trigger warning: mention of suicide
Chapter 37
Emily
Earlier this morning, Jade called me to ask me if I wanted to hang out with her after work. We decided that I'll pick her up at six and we'd go to Beirut. She hasn't been there since forever, so she hasn't seen all the recent changes in the city.
We end up checking out the Bay area which is way too overpriced and gentrified, but Jade likes it so I try not to be a Grinch, especially that this is actually fun. We get cat-called a few times, so we bond over how difficult it is to be a woman and feel safe no matter where we are.
She tells me about NYC and feeling terrified every time she has to use the subway, especially when it's crowded because she can never tell if someone is pushing themselves on her on purpose or it's just because of how crowded the train gets.
I tell her about my need to wear oversized baggy clothes in order to blend in with the crowd as much as possible and not attract attention. Then we talk about how Adam and her sons and husband would never understand what we go through from feeling unsafe on the streets to period days to counting calories.
Hanging out with Jade makes me realize how much I want to have a mother - a woman in my life who knows exactly what I'm going through because she goes through it every day. A woman who can understand me in ways that Adam can't, because of his male privilege along with other factors as well.
Then, we decided to visit an art studio that is holding a Sip and Paint event. I can't help but smile when I see Jade's painting: She's drawing four people whom I assume are herself, her husband and Noah and Logan.
My heart twitches at the thought of him. I tried not to think of him all day, especially knowing that he's alone with his girlfriend for the next couple of days. And I should feel like shit because he's taken, and I shouldn't have allowed myself to be the other woman.
I do - I do feel like shit. But it's not because I'm a horrible person who wrecked someone's happy relationship. It's because the thought of him with someone else is killing me. The thought of him kissing her, stealing glances at her, holding her hands - Goddamn it. I spilled some paint on my pants.
"You're okay?" Jade says as she looks at my jeans.
My cheeks flush as I embarrassingly wipe the paint. "Yes, no worries."
"Those are beautiful flowers," She comments on my painting.
"Thanks. I like yours too."
"Oh, I assure you, Logan and Noah will make me hide it somewhere so that no one will see it. They think I'm too mushy."
I can totally see Logan doing that. "You should hang it in the living room just out of spite."
Jade laughs. "That's exactly what I was planning to do."
A pang of guilt hits me as I remember Logan's rocky relationship with Jade. I can't help but remember that night when we both talked about having shitty parents. The only difference is that Jade obviously adores her children. I wish she'd tell him so because he has no idea. He has no idea how much he's loved, and it breaks my heart. Because he deserves love and happiness and -
I force myself to stop here. It's not my place anymore. It has never been my place.
"Hey, Jade?"
"Yeah?"
I take a deep breath. "I think you should tell Logan more often how much you love him."
She seems taken back for a second before she purses her lips. "I know," She sighs. "I just worry about them so much that I -" She shakes her head. "I prefer to have him hate me but have him, than to not have him at all."
"It doesn't have to be this way or the other."
She gives me a sad smile. "Raising kids in New York City is hard. Raising kids in NYC amongst a bunch of elites is even harder. Those kids grow up differently. They're models and actors and singers and insanely famous and rich. I worry about Noah and Logan losing themselves in their bubble."
For some reason, I can't picture Logan being under peer pressure. "Have you met Logan? He's the master of peer pressure - I don't think that anyone could make him do something that he doesn't want to do, even if they tried."
She grins. "He can be so stubborn. I know, I know. It's just after that accident -" She stops, and I immediately know which accident she's talking about.
It happened four years ago when Noah's girlfriend, Celeste, died at Logan's birthday party. She died in front of him as well, which is something no one should have to go through. "I'm so sorry this happened. I can't imagine what you've gone through," I say it with the utmost sincerity.
I know from Adam that the accident almost destroyed their family. Noah had to go to a depression rehab for a month in order to be able to function normally. They were all worried sick about him.
"It was terrible, Em. They accused Noah of doing it - can you even imagine?" Her eyes tear up. "Thank God for Amelia, who was there. She was his alibi. But even after that, they kept coming at us. Every year, a new lawsuit, constant threats, reporters. We paid them millions of dollars to go away. We did everything to protect our children, you know?"
I nod, not being able to say anything else. My mind goes back to Logan. He must have gone through hell trying to live a normal life when everyone around him knew about the accident. They probably bombarded him with questions about his brother and best friend.
It's crazy how much I misjudged him. When I first saw him, he was just an insanely attractive spoiled playboy. But now...I know that he's selfless and kind and carries a great deal of pain that is hidden from the world. The guilt rages back at me. I ruined everything. He's with her now.
Jade wipes a tear. "Just when I thought things calmed down, her brother came back last year. He stalked them the entire summer before beating Noah up," She shakes her head. "If Logan hadn't found him and called the cops, we probably would have lost him."
I place my arm around her back, trying to comfort her but what do you even say to a mother who almost lost her son?
"Just the thought of losing one of them makes my blood turn into ice. Everything that I do is for them, Em. Yes, I sent Logan here but it's not because I wanted to get rid of him. It's because I saw what New York was doing to him. He was failing his freshman year - freshman, which is supposed to be the easiest year. He was drinking and smoking weed every day - and then his friends were such a bad influence on him. I just wanted to get him away from all the toxicity."
He obviously has no idea. It makes me sad that he thinks he's unwanted when his mom is truly just terrible at expressing herself and instead imposes what she thinks is right.
"Look at him now: he has a job, he's coaching kids, he hasn't smoked since he got here - He's doing so much better. That's how I know that I made the right choice. I don't regret it one bit. He needs to get away from all the nonsense in the states. In fact, I wish he can just stay here - especially because of all the threats and rumors that he got from Celeste's brother."
"He got threats? Why?"
She shakes her head. "The guy is insane. First he was accusing Noah, now he's accusing Logan."
My jaw drops. "No way."
"Yeah. We have a restraining order but I still worry. Anyway, enough about this. I hate talking about it, actually. I'm just so thankful that you're letting him work with you."
I try to hide my shock by nodding. "He's been a great addition to our team. The kids are obsessed with him."
And then she starts to tell me about how soccer has always been a ritual as they grew up. But I zone out, my mind going back to what she said earlier. Celeste's brother thinks Logan did it. Is that why he seemed so tormented a couple of weeks ago when he told me about the accident?
Logan would never do such a thing. He wouldn't even hurt a fly. It's an insane thought to consider. Logan with his silly jokes and sweet talk and crazy ideas and dirty mind. Logan, selling his watch for a motorcycle. Logan, staring at the stars like they're the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, then staring at me like I'm a sky full of stars. Logan, kissing me like I'm oxygen and he's drowning. My Logan. He'd never do it.
I shut my thoughts out, trying to focus on Jade's story instead. But the small voice in my head repeats quiet whispers now and then, "what if he did?"
a/n hi guys! if you wanna understand more what happened to noah feel free to read summer'010. also, if you've made it this far, thank you for reading!