I didn't get much sleep.
Instead, I spent most of the night crying while Luke held me in his arms and I tried to convince myself everything was going to be okay. However, I know it's dumb for me to think such a thing as I just lost one of most important people here to me.
He rubbed my arm and held me close, trying to calm me down but we both knew it'd be an impossible task. In fact, I could barely feel his touch as I was consumed by such an isolating feeling that made me feel so alone and betrayed.
That's something not even Luke could fix.
I must've finally allowed sleep to take over me in the early morning as I was woken up by my own alarm. I know Luke gets up earlier than I do so I don't doubt that he's been up for a while.
So as I reach towards my bedside table, arm stretching to turn off my alarm, I definitely don't fail to notice the lack of contact beside me. I don't mind as I know Luke has a million and one things to do in the morning and it's not his sole responsibility to ensure I'm okay at all times.
However, just as I turn off my alarm, I'm shocked to hear Luke's voice in my room as it practically scares me half to death.
"I was going to let you sleep in a bit longer."
I look up, seeing him in front of my mirror as he gels down his hair, ensuring it's perfectly intact as he keeps his attention on himself in the mirror, not looking in my direction.
"I need to get up," is all I say, not wanting to spend any time moping in bed and coming off as if I'm not emotionally stable enough to handle situations like this.
"Lila..."
"I can't just lay in here and feel sorry for myself all day," I say, going towards my clothes in order to pick out an outfit, just like any other day. "Doing that benefits no one."
"You can at least have the morning to get yourself together... I can bring breakfast to you."
"Not necessary," is all I say, walking into the bathroom with the new set of clothes and preparing to change. I shut the door behind me, ridding myself of my current pajamas as I turn on the sink to brush my teeth as well.
I know I may be acting cold but he knows I don't want the special treatment. He knows I don't want him attempting to convince me to stay back and hide, as opposed to going out and continuing on with my day as I should.
I have a feeling he may be anxious as well as he went off for around an hour last night in order to find Calum and Ashton and fill them in as well. I also don't doubt that he filled Declan in on all the missing pieces. I haven't seen him since and all I can hope for is the possibility that he won't bring them up but I'm sure he'll want to hear from me about it all.
Luke knows that me entering the cafeteria this morning leaves for the possibility of everyone either acting extremely uncomfortable in my presence or pestering me with questions. I'm sure he doesn't want either happening.
As I turn off the sink, finishing the process of brushing my teeth, I take a look into the mirror and don't fail to notice just how red my eyes are. I look exhausted and I know I have the long night I spent crying to thank for that. On top of that, the bags under my eyes are extremely evident as they're impossible to miss.
I look like a mess.
Knowing there's nothing to do about it as I have no makeup to cover myself up in, I just grab a brush and tug my hair into a high ponytail, preparing myself for the hell of a day that's to come. I know today isn't going to be easy but physical pain sounds a lot better than the emotional pain I'm feeling right now.
Shaking my head at my thoughts, I gather my clothes to toss in my hamper and open the door to the bathroom as I intend to walk past Luke and put my sneakers on. I feel bad for letting my frustration out on him, especially as he had spent the night consoling me, but the truth is I'm not dying to be around anyone right now as I feel nothing short of broken.
As soon as I open the door, I notice Luke is leaning on the doorframe, waiting for me to step out but I don't acknowledge his presence and instead keep walking away from him.
"Lila..."
I don't answer him, walking towards my sneakers as it isn't long before I feel Luke grab onto my wrist, stopping me from moving any further.
"Baby."
And if his grip isn't enough, that one word certainly is.
I don't move as I'm frozen in my spot, repeating the sound of the word in my head a million times over as it's practically enough to make me relax entirely. It sounds so beautiful coming from him-- as if it's a word of healing. Any context I've ever heard this word in otherwise is temporarily stripped from my memory entirely as all I can focus on is now and the desperation laced in his tone as he needed me to hear him.
And I can't help but let out a deep breath.
For that, I'm absolutely all his in this moment as I don't want to focus on Michael, or the events of today, or what we're having for breakfast, or how badly I need to put on my shoes. Instead, I just want to focus on what he just called me and how good it made me feel.
I want to focus on the way that he said it with no hesitation.
I look into his eyes, recognizing how crazy my thoughts are as a simple word has sent me into a frenzy. A simple word has managed to take all my hurt away from me, if only temporarily, and has made me feel weightless under the gaze of the beautiful man who is Luke Hemmings.
