Chapter Seven
Sundays are given to the patients as a free day, at least that’s what Sammy and Daniel told me. Sunday was chosen since it’s the end of the week. Some patients go out with other patients of the same religious beliefs and go to church; the hospital isn’t religiously focused but it is respectful of people’s beliefs. Most patients though just spend the entire day chilling, not being dissected. I thought Sammy and Daniel were kidding when they first said we get a day off. A day of sharing was hard, seven was impossible. I’m sure the staff enjoys the slight break also. Though in the high security area no one gets a break: doctors, nurses, patients. I never want to go there.
So, in honor of surviving my first week in the hospital Sammy and Daniel, well really Daniel took me out. I wasn’t so sure about us leaving the hospital for fun, especially since I had been there only a week. But, apparently the nurses didn’t care. Probably because it was Daniel, who said he left the hospital all the time. He’d keep us in line.
With my first glimpse of freedom in seven days I was going to none other than Starbucks. Daniel asked me why I was so disappointed that we were getting coffee, he thought I would be dying to have it. I had my fair share of Starbucks, since it went with the typical white girl I portrayed, but I never needed it. It was just some other stupid thing that came along with my suck ass life. I’d rather go party, which I guess was out of the question anyway, but we could party alone.
Daniel had a silver two door Jeep wrangler with a black hard cover top. Technically it wasn’t his, it was his parents. They drove him to the hospital in it and left it there along with their sons. I wondered why he drove it, thinking it would bring back painful memories each time he entered it, but a car was better than no car. It was a nice car, barely used, obviously. Daniel said he rarely took it out. And when he did it was only a place a few minutes away. The nice nurses who loved him so dearly paid for gas when he needed it, since Daniel had no source of income. It was nice of them to do so and Daniel said he would pay them back as soon as he could.
I was in love with Daniel’s Jeep. I had wanted one myself but it wasn’t girly enough, didn’t fit the popular girl look. I don’t know why; a lot of people drive Jeeps. Instead I had a little bug that I hated but hey, it was a car.
When I freaked out over Daniel’s car he allowed me to drive it. I almost died behind the wheel, finally driving my dream car. Daniel had the top off since it was summer and most days were sunny; he also had underground parking so the car wouldn’t get damaged. He was a spoiled kid, that’s for sure. Those nurses really love him. Or they pity him and do anything to be nice. That reminded me to dig deeper into his past, see why it doesn’t bother him. With none of his family left I don’t know why the kid hadn’t taken his life.
We got to the Starbucks. It was jam-packed, a Starbucks rush hour. It was about two which isn’t very late but it’s when most teenagers wake up during the summer, especially during those first few weeks. Oh God, there probably was an amazing party last night and I missed it. Why couldn’t my parents put me in here during school? At least then I would get to miss that God awful place and not the fun, care free feel of summer. All those parties would keep me sane until I had to face school again.
After ordering our drinks, we found a spot outside so we could enjoy our drinks in the sun. Oh sun. I haven’t enjoyed the sun rays in so long. I missed them.
“What do you two normally do on these days off?” I asked Daniel and Sammy.
“Normally we go out and get coffee and people watch,” Daniel said. “Kinda weird but we don’t get too much social attraction.”
“If you two can go whenever, with Daniel having a car and the nurses loving him, why don’t you just go out and party? Be normal teenagers?”
Daniel and Sammy looked at each other and exploded in laughter. My face flushed red with embarrassment and I sucked on my drink. Once Daniel and Sammy had contained themselves Sammy answered me. “I was a social outcast and Daniel didn’t go to high school long enough to get used to it. You really think we’ll know where parties are? And if we happened to find one what to do?”
I shrugged, hiding my embarrassed face. “I don’t know. I’ll take you guys to a party sometimes. I know when they normally are and where they’ll be.”
“But won’t that just be bad for you? Going out to a party and seeing all the people that put you in this mental hospital? And how will you explain to them you just walked out to go party?” Daniel asked, of course. He was the only person that would think of questions like the ones he just asked. I hadn’t thought of drama it might cause, I just wanna party. And, of course, bring Sammy to her first party.
I shrugged again. “Never thought of it but I don’t really care. They won’t notice me.”
“Considering that you’re the most popular girl at school I think someone will notice you.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “I just want to have fun and bring Sammy to a party. Is that too much to ask for, Daniel?”
“Do whatever you want, I won’t come,” Daniel said, annoyed with me being so unconcerned.
Sammy sat watching everything playing out, a smile on her face. “Well looked like counseling is helping!” Her face was way too happy. Daniel and I both gave her the evil eye. She rolled her eyes at us and then said, “If we’re going to party anytime soon I am not going in sweats and a baggy shirt. We got to go shopping, just buy one outfit. Because someone will definitely notice us if wear this,” Sammy said, gesturing at her attire, “to a party.”
