Chapter Fourteen
Friday morning and I sat with my parents and Racheal discussing my brother's funeral on Sunday and my release from the high security unit. Thanks to Sammy I was actually feeling better; my suicidal thoughts still lingered but I was considering not killing myself anymore. Sammy offered to come to my brother's funeral with me but I told her I'd rather be alone. Having her there for emotional support would be nice but she didn't know Sam, she doesn't deserve to mourn his loss when she didn't feel it like I did.
Going back with the other patients made me nervous. They expected so much from me, I was their rock. And avoiding Daniel would be harder since I'll be easier to access. At least I'll be followed by staff at all times since I'm still considered a high risk. He'll still try to steal me away though. All I want is for him to sweep me off my feet and kiss me until my lips go numb. I can't have that though, I can't forgive him. I want to forgive him but he doesn't deserve it.
Thinking that my brother's funeral is on Sunday makes me feel nauseous. Hopefully it isn't an open casket funeral because if I see his lifeless body I might kill someone. My mother told me I need to write something to speak at his funeral and I've tried but no words can contain the love and joy I felt when I looked at Sam. So much hope lived within his small body and it was ripped away from a dumbass human being. I can finally say I hate humans. Human beings are such an inconsiderate and selfish kind.
Walking into the hospital felt uncomfortable. Sammy stood at my side and so did Racheal. As soon as the door opened everyone looked at me at stopped talking, some whispers flew through the crowd of patients but it was soon silent.
"Sorry I'm not perfect," I mumbled and ran up toward my room as tears streamed down my face. I hated feeling like I disappointment and every single one of these patients held so much hope within me and I crushed it.
I heard Sammy chase after me but I ignored her and continued walking until I hit a wall, or at least what I thought was a wall. That wall turned out to be Daniel. The look on his face was pure shock and excitement. My heart raced and then I scolded myself, I wasn't allowed to love him anymore.
"Hi," he choked out.
"Oh dear God not you," I said and rushed passed him, making my way to my room. All I need is sleep, sleep will solve all my problems. Is it bad that I miss high security?
"Nice to see you too," Daniel called after me.
I got to my room and opened the door and crashed into the bed. Tears streamed down my face and I began hyperventilating because I couldn't catch my breath with my face in my pillow. I heard the door latch open and expected to see Sammy, she had been racing after me. All I wanted was for Sammy to wrap her arms around me and stroke her hands through my hair and tell me everything was going to be okay even though we both knew that wasn't true. But when I turned around I saw a blurry Daniel.
I fell back into my bed and mumbled, "I told you leave me alone."
"Casey," he said with a voice full of longing. He sat next to me and put his hand on my back, at first I flinched but then I leaned into his touch. "Seeing you like this is killing me. Not being able to talk to you or kiss you or touch you is driving me insane. Ever since you've left the entire ward has an eerie feeling to it, it's like walking through a haunted house. You've given so many people hope including me and Sammy and seeing you so hurt has everyone else feeling hurt too."
I leaned up and looked at him. Rage filled my bones and I started to scream from within. "You don't understand, Daniel."
"Actually I do," he said, his tone like a slap in the face. Daniel had never sounded mad at me and now he was. He stood up and pointed at me, rage evident on his face. "Casey, my parents left me and my brother killed himself within the same month so do not play the 'you don't understand' card because I damn well understand more pain than you do." Daniel sat down and let out a long breath as I stared at him with amazement. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and kiss his tears away. I can't do that though, I have to hate him for my brother's purpose.
"You have so many people who are here who love and support you," he whispered, not looking in my direction. "I know I told you that you could blame me from keeping you from your brother but I had no control over that and I can't handle you hating me. I'm going crazy. I know the pain you're feeling is unbearable and I'll tell you that it never gets better, but just allow me to fill that hole with love. I'm sure Sam would want nothing more than for you to live your life to the fullest and not mourn his loss forever. It's more than fine to have him always in your mind but his loss cannot control your life. You still have your parents and friends."
I leaned into him, my body collapsing with fatigue. "Can you come to my brother's funeral with me," I asked.
"Of course. I just don't own a suit."
"You can borrow one of my father's."
"Sounds good."
"Can I have some time to myself?" I asked. Daniel nodded his head and stood up, kissing the top of my head before leaving my room. I curled up into a little ball and stared at Sammy's bed until I lost the strength to keep my eyes open.