And I don't fail to remember the time that he told me he was a slave to my pleasure but in this moment, I truly recognize that I'm a captive to his blue eyes that promise me the world.
"I'm here, you know that, right?" he asks, his eyes looking into mine in the most intense way possible.
For that reason, I don't hesitate to nod my head as I know he's here. I know he's willing to listen and willing to be a shoulder to cry on and willing to allow me the day off if I need it. I'm not blind to this and I'd never want him to think that for a second.
In response, I whisper back to him, "Thank you."
I notice Luke seems to relax in hearing this as his body reacts immediately, his head lowering in order to seal his words with a kiss. I don't pull away and I certainly don't hesitate to reciprocate his actions as I close my eyes and wait for my pain to fade further as his warm lips meet mine. And the second they do, I feel my own form of instant relief.
There's no urgency in our kiss and there's definitely no desire to further it from the simple kiss that it is but it definitely is exactly what I need in this moment. It makes me feel safe once more as I don't have to think about all the people that are here that could be lying or could be watching my every move. I don't have to worry about any of that because I have Luke.
And in every lifetime, that's enough.
Luke squeezes my hand gently, pulling back from our kiss in order to rest his forehead to my own. I keep my eyes shut, fearful to open them as they'll bring me back to reality and remind me that I can't just sit in here and hide all day. I have to go back out there and be the strong woman that I am.
"I'm proud of you, Lila."
I smile, hearing nothing but sincerity in his words as they're genuine and full of his heart. I know he's proud of the way that I handled everything last night and I know he's even more proud to see me up and ready to conquer today, even with an easy pass.
I reassure him by letting him know, "I know."
I don't want him to think that I'm not well aware of how proud he is of me and how he recognizes how much I've grown since being here. He shows it in everything he does and I want him to know it doesn't go unnoticed.
So with that, I let go of his hand and make my way to my shoes once more in order to put them on. Luke doesn't try to stop me this time, instead, allowing me the time to do so as I slip the sneakers on and begin tying them with ease. He stands off to the side, allowing me the space to do so as neither of us say a word and instead, mentally prepare ourselves for the day that's to come.
I think about going to breakfast and Michael not being there.
We've sat together for every meal since being here so to not have him across from me or by my side is going to feel weird. It's not going to be the same.
Straightening from tying my shoes, I let out a deep breath and tell myself that today's going to go fine. I'm going to be okay and there's no need to freak out like I currently am in my head. The problem is, I'm overthinking everything and as a result, I'm only thinking of the worst possible outcomes.
I close my eyes for a moment, mentally preparing myself for the day that's to come before asking Luke if he's ready to go. He only gives me a brief nod of his head, seeming hesitant to allow me to call the shots as I know if he could have it his way, he'd make me stay here.
Nonetheless, we both make our way out of the cabin, neither of us saying a word as we know we're about to be in the presence of others. It's probably risky for the two of us to be leaving together currently but I don't know if I can handle walking around here alone.
At least not right now.
"We're going to have a quick breakfast today so make sure you eat up," Luke informs me as I keep my gaze forward. "We're going to pretty much get right into things."
I nod my head, showing that I heard him as I can't imagine I'll be able to eat much today. I know Luke is going to insist otherwise but I feel too sick to even think about food. Even the thought of eating reminds me of Michael and that's what makes this a million times harder for me.
"I'm serious, Lila," he says to me, his tone concerned yet soft all at once. "You won't survive the day if you don't eat. I know it's going to be hard but you've got to do the best you can."
"I will," I promise, knowing his words are true.
Even if the last time I had an accident due to my lack of eating was after a few days of not eating, I know today is going to be intense and my body will not react well if I don't have any nutrients in it.
Luke accepts my words as sincere enough as he doesn't push the subject further and instead, focuses back on our walk towards the cafeteria. All the other men joyfully make their way over, having no idea of what today is going to consist of as no one's told anyone yet. Therefore, they're in for one hell of a surprise as I have no doubt everyone is going to hate their lives today.
I can't imagine being in their shoes with absolutely no heads up.
Then again, no one here has proved themselves to be a decent person so do I feel that bad?
"I told Declan to lay off today but he's eventually going to have some questions," Luke continues, his voice low. "Michael brought up a lot of things that were impossible not to address, obviously."
