"So stay, I know you gotta be tired
When the night gets dark lemme be your fire
In the world full of lies, my only truth is you here's a letter
From me to you..."
-BLACKPINK
---
JENNIE'S POV
I was driving home after Lisa told me that she need to deal with her parents alone. I was hesitant at first but I obliged 'cause I told her she can call me if she needs help.
I just got home and there's several cars park in front of our house. I don't remember that we have an occasion right now. When I got inside our house, I saw my cousins and other relatives sitting in the dining room.
"Good evening everyone." I said to get all their attention
"Oh dear, you're right on time. We were about to start dinner." Mom approached me and lead me towards an empty seat.
"Mom, dad. when did you arrive? Glad you're both safe." I said while looking at my parents.
"We arrived an hour ago and decided to invite everyone for a simple dinner." Dad said
"And of course to celebrate holidays with our lovely daughter." Mom added
I'm just happy right now that all my worries about Lisa is a bit gone. Maybe they are okay right now 'cause I don't receive any text from here. I don't need to be a paranoid girlfriend and choose to trust her.
To Lili 💛
Hon, my parents are back and we have a family dinner with my relatives and some of my family's friend. I might not be on my phone all the time, sorry. I hope you're okay. Call me if anything bad happens at your home, okay? I will call you when I can. I love you.
Sent 5:45
After sending a text to Lisa under the table, I hide my phone back in my bag.
I was so occupied catching up with my cousins and it's almost time for them to leave.
I check my phone if there's a text from Lisa and I got none. So I said my goodbye to every guess and my relatives and decided to go to my room. After taking a bath, there's still no text from Lisa.
'Maybe they're fine now. I think that was just a small family problem' I said to myself
But I still wait for Lisa's text and I unconsciously sleep because of exhaustion.
When I woke up, I check my phone and I got messages but it's from my friends.
My Girls (Groupchat)
Winter : Morning girls, want to visit Karina at their house? She said last night that she got an emergency. So, I'm a little bit worried.
NingNing: Okay, I got nothing to do right now.
Giselle: I'm available too. See you there.
Winter: Jen, aren't you coming?
Jennie: Fine. I'm going but I will not stay for long. I still have important to do.
Giselle: Oh, important person you mean 👀
Winter: Yeah right. I know you're dating someone Jen. Haha
NingNing: Guilty! So when do you plan to introduce us to your boyfriend?
Jennie: I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. STOP TEASING ME Y'ALL.
I don't have a boyfriend 'cause I have a GIRLFRIEND. I said to myself.
I exited the group chat and just decided to do my morning routine so I can go to Karina's house, and visit also my girlfriend at their house.
*Time skips*
When I parked in front of Karina's house, there are 3 cars park outside. Maybe my friends are already here. When I knock at the door, I can hear the loud voice of Winter. Psh, I ready myself to be teased again about the boyfriend issue.
"Oh my God! I saw someone there. Karina, are you hiding someone here?" I heard Winter shout. I'm still in front of the door when I heard all of them are arguing to check if they really saw someone.
"You're being delusional. I'm alone today and no one's here except our maids." Karina defended.
Karina opened the door and saw me.
"Oh Hi Jen. Can you all go back some time. O really need to be alone right now." She said to me while pushing our three friends outside the door.
Winter got slip away from Karina's hold and run upstairs while giggling. Karina was in shocked so the other two got away and followed Winter upstairs.
Karina ran after them and I was confused so I followed them in front of a close door.
"Girls! Go away, this is a private room of my parent." Karina tried to convince them so they won't open the door.
And they start arguing and Giselle hold Karina away from the door. Winter opened it and luckily it's unlocked
The door was opened and I saw my girlfriend sitting nervous on the bed.
We were all shocked to see Lisa inside. They start throwing questions to Karina but when I regain my composure, my first instinct is to run away 'cause my mind is too clouded with thoughts.
"Jennie, wait!" I heard Lisa just behind me but I didn't look back.
I was about to go outside the gate but she reached me at the porch. She held my right arm and I was crying because of so many reasons.
"Let go of me, Lisa." I said firmly and tried to get away from her hold. I was trying to control my tears but it won't stop.
"No, unless you listen to me first. I can't let you go without hearing the truth." She answered back.
We were both crying now and just stared at each other.
