Chapter Twelve
Week six in a mental hospital and I’ve never been happier in my life. I have my best friend at my side and my boyfriend. I’ve learned life isn’t perfect; and I know it never will be either. But that’s okay. You have to make the best of what you have. Look in the positive in life. Work hard for what you believe you deserve. And each person deserves happiness. Some just don’t work hard for it. Happiness is earned, not given. It’s hard to earn but it is so worth it.
Talking to people about their future is my favorite thing because I believe there is no greater human emotion than passion. Speaking to someone about what they’re passionate about is memorizing. You can feel there want in every word and their drive in their eyes. That’s why I love being a teenager. Literally anything is possible and we can do whatever we want. Talk to an adult about the future and they talk to you about maybe getting a car. Talk to a teen about the future…they tell you what disease they’ll cure or what physiological theory they’ll create.
Passion is what keeps a person going. Because without a purpose there is no meaning to life.
“I want to marry a writer,” Sammy told me as we sat in her room. Daniel was off helping people; not being with him was kind of nice. We’re always together, which I love, but separation builds a relationship. And Sammy and I need a good girl talk.
“So you two can collaborate? Ask for each other’s thoughts on ideas? Oh! You two can have a joined den, each with your own desk. And you can have late night writing sessions. Okay, I am marrying a writer too even though I am not one.”
“Maybe you are one, you never know till you try.”
“I love your optimism, hun, but I am no writer. I don’t share emotions well.”
“You used to be bad at sharing emotions. Last time I checked the story is different now.” Sammy smiled at me.
“Yeah I guess…I just don’t have passion for it. You do though. I envy that though, your passion and ability to write beautifully.”
“A broken mind creates beautiful words. But, a husband writer would be the best. No bias, writers are the best. Just the deep thoughts that are created out of these minds. Worlds that only exists in one human’s mind. Ideas and concepts unheard of that are just magically put in a person’s mind. Writing explains human thought. It shows what humans ultimately desire: love. It shows what humans hate: conflict, and not reaching this love. It expresses the deepest human thoughts that no one talks about but everyone has: suicidal thoughts, depression, and the dark spirit that persuades us to stop. It expresses the passion and hope of mankind: overcoming these dark days, striving for what we believe we deserve, and above all, the overpowering human nature of wanting to be better and to help others.”
“What inspires your books?” I asked her, completely intrigued by her thoughts. I could feel the passion rolling off her skin with every word she spoke. Talking about the future makes me happy.
“Anything. This place mostly. The never ending hell that is my life. The cage I’m stuck in known as my mind. The demon that whispers to me, the one who put me in here. But also the angel who tells me to keep going, who for some reason makes me think I might be okay. Just life,” she said, smiling.
“That’s great. When you get out of here and become famous I will be able to say I knew her, she’s the reason I got out of that hell hole.”
“I don’t understand why you’re depressed,” Sammy said, looking at me with a confused look. “You seem so happy all the time. You are so optimistic and…I just don’t get it…”
“I don’t understand why you’re here either but we all have our own demons, even the ones who have the best life.”
Sammy looked down and started chuckling, shaking her head.
“What?” I asked, leaning into her.
“You say you don’t write well beautifully but you say the most quote worthy things, Casey.”
I shrugged.
“Don’t act so humble. Write one day. Just sit at the computer and bleed; it’s easy I promise you. The thoughts just come.”
Daniel knocked at my door after dinner was over with and I was talking to Sammy.
“My dear, tonight we will be enjoying a movie night in the common area. The entire ward is joining us.” He smiled his big smile that makes me wonder why his cheeks never hurt. Strange to think behind that smile was a little boy screaming and crying about his lost parents and dead brother.
“Sounds perfect.”
“Down in ten minutes okay?”
I nodded and he walked out. I was about to turn to Sammy to talk to her but Daniel ran back in, jumping on me and kissing me.
“Sorry,” he said, “I couldn’t contain myself.”
When Daniel walked out again and I knew for sure that he wasn’t coming back I looked at Sammy. She stared at me, a mix of unreadable emotions expressed on her face.
“Your relationship inspires me. It’s that light in all the darkness and is so beautiful.”
I started smiling uncontrollably, lifting my sheets to cover my smile. I am so happy. So, so, so happy. Love is an amazing human emotion. It can make you feel invincible when it’s around. I can do anything when I am with Daniel. I feel such an overwhelming feeling I cannot express when I am around. One that makes my chest hurt and my stomach churn. But when it’s taken away it kills, like a dagger to the heart. Each breath a struggle to find a meaning to this never ending hell hole called life. So cherish the good. And remember, the pain you’re feeling today will not amount to the love you’ll feel on day. It’s true for me.
I ran down to the main area and jumped on Daniel’s back, taking him off guard. Surprisingly, he stayed strong, steady as a rock, even though he didn’t expect me. This boy’s strength impresses me every day.
I kissed him on the cheek and then jumped off his back, taking his hand. I lifted his hand; finger’s intertwined with mine, up to my face, leaning into his touch.
As Daniel talked to all the patients, the nurses watching in awe, I leaned into him, playing with him. I think the nurses all secretly have a crush on Daniel. He’s such a strong, handsome, smart, genuine, gentleman of a guy that they all wish their husbands were like or hope their sons are like. Thank God I have him. Thank God. Thank God.