"Was he mad?" I ask, not knowing what I'm referring to exactly but also knowing there was a lot of context in our conversation that could've made him angry.
"You could say that."
I'm thankful that I at least have the day that will consist of him not hounding me but tomorrow, I don't doubt that I'll have to have a long conversation with him about everything. I know for certain that he is incredibly angry but I think he can understand that's an emotion I can't handle right now.
But I don't have any time to ask anymore questions as we reach the front doors of the cafeteria, Luke taking the chance to tug open the door for me as he steps aside, allowing me the space to step in. I don't look in anyone's direction, keeping my attention to myself entirely as I walk towards the food to make myself a minimal tray.
Whatever will get me through the day.
Luke stays a safe distance behind me, probably intending on sticking by my side so I don't feel so alone in here. Michael always was attached to my hip any second I stepped in here and I'm sure no one was a stranger to that.
I grab a tray, following it with some fresh fruit and yogurt as I hope this will satisfy Luke. I'm sure he'll try to push for more but I know I'll struggle to stomach this. Anything else sounds absolutely horrendous right now.
"Hey, you."
Turning my head, I'm thankful to see the face of my brother that's laced with sympathy and has a kind smile plastered on it that makes me want to drop this plate of food and just hug him. He's always been my support growing up and to have him here is just what I need as I don't know how to cope with this alone.
"Hey," I say just above a whisper, grabbing a water as well as I turn away from the food and begin the trek towards my normal table. Michael and I's normal table.
"How you feeling?" he asks, eyeing the cafeteria as this is one of his first chances to take in everyone that's here. I'm sure he's curious to see if there's anyone else here he knows.
I don't doubt that there is.
"I've been better."
"I wish I knew everything that was going on out here, Lila," he says in an apologetic manner as if it was his fault that he was left in the dark. "I just can't believe all the shit you've been through and the person you are as an outcome of it."
I shrug, not wanting to delve into that, "Hopefully I'm not a cold-hearted monster if I make it out of here because that's the path I'm currently headed towards."
"Lila-"
"There she is," I hear the cheerful voice of Ashton as it grabs my attention, making me look over my shoulder to see a big smile on his lips but a look of nothing but sympathy in his eyes. "How you feeling, Lila?"
Is that the only question I'll be answering today?
Sitting down at the table, both Declan and Ashton follow my lead and take the seats beside me. I feel overwhelmed instantly but try not to let it show as I shrug my shoulders, hoping to talk about absolutely anything other than how I feel right now.
For that reason, I say, "Ready to start the day."
Luke walks up to the table, sitting across from me as he keeps his mouth shut, knowing better than to pester me with conversation right now. I'd like to believe the two people beside me would know better than to try to ask me questions that relate to the events of last night.
"Here," Luke says, grabbing my attention as he hands off a small plate with two slices of toast on it. "I need you to eat something more than yogurt."
I sigh but listen, nonetheless, knowing he's not asking for much and knowing I can probably force myself to eat it. Sure, it sounds nothing short of appetizing right now but it'll make him happy so I should just suck it up.
Luke is clearly pleased when he recognizes that I don't intend on fighting back and instead, begin eating the food. I keep my head down, hoping everyone around me will indulge in their own conversation and leave me out of it. I'd really prefer not to talk to anyone but due to the silence surrounding me, I feel like they're waiting on me to speak up and say something.
Luckily, Luke seems to get the hint as he says, "So for the schedule today, I was thinking-"
"LJ!" the familiar voice says in an excited manner, capturing my attention as I see Calum Hood trekking towards our table. "There's the toughest, strongest, most badass, soldier I've ever met! How you feeling?"
Kill me now, please.
I don't fail to notice the glare Luke sends Calum as he sits beside him, clearly catching onto the fact that I'm tired of people asking me how I'm feeling. I think it's pretty damn clear that I'm feeling absolutely shitty.
Who wouldn't be?
Knowing they're not going to shut up until I give them the answer they feel makes the most sense, I figure it's time to shut them up for good.
Luke opens his mouth to speak up for me but I beat him to it as I say, "Awful... really fucking awful. I feel like the person who was considered one of my best friends here ripped out my heart, stomped all over it, then fed it to a herd of starving lions. I feel like I can't trust a single person here and that everyone here is a fraud who wants me dead. I feel like I have no chance to make it out of there and even if I do, I'm going to walk out of this experience with no one. I feel like I'm in my own personally designed form of hell that only ends in death or a lifetime of not being able to trust a single soul around me."