***
I woke up Sunday morning and felt complete dread. I was glad Daniel would be joining me to my brother's funeral but that didn't mean that I was okay with him. He just happens to be a nice body to cry into.
I met Daniel at the breakfast table and stared at my food until Daniel told me that my parents would be here any moment. At the moment I looked like shit: my hair was unwashed, the bags under my eyes were evident, and my body felt like it was going to collapse. Daniel looked as restless as I did: his hair was messy and it looked as though he hadn't slept. Hopefully my parents were okay with me brining Daniel along; I don't know why they wouldn't be. When my parents picked us up we would head to my house so I could get ready and actually look presentable. Then it was off to the funeral and old faces I haven't seen since May.
When my parents pulled up I asked if it was okay that Daniel was coming along. They agreed, my father saying that he could try on suits and do his hair while I got ready.
Getting ready took all my strength. Being back in my home was overwhelming alone. My room felt foreign, my bathroom feeling unwelcoming. Being able to wear normal clothing and wear makeup was so odd; I felt uncomfortable and dressed up. Before heading down stairs I walked into Sam's room. It was just as I membered it, the door was shut though rather than open like normal. The room was stuffy and the air felt stiff. I ran out before suffocating and was greeted by Daniel.
He looked down at me and gave a weak smile. "You look beautiful. I'll never leave your side, unless you want me to."
"That suit looked really good on you," I said, forcing a smile. I leaned into him and mumbled, "I don't deserve you, and you're so faithful."
"I sacrifice my emotions for the one's I love." Daniel walked me down to my parent's car and held my hand as we approached the church where the service would be held. My body tensed when the church came into view and Daniel allowed me to squeeze the blood out of his hand and kissed the top of my head to calm my nerves. Although I had no idea where Daniel and I's relationship stood I was more than glad that he was with me.
We walked into the church and I almost passed out, Daniel had to put his arm around my waist to steady me. He sat me down at a bench and told me to stay still and to take deep breaths while he got me water. When he came back he watched me drink the water with a concerned look on his face.
"Thank you for coming," I whispered.
He took my hand and played with my fingers. "You're welcome. And as far as us, I am more than willing to just be friends. Or not be anything. It's your choice."
"I'm going to have to think about it."
"I understand."
Daniel looked into my eyes, his stare piercing my soul. "I'll always be here, no matter what. Never be afraid to ask me for anything because you're the first thing that's given me purpose in a long time. I'd sacrifice anything for you."
I leaned into his chest and let the sound of his heart beating sooth me. For a minute I forgot that I was at my brother's funeral, I felt happy and relaxed. Then reality hit me like a freight train as people entered the church and started to quietly converse. I decided to get up and stand by the entrance of the church, thanking people for coming as they entered. Most people gawked at me, everyone knew that I had spent the summer in a mental hospital and they all probably heard about my suicide attempt. People glared at Daniel, either giving him the up-down or a curious stare.
When the service started I sat next to Daniel in the front row and watched in silence until it was my turn to speak. I got up and stood at the podium and looked over at the casket that held my dead baby brother.
"My brother Sam was supposed to be a successful man. At his young age he did not know what his future held, nor did he care. But just by looking at him and talking with him there was a sense of maturity. There is no doubt in my mind that Sam had an ancient soul, one who has lived many lives prior to this short one. I always believed that he would grow up to do whatever he wanted, whether that be a doctor or lawyer or writer or actor. He was a gentleman and would be the most fought over boy his entire life, his looks catching glances of straight men. My brother was beautiful inside and out and the strongest boy I have ever met and the most developed person I have ever met. Sadly, my brother will never meet the girl of his dreams, experiencing heartbreak and the high of falling in love. He will never experience the triumph of getting into the college he wanted to or receiving the promotion he tried so hard to achieve. He will never travel the world or drive a car or understand what it's like to lose the one you love. I wish I could have been with him this summer; it feels as though I have lost so much time. But my brother has helped me in more ways than one and will never leave my heart. I loved my brother more than I loved myself and he did not deserve to die because he was full of so much promise. But I know he would want nothing more than for all of us to continue with our lives and not allow the pain to control us.