Tonight we would be watching mostly PG movies but there was an occasional PG-13, a gift from the nurses. I love my nurses. And the staff here. They give so much to me and everyone here. All they want to do is help; and I am so goddamn thankful for that.
Everyone grabbed chairs and sat down, ready to watch. Some sat on the couches in the lounge area. Daniel and I refused to sit on the couches but everyone insisted that we do so since it was supposed to be our date. I wanted to fight but I knew the patients wouldn’t give up and having a couch with just Daniel and I would be nice. To these patients Daniel and I are a beacon of hope, proof that love can be found in a hopeless place. I hope they all find saviors in someone, someone who will show them that they are their own savior like Daniel has shown me.
As everyone else watched the movie Daniel and I cuddled together, not watching but tracing each other. I always had one of Daniel’s hands, playing with it, kissing it, pressing it against my cheek. Daniel traced his fingers up and down my body, sending chills through my entire body. Sometimes he’d kiss my neck or shoulder or head or take my hand and kiss my fingertips. He’d press his cheek to mine, kissing me as he acted like he was watching the movie. In all honesty I didn’t process any of the movies we watched; I was too concentrated on Daniel’s touch.
We never kissed; out of kindness for our fellow patients. At one point though we faced each other, examining each other. Daniel traced his finger over my face, every lump and dip. He ran his fingers down my neck and traced my veins and collarbone. He ran down his finger down my arm and moved each finger. He ran his finger up my arm and down my side, following my curves. He ran down my leg to my feet where he stopped and went back up. All through this process he watched his finger with intensity, never looking up into my curious eyes that stared into his face.
He ran back up to my hand, taking it into his and kissing my fingertips. He pressed my hand against his face, like I do to him. And then and only then did he look up at me. His look shook my soul, entering every millimeter of my body and filling me with restless energy.
“You deserve so much. You’re so beautiful, inside and out. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different. You’re worth it, as long as you know that you’ll be okay.” He smiled at me. I looked at him, my lip quivering. I leaned into him, pressing my head to his neck, his head on top of mine. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into him and holding me tight.
My last memory of that night was of Daniel carrying me to bed. My limp body finally going to sleep in complete bliss.
***
I sat with my parents, Racheal, and my brother, Sam. Sitting in the room actually happy took all the pressure off the meeting. Racheal had nothing but good news to tell my parents: I was getting better, happier than I’d ever been before, so good I might lessen my happy pills. I knew that Daniel was waiting outside for me, his arms ready for an embrace. And I had my brother next to me. My brother. I love him so much. And miss him so much.
“Six weeks and I’ll be out of here and back to hang out with you,” I told Sam. A smile lit up on his face, a smile that reminded me of Daniel. I can’t wait for Daniel and Sam to actually get a chance to know each other. I know they’ll love each other. Daniel will love him like his lost brother, Spencer. And Sam will just enjoy me having a nice boyfriend who he actually meets. Sam will approve of Daniel, what family wouldn’t? Well, I guess his own family didn’t, but they didn’t allow their son to show them how smart and fantastic he is.
“We miss you at home,” my mother said.
“Sometimes I miss home,” I said. In all honesty sometimes I did miss home. Nothing about the home atmosphere: friends, parents, cheer, school, the whole not being who I want to be. But I did miss my bed and wearing all my clothes. I missed seeing Sam every day. I mostly missed Sam. But here I have peace. No stress about school or friends or parents or what to wear. I can be who I want to be and say what I want to say. I have an amazing roommate who I have become best friends with. And I have Daniel. Especially I have Daniel. Without Daniel I would be gone.
Maybe Daniel can come home with me. I’m sure my father wouldn’t enjoy my boyfriend living with me but he makes me happy and he shouldn’t spend his senior year in that mental hospital. He deserves to go to public school and experience the rollercoaster ride it is. And I wouldn’t want him to experience no school before going to college. He’ll do fine, great actually, he makes friends easily, but I still worry about him.
“Are you happy, dear?” my mother asked me.
“Happier than I have ever been in my entire life. It’s great here. I’ve found friends and love and I feel accepted and me here. Hopefully going back home won’t ruin that.” I smiled at my last comment. Even though I am happy I’m still a bitch. My wounds are still healing, and my mother is one of those wounds.
“Well, we will see you next week, Mr. and Mrs. King and Sam,” Racheal said, smiling at each of my family members. “Have a good week.”
My parents hugged me and I hugged Sam longer, for some reason I felt like I needed to give him a big tight hug. Maybe it’s just Monday is a long time to wait for seeing him. There are phone calls but it’s not the same.
My parents walked out and I watched them go, almost wishing I could join them. But then I turned around, out the door into Daniel’s arms. I started crying and he kissed my head and asked me what was wrong. I was crying too hard to respond so he let me calm down, whipping away my tears with his thumbs, and holding my face in his hands. I put my hands on his forearms, holding myself up.
“What’s wrong?” he asked me.
“It’s just hard,” I said and forced a smile. “I miss my brother a lot and even sometimes I miss my parents. I miss my bed and not having to talk to someone about how I feel all day.”
