"I'm sorry... you what?"
I hear Luke snort at the memory, myself smiling slightly as I remember it incredibly well. In fact, I don't regret a second of it as I'd do it all over again if the opportunity presented itself.
Everyone else had cleared the room, leaving just Luke and myself to fill Declan in on everything that's taken place in his absence. Luke was reluctant to stay, willing to give me the time for my brother and I to catch up but I figured Luke would be the perfect person to inform my brother on my improvement.
I could tell Declan a million times how much I've improved but I know hearing it from Luke will mean so much more. We obviously both know Luke's a hard ass so for him to open up to him about it, I don't doubt that Declan will actually manage to believe it.
"I broke the fuckers nose."
Declan shakes his head, as if in disbelief of this all and attempts to process the story of the soldier who had the audacity to cat call me long after everyone else shut up. The things he said were repulsive and I think him and I are both well aware he'd never get away with it ever again.
"And you just let him talk about her like that?" Declan asks, turning to Luke in disbelief.
The question was inevitable and I recognized that the second I began telling the story. However, it's something I'm proud of as I stood up for myself for one of the first times in my life and the truth of the matter is, Luke did just stand back and let it happen.
No matter how we've managed to grow since then, hopefully all that matters to Declan is that history won't ever repeat itself.
"I knew she could handle herself," Luke says, looking to me for a moment.
"Yeah, but you can't just sit back and let-"
"It doesn't matter," I insist, not wanting to get into it. "He ended up with a broken nose and I sent a message to anyone watching that I'm not going to just sit back and let them say what they want."
"If Hemmings won't put him in his place, send him my way and I sure as fuck-"
"Declan, she's proven herself without the help of any of us," Luke steps in, cutting him off. "She doesn't need us to speak for her, she's strong enough to do so on her own. Speaking on behalf of her would be an insult to the image she's made for herself in the short period of time that she's been here."
A smile creeps on my lips and his words certainly are enough to send butterflies through my stomach. To hear him speak of me in a way that sounds so proud has me hanging onto his words as I know he means all of them. He truly is proud of the woman I've become while here and has proved that it hasn't gone unnoticed.
Declan looks to me, as if seeking confirmation and I just nod my head. I'm proud of the person I've become as I feel like I'm nothing like the person who ran from her family to come here. I'm stronger physically and mentally and every single obstacle and challenge has only shaped me into someone that no longer is fearful of what's to come.
"Well, coming from Hemmings... that shit actually means something," Declan says, mostly to himself as if terrified of admitting this out loud. "He's hardly someone who ever is impressed."
I can't bite back the smile that crosses my lips, the reassurance comforting to me as I never take for granted any of Luke's compliments. I know when he says it, he means it.
"Don't get too excited, she still can't shoot a damn gun," Luke says, as if not wanting Declan to think that I'm perfect. "Maybe you can spend some time this week helping her."
Luke's eyes trail off towards mine, as if this is a silent favor to me by giving me time to spend with my brother. I bite back the urge to showcase a smile, not wanting Declan to think that Luke is favoring me in any way.
"Fuck yeah, challenge accepted," Declan says in excitement. "You know there's nothing I love more than gun training."
"How pleasant," I say, regardless of the fact that I've been behind a gun plenty of times. Obviously, they don't scare me as much as they used to but hearing my brother showcase his love of guns definitely doesn't sit well with me.
"You'll be a pro once I'm done with you," Declan says, patting my back gently. "Even if the thought of my little sister holding a gun terrifies the living hell out of me."
I laugh, not blaming him in the slightest as the thought of me holding a gun before I got here was enough to make me sick. I've obviously gotten used to it but I don't know if I'll ever be entirely comfortable while holding one.
I always hid behind my brother when problems arose and depended on him to deal with anyone who looked at me the wrong way. Now, I depend on myself and I'm sure that's becoming evident to him as I don't doubt that he probably doesn't recognize the person I've become since coming here.
But I don't doubt that he's proud, nonetheless.
"Well, I'm glad that you have a crew out here looking out for you regardless," Declan says, clearly comforted by the fact that I am capable of standing up for myself but also have people that care about me here.