"I met a boy recently who reminded me of Sam. He's charming and handsome and full of so much promise. Sometimes I am not the best to him even though he would give his life for me. And I love him very dearly. I dare everyone to find that person who seems perfect in and fall in love with their flaws. Love more passionately and dream bigger in the honor of a boy who did so but never was able to carry out his life till the rightful old age he deserved."
I walked down from the stand and walked down the aisle and outside as tears streamed down my face. My brother was truly gone and he wasn't coming back.
The door opened and I saw Daniel and ran into his open arms, crying into my father's suit. Daniel smelled like sweat and the sweet tinge of the hospital. He wrapped his arms around me so hard that I couldn't breathe but I didn't care. My body shook as sobs escaped my mouth. Daniel ran his hands through my hair and kissed the top of my head.
"What you said was beautiful," Daniel said.
"I can't believe he's really gone now."
"He'll always be here, Casey. You know that."
I pulled away from him and gave him a look. "But he won't. I'll never hear his voice again or watch him grow up or be engulfed by his hug. I know he'll be here in spirit or whatever and I'll never forget him but it's not the same thing. It's not fair."
"I know," Daniel said and hugged me, pressing his lips to my ear. "But life isn't fair." Daniel pulled me away from him and wiped away the tears that streamed down my face. "You're so goddamn beautiful."
"No I'm not. My mascara is running everywhere and my face is red and puffy."
"You're also strong," he whispered. "And brave, confident, charming, intelligent. I'm so luck I met you Casey King."
I looked up at him as tears streamed down my face even harder. "You're making me cry even harder."
Daniel ran his fingers across my lips and smiled at me. My chest tightened with his touch and even though my brother should've been on my mind he wasn't: Daniel was. My throat closed and it was hard to breathe. Daniel leaned in to kiss me and I leaned into him, his lips touching mine in a tender kiss. My stomach whirled and I pulled back, afraid I was going to throw up. I leaned into Daniel's chest and let a small chuckle escape my lips.
The doors to the church opened and everyone sulked out. Some people told me that my speech was beautiful, others offered their sincerest apologies, most told me they were here for me. When my ex-boyfriend. Rick, walked up to Daniel and I tensed.
"That was a beautiful speech Casey," he said. "I'm truly sorry for your loss; I know you and Sam were close. Let me know if you need anything from me, I'm always here. Just because we dated doesn't mean we can't be friends right?" I just stared at him. He looked over at Daniel. "You two a couple?"
At that moment I wanted to punch him. At a party earlier this summer I had taken Daniel and Sammy so they could really enjoy their summer. The party ended up making me feel extremely shitty all because of Rick and he left Daniel to take care of me. I can't believe I ever dated him. He's a cheating, lying son of a bitch.
"Yes," Daniel answered.
"You're one lucky man. She's a special one that's for sure. Treat her well, make sure you keep her. Losing her really sucks; having her not belong to you anymore leaves an empty feeling within you."
"I find that to be complete bullshit considering you never treated her with respect since you cheated on her," Daniel said, his tone stern. "But, she doesn't belong to me or anyone for that matter. She is her own independent woman who will never be defined by a man. So, if you do not mind, I am going to love Casey with more respect and admiration than you are capable for producing."
Rick was speechless and so was I. Daniel grabbed my hand and kissed my cheek and walked me away from my ex, leaving him staring at us with an open mouth. It felt good to be stood up for. I leaned into Daniel and kissed his jaw as we walked back to my parent's car. Daniel made me forget about my loss and he made me happy and that's all I need in life. God, I love him so goddamn much.
***
When we got back to the hospital we went to Daniel's room and sat down on his bed. My brother is dead, lying in the ground as I speak, and here I am, having to go on with life. It's completely frustrating and unfair. I'm so enraged with life that I can't image a better way to fix everything than to just leave. Death is release. Death is comfort. And sitting Daniel's bed I stared the Grim Reaper in the eyes, feeling the bitter taste of his cold embrace.
"You okay there?" Daniel asked, his words warm and comforting, bringing me back to reality.
"No," I whispered and started crying. Daniel opened his arms and I fell into them, breathing him in. From the corner of my eye the Grim Reaper slipped away, promising to return later.
"Just think," he said, "you have four weeks left in here and then you're out."
"I don't think we can be together anymore," I spat out, almost suffocating on my words. With my plans of death it felt right to leave Daniel now rather than abruptly.