“I wish I could understand what you’re feeling but I can’t. I do know you are strong and survived six weeks can survive another six weeks.”
I nodded my head. He smiled at me and then kissed my cheek. I took his hand and we went up to his room, sitting across from each other on his bed. We didn’t really talk. Just stared off in the distance, lost in each other’s thoughts. After ten minutes of silence I got up the nerve to ask him if he would move into my house, join my school for senior year. He could help me with the transition back to my suck ass life and I could help him transition back to normal people life.
“Maybe. If your parents would allow their daughter’s boyfriend to stay in the same house. And if I can get into the school.”
“They’ll let you say if they hear your story and know you keep me sane. And you’ll get into my school, it’s public and you’re a genius.”
He smiled at me. “We’ll talk to them Monday.”
“I don’t know if I can wait.”
He leaned across the bed and kissed me. “You’ll have to wait.”
Daniel stood at my door, our next date set up. Sammy was reading a book, like always. I realized that I never see her write. I have no idea when or where she does it, but I want to see her writing. It’s probably amazing. The most scarred minds are the most beautiful. Her insanity turns into words of gold.
“Tonight, my dear, we will be going someplace fun. And Sammy will be coming too.”
“Alright. I need out of here. Fresh air is always good.”
“Surprised she didn’t fight,” I said.
“And we leave now,” Daniel said, running down the hall. Sammy and I looked at each other and decided we should probably follow him. We got out of our beds and put on our slippers and ran off after him. We got to the main desk and asked the nurses if Daniel had left and they said yes. We ran outside, taking in the crisp summer air, and saw Daniel in his Jeep, already started, music blaring. Sammy and I looked at each other, laughed, and ran to Daniel’s car, hopping in to enjoy a night out.
“Laser tag?” Sammy asked when we pulled up.
“Hell yes. Laser tag is the most fun activity a person can do.”
We walked into the laser tag place and Daniel told us to sit down while he got everything situated. There weren’t too many people waiting around, which makes sense since it’s a Wednesday night. It was mostly bored teenagers who wanted to get out of the house. We were getting weird looks, like normal. It’s weird to see teens dressed up in all sweats and a blank shirt and slippers. Not to mention all this stuff is grey. Not your normal get up. I miss my normal clothes sometimes but at least the hospital clothes are comfortable.
Daniel got everything figured out and then we were off getting ready. We were playing with the group of other teenagers. There group was bigger though so some of them had to team up with us. They were surprisingly nice, starting conversation with us and getting competitive with their friends. For once in my life I felt normal amongst a big group of teenagers. Who knew I could be happy in a big group of humans.
As we stood and waited to go in we talked with the group. Daniel and I held hands as Sammy stood next to us, making effortless conversation. The thing with Daniel and Sammy is I know they’re smarter and better than me in every way but it doesn’t intimidate me. I feel comfortable with them, not threatened. I am me and they are them and that’s all that matters.
“How long have you two been dating,” a girl asked, looking at Daniel and I’s intertwined hands.
Daniel and I looked at each other and laughed. The teens had confused looks on each other’s faces.
“Sorry,” I said. “It’s just funny because of, well, no secrets right? And you’re probably wondering why we’re wearing what we are wearing. We are all patients at a mental hospital. I was put in at the beginning at the summer and hated him at first.” I leaned into Daniel, putting my other arm on his bicep. But he grew on me and I’ve never been happier.”
“Casey King?” one asked. I didn’t recognize any of these kids but I was a really popular girl who hung out with people from all schools.
I nodded my head.
“You’re all everyone talks about,” a guy said. “Went to a mental hospital for her three suicide attempts and serious depression. Rick misses you and feels guilty, if you were wondering.”
“I wasn’t,” I said sassily. “He visited me and explained his situation. But the reason I’m in this crazy house is because I hated my life. I never wanted to live it. I was pushed into it by my mother. I never felt loved my any of my friends or boyfriends. You can let everyone know Casey King is happy and won’t be the same when she returns.”
“People said you were a bitch but you’re actually a really sweet person,” a girl said.
I smiled at her. “Bitchiness is a side effect of unhappiness.”
The game of laser tag was extremely fun. I made best friends with absolute strangers who have heard of me but not the real me. The first outing of the new Casey. And it felt good to have them spread the news of my change, that I was happy and not coming back as the person I was before I left. A clean slate, a new person. I’d survive going back into the real world.
***
Sunday morning and Daniel had something really special planned. He said we’d spend the entire night out which made me nervous, what would we be doing for an entire night? But until then I got to stress and have coffee with Daniel and Sammy. For once I almost wished there was therapy today so I could take my mind off everything. Thankfully I had a different kind of therapy: girl talk with Sammy therapy.
“An entire night out,” Sammy said. “I know what you two are doing.” She raised her eye brows at me and bit her lip.
My stomach jumped out of my stomach. I knew that I loved Daniel and he loved me but we had yet to say it out loud. And yes I want to take it all the way with him so bad you don’t even understand. But its nerve racking to think it might actually happen. And it makes me slightly disappointed he’s planning it. But he doesn’t seem the type to plan sex, but he is a guy. Oh well, whatever happens tonight at least I’ll be with him.