"She's in good hands, Declan," Luke assures, his eyes looking to me to assure me the same. I only smile, knowing this to be true as I'm thankful that I have as many people who care about me out here as I do.
" So, I don't have to worry about anyone here kissing you or anything, right? The last thing I need is some son-of-a-bitch walking around here like he's worthy of liking my little sister."
Well, those were words I certainly wasn't expecting for him to say.
I gulp back deeply, hoping it's not obvious as I try my best to not look in Luke's direction. His question has created an uncomfortable environment within milliseconds as the question seemed to have come out of nowhere.
If he only knew.
Would he be mad? Would he be okay with it? After all, he knows Luke and maybe he'd feel better knowing that he had a deeper connection to me. Maybe it's that much more reassurance to him that I could possibly make it out of here alive.
Knowing I'm a terrible liar, I attempt to word this as best as I can.
"Trust me, there's not a single soldier out here that I would fancy."
I never said anything about my Lieutenant.
Declan laughs, not catching onto my attempt of straying the attention from the possibility of Luke being the one that I'm messing around with.
"I don't blame ya, sis," he says, patting my knee and clearly being thankful to hear these words. "You're too good for all of them anyway."
My eyes can't help but catch sight of Luke's, our gazes locking instantly as I can see a teasing glint in his. In fact, it's only further solidified as he shoots me a subtle wink, one that Declan could never catch sight of. I'm thankful for this as Declan remains calm and is clearly oblivious to what's going on between Luke and myself.
"I'm sure Hemmings over here would never allow any messing around anyway," Declan says, looking to Luke with a smirk. "Am I wrong?"
Luke just shrugs it off, clearly being just as uncomfortable with idea of lying as myself. I wait for him to say something, hopefully something that'll change the subject but he seems to be just as stuck as I am when it comes to words.
"You know, if I knew sending you out here would keep boys from messing with you, I would've brought you out here with me long ago," Declan says, a teasing laugh leaving his lips as I once again let out a nervous laugh.
Does he know? Is that why he won't stop talking about it?
"Anyway," Luke is quick to say, clearing his throat as he finally diverts the subject elsewhere. "I'm going to let you two catch up on your own terms, I've got to check in on some things going on around camp. Lila, you're done for the day, correct?"
I nod my head, having finished up everything in the morning and luckily having the rest of the day free. I assume Luke would've let me have the rest of the afternoon but I'm sure he's thankful I am done considering it saves him from having to explain why he'd do something in favor of me.
"Good," is all he says. "Declan, try not to encourage my soldier to break the rules in the meantime."
"Ah, you know me too well, Hemmings."
Luke just shoots him a look of warning as if challenging him. I just laugh at the two's interaction, watching as Luke makes his way towards the exit of the cabin. Luke has made it clear that my brother always was one to test the rules around here but I know he'd never encourage me to do the same. He knows the consequences that would follow and for that, I know he'd never want me to face them.
Luke looks back once more, his gaze finding mine momentarily as if providing a proper silent goodbye, then looks to Declan.
"I'll see you two at dinner."
I watch him walk out without another word, me almost wanting to call for him back but also accepting and appreciating the fact that I finally have some time with my best friend. I've been longing to see him for the past two months and to have him here is absolutely surreal.
I can't wait to be filled in on everything that I left behind.
I'm sure he's going to have more questions about what's going on here and it's going to be a tough decision whether I decide on telling him about the other side's knowledge of me being here in his presence. I know he's going to lose his mind if I come clean about this but I also feel like he's bound to find out about it before he leaves.
I don't want him to be upset for keeping this from him.
I'm going to have to work up the courage to talk about this to him in a calm manner that can hopefully provide him some reassurance that we've got it under control and he doesn't need to lose sleep over it. However, I have a feeling it'll leave him sleepless regardless.
Declan doesn't hesitate to stand from the bed, offering a hand to help me up as he asks, "Shall we take a walk?"
I smile and nod, wanting to do nothing more than this as I accept his hand and stand from my spot. Once my feet meet the ground, I drop his hand and allow him to lead the way as he pulls open the door for the two of us.