I had totally forgotten I went out in public in sweats, slippers, and a gray shirt. I must have gotten so used to wearing it and seeing everyone else in it I just blocked it out, not even noticing people’s clothes anymore. My mother would kill me if I ever went out wearing this. Now I’m required to wear it.
“I am not driving you two around to buy clothes, you don’t even have money,” Daniel said. Sammy started to pout. My mind started to work, figuring out how I could get my hands on some money or clothes. Then my light bulb lit up.
“I could ask my mother to bring in clothes!” I said. Right away Daniel responded with, “They won’t allow that.” And once again I was back to thinking. Maybe Daniel could get money from the nurses; but I knew he wouldn’t do that and the nurses didn’t deserve to be stolen from. Then another light bulb went off in my head.
“I could get my mom to give me money, that’s no harm.”
“That’s true,” Sammy said. “My parents give me money for getting coffee and the nurses don’t think twice whether if it used for coffee or not. And they give it to me in chunks.”
“Perfect! I’ll tell my mom to give me a hundred dollars or something. That should be more than enough for clothes and coffee and whatever else I want to use it on. My mother won’t think twice.”
Daniel was shaking his head. I got up in his personal space, completely done with him. “What?” I asked, annoyance and frustration laced in my voice.
“You are such a bad kid, Casey. First of all I hope you both know there is no way in hell you can do this without me, and I do no approve. It’s not right, Casey. I know you promised Sammy a party but after you leave this place. The people you see will only ruin your counseling, since they are the ones who put you here. Just not a smart idea.”
“Is Daniel scared of parties?” I asked, my side touching his. “Or is it the fact that Daniel had never been to one? They’re super fun! Try it out, just once. For Sammy and I?”
Daniel took in a sharp breath. Sammy had made her way right next to Daniel, suffocating him. “Fine. But this is stupid.”
Sammy and I shrieked in excitement. Within my excitement I had kissed Daniel on the cheek, catching him and me off guard. After I had kissed him we stared at each other a while; then I went back to celebrating with Sammy. We’d be going to a party! I’ll figure out when, it’ll be a couple of week, but still! A party!
When I got back to the hospital I called my mother, asking her for money. I explained to her that it was for coffee and she didn’t even question me why I wanted a full hundred. The mother I hated so much had once become useful. And in a week I get to see her and my father and brother. I cannot wait to see Sam. Tears formed in my eyes thinking of his face. I love him so much.
After my call I turned around to see Daniel, watching me. I stared at him and he stared back at me. I backed away and he followed me. I felt extremely uncomfortable and unsafe. Daniel was creeping me out.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
“Can we go talk?” He asked, nodding his head toward the open space. I nodded my head, heart rate rising and throat tightening. Why would he want to talk to me? Maybe it was about my brother, having seen me cry during both my calls. Whatever he wanted to talk about I wasn’t interested in discussing.
“What do you want?” I asked harsher than I meant. Daniel ignored the comment and started speaking. “I’ll take you to this party, only because I saw how happy you and Sammy got. But I just have to know, why do you want to see the people who sent you here? And don’t say because you told Sammy you’d take her to a party because that’s not reason enough.”
I shrugged. “Because I like parties. They’re the only think I liked about being popular. They let me get away, let me have fun for once.” I gave him a shy smile and shrugged again. I had lied, my tell for giving up was shrugging.
“Just worried about you, that’s all. I don’t want any wounds to be ripped open.” I looked down to find Daniel’s hand resting on my leg. After looking at my leg I looked up at him. He had been looking at his hand on my leg also, and when he saw me looking he took his hand off. Losing the presence of his hand made my leg feel empty. I almost grabbed his hand, wanting to put it back. I guess I miss human contact more than I think I do.
“Sorry,” he whispered, his head down. And in that moment I wanted to lift his head and kiss him. But then again I wanted to kiss anyone, I was so used to doing so and I hadn’t had too much action since coming to the hospital.
I ignored his comment. “Don’t worry about me; I know what I am doing. And I’ll make sure you have fun at this party. It’s your first, I’m assuming.” He nodded in response. “You’ll have fun,” I said and smiled at him. He smiled back at me. Then he started laughing,
“What?” I asked, annoyed.
“You are one interesting girl. Strong, so very strong. And stubborn. It’s hard to believe you’re in a mental hospital for depression, you seem so happy. So ambitious and adventurous. You make Sammy happier and more alive; you’re very good for her. And that’s not to say she isn’t good for her, because she makes you more alive. I believe you are a human being capable of listening and caring and being happy, you just have never gotten the chance to express it since you were never you.”
I smiled at Daniel. A real and genuine smile. “Why is it that every time I speak to you it’s like I’m speaking to another counselor?” I stood up and looked down at him ask I spoke. “Maybe if talking to you felt like it did with Sammy I’d actually like you.” I started to walk off, letting my words sink in. Then I remembered something I wanted to say and turned back around. Daniel was still sitting down, staring at me.