“Maybe. Or maybe we’ll watch TV all night. Oh my gosh I haven’t watched TV in so long I am so deprived!”
“Okay honey, have fun ‘watching TV’?”
“Don’t air quote me!” I said, swatting my hand at her hands.
“I’m just saying,” she said, shrugging. I rolled my eyes at her and sat back against the wall.
“Just wear protection.”
“Sammy.”
“Just saying.”
There was silence for a while and then Sammy broke it by saying, “No glove, no love.”
I slapped her and didn’t stop until she begged for mercy. “Hey, hey, hey! I’m just looking out for you too. And in all seriousness I am very happy for you two, there is no doubt you’re meant for each other. Have fun tonight, don’t do stupid shit, and don’t do anything you don’t want to. And if you two get close, know that’ll be hella uncomfortable but it’s with the person you love so it’ll be okay.” She smiled at me. I sat back and looked at Sammy and smiled at her. She got super uncomfortable and then I hugged her.
“You’re like a super cool sister that I never had.”
“Same here,” she whispered. “Same here.”
Daniel entered my room right before we would leave to have dinner. Sammy told us to have fun and didn’t forget to include numerous condom and sex related jokes. It got a little uncomfortable but once she was gone and I looked up into Daniel’s eyes. He smiled at me and pulled me closer to him, his arm around my waist. He kissed the top of my head and took my hand, leading me out to his car. The rest of the patients watched us leave as they ate their dinners. Yet again Sammy yelled some inappropriate things but Daniel and I just went on our way. He was leading and I’d willfully follow.
I got into Daniel’s car and looked in his back seat, there were numerous items: blankets, a basket full of what I guessed was food, tapes, pillows. I wondered where he got everything but then expected it was all from the hospital and the nurses. They had a ton of trust in us to let us leave the hospital so often. We could easily kill ourselves. But they know and we know that we’d never kill each other, we’re too happy together.
Daniel looked over at me, smiling wide. I know I say this every time, but I’ve never seen a person smile so wide in my entire life. Every time he smiles it’s even wider than before; I don’t know how his cheeks haven’t fallen off yet. His smile lights up a room, literally warms hearts. It’s a good thing he wants to be a psychologist because he’ll heal minds with just his looks, which is slightly concerning for me. If he goes back to high school with me every girl will want him for his drop dead gorgeous looks and the fact that he’s new. I know he will be loyal, never leaving my side no matter the temptation, but I still worry. I’ll probably get some hate for dating him: Casey King yet again getting the perfect guy, what’s new. Who cares though? As long as I have him.
“Where are we off to?” I asked him, my hand on his. He looked over at me, one of his hands on the wheel and the other holding the key.
“To a magical night.” He smiled at me and put the key into the ignition and started the car. “Just sit back and relax, I’ll get you back in one piece. Just in time to see your parents.”
“All gross and dirty and probably extremely sleep deprived?”
He looked over at me and nodded in agreement with my statement. “Good thing it’s your parents and you can take a nap.” He looked over at me and smiled. I acted mad at him. Daniel put his hand on top of mine and squeezed it, he watched the road as he said, “You won’t regret tonight, it’ll be fun and totally safe. I’ll make sure you’re asleep at a reasonable hour and we can also get home a little early if you want to shower.”
“I’m just messing with you, Dan.”
“I know. I’m just putting it out there.”
What a catch his is. How was I so lucky to get a guy who puts out a compromise even when I’m joking because he knows just maybe I’m not. I’m so freaking lucky it hurts. I love this guy so much my entire body aches in his presence, my heart on fire and my lugs gasping for breath. And I will never take him for granted. Never ever. I don’t deserve him and he thinks he doesn’t deserve me but we both know we’re meant for each other.
God acts in weird ways. Giving hope in a burning hell. The pain you endure will never amount to the love you will feel one day, for I can promise that.
Daniel pulled into an open space, somewhere I’d never been before. I wondered where he’d found it, considering he spent a lot of his time in the hospital, only leaving with me and on Sunday mornings for coffee. But maybe prior to me he and Sammy would take drives, exploring the outside world. Craving the life that they missed out on. Daniel and Sammy never talked about their friendship before I came, always just explaining their meeting. I know that Sammy liked him but Daniel didn’t like her back, maybe that ruined some stuff. Or they kissed one time. I really need to stop over thinking.
Daniel opened my door and let me out. I stood in the clearing and took in the view as Daniel took everything out of his car and set it up. A picnic for two under the stars.
“Where did you find this spot?” I asked him, coming up behind him and leaning my head on his arm, kissing it, imagining the skin behind the cotton.
“I was driving one day, the nurses let me run some errands, and I saw it this group of trees. So I stopped my car and walked out here to find it was completed secluded, almost like an island. You can’t hear the road and it almost feels like you’re out in the woods, away from it all. There’s no cell service and the forest doesn’t cram you in a room, it doesn’t tell you if you’re sane or not. I come here a lot, actually. No matter what the forest treats you the same and the fresh air is refreshing. “
I wrapped my arms around Daniel and he put his hands on mine. I kissed his back, comforting him. It’s so hard to remember that Daniel has problems too, struggling daily with the loss of his parents and brother. You think I would never forget, considering it’s a big event and he was in the hospital for some reason. But he always seems to be happy, and he is most of the time. It’s just stupid of me to forget he’s human too. No one is perfect.
