai to rid the image of him as the bad guy from the toddler's mind.
"Kai," he called sweetly, reaching to stroke the boy's hair but, frowning when Kai quickly shifted and snuggled further into Felix's arms; the latter honestly struggling to maintain his stooped position yet not willing to stand up. "Kai-Kai, I- I wasn't exactly yelling at daddy-"
"Y-Yes, you were," Kai sobbed harder, turning his head away from Changbin. "Binnie being mean to daddy..."
"Kai," Changbin groaned, standing up. How to clear his name to a three-year-old? He did not know, and what hurt, even more, was the way that Felix wasn't even attempting to speak on his behalf.
But he was the parent, right? And getting his little boy to calm down maybe really was the first priority, so Changbin could only scoff, rushing to their bedroom to pack a few items that'd sustain him for the night and maybe the next few days, until he was mentally capable of coming back to collect everything else.
So much for not allowing anything to turn his day upside down after receiving a promotion, right? He just- he just hoped that it'd all be a dream by morning. Yeah, some part in his mind anticipated that after waking up the next day, he'd observe the curtains shielding the window in his and Felix's bedroom- he'd feel the slim arm of his lover- ex... around his bare torso, and that things would turn around like absolutely nothing had happened with Jisung.
Yeah, hope.
But of course, reality had its own plans.
Life had its own plans.
-
9:00pm
"What?" Chan furrowed his eyebrows, concerned, but his expression softened when Kai padded over to his side with a thick, sky blue hoodie covering him up, and an adorably tiny backpack hugging his shoulders. "What exactly is going on?"
"I'm not in the best headspace right now," Felix sniffled, shrugging and struggling to keep his red eyes from locking with Kai's. "He needs someone who can comfort him, and I am not the best person for that right now... so please take care of him for the night. He might take some time to fall asleep after everything, so I packed his favorite bedtime story and the wolf plushie you gave him, as well as a few snacks for tomorrow- I don't know if you have any, so yeah... I know he already has some clothes over at your place..."
"I- I don't have a problem with that," Chan picked Kai up, a light smile cracking up the sides of his lips when his son started playing with a few of the blonde strands on his head; they were supposed to be black, but lack of motivation after Hyunjin's confrontation said otherwise. "But it's you I'm worried about... I don't know exactly what happened but, are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine," Felix lied, folding his arms. "Just- I just need some time alone, and I know Kai-Kai will be much happier with you than here so... yeah. I'll keep you updated."
"I understand... But take care of yourself, okay? And don't do anything stupid,' Chan spoke pointedly, raising both brows and tightening his lips before heading for the front door. "Also, do not hesitate to call me if anything... And- and give Changbin my regards when he gets home..."
"Mhm..."
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[A/N]
1. What do you think about Changbin's choice of words and expression? Justifiable or unjustifiable?
2. Thoughts on Kai finding out about the fight?
3. How do you think Chan will react after finding out the real reason he was asked to pick up Kai?
4. What do you think about Changbin's decision to leave the house while Kai was distressed?