"So how'd you luck out in getting to share the lieutenant's cabin?" Declan asks, addressing the subject I purposefully left out.
Well, a bunch of soldiers stripped me from my bed in the middle of the night and left me absolutely helpless as they dragged me down to the waterfront and tried to have their way with me. But don't worry, Ashton jumped in and saved the day!
I decide Declan is probably better off not knowing this and I should probably leave this out for Luke and I's sake. I can only imagine the scene Declan would create with this information. Obviously, the story of the pole had a happy ending as I broke the guys nose and put him in his place but with story, there is no happy ending. We never found out who did it and no one got to put those guys in their place. They're still lingering around camp and probably waiting on the perfect opportunity to strike once more.
"I think he's just looking out for me," I say, shrugging my shoulders as we step outside the cabin. "You know... with me being the only female soldier here and him knowing I'm your sister, I think it's just his idea of looking out for the both of us."
I can tell this answer pleases Declan as a smile crosses his lips and he seems to be proud to be friends with Luke. This probably put his mind at slight ease in knowing that he would do such a big gesture in order to keep me from the grubby hands of the horny men out here.
"He's a great guy, isn't he?" Declan asks, seeming to speak of his friend in such admiration.
"Yeah," I say honestly as I have grown to obviously see just how good of a guy he is. Obviously he was a hard ass at first and I couldn't stand him for it but now I know that that all only was his way of looking out for me. "I've grown to really appreciate him."
Declan looks to me for a brief moment, probably happy to hear me speak highly of his friend that he clearly cares a lot for. If only he knew what it took for me to get to this point.
"I hope he hasn't been too hard on you," Declan says, leading the way down towards the waterfront as I couldn't be oblivious to the direction he's taking us even if I tried. "He has a weird way of showing people he cares about them."
I laugh, knowing this to be nothing but true as he definitely put me through the wringer. In fact, he still challenges me and tests my limits but I know he only wants what's best for me and that's why he does it.
"Nothing I can't handle," I say to him honestly.
As we begin the trek down the path, Declan continues his conversation of Luke, "Don't ever tell Ashton I said this but he was always my best friend out there. Once that guy cares about someone... he will literally jump in front of a bullet without a second of hesitation."
I gulp back, believing his words to be true as I can't imagine the pain he felt when he watched Declan lose his arm. I know he wishes more than anything that he can go back into time and switch places or really do anything to prevent it. I especially know that he no doubt beats himself up for it every single day.
"He may come off as this tough asshole but he's the most loving, dedicated, caring, man I've ever met in my life," Declan says, shaking his head as if not capable of believing that one person can be such a way. "He'd never admit that because he doesn't want people to see this emotional side to him but I've seen it all. I've seen him at his greatest highs and his worst lows."
I look down, not even being able to picture Luke at a low point. I can't imagine a look of weakness in his eyes as he always has come off as tough and superior in every situation I've ever been in with him. In all honesty, it'd probably break me to see him showcasing any other kind of emotion.
I don't know if my heart could handle seeing him hurt.
"Which is why I'm happy to know he's out here with you," Declan says, making me look towards him. "I know he's going to do everything in his willpower to get you home and I don't doubt for a second that he can make sure of it."
I smile softly, hearing confidence in my brother's words as he's seen Luke in action and he knows what he's capable of. He knows him in that scene way more than I do and to hear him say this with such certainty has me feel the slightest bit better about this all. Obviously, the reality of not making it out of there alive is prominent and lingering but I do believe that I'm in the best hands possible.
"And when you both come out in one piece... with both arms and all," he says, the last part an attempt to be funny but only causing my stomach to twist in discomfort. "I can't wait to get drunk as fuck and celebrate."
I laugh at this, the idea being unfathomable as I can't imagine coming out of war and then just going home to get drunk and celebrate. I feel like the first thing I'll want to do is just lie in my bed and sleep peacefully for the first time in months. Especially coming right out of it, I'm sure I'll be getting no sleep.
"Tempting."
"And I'm sure every guy imaginable is going to be all over my bad ass sister but I won't allow it!" Declan says, our feet coming in contact with the beach as we make it down to the familiar waterfront that I've already made a plethora of memories at. "Nope, they're going to have to beat up her bad ass brother first!"