“By the way,” I said, “The ones who seem the happiest hurt the most, but they’re just good at hiding it.” I turned around and dramatically walked off. I almost didn’t hear what Daniel said but I just caught it. He had said, “I know that better than you’d think.”
***
The only thing good about Mondays? Nothing. Nothing is ever good about Mondays. It is the start of the week; the start of five grueling days just to reach two days that pass faster than they should. Mondays always mean going back to business, getting up early to work. For the mental hospital Monday is more depressing than most Mondays. Coming off a free day, a day to sleep and enjoy not being questioned and dissected. Coming back to it all sucks. And it caused me to be more depressed. The day off helped, but it should really be a month off. The mental hospital, surprisingly enough, was just like school.
Since I had been so depressed the day dragged on. At breakfast after I finished my meal, I slipped the knife I had used to cut open my orange, in my underwear. Weird? yes. But it was a knife, a butter knife but still a knife that could do enough damage. The nurses usually take your utensils away but mine had forgotten I even had their knife.
Group counseling I dozed off, not caring what so ever. But in counseling with Racheal I was ready to kill myself there; take something off her desk and beat it against my temple till I died. But I didn’t, and I didn’t show anything either. Racheal asked me deeper questions, most regarding my family and friends. She wanted to know the name of each and my opinion on them. It was exhausting.
Tuesday came I was feeling better than I had Monday. When I awoke I felt the knife under my pillow, a reminder I could end it. Depression is like being under a wave and getting enough air right before you’re about to die, but not enough air to help you feel comforted. It’s always a struggle to get the breath that never helps enough.
Today’s group counseling session was on things that make a person happy. I wondered how Racheal always had something knew to discuss every day. Maybe she rotates through a long list. Or maybe, she just uses the same ideas but in different ways. Honestly I have no clue and I don’t really care; she could talk about the same thing every day, she might even, because no one listens. Group counseling forces us to express emotions in large groups, one-on-one counseling is where it really matters.
As usual we go around the circle and each person expresses their opinion on the topic. For this topic most people said thinking of different lives, being in a different place made them happy. For Sammy she said fitting in where she should. When it came to Daniel he gave a cliché response: helping people. Of course, helping people made Mr. Daniel Gentoo happy. For me, my answer was similar to everyone else’s but the same.
“What do you think, Casey?” Racheal asked me.
“What makes me happy is thinking about the future. Being someone and something that I am not right now.”
Racheal nodded her head and moved on. The session was dry, per usual. Racheal gave us suggestions on what to think of when we’re really depressed: family, friends, a destination, a dream. I guess the session was driven to get us thinking of dreams, of where we wanted to be. Because everyone wanted to be somewhere or be someone they weren’t.
After group counseling I walked past Sammy, sharing an eye roll, towards Daniel. I didn’t acknowledge his presence but walked by him and continued talking. He kept his distance, knowing that if he walked faster so would I. Daniel knew who I was, what I was like, day one; now he knows even more about myself than I do. My body language and the expressions on my face, touchy subjects and my stubborn ways, that scared me.
We met with Racheal before heading out. She had no recommendations for what to talk about, nor trust building activities. I will kill myself when/if the day comes that I have to do trust building activities with Daniel.
We went to the bench we sat at last time—his brother’s bench. I still was creeped out with the benches thing; it was sweet but a weird way to honor the dead. It’s so out there and public, almost telling someone that suicide here is possible. I mean, it is easy: There are the blankets on our beds that can be used to hang you on the bathtub current rod, utensils a person can easily steal, using hands to punch your temple, hitting your head against the wall, and getting Daniel to trust you and take you out to town where the possibilities are endless. If I ever wanted to kill myself here and the knife didn’t do it enough I’d call Daniel up, make him take me into town. Once there I’d ask him if I could drive his jeep alone, to get the experience I’ve always wanted. He would of course say yes, not wanting to ruin my dream, and I’d drive his beautiful car as fast as I could into a tree or brick wall, the impact causing me to die. I’d feel bad for ruining his car, my dream car. But that was the way I’d do it if I really wanted to go.
Cutting is child’s play. Cutting let’s a person feel pain. If it’s done right, it can kill someone. But it’s hard. Bleeding out hurts. Give me quick and easy as my way to go. Driving into a brick wall at one hundred miles per hour, it gives a thrill in the last breaths of life.
When we got to the bench Daniel wasted no time getting to work. He had time to plan out what to say—four days to be exact. I was terrified what he would ask, how what strange topic he’d bring up today.
“You say thinking about the future makes you happy, so what do you see in your future? What do you want to do and do you want to get married? I don’t know…you said it made you happy, talking about the future, and I wanted to make you happy.”
I couldn’t help myself; I had a huge smile on my face. Daniel probably had planned our conversation but he threw it all away because today he learned that talking about the future made me happy. The gesture made me gush with the feeling of being wanted. At the same time it made me uncomfortable, people usually don’t go out of their way to make me happy.