“But off that point,” Daniel said, his voice preppy and jumpy. I turned him around and kissed him tenderly. He held on to me, leaning into me. I kissed his collarbone, leaning my head on his chest. I ran my fingers up and down his back, relaxing him. He kissed my neck and pulled away from me.
“This is a fun night!” he said. “So let’s have fun, okay?”
I nodded. He looked down at me and smiled, kissing me quickly. Daniel then went down to his basket, laying out a blanket and pulling out food. Tonight we’d be dinning on fast food. Romantic? No. But I haven’t eaten fast food since I came to the hospital and I’ve been craving it hard core.
“How did you hide the smell of Chick-Fil-A?” I asked him.
“Ouch! Your face lighted up more when I pulled the food out than whenever you’ve seen me!”
I leaned into him, pushing him playfully. “That’s a lie! You make me so much happier than fast food, but I haven’t eaten fast food in six weeks and I am more than deprived.”
He put his arm around my neck and pulled me into him, kissing me on top of my head. He whispered in my ear, his hot breath on my skin, “You fell asleep in the car, that’s why you didn’t notice the smell.”
I pulled away from him. “WHAT! How did I fall asleep and not know? Did you drug me?”
Daniel started laughing at my behavior but I was actually seriously concerned that I was drugged. “I didn’t drug you,” he said after he caught his breath. “You fell asleep and it worked perfectly. If you hadn’t you just would’ve known what dinner was.”
“But…there’s food in the basket.”
“Breakfast, sweetheart.”
I leaned into him, pounding my hands gently on his chest. “I am so stupid.”
Daniel shook his head at me and pat me on the back. “We all have our moments. Would you enjoy eating?”
I pulled away from him and smiled, nodding frantically. We sat down on the blanket he laid out and I enjoyed my chicken sandwich and fries. Every morsel was heavenly, I wanted to eat the whole thing in one bite but I decided to savor it. I still ate quite fast though; I was very hungry and very excited to be eating non-hospital food.
As I ate I took in the scenery of the environment around me. Daniel was right, this place is very peaceful. It made me forget about life, where I’ve been and where I am. It made me forget about my illness and struggle to be better and the fact that I have so much homework to do. Everything went away except for Daniel and the nature around me. I felt normal, whatever normal may be.
“I have never seen someone so happy in my entire life,” Daniel said after I finished off my food.
“I’m just impressed you remembered me saying I love Chick-Fil-A number one with cookies n’ cream milkshake.”
“Why would I forget that? Everything you say is precious.”
I blushed and slapped him. He was too sweet. Way too sweet. A picnic dinner in the middle of a foresty area cut off from everything else. He remembered my favorite fast food place and order and probably has a bunch of other things I’ve mentioned. And as night fell and I was absorbed by the warm summer air I felt full. Full of food and life.
Daniel turned on his car’s headlights and turned the radio up loud enough we’d hear it from in front of his car. He ran to the basket and pulled out a bottle of champagne and two glasses and a box of what appeared to be chocolate covered strawberries. My eyes lit up. How in the name of hell did the nurses allow him to get us alcohol?
“Daniel,” I said, my hand rushing up to my mouth.
Concern flashed across his face. “Is alcohol not okay? I’m totally sorry, oh my god I am so stupid. I thought it was too much but I told myself—”
I leaned across the blanket to kiss him, shutting him up. When I pulled away I whispered to him, “This is perfect, all of it. Thank you.” Before he had time to respond I leaned in to kiss him again, pulling him closer to me. He crawled over to me so we didn’t have to awkwardly kiss each other. He pushed my hair behind my ears and put his hand under my jaw, pulling my lips towards his.
He kissed my collarbone and then my lips again, his hot breath on my skin.
“You know you’re beautiful right?” Daniel said. “And strong. And everything a man could ever want. I only give people what I think they deserve, and with you I will never be able to give enough.”
I leaned up on my forearms and looked deep into his blue eyes. Eyes are the key to the soul and I loved looking into Daniel’s soul. His beautifully scarred soul. I put my hand on his chest.
“If anyone doesn’t deserve anyone it’s me not deserving you. Daniel, I’ve always felt comfort in you. From day one I felt it so I covered it up by being a huge bitch; of course you knew that wasn’t me. And soon the feeling overcame me so I gave in. Daniel, every time I see you I want to tell you about my day, boring or not, even if you were right there with me. I want to tell you stupid joked I’ve heard and nights that I actually enjoyed the life I had. I want to tell you everything about me and I can’t even explain why but I just have this intense connection with you that I cannot explain. I was scared of it at first, but I’ve learned that loving you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Every time I see you I get butterflies and every time you kiss me my heart races and I feel alive. You made me feel real, Daniel. I can never express how thankful I am for that.”
Daniel looked from my lips to my eyes, his eyes dashing back and forth. I just wanted him to say something, anything. Or to kiss me or open the alcohol. I just wanted him. In every way possible I wanted him.