I try to control my tears again when I sae my friends is watching us from the door.
"Look at me Jennie Kim. Don't look at them and be real just this once." She seriously said and it made me nervous.
"I'm sorry that I didn't inform you that I end up sleeping at your friend's house coincidentally after running from home. And--" I cut her off. And burst my anger when I heard she chose to keep it to herself instead of calling me, her girlfriend.
"Well that's the fucking problem! You're not telling me first and you just decide everything on your own. If you called me last night, I would fucking ditch that fucking dinner for you. But you chose to face it on your own and cry in someone else's shoulder." I half shouted, only Lisa can hear. I'm still concious that my friends are still watching.
She gave me a disappointed look and slowly letting go of her grip to my arm. She wiped her tears and look straight to my eyes. And I slowly feel that I fucked up.
"It feels like you're somebody else. Maybe you just love me inside a room with close doors, maybe you're just in love with me when its just the two of us in the dark room. I love you Jen but I'm tired. I'm tired hiding my pain. I'm not breaking up with you but I need space and i know you need it too." She said with all seriousness while tears keeps falling in her eyes.
I can't hold back the pain anymore and just cry when she said that. I messed up and I might lose her if don't say anything.
"No..no..no.." I pleaded while shaking my head vigorously.
I tried to hold her hand but she step back. And it breaks my heart seeing her in so much pain. We were both crying endlessly and I gave her a weak smile.
"Lisa..pls..don't l-leave me.." I pleaded between my sobs. I'm taking a step forward while she step back away from me.
No please. Don't go.
"I'm not leaving you Love. I just need some time to heal broken pieces inside of me. So I can love you whole again." She said and gave me a reassuring smile.
I can't stop her if she's asking for space. But what about me? I can't imagine life without her. Am I really that selfish?
"Come back when you're finally healed, okay? I'll be waiting." I said and chose to let her go.
"Of course I will, then I will marry you." She whisper in the air.
"I love you." I said and walk pass through me. Leaving for I don't know how long.
But I trust my Lili that she's coming back to me.
I felt my knees are becoming weak and I let myself slump on the ground and cry like there's no tomorrow.
I heard my friends and they run towards me.
"Jen, what happened?"
"Why are you crying?"
"What did the two of you argued about?"
They keep asking me but I jus cry my heart out and didn't answer any of them.
After some minutes my tears has run dry and I look like a mess. They help me stand up and said nothing.
I know my friends have so many questions but I don't feel like talking right now. So I just smile weakly at them and wave goodbye.
I slowly drive back to my house and immediately enter my room.
I just cried and my mind is full of questions.
How did we end up here?
Why did I let this happen?
Do I really deserve her?
I fall asleep repeating that questions in my head. I love you,Lisa. Please come back to me soon.
---
The next day, I feel lifeless. I can't get up from bed 'cause I still feel heavy.
I reach for my phone when I hear a notification and I was hoping it's from Lisa.
And I got up and lean on the headboard of my bed while reading her text.
From: Lili 💛
Heyyy. I'm going with mom to Bangkok for the Holidays. Take care of yourself.
What the hell. I thought she just needs some space but why does she needs 'outerspace' kind of space. I'm not used to being hundred miles away from her. And it feels like we have broken up, the way she text me.
To: Lili 💛
As far as I remember we're on a cool-off, and now you're calling me 'Heyyy' 🙄
From: Lili 💛
You're still my Nini no matter what. I promise you I'll come home to you. And tell you everything when I'm back. Thank you for understanding me. Good night.
I can't complain and tell her that I don't want her so far away from me. But I want to hold back myself from being selfish again.
Maybe she'll be back after Christmas. I can live with few days away from her. I'm trying to convince myself.
To: Lili 💛
I love you Lili and I will miss you. Can I still text you right?
From: Lili 💛
Of course you can. We'll keep in touch. I will miss you too.
She didn't say "I love you too". And I don't feel good about this 'space' thing.
Is she having doubts with me? Oh fuck, I'm going insane and paranoid. I slump back in bed and hide under the sheets.
"I can't live without you, Lili. Please come back soon. I will be waiting Hon."
I cry and cry until I lose consciousness.
********
A/N: sorry if I can't update twice a week. I'm busy and going through some shit. So please be patient. Thanks for reading, I appreciate YOU.