After smiling for too long I returned to my bitch face. Daniel had seen how happy I was though, he knew he had scored.
“Ideally I want to be happy, of course. All my life I haven’t be I think I deserve to be in my future,” I said.
“Of course.”
“I want to fit in, too. Since I have felt like I’ve never belonged in my life. But, hopefully I get into a good college, not Yale or any other Ivy League, but something out of state so I can leave this life away and start a new one. At college I would study biochemistry; I want to work in a lab, discover cures for diseases and such. Family wise I want a husband who loves me to the moon and back and will do anything for me, especially recover all the love and affection I never got as a kid. In a perfect world I’d want three boys, not wanting a teenage daughter to deal with. Girls are hard, emotional and bratty. Boys, sure they do gross things but once they grow up they become real gentlemen, sometimes. Really I just want to raise boy who are gentlemen and respect girls and notice things. Location wise I want to be away from my family. I don’t care if I’m rich, live in a nice house, or do fun things; I just want to be happy. And watch Sam grow up as the gentleman I know he will be.”
I smiled at Daniel and shrugged. Those were all my typical future dreams, and talking about it made me happy. Imagining myself with my husband and three boys being happy made me smile. In the future all I really wanted was to be happy.
“What about you?” I asked. “You said helping people makes you happy, which you are doing as we speak, but what do you see in your future?”
Daniel took in a deep breath, ready to share. “Well first of all I’d like to get out of here. The nurses are nice and everything is paid for but it is a depressing place. I want to go to Yale and enjoy college and study phycology. In the end I’m sure I’ll end up here again but instead of being the patient I’ll be the doctor. Which, I guess, is kinda of depressing but I’ll be helping people and that’s what makes me happy. And I’m sure I can get a job right away since I know the place and everyone in it. Wife and kid wise I want a wife, I love kids so as many as my wife and I can handle and I don’t care their age. I can hear them complaining about how daddy treats everything as a lesson, a way to type into the mind. Of course they’d be right; my poor children will be physiologically pure and drained. One day I hope to find my parents and to yell at them, tell them the damage they caused to me and my brother. I want them to feel bad; I want them to feel the pain I did.”
“From a phycologists stand point I don’t believe that’s the operate thing to do,” I said, forcing myself to keep a serious face and not laugh.
Daniel shook his head and chuckled. Making him laugh somehow made me feel good; nice and warm inside. “I know but I don’t care. They deserve hell.”
Hearing Daniel say that took my aback. He wanted to be a phycology major and his entire life revolved around helping people make appropriate choices in life. But when it came to him, he had no mercy for his parents. They ruined his life, the deserved to suffer. They took away his brother and any chance at a normal childhood. Hearing Daniel want to do the right thing made him more relatable, more like the student than the teacher.
We both fell silent, thinking about the futures we hoped to one day live.
“I miss my brother,” I said.
“You’re lucky enough you’ll see him soon,” Daniel said, his words sharp as a blade.
I stared at him, feeling his pain. Imagining what a life without Sam would be like. If Sam was not alive, I wouldn’t be either. Daniel was so strong, his family left him yet he still stayed.
At the same time Daniel and I apologized. Then at the same time, scrambling for words, we both responded back with more of an apology. I said, “I’m sorry I brought that up, that was inconsiderate,” as he said, “I didn’t mean that I understand the love you have for him I just miss my brother.
We looked at each other, empathy oozing out of our skin. I had wanted to break him, see that he wasn’t actually strong, and here it was. He missed his brother, every day he missed him and every day he was reminded of him. The reason he sits at the bench is so he can feel as though he is with him. His brother killed himself and he can’t escape the place he committed his death.
“I am so, so sorry, Daniel. I have no idea what I would do without Sam. You’re so much stronger than me, if I was you I would’ve killed myself too. I am so so so so sorry.”
Daniel shrugged, not showing his face. “You’re strong too. I think you’d be too stubborn to let the life out of you. But we both agreed, no talking about our pasts. But, since you are talking about your brother, who is a subject you rarely talk about, I’m taking the opportunity. I watch you cry every time you talk to him on the phone. You love him.”
I nodded my head and trying to be funny I said, “Creep alert with watching me on the phone by the way.”
I got a chuckle out of him; a breath from the heavy blanket of depression. “Sorry, your relationship with him reminds me of my relationship with my brother. Believe it or not you opened some wounds in me, with my brother specifically.”
“I am so sorry.”
He shrugged. “Not your fault, you deserve to love your brother. You just fascinate me. How stubborn and strong you are. How bitchy you can act and how you hide your emotions. By helping you I thought you could help me.”
I smiled. “Sorry I can be such a stubborn bitch.”
He chuckled and looked up at me, making eye contact. “That’s what I like most about you.”