Daniel brushed his thumb against my cheek, putting his hand under my jaw. He tilted his head to the side, leaning in to me. He leaned in slowly, my body wishing his lips were already on mine. As the tension built my mind was going crazy. I needed his lips on mine.
“Just kiss me goddamn,” I whispered, choking on my own words. Daniel smiled, pausing right before our lips would’ve touched. I couldn’t handle it anymore and wrapped my fingers around his neck and pulled him into me, tasting his sweetness on my lips. I started kissing him harder and harder. He ran his hands up and down my back as he kissed me and I pushed into him, being aggressive. I just wanted him so badly.
Daniel took off my shirt, pulling me closer to him. He grabbed a blanket as we continued to kiss, wrapping it around us. I pulled off his shirt, throwing it to the side. I kissed him harder and harder, pressing my chest against him so I could have his skin touching mine.
He kissed me, from my lips down to my neck down to my stomach down to my hips. Between kisses he told me I was gorgeous. I pulled him close to me, kissing his ear as he took off my sweats. Once mine were off he started kissing my neck as I tried to take off his sweats, having him kiss me distracted me to it took some time. The music from Daniel’s car hummed in the background with the crickets.
Daniel looked me up and down, taking me all in. My legs were wrapped around his waist and his hands rested on my back as his eyes devoured me. We hadn’t even had booze and were already undressed. Hopefully the bottle wouldn’t go wasted.
“I love you Casey King,” Daniel said. “I’ve never been so hopelessly and effortlessly in love. And I just want to scream on the top of my lungs that I’ve found my soulmate and that she is perfect.”
“I love you too Daniel. I love you so freaking much.”
“You know you don’t have to do this, right?”
I nodded and whispered, “I want to.”
He smiled and took me in one last time before he kissed me harder than before.
I woke up slowly and groggily, turning over to see Daniel wrapped up in a blanket. I was also wrapped up in a blanket, the night coming back to me. Daniel and I spent the entire night kissing and doing other things of the sort. We also enjoyed some champagne, learning more things about each other as we talked wrapped in blankets. His skin on mine, as close as two humans can be. I felt high.
“Good morning,” Daniel said with a goofy smile on his face.
I leaned over and kissed him. “I could get used to this every morning.”
Daniel moaned in agreement. “You look beautiful, by the way.”
I leaned into him, letting him wrap his arm around me. He kissed the top of my head and then asked if I was hungry. I was, surprisingly. We had eaten all the chocolate covered strawberries and other snacks that Daniel had packed as we talked last night. Oh last night, it was perfect.
We ate our breakfast still wrapped up in blankets. Occasionally Daniel would kiss me or tell me I was beautiful. I loved him, I loved him so much and I am so glad we’ve said it out loud. If I heard that a couple said I love you before six months I would say they weren’t going to last, which is true. But not for Daniel and I, words cannot express how much I love him and how much he loves me.
Daniel and I took our time getting ready, kissing each other often. Before getting in the car Daniel picked me up and kissed me, running around screaming on the top of his lungs he loved me. I’ve never been happier in my entire life.
***
We walked into the hospital, holding hands and occasionally kissing each other. I love him so much. Daniel Gentoo is my light and world. When I look at him my chest instantly hurts, the feelings within me so overwhelming it makes it hard to breathe. My stomach aching with passion, just wanting to kiss and love him, show him how much he means to me.
“I love you so much,” I whispered in his ear, leaning into his arm.
He kissed the top of my head, resting his head on top of mine. “I know. I love you so much, too.”
I kissed his arm and then looked up, startled to see my mother and father. But there was no Sam. I looked up at Daniel with a confused expression and he looked back at me with an expression that mirrored mine. Leaving Daniel I went to my parents, concern rushing through my body. It felt as though someone had filled me with an alien fluid, my body anxious to get whatever was in me out. Why were my parents here? Daniel and I had planned our date so that we would be back at the hospital before my visit. More importantly, where is Sam?
My mother started instantly crying when I reached her; she fell into my father’s chest, hiding her face from everyone else. I felt Daniel behind me and grabbed his hand, pulling him closer to me. Daniel wrapped his arm around me, kissing the top of my head.
“Where’s Sam?” I asked as I fought off tears as thoughts rushed into my head. Racheal stood by dad, the entire hospital staff and patients waiting in silence. I was the hospital’s show, which I never minded until now. Right now I just wanted to be alone with my parents, figure out what was wrong and where my brother was.
My dad started crying and he took a moment.
“Daddy,” I screamed, tears streaming down my face. “Daddy, please tell me he’s not gone.”
My father shook his head and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
I screamed on the top of my lungs until my throat felt raw and torn up. I fell into Daniel’s arms and started punching his chest, taking my anger out. But in reality I did none of this. In reality I was calm and collected. No one can see me break. My biggest fear had come true: I lost my brother, Sam. Sammy. Who would ever take the life out of such innocence? He has so much youth and promise! More than me, clearly. I’m in a flipping mental hospital for God’s sake! Why am I not dead? Why not me instead of him?
I took a deep breath in and let it out, containing myself and warding off the tantrum inside of me. “Who did it? Or how did it happen?”