I roll my eyes, a teasing smile on my lips as I say, "Am I going to have to be single for the rest of your life?"
"Preferably."
I shoot him a look in disbelief and he just shoots me a smile as if to show he's kidding. I nudge him as a response and he just takes the opportunity to throw his arm around me and hold me close for the first time in months.
"How's everyone back home?" I can't help but ask, switching the subject.
"Well, I will say you caused quite the storm when you snuck out and didn't tell a soul that you had a death wish," he says, his tone nonchalant as I'm surprised his words aren't harsher. "And I'm not going to lie, a lot of people aren't expecting to see you ever again."
I snap my head towards him, shocked to hear these words as they are haunting. Who are these people he's referring to? They don't have any confidence in me?
"I didn't blame them until I got here," he says. "And I'm looking at you, and seeing the way Luke has an urge to protect you and-"
"Who doesn't think they'll see me again?" I ask, my voice hurt as I can't imagine anyone accepting this.
People are accepting my death before it's happened? People aren't even giving me the benefit of the doubt and are just carrying on as if I'm already dead?
Declan is hesitant before he says, "Mom... Sami... but-"
My heart breaks.
I don't listen to what he follows up with as I feel sick to my stomach. It hurts to know this and I'm sure it's been hard for Declan as well. I don't doubt that he's been holding onto every single ounce of hope that he can and for people to already accept me as gone... I can't imagine he's handled that well.
"But they're going to be so happy when I come home and tell them how well you're doing!" he quickly assures, but I just shake my head. "They've been gutted and hurting more than you can imagine, this will be so good for them to hear."
"They didn't have any faith in me?" I ask, my voice sounding hurt as I can't process his words at all. "They just accepted me as already dead?"
Declan shuts his mouth, as if recognizing his confession and understanding what it really means. I'm not upset that he told me, I'm glad that he did. However, it's definitely a punch in the gut to know that the people I love don't have any faith in me.
"Lila... this isn't a game of kickball you threw yourself into-"
"You don't think I know that?" I ask, stepping out of his grip in order to stop my movements and look at him. "You don't think the past two months have taught me that?"
"No, I'm sure they have and I see that now but they haven't seen this side of you. All they saw was a girl who threw herself on a boat with no prior training and just an impulsive mind."
I look away in disbelief, the words getting harder and harder to hear.
"All I've dealt with since being here is people doubting me," I say, referring to Ashton, all the awful soldiers who taunted me, etc... "No one has given me an ounce of confidence and it hurts more than anything to know that my family couldn't even give me that... at least just a little bit of hope that I could make it home."
"Lila, I know it sucks to hear but they're going to be so happy to hear that you're doing so well out here," he tries. "They've been hurting so deeply while trying to process their assumption but to know that they don't have to worry about it anymore... that's going to mean so much to them."
Yeah, well your words mean a lot to me too. Enough that I only want to prove them wrong that much more.
"Everyone was in shock when they found out about what you did... mom wouldn't leave her room for a week. It was an uncomfortable feeling we all had as you always were this small, timid girl who never knew how to speak up for yourself. Can you really blame us for having doubts about you making it through something as traumatizing as war?"
I keep my mouth shut, wanting him to continue.
"God, Lila, when I got home that morning... you would've thought that someone had walked into our home and murdered our whole family. I fell to the ground and cried like I've never cried before for two hours straight," Declan says, his voice sounding hurt as I try not to imagine the scene that no doubt would haunt me if I was able to visualize it in the slightest. "The only thing I could get out to mom was that you were gone and that's all she needed to know."
I can't imagine what that was like for them. I hate knowing I put them through that pain but I know it was necessary. I know I had to do that for them and I had no other choice. Me going out here posed the opportunity for the best outcome.
"Mom just went right to her room and began to cry as well, neither of us talked about it because we only accepted you as gone forever. We didn't think of the possibility that you could make it out because we've never seen you in an environment like this. We figured you did it knowing that you wouldn't make it out either."