Our entire talk took up our entire session, not one second wasted. For a second I felt myself befriending him, leaning on him to make me feel better. After our session and the goopy factor of it all was gone I still felt empathy and sympathy for him, but my bitch face was still on. If he wanted to help me and be his friend he’d have to dig a lot deeper and I wouldn’t let that happen.
We went up to my room after our session and were greeted by Sammy who was reading a book on her bed. When she saw us she raised her eyes.
“How was counseling?” Sammy asked.
Daniel looked at each other, making sure we would both lie. Sammy raised her eyes again at our look.
“What was that?” She said as she sat up and leaned forward, her pitch higher.
We looked at each other again. “Nothing,” Daniel said. “And counseling sucked. Stubborn Casey over here doesn’t tell me shit so I have to lie to Racheal and say we’re improving. But not worries, I’ll crack her one day like I did you.”
Sammy was suspicious. Daniel sucked at lying, he always told the truth.
Sammy rolled her eyes, giving up. “Well, glad you two hate each other. Now leave Daniel, Casey and I are going to talk about tampons and periods.” The mention of tampons and periods got Daniel out the door in less than .01 seconds. When he left she looked over at me, raising her eyebrows.
“Now tell me the truth, Casey. How was counseling?”
I sat down on my bed, emotionally exhausted. “It was like Daniel said, sucky. I, like my stubborn bitchy self, will not tell him shit. He’s just getting mad that he can’t crack me open.”
Sammy raised her eyes at me again. I think in the last few minutes I have seen the most eye raising by a single person in my entire life.
“I think you two like each other but won’t tell me,” she said.
I jumped up. “Bullshit!”
She went back to reading her book and said, not looking up at me, “Let me know when you want to tell the truth.”
To show Sammy I didn’t like Daniel and actually hated him, I was a total bitch to him at dinner.
***
I stared at the nurse who was watching me, making sure I ate my breakfast. It had been hard to get used to—eating in the morning—but I had gotten used to it. Racheal still had nurses watch me, making sure I eat. She must not trust me to not go back to old habits. The nurses have gotten more distant, not breathing on me as I ate, but they’re still there, watching. My breakfasts were still small, fruit and maybe toast. At least I was eating.
It was Thursday, another day to spend with Daniel. Since Tuesday I’d been extra bitchy to him, proving my point. But deep down I was convincing myself of what Sammy thought. She thought I was getting closer to him, letting him in. I couldn’t deny that I felt open to him and vulnerable during our sessions. I shared with him, I couldn’t lie. I explained my future to him and he explained his; we shared our opinions on drugs. Our relationship was weird, unexplainable. I won’t let him in, won’t feel the pain I’ve felt my entire life. The pain that drowns me every day.
Depression hurts, but Cymbalta cannot help; I’ve tried it. I’ve been on numerous amounts of medication in my lifetime: Depression, anxiety, insomnia, one to help with my panic attacks. The best part of my past life was how good I hid my pain, all my friends telling me I was so strong. The one girl who was so mature and had no insecurities. In reality I was broken, drowning, only getting a gasp of air that allowed me to barely live.
At the hospital I don’t have to hide, don’t have to put up a front. Unless of course it is Daniel, then a front will always be put up. Whatever medication they have I love it. I’m on numerous pills for all my problems and for once in my life I’ve felt happier, slept better, worried less, and not once had a panic attack. As depressing as this place was and as much as it pushed me out of my comfort zone, it also pushed me to me. For once in my life I was discovering who I was, where I belonged.
But my God do I miss my family. Everyone. Even though I hate my mother for pushing me to this life, I miss her cooking. I miss my father’s unspoken understanding. And every day I miss Sam’s warm embrace and open ears. In four days, including today, I get to see them again. I get to hug each one of them; hugging Sam the longest.
Daniel will never experience that.
I directed my attention towards Sammy and Daniel who had been talking about something, God knows I don’t care. The poor nurse I was staring at was probably freaked out; I had been staring at her for a while. Oh well, at least I was eating for her.
“You excited for counseling with this turd?” Sammy asked, nudging Daniel with her shoulder, a chuckle escaping her smiling lips. Sammy was effortlessly beautiful; I don’t know how she was an outcast. She’s probably stunning with makeup on.
“Ugh, don’t remind me,” I said, not looking up from my blueberries. I flashed my eyes towards Daniel and Sammy and saw a smile creep up on Daniel’s face and couldn’t help to smile too. Then I sat back in my seat, studying. Sammy leaned towards Daniel, their shoulders almost touching. You could see how much they needed each other by how close they sat, which was extremely close. They always were breaking the five foot rule, although the nurses could care less. For myself I like the five foot rule, the further away I can be from people the better I am.
“You two should date,” I said, the words escaping my lips. The sentence changed the two of them in more ways than I thought. The way two people react when someone suggests they should date: embarrassed and fidgety.
Sammy scooted her chair away from Daniel, leaning her body in the opposite direction of him. Daniel sat up straighter, his face blank, expressionless. Sammy messed with her clothes and hair, doing something with her body. I chuckled at their responses, both showing they liked each other.