Daniel leaned back so he could look at me. Hurt crossed his face; he was so happy with me and had no clue why I didn't want to be with him. The thing was I really, really wanted to be with him. It's just...I have to distance myself so I don't hurt so many people when I leave. When a great aunt dies it doesn't hurt because you didn't know them. If I don't talk to people then they will feel the same about my death as they would over a great aunt.
"Why?" he asked, tears peeking out from his eyes. "I thought we were going to be together, if not forever, for at least a while. What about me living with you or us going to college together and getting an apartment? I just don't understand."
"Because," I said but then choked on my tears. Daniel started patting my back to force me to cough. Once I did, I was able to continue talking. "I've made plans for when I get out of here. The pain is unbearable and I have no other way to end it than take my own life so I can live with my brother. I'm sorry Daniel but I thought it would be better to end it now rather than by death."
Daniel stood up and knocked the lamp off his bedside table. The lamp hit the ground with a crash. He put his hands over his head and ran his hands through his hair, taking deep breaths through the process. I'd never seen Daniel mad. His violent behavior terrified me; what if he hurts me next? I had never felt unsafe with Daniel until now.
"I'm not letting you do that," he said when he turned to face me.
"You can't stop me."
"Yes I can. I can tell someone right now that you have plans to kill yourself and need to go back into high security until you tell me the secret. Clearly you're very convincing; you could be an actress if you were planning to live.
"You know Sam would never want you to kill yourself over him. He'd want you to live your life fully. And if you kill yourself I am coming right after you because you are the only good thing that has happened to me in this life. Do you want to carry that with you in your death? That you caused someone to kill himself?"
I pulled my knees into my chest as Daniel paced the room. I had no doubt in my mind that he was going to hit me.
"You're such a strong girl, Casey. What happened to all that strength?" he asked, his face centimeters from mine. His breath warmed my face, causing me to turn my head away from him.
"You're scaring me," I whispered.
"I'm in here for a reason, Casey, remember? You never see the crazy side of me but here it is." He opened his arms. "Take it or leave it."
In that moment I just wanted to bang my head against the wall into my skull cracked. At the same time I wanted to run into Daniel's arms and tell him everything was going to be okay. I just sat there, staring. I broke Daniel, it's my entire fault.
Sobs and moans escaped my mouth. I wanted the situation to be over right then. A scream escaped my throat, turning into, "I take it back!" I continued to cry after I screamed, the warm tears soothing my raw throat. Daniel slowly sat down by me and pulled me into his arms, whispering sweet nothings into my ears. He apologized for how he had just behaved. I felt so confused in the sudden change of tone. Sleep called me.
"Do you believe in God?" Daniel whispered in my ear.
I sat in his arms. Normally in his arms I feel welcome, now I feel uncomfortable. Maybe this was the end of our relationship.
"I don't believe a God would kill innocent people."
We sat in uncomfortable silence for a while. I couldn't let go of how I felt when Daniel got angry: I was so terrified he was going to hit me. What if he actually had?
"Maybe if I didn't live in the United States this wouldn't have happened. We should lower our drinking age. Making teens wait so long makes them go ape shit and abuse it once they can legally drink. If we just incorporated casual drinking it would actually be land of the free and home of the brave instead of land of the insane and home of criminals."
"Everything happens for a reason," Daniel sang.
"Then having my brother on this earth to only be killed is a sick joke."
We sat in silence once again. Surprisingly no one came into Daniel's room during the chaos that had unfolded. I'm guessing we were pretty loud. They probably just thought we were having sex. In their minds we're still the perfect couple even though we are far from.
"I thought you were going to hurt me," I whispered, afraid to say the words aloud.
"I was afraid I was going to hurt you too. It's just that I care about you more than life itself and I cannot describe how much it enrages me when you're in pain and I can't help. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Or don't, I understand either way. If you want to kill yourself you can but I will send you into high security or keep you here if I know you're going to harm yourself. You're stronger than that; death is the easy way out."
I leaned my face into his chest and breathed him in. My entire body was numb and exhausted. I became comfortable in Daniel's arms but was still on edge about how he made me feel. Soon my breaths evened out and my eyes fluttered and my world went black, the last thing I felt was a kiss from Daniel until I fell under.