“Hit and run,” my dad said. “It happened last night. He was running across the street to go over to his friend’s house and forgot to look both ways. The car just ran right over him. A drunk. They stopped, thankfully. But this person was not okay, mentally at least. Later in the night she killed herself, a gun to the mouth. But she suffered minor injuries from the wreck, besides her car getting totaled. But Sam, little Sammy, he was rushed straight to the hospital with critical conditions. We tried to contact you but we couldn’t get either of your cell phones and none of the nurses really knew where you were. He died an hour after going into surgery. Our sweet Sammy is gone.”
I looked up at Daniel, a fit of rage settling within me. Goddamn if I had just gotten out of my stupid head I would have been here to see my brother before he died. Instead I was off making love to a boy who I just met. Stupid, stupid me. While I was off having fun Sam lost his ability to experience the things I was when he was dancing with death. He will never kiss a girl. He will never feel the suffocating pain in your lungs when your loved one is away. He will never fall in love. Never drive a car. Never have children or become the successful man he was meant to be. And while all that time slipped away from him I was with a stupid boy I met six weeks ago.
“I’m so sorry, Casey,” Daniel whispered in my ear.
“Are you okay?” My father asked me.
“Yeah. I’m just super tired and I really need to be alone right now. I’m going to go up to my room if that’s okay? Rest up some and hope when I wake up it won’t hurt as much.” I smiled at my dad and started walking, everyone’s eyes watching my moves.
“I’ll walk you up,” Daniel said, grabbing my wrist.
I shook my head at him and he looked at me with pleading eyes. But he knew I would not give up, so he let go, setting me free.
Walking up to my room my head was spinning, images of Daniel and I the night before mixing with images of me and my brother. Walking I ran into a wall, my vision splitting as my lungs burned and tears fought to stream down my face. Walking I choked on my tears and held down my screams, not wanting to attract attention. Walking I started to run, my head stuffy with images and sounds so loud I couldn’t think. Running I found my room and collapsed into my bed, waiting for the door to close before I started to scream.
I screamed on the top of my lungs for what felt like an eternity but it didn’t lessen the pain in my chest. Sitting up in my bed I whipped off my tears and looked around. What I needed was release. Release by death. All I wanted was to be with my brother, my beautiful Sammy. I was meant to die, not him. He had promise. He had future. I have nothing. One day I’ll kill myself, it’s just a matter of when. Nothing will come of me. But something was going to come of my brother.
My poor parents would lose two children in one morning. I felt bad for them, and for everyone else. It was unfair of me to take my life because one life was gone. But my biggest fear came true. I always said that if Sam died I would follow right behind him and I wasn’t going to break that promise. It was just a matter of what; mental hospitals make it hard to kill yourself.
Searching around the room I ran into the bathroom and tried to break off the rod with no luck. I started screaming again, punching the wall with all my might. I was pissed, infuriated. There has to be something in this room that I can use to kill myself. End my suffering. I’m completely done with life. I fell in love and made friends and felt pain for the biggest part of it. Only recently did my life turn okay, from now on it can only go to hell to why not end it at the peak?
Death is release.
I ran to my bed and pulled off the sheets and ran to the bathroom, wrapping the towel around the rod. Now was the hard part: How to wrap this around my neck and make me die instantly? As I stared at the sheet I started crying again: I needed my release and I needed it now. This was taking too long.
The door creaked open and I smashed my hand into the mirror over the sink, causing it to break. I took a shard and stabbed in my hand, hot blood rushing down my fingertips.
Sammy ran into the bathroom and her hand flew up to her mouth. She shook her head at me and whispered, “Oh, Casey.”
I started crying and dropped the shard of glass from my hand, blood dripping down, numbing my hand. Numb. I wanted to be numb. I wanted bliss. I wanted release. All my blood pooled out around me, my body lifeless. My spirit with my brother.
Sammy screamed out the door, her words inaudible to my ears. She ran back into the bathroom and took the towel by the sink and tried to wrap it around my hand. I backed away from her, like a cowardly animal backing away from a human. I was still crying, a silent stream of tears rushing down my face. Bloody dripped from my hand but I needed to be cut more. More release. I searched the ground for another shard.
“Casey,” Sammy said, swallowing hard. “Look me in the goddamn eyes with I speak to you!” She screamed. My attention was on her but my mind was racing trying to figure out where I could find my release. “I know that you loved your brother more than you loved life itself but that does not mean you can go kill yourself. There are people here that need you. Your parents. They just lost their son, Casey. Don’t be selfish and think you’re the only one hurting from his loss because you did not raise him, your parents did. Daniel needs you. I have never seen that boy happier than when he is with you. He loves you, Casey, I know you know that. And you cannot blame being away with him on him. No one could have seen this tragedy coming. But, most of all, I don’t want to lose you, Casey. You taught me and this entire hospital about speaking your mind and not accepting anything but the best. With you I felt that for once in my life someone understood me. Casey, I know you’re hurting but I’m here to heal you and so is Daniel and the staff and your parents and all the patients here. You gave patients here hope, you and Daniel did. And I don’t want all that is remembered of you to be another bench outside.”
I was hit with an overwhelming woozy feeling. Looking down at my hand I could see blood still trickling down my fingers, I had cut deep. Before looking back up I saw the shard of glass I used to cut my hand and quickly picked it up, cutting deep into my other hand.