“You’re a bitch,” Sammy said.
“I know,” I said, a smile so wide on my face.
When we got back to the room Sammy started yelling me. Before I left the table I raised my eyebrows at the two of them. They’d be the cutest couple.
I left them, expecting them to talk. Maybe kiss. But they didn’t because Sammy ran right after me. I could feel her presence, her footsteps pounding the floors. Rage rushing out of her like wind, smacking my body with intense force. All I did was smile, pleasured at the chaos I had caused.
The door the slammed behind me, rage within how loud is smacked into place. I smiled one last time before putting my normal face on, turning to face Sammy.
“‘You two should date?’” Sammy said, mimicking me. “Really, Casey? Really?”
“Yes really. I don’t know what is so wrong with saying that, it is true. You’d be super cute. I see how you two act around each other. You’re always leaning on each other like your lives depend on it. And you’re always happy when you’re together, you tease him a lot. So, yeah, you two should make out or something.”
“I lean on him because like my life depends on it because it does, he’s the only reason why I didn’t kill myself here. If it wasn’t for him I’d just be another bench and you’d have a shitty and antisocial roommate. I am happy with him because I am simply happy when I am around him, the pills don’t make me happy he does. I tease him because that’s what friends do to each other. Friends is what we are, nothing more. He’s an attractive kid, I can give him that much. But I’m not attracted to him. He’s my best friend, my rock, my life support. I’d never ruin my relationship with him by dating him.”
I raised my eyebrows and smiled. “So you’d date him?”
“NO! We’re friends. Just friends.”
“Are you sure you’re just friends, Sammy?” I asked her, leaning up against her, making her uncomfortable.
“Yes. Kissing him would be like kissing my brother. I can tell you who should date: you and Daniel. I can tell you’re getting comfortable with him! Sharing things with him and having deep conversations. And not matter how bitchy you act around him it doesn’t cover up your smiles.”
“I’m not letting him in, just so you know. He may know what I want my future to be and my view on drugs but that doesn’t mean anything.”
Sammy nodded, not convinced. The conversation made me uncomfortable, I didn’t like that it was turned on me.
A smile creeped across Sammy’s face. “Daniel and Sammy sittin’ in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”
“A very mentally ill kid with depression, OCD, bipolar disorder, insomnia, panic attacks, and severe anxiety.”
Sammy threw a pillow out me, knocking me in the face. She said, “You’re no fun.”
“Only realistic.”
“Do you want kids?” Sammy asked the topic of Daniel completely gone. I smiled at her question. She was asking about my future, the one topic that makes me happy talking about.
“Yes, I do want kids. Preferably boys because being a girl is emotional I can’t even handle myself so I don’t know what I’d do with another person. What about you, will you have kids?”
“Never. I am always finding a way to escape this never ending hell; I don’t want to produce a person who will only do the same”
Sammy’s response surprised me. The loving Sammy I saw hid things, such as the bitchy Casey I was hid things. “You’d be a really good mom. I could see you playing with your kids, a husband at your side.”
“And I can see how cute you and Daniel’s kids will be.”
She looked up at my expression, an evil smile on her face. And in that moment it was all gone; the selfless Sammy who didn’t want kids, evaporated and replaced with the Sammy I knew so well. Maybe what I thought to be her personality was actually her cover up, like being bitchy was mine.
“You’re an asshole,” I said.
“I know,” she said, smiling. I couldn’t help but smile too.
During the group session I kept looking at Daniel and then at Sammy, suggesting to Daniel he should make a move. He was frustrated with me, constantly rolling his eyes at me and shaking his head. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach, wondering what counseling with Daniel would be like today. I felt like a middle schooler with a stupid crush. I was annoyed with myself, telling myself it doesn’t matter what he believes because I don’t even care about him.
I couldn’t tell you for the life of me what group counseling was about. The entire time the butterflies in my stomach made me deaf. I still thought that Sammy and Daniel should date. Their dark hair and colored eyes would make for beautiful children. Daniel’s tallness would cause for handsome minds. Their minds would cause for emotionally troubled geniuses. Their children would make for the perfect movie character.
Daniel and I checked in with Racheal and then were off to Spencer Gentoo’s bench. The brother of Daniel Gentoo who can’t even debate if he’d marry a girl and what their children would be like because he died too soon.
“So, you think Sammy and I should go out?” Daniel said his tone like normal.
“How’d you know I’d bring that up?! You are so smart, Daniel!”
“Didn’t get a full ride to Yale for nothing.”
After a moment’s pause I asked, “So, you like her? She swears she doesn’t but I don’t believe her.”
The butterflies in my stomach suffocated me. Why were there even damn butterflies? I was figuring out if he likes Sammy, my friend, not me. My life does not depend on what his answer is. I felt pathetic, immature. Like it was a stupid crush. I hate this feeling, it makes me feel vulnerable.