Everyone stares at me in shock, having not expected this answer as it was brutally honest and filled with thoughts that I've kept to myself. I'm sure they expected me to lie or say something true but nowhere near as brutal.
But instead, I gave them the answer that I hope will shut them up.
"Lila," Declan is the first to start.
"So does that answer all your questions? Can we finally move on now?" I ask, raising my eyebrow at all of them, hoping they now see that this isn't something I want to sit and chat about. I feel horrible and sitting here and telling them all about it is only going to make me feel that much worse.
Especially as they're all well filled in. There's no reason as to why they should need additional information from me.
Luke clears his throat, placing his hands on top of the table before saying, "I'm going to tell everyone to eat quickly as we want to start things off fairly soon. I'm probably going to give everyone ten minutes or so."
All the guys just nod, clearly fearful to speak further on the subject that I had shut down without hesitation. They should know their questions are stupid. They should know I'm hurting more than anything right now. They should know that continuing to bring up the subject is going to do nothing but harm to me.
As Luke walks away, no one says anything, anticipating his announcement as I'm sure he'll demand silence from everyone. I can't help but let out a sigh of relief, thankful for this distraction from me as Luke makes his way to the front of the room.
Even through my emotions and anger, I can't help but recognize how damn good he looks. He had done his hair neatly today as his curls are tucked behind his ears and he wears his typical black tshirt with a pair of black joggers. He looks too good for his own good and I know it's going to make today that much harder.
How am I supposed to focus on anything that's not him?
"Soldiers!" Luke roars, causing the room to fall silent instantly. I turn my body so I'm facing him entirely and anticipate the words that are to follow that certainly are enough to ruin absolutely everyone's day. "Today, you will have ten minutes for breakfast so eat up."
I watch as everyone looks to one another, clearly confused by this new information as they don't seem pleased with the announcement. Unfortunately, that's not even the worst of it for them and I can only imagine how they're going to take the news.
"Today you will be going through pain tolerance training," Luke says, his tone unbothered as he keeps it firm and authoritative. "We will be putting you through stations and inflicting severe pain in order to coach you through it and put you in a state of survival as you'll need to learn how to cope with these types of pain when you're out on the battlegrounds."
People's faces go sheet white and I see the way that a lot of them look sick. It's as if Luke just told all of them they're going out to battle today. Not a single person looks pleased by this new information and I can only imagine the amount of tears, cries of pain, injuries, and trauma we'll all be going through today.
After all, I know I'm not going to be tough as nails when it comes to this.
"So eat quickly and prepare to get started within the next ten minutes."
Just as Luke goes to turn away, someone boldly has the nerve to question him for what's to come as they speak from the back of the cafeteria.
"Why are we just now finding this out? Couldn't we have been given a-"
"I don't owe any of you anything," Luke seethes, not in the mood to be challenged at all. "War is full of surprises, if you can't handle them now, you won't last a second out there."
"But this is-"
"Did I give permission for any of you to speak while I'm talking?" Luke demands, his voice raising as it echoes within the space. I try not to let my amusement show on my features as Luke's controlling nature used to terrify me but now, it excites me.
Especially as I've seen it in a much more fun environment.
"Ten minutes to eat is-"
"Fine, I'll give you five minutes to eat... happy?" he asks, knowing that's nowhere near the direction the person intended to take the conversation.
This causes everyone to shut their mouths, not wanting to lose this small breakfast time as they all turn back to their food, scarfing it down their throats in order to get it all finished with.
Luke remains where he is for a moment, as if challenging anyone to say anything further but luckily, they know better than to do so. For that reason, he turns away from the crowd and once again makes his way back towards our table, eyeing the room suspiciously to see if anyone has anything smart to say amongst their peers.
I begin to think that the people around here know better than that by now but am of course, proved wrong the second I see Luke stop in his footsteps. His eyes narrow in on something in particular as his eyes narrow to near slits and he looks as if he's about to kill someone. In fact, I'm nearly horrified as I see him make his way towards the back of the cafeteria, making me wonder how the hell he caught whatever someone said all the way back there.
Then again, he's Luke Hemmings. Nothing gets past him.