I keep my lips sealed, knowing that I walked into this with no confidence in myself either. I knew I could make it through training as I owed that to Declan at the very least but the thought of surviving war was unfathomable. I didn't dare envision myself as someone who could actually get through something like that.
For that reason, maybe I can't blame them for thinking the same. The truth is, they have no idea how I'm doing out here and have no idea of my progress. They don't know the woman I've become and the strength I've built mentally and physically.
"Which is why I'm so glad to go home and tell them that everything's going to be okay," Declan says, his voice soft as he places a gentle hand on my shoulder. "I can't wait to tell mom that she doesn't have to cry herself to sleep any more and she doesn't have to force herself to eat and she doesn't have to fear for the little girl she knew that came out here alone."
His words are comforting as I hear the confidence he has in me. It's nice to hear his words of encouragement as he's seen such a change in me even in the short period of time we've spent together. He's proud of me and that's extremely evident.
"I'm sorry that we didn't have the faith you were hoping for," he says, his tone genuine as he looks into my eyes. "You deserved more than that and I regret spending so much time worrying about you as I now see that you didn't need anyone worrying about you... you had it under control all along."
A smile creeps up on my lips, his words meaning more than he probably knows. Especially as I can tell they're genuine and to know that he can go home with a good feeling and hopefully not have to worry as much as I did when he was away, that's all I could ever ask for.
"I'm so fucking proud of you, Lila," he says, the words falling out easily. "I'm so damn proud that you were strong enough to come out here in place of your big brother and I'm so damn proud of the person you've become in the process. What you did is something most people would be petrified of doing and you did it without blinking an eye."
"I'd do anything for you, Dec. You know that," I speak up.
I hope he knows my words to be true. Especially as I know he'd do the same. The truth of the matter is, Declan and I have a bond unlike any other and we truly will go to the ends of the earth for one another. I hope that this gesture has proved that to him and he ultimately recognizes that I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep him safe.
"I do know that," he says, a laugh leaving his lips. "Not many people are crazy enough to go to literal war for someone."
I crack a smile, turning around to begin the trek along the waterline once more. I take the opportunity to link my arm in his and lean my head on his shoulder as I appreciate this moment of peace that I know won't last for long.
"Just tell everyone I love them," I say, shutting my eyes softly. "That's all I could ever ask for."
"Without a doubt," Declan promises, tightening his grip on my arm. "They're going to be so happy to know one day they're going to hear those words from you again."
I soak in his words, thinking of the possibility of making it out of here and back home. Obviously I know it's not promised but it's something I do consider likely as I can't help but have confidence in the outcome of this all.
I just wonder what life is going to be like after this. Will Luke and I go on as if we never knew one another? Will Michael and I stay close and become best friends in a normal environment? Will Luke be close by and want to continue on with what we have? Would Declan allow us to pursue one another?
Regardless of how negative or positive the thoughts are, they're all enticing. Especially as it's a promise of a future and a promise that I can get through this hell and then make it home.
I could stand here and contemplate the thought that this trip could be the last time Declan ever sees me alive. I could think about all the hurt that my family will go through as they were presented with the idea of hope. I could think about the possibility of Luke making it out of here without me and how he'd blame himself for it.
I could think of all of these things.
But I know better than to dwell on negative thoughts as it'll only haunt me and prevent me from progressing while here. I need motivation and I need confidence in myself in order to do my best and give myself the best possible outcome. No matter how daunting this may all be, I owe it to myself to believe in my future.
I am going to make it through this and I'm going to make it out of here the best possible version of myself. I'm going to make Declan proud and make him regret ever fighting me on trying to come out here.
I'm going to be the version of me I could've never imagined in a million years but at the same time, a version of me that is so much better than the me that came out here.
a/n
hi everyone!
im sorry for the wait its been months wow
the truth is, ive lost A LOT of inspo when it comes to this book as my reads/votes/comments have dropped completely and it just isnt fun to write anymore. but i don't want to give it up as ive made it so far and have to reach the finish line
theres still a lot to come that i want to share with you all but i really need some help in getting this book back on its feet!
i know this chap was probably kinda boring but v needed for lila/declan to catch up!
let me know your thoughts and predictions, as always! thank you for reading, i love you all!