“Well that would be correct since we both don’t like each other, just really close friends. I’m sure we come kind off coupleish since we’re so close, and the best relationships are best friends who make out. But we’re not. I don’t know what she thinks, and if she told you the truth or you’re lying to me. But we’d never date, I don’t even like her.”
“Why not? What’s not to like?”
“Nothing, just the fact I’m not attracted to her.”
I found myself asking without even thinking, “Then what do you find attractive?”
My heart raced, pounding out of my chest. As the seconds passed and he didn’t respond the butterflies in my stomach had migrated to my throat, completely suffocating me. I felt a panic attack coming on, not being able to breathe.
“Are you okay?” Daniel asked with concern across his face.
“Can’t,” gasp, “breathe.”
Daniel took action right away, grabbing my hand and looked deep into my eyes. He told me to take deep breaths, in through the nose and out through my mouth. As I began to calm down I was absorbed with embarrassment. This was my first panic attack since I’d been in the hospital and it was in front of Daniel. Being vulnerable in front of him made me uncomfortable, frustrated even.
“You okay?” Daniel asked.
I nodded my head, avoiding eye contact.
“You scared the shit out of me, Casey,” he said, leaning back in the bench.
“I’m sorry. Thanks for helping me.”
“No problem, I used to get panic attacks all the time after my brother died. I had to get used to going through it alone, forcing myself to breathe, calm my racing mind and heart.”
“That sounds terrifying,” I said, looking into Daniel’s eyes now. When I looked into his eyes he looked away, the first time he’s ever denied eye contact. Believe it or not I made Daniel as vulnerable as he made me.
“And what I find attractive is you, Casey.”
“Goddamn,” I mumbled.
“What?” Daniel asked his emotions on high since he’d reviled his secret. He liked me, no wonder he dealt with all my shit. His concern made me giggle.
“Sammy was right, and I don’t like being wrong.”
He smiled, uncomfortable since I hadn’t ever told him that I found him attractive. I cannot say I like Daniel but I also can’t say I dislike him. When I’m with him I feel an uncomfortable sense of comfort and vulnerability. Yes, I had done what I said what I wouldn’t: I opened up to Daniel. But, being my stubborn self, I still tried my best to deny that I had opened out a considerable amount.
Knowing Daniel made the butterflies disappear and in their place discomfort appeared. Through the rest of the day we always caught each other staring, evaluating the other. I made a promise to myself though: I would not open up to Daniel Gentoo. And so I shall not like him.
***
The next day at breakfast the air was stiff, Daniel and I not staring at each other. Sammy looked between us and continuously rolled her eyes. Although her relationship with Daniel didn’t change because of my comments yesterday, she didn’t sit to him as close. There was no conversation. Not a single word.
“Really? You two are acting to immature right now. ‘Oh my God I told her I liked her but she never said anything back.’ You make me sick,” Sammy said. She rolled her eyes for the billionth time that morning.
For the first time that morning Daniel and made eye contact, sharing a smile. Sammy looked at us, back and forth, and rolled her eyes at us.
“Are you two dating and not telling me? Because this is extremely annoying.”
“We are not in a sexual relationship,” Daniel said, sneaking a look at me. I smiled. This wasn’t being friends. This wasn’t even being romantically involved. As long as we weren’t having deep conversations that fine. If we annoying Sammy I’m down but once we talk about emotions I’m out.
“You two can go ahead and date I am done,” she said and got up and walked out. When she was gone Daniel and I looked at each other and chuckled.
“You excited to see your family in three days?” He asked me.
I nodded and smiled. I pictured Sam in my mind. Felt his embrace around me. I craved it. Needed it. Now.
“I can’t wait to see how happy you are,” he said, looking deep into my eyes. I looked away, uncomfortable. Our hands were only centimeters away; I longed for his touch, to see how it would feel. But at the same time I was afraid that I would feel something, having to get closer to him.
“Because it makes me happy?”
He nodded his head. “Anything that makes you happy makes me happy.”
Everyone gathered around at group counseling. I sat across from Sammy and Daniel so I could use facial expressions to talk to them during the session. The topic toady was pretty morbid: Death. It was not to talk about other’s who have died in our lives but to express how sad a death makes people. And how that if we took our lives we would cause other people depressed. That we wouldn’t want the ones we love to feel the same pain we do.
For me, the only thing that has ever stopped me from killing myself is Sam. Because knowing that I’d disappeared from his life, and how sad it would make him, made it worth it to stay. Life still sucked every day. But Sam is the only thing that draws me here; if he ever leaves I’ll be gone right after him. My parents will have to deal with being alone.
A lot of the kids talked about grandparents and great aunts dying. None of them knew them well so weren’t impacted, or were so depressed they didn’t feel anything anyway. I feel like if a family member or friend died I would feel relief more than grief.