Sammy shrieked and tried to come at me but I punched her in the face, causing her to be confused and woozy. As Casey leaned against the wall for support Daniel walked in. I started to moan, not wanting him to see me like this. I held the shard of glass in my hand. My hands dripped blood and my knuckles burned from punching the glass.
The floor was covered with my blood. Not enough of it though. I needed release. Release from this hell hole that is life. A life without my brother is not one I find worth living. I wonder if I can slit my throat before Daniel or anyone can stop me, end my life right here and right now.
“Casey,” Daniel said, tears streaming down his face. “You’re still beautiful, you know? You will always be beautiful to me, not matter if you have a face full of makeup and slutty dress on or if you’re pale with snot and tears on your face. You were so beautiful last night and so happy. If only I knew that your brother was going to die that night, I would’ve never taken you out to that field. It’s my fault that no one could contact us and that you couldn’t see your brother one last time. Hate me forever for that, Casey, I will never allow you to forgive me for that. But please, please don’t do this.” Daniel stopped talking, taken over by tears and emotions. He had my attention, he always had my attention. And as the blood from my hands coated the bathroom floor and my head started to spin I watched him.
“Please don’t kill yourself. I can tell you all the people that will miss you, you know who they are. Sammy will probably hit a rough spot forcing her to spend more time in here right when she was about to leave. All the patients will lose hope, kicking off a suicide rampage. Your parents will go home childless, losing both within a couple of hours. And you know that I won’t be able to handle it. Casey King you changed my life in a matter of seconds. When I first saw you I knew you were different, that you had something special. Man, do you have something special. I do not deserve the love you give me. And even though you hated me at first the amount of emotion I feel when looking at you cannot be described by words. My throat and chest tightens, making it hard to breathe. My stomach is full of butterflies and I feel utterly restless. With you I can fly, Casey. I can do anything, conquer any obstacle and go any distance.”
I was really feeling the blood loss now, my head feeling really light. As I checked the floor I was extremely impressed I could still stand, it felt like all my blood was on the floor. I leaned my head on the wall, forcing myself to not throw up everywhere.
“You are the ultimate love of my life and I do not want to go on living with another loss. But that’s me. You have to live for you. And what will you do in this life? Love me. Unless you don’t want to love me, I’ll leave if you want me to. As long as you stay with here. Your future is as bright as you think your brother’s future was. You are smart and understanding and kind and loving and outstanding in every way possible. You will become a biochemistry major and work in the lab that finds the cure for cancer. You will have a husband who loves you dearly and you two will have three children. You’ll live in the house of your dreams and be the happiest you have ever been in your entire life. Sometimes you’ll miss your brother more than most days, but the ache will always be there. But I hope one day the happiness you experience will conquer that pain. You are beautiful and you are smart. You will accomplish so much more here. And I know your brother would prefer you live your life, he will wait for you when it’s your time.”
Tears started to steam down my face harder. I was too absorbed in Daniel’s words to see a crowd had gathered: Sammy with ice on her face, my parents, Racheal, the nursing staff, doctors, security, and way in the back I could tell patients watched to see what the famous Casey King would do.
Daniel opened his arms to me, welcoming me. I had really lost some blood now; throw up in my throat and my head in the clouds. To slit my throat or to not? My decision was made. I fell into Daniel’s arms, feeling his warm embrace around me. Pressing my hands to his back I cried in my chest, my sight slowly fading. Daniel held all my weight, lifting me off my feet. His shirt and neck was covered with my blood as the room started to spin.
“They’re going to lock me up now, right?” I whispered, my eyes closing.
Daniel kissed me, opening my eyes and sending a jolt of energy through my body. “Sadly, honey. But I can visit, hopefully. And so can Sammy. I was in there once, it won’t kill you. Didn’t kill Sammy and I and you’re stronger than us both.”
I shook my head as my eyelids fell down, covering my eyes. Daniel kissed me again and whispered, “We have to stay awake until you get to the E.R. If you fall asleep I don’t know if you’ll wake back up. You’ve lost a lot of blood, kid.” He kissed the top of my head hard and long and I felt one of his tears stream down to meet mine.
Daniel started walking, kissing me every time I started to close my eyes. My eyelids were so heavy, I couldn’t keep them open.
Daniel walked passed Sammy and my parents. There was a stretcher waiting for me outside my room, doctors and nurses I’d never seen surrounding it. Daniel talked with them, occasionally kissing me as he talked them. Nurses wrapped my hands, holding the bandages to apply pressure. For some reason I wasn’t put on the stretcher but carried by Daniel all the way to a room across the hospital. His arms must have hurt; carrying a human body for that long couldn’t be easy.
And so I left the mental hospital, the patients watching Daniel and Casey leave on one more adventure. But this adventure was to another hospital bed.
When we reached the room I was going to be in Daniel put me down. I looked to see my parents and Sammy right behind them. Daniel kissed me one more time, stopping my eyes from falling down forever. But then he disappeared in a sea of doctors. They spoke jibberish and poked me, starting an I.V. I had a doctor on each hand, inspecting my deep cuts. One jabbed there finger in one of my cuts and the pain absorbed my body, finally letting the dark take me.