"What was that, Brinley?" he asks, using the name of someone I definitely recognize from the past-- purely because he must've been reprimanded before.
One man in particulars eyes widen as he seems just as stunned as myself that Luke heard. And due to his face, I know whatever he said is something he definitely doesn't want to repeat.
"I-I- what?"
"Not man enough to repeat it?" Luke demands, stopping right in front of the table as all eyes are on the two of them. Luke crosses his arms over his chest in an intimidating manner and stares down on him as if looks could kill. "Go on... say it again, for everyone to hear."
The man looks around, as if to see if everyone is really staring, and I'm sure to his dismay, they all are. He looks a million times more intimidated as he swallows back thickly and looks back to Luke. I have no idea what in the world this guy had to have said but it certainly has Luke pissed.
"I said..." he says, clearing his throat as he speaks loud enough for all to hear. "I find it interesting that Clifford isn't here... seems like you're picking favorites."
Luke chuckles, a chuckle that has no humor to it as I know he finds this far from funny. The chuckle is purely to have the guy scared out of his mind as he should be terrified of what's to follow.
"You wanna know where Clifford is?" Luke asks, looking around the cafeteria in order to ask everyone the same question. Most people look towards me as if to verify that he's not here. I don't give any of them my attention as I keep my gaze down and gulp back deeply. "He's gone. He's been working with Damien this whole time so I kicked his ass out of here last night after beating the hell out of him."
I can see the surprise consume everyone as they look to each other in shock. Clearly, no one could've seen this coming as Michael always seemed so harmless. He never caused problems or never really spoke to anyone other than me. He was always just there.
"Which means if I find out another one of you fuckers are also working for him... which I will, I'll kill you with my bare hands before you can even get a word out."
The room remains silent, no one knowing what to say as there's potential people are second guessing their choices of working for Damien and being here or no one here truly is working for Damien and Michael was the only. Nonetheless, it leaves absolutely everyone scared.
I'm sure people are freaked out by this new information as it means that we had someone giving information away about our army. It leaves us all weak and powerless as we might have to start back at square one at this point.
I assume Luke's done the conversation but I should know better from him at this point. In fact, the second I watch him grip onto the mans shirt and pull him to his feet, practically causing the antagonizer's eyes to pop out of their sockets, I suck in a sharp breath as I wonder what's to come.
"You're all useless and worthless to me here, I couldn't pick a favorite even if you paid me a million dollars to," Luke seethes, his fist red as he curls the fabric in his grip. "Question my ways again and we can start your pain tolerance even earlier than I wanted to."
The guy nods his head, clearly not wanting this to be the case as he abides to Luke's harsh words. I figured Luke would inflict some kind of pain on him for his ballsy attempt at questioning Luke but Luke proves me wrong as he just shoves him out of the grip, causing him to stumble before falling to the ground.
Luke doesn't bother to give him a second glance, instead, walking away from the scene with a shake to his head as if he can't believe he had the nerve to speak in such a way. Everyone gets back to eating, looking nowhere near Luke as they don't want to be next. As a result, I begin to eat as well, knowing he isn't going to be happy if a majority of this food isn't gone.
No one at my table says anything, probably not wanting to be the ones talking in this silent room as the air is tense and the atmosphere is far from joyful. I'm sure everyone is on edge as they know today is going to be absolutely torturous.
In fact, I hardly look up as Luke sits back down at our table, an annoyed huff leaving his lips as I don't doubt that everyone in here managed to piss him off beyond belief. I keep my thoughts to myself, continuing on with my food as the cafeteria is silent enough that you could hear a pin drop in this place.
Luke only shocks me as he speaks once more, "God, I can't wait until some of these fuckers start dying one by one."
I practically choke on my food, his words being terrifying as I can't imagine thinking in such a way. Sure, I hate a lot of the people here and they've caused an immense amount of trauma that will no doubt follow me forever. However, I could never wish death upon them as they all have families waiting on them back home and hoping for their return.
But I think that's where Luke and I differ. He's been through a place like this and he has a different perception of death than I do. And that's what terrifies me the most... not the thought of not coming out of here but the thought of the person I will be if I do.
a/n
wow im on a roll w this one after so many months of not doing anything w it
im happy that people are reading it and loving it it makes me v happy to write
thank u for being incredible and amazing ahhh i love u all dearly
all the hugs and kisses in the WORLD!