Racheal got to me and asked if anyone in my family had died. I told her no one had, not even a great uncle or grandparent; but I would enjoy if my family died. I was scolded by Racheal; she told me I would feel grief. I ensured her that I would be more relieved.
“Then imagine if your brother would die, how sad that would make you feel,” Racheal said. Racheal knew not to bring up my brother, especially in group counseling and especially in the context of death. Tears filled my eyes as I thought of my brother being dead. I wouldn’t be able to move, I’d literally be paralyzed. And after I had the time to process and move I’d kill myself right away; there was no purpose in my life anymore anyway.
I couldn’t form words, unable to even imagine his death. Thank God Daniel stepped in, “Maybe we should talk about me? Considering that I actually lost my brother and my parents might as well me dead.”
“I was talking to Casey, Daniel you will be next.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said with a stern voice.
Everyone in the group was paying attention. Some watching the tears escape my eyes and streak down my cheeks, others watching Daniel.
“Alright Daniel, speak.”
“I can’t tell you what losing my parents was like, considering they’re not truly lost. They were shitty parents; clearly, two years ago they dropped their kids off and then dropped off the face of the earth. They never should have been parents. Losing my brother though was like dying. He was the only person I cared for in life and he was gone. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move. All I wanted to do was escape the pain. Because every morning I wake up and turn to see if he’s lying in the bed across from me and every morning I have to remind myself he’s dead. So, if you kill yourself, you family will feel like me. Every day they will live under a gray cloud and will have to hide it and move on, because mourning never ends. It just lessens. So please, don’t kill yourself, so your family doesn’t have to feel like me.”
Once Daniel said his last word he walked off. Right as he walked off I ran after him, tears in my eyes. I think I heard Sammy get up too, Racheal yelling at all of us. I couldn’t tell if she did because I was in Daniel’s arms, wrapping my arms around him and bringing him into me. His sobs were muffled in my shoulder.
“I’m so sorry, Daniel. I am so sorry. Imagining my brother’s death kills me so I have no idea how it actually is.”
Racheal came over and I yelled at her, at the top of my lungs. The entire hospital watched us. With Daniel still in my arms I screamed at Racheal, “How dare you bring up my brother, a subject you know is touchy. And how dare you push Daniel.”
“I didn’t push him.”
I wanted to scream and push her. I’d never felt so much rage, never knew I had it in me.
“I don’t want to go to our individual counseling today,” I told Racheal. “I’ve had enough of you prying my mind open for today.”
The entire hospital watched us. Sammy came to stand at Daniel and I’s side.
“Fine,” she said. “But Daniel is unable to take you two off grounds, or him.”
I wrapped my arm around Daniel and took him to Sammy and I’s room. We closed the door and propped anything we could find—which wasn’t much—up against the door. Within the time we had walked up to the room Daniel had returned to normal. I wonder how long it took him to learn to hide his tears quickly. Hide his emotions so the world wouldn’t ask questions.
“She’s a bitch,” I told Daniel. “Don’t listen to her.” I rubbed his back, trying to comfort him. I was never good at comforting people but comforting Daniel felt nature, felt right. Like it or not everything that made me uncomfortable with other people was comfortable with Daniel. I’d been bitchy to him long enough, he’s gotten into me. And now he will make me more vulnerable and talk deeper than I ever have before. I’m terrified but I’m glad it’s him.
“Are you okay?” Daniel asked, looking into my eyes. I leaned my head on his shoulder, unable to respond. He had just gotten exposed and he was asking if I was okay.
“You’re too nice.”
“I just hide my emotions still. I haven’t really learned how to share but to hide. I seem happy, for the most part I am, but I still hurt inside every day. I’m still human, and people forget that. The nurses think that I stayed because of them, which is partly true. The mental hospital is depressing but there are people here to help, at orphanages it depressing and there’s no mercy. The main reason I stayed here was because after my brother died I knew I was mentally ill, all the thoughts I had. Every second of the day I’d dream of how to kill myself. I stayed because I am suicidality depressed. And if it wasn’t for this place I wouldn’t exist.”
I leaned my head on his shoulder and he leaned his head on mine. I was opening up to Daniel and he was opening up to me. I was getting my wish: opening him up and seeing his true emotions. It scared me. Because if Daniel, the seemingly happy kid, has problems then how will I not? I guess everyone hurts; it’s just how well they can hide it. For Daniel it was so good I couldn’t even see a trace of his mask.
Daniel, Sammy, and I didn’t leave the room that night. We didn’t eat dinner. We just calmed down and talked about random things, making each other happy again. Sammy laid in her bed and Daniel and I shared my bed, barely able to find a comfortable position that wasn’t awkward. We ended up falling asleep; Sammy in her bed and Daniel and I sharing mine. Today a relationship formed between Daniel and me. It wasn’t a romantic one; it was a friendship, an understanding. And as much as opening up scares me, I can say I’m willing to do it with him.