I feel like I just mess everything up.
Like... Maybe, if I'd never come into anyone's lives- if I would've just killed myself or been killed all those years ago- then none of this would've happened.
Everything is my fault.
I'm the one who slept with all those men- even if I didn't want to, I did... I didn't tell anyone, I didn't make it stop. After a point, I didn't even protest anymore. And even though I felt like I couldn't, I just knew it'd make everything all that much worse, I still should've tried.
I'm so stupid.
If it weren't for me, everyone would be happy. Hunter would find some nice girl to date and fall in love with, rather than being stuck to my hip, worried for my wellbeing. Amanda would be able to focus on herself, Issac, and their baby. Nick and Lila would be raised by proper parents who sobered up after seeing what happened to me. Jamie would never have known the loneliness of sitting alone in a hospital room-unconscious or otherwise- while her family sat with a whore. Nathan and Kimberly would've been happily married, since he would never have strayed onto that dark path.
I'm just worthless.
Even my own parents couldn't care about me. My father sold my body, allowed men to drug me, beat me, use me... Night after night after night. My mother treated me as scum. I wasn't worth enough for even a moment of her time. Then, the moment she believed I'd done something wrong, she threatened my way of life- even if it wasn't much of a life to begin with.
I'm afraid.
What if everyone I love now finally realizes that I'm not worth all this time and energy? What will happen when Kimberly, Hunter, Amanda, and Jamie all realize that I'm just a lost cause? What about when Nick and Lila grow up and learn about all the awful, disgusting things their sister has done over all these years? They'll look at me as though I'm a monster. A freak. And, while I am all those things, I just can't bring myself to be okay with it. I don't want to be tossed aside, treated like the nothing I am... I don't want everyone to leave me behind, moving on with their lives.
I'm selfish.
I want everyone to stay with me. I want my little family to stay together. I want Amanda and I to have our babies, then let them grow up just like siblings; to be best friends until the end. I want Hunter and I to continue developing this bond we're creating; for the sibling love we have for one another to grow. I want Kimberly to still love me as her daughter, even though I practically turned her life upside down. I want Nick and Lila to never know the real reason we left Mom and Dad, to always just accept when I say it was for the best.
I want the life I don't deserve.
I want to be happy.
I want to be loved.
I want to love.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
A cry escapes my lips as I stare up into the foresty green orbs above me. They hold a malice I know all too well; the sickening desire left deep inside them sends chills down my spine.
"W-Why?"
My body trembles with the pain I know is coming, my fear overtaking all other senses so I feel numb, yet each of his touches send a shocking pain through me.
"What... Did I do?"
My voice is small, timid, raspy, as it had been when I was stuck with him.
However, I get no response. I should've known. I never do.
Since I was young, just a little kid, I've never gotten an answer beyond "You deserve it", "It's fun", or my personal favorite, "Just shut up and do as you're told."
I take in a deep breath, staring up at him. His pitch black bangs fall forward, brushing against my forehead with every movement. "Because I love you, Harley."
His voice comes out as a whisper. A winded reminder of how harsh those words can be. Those words which some believe to be the ultimate confession of compassion and dedication. I, however, learned long ago that 'love' is just a word. A word invented to trick someone into doing whatever you want.
They don't even have to trick me, though... That's why I don't understand.
I don't fight back- I'm too afraid.
So why do they have to continue to corrupt those three words? It's almost painful to even tell Lila and Nick that I love them, now. See what they've done to me?
Especially the man above me, now... His hot breath hitting my face, his hands roughly gripping each and every part of my body.
I loved him. I really, truly loved him.
So why would he, of all people, hurt me like this?
I stare up into those eyes once again, seeing all the 'love' he has for me.
It was once a most brotherly affection, a protective instinct embedded deep within him. His strong arms were a source of protection and safety in my eyes. His strength was my hope, his love was my strength.
But, what now? Now that he's there, breaking me just like they all have... Now that my heart is being shattered into a million pieces while my body feels like it's being torn in two, who do I have left?
What can I do to heal from this? To stop myself from feeling so worthless, used, broken..?
I know I've got to keep living... I know I've got to take care of Nick and Lila, make sure that nothing bad ever happens to them, but.. What about me? I know it's a selfish thought, but lately I've been having a lot of those. I actually want to be happy, I want a good life. I don't want to be forced into doing things I hate, that hurt me, that make me want to scream and cry even though I can't.
But for my little kiddos, I'll continue to put up with it.
I glance over at the clock after he leaves me. 12:02 AM. So, not as bad as his Dad, but still pretty bad... I honestly didn't think he'd last as long as he did. I didn't think he'd realize how my body has been trained to react the way every man wants, even if I feel nothing from it but pain and terror... All of them like that, never once have they complained... Is that really all any man wants? Just for a woman to be beneath him, contorting to his will no matter the physical, emotional, or mental toll on her?
I'm beginning to think so.
I turn on my back, and simply stare up at the ceiling. I remember how I used to lay in bed and allow the sobs to overtake my body before rushing to a bathroom and cleaning up. But right now, I don't feel like I want to cry at all. I feel as though this is something I deserved. Had I really done something so awful that I deserved to be punished in this way by every man I meet? By everyone I trust, will I be betrayed?
My eyes slowly close, and I take in a deep breath. Upon my exhale, I open my eyes only to once more see those green ones directly above me. My breath hitches in my throat, and suddenly a sharp pain radiates from my lower stomach to my legs, shooting through my whole body soon enough. A pain like I'd never felt, and I can't take my eyes away from those captivating green ones. My mind screams at me to run as whimpers escape my mouth. I can't even blink, that's how far he holds me in his clutches.
"Hunter..." My word comes out a pleading whisper as tears begin running down my face. The smile growing on his face causes him to squint his eyes, his hand twisting farther into my stomach until he pulls out the fetus of one of my babies and crushes it. My blood and the shattered remains of my child turn to dust, and a breeze flows gently through the window and carries it off.
The tears intensify as the pain becomes sharper, a loud screeching sound aching my ears. Again Hunter reaches a hand into my stomach, my skin tearing as easily as tissue paper by the force of his entry. I scream out, his hand once again full of my child until he pulls it in two, the breeze returning to once more carry away the remains of my child. My flesh and blood.
"Why?" Again I plead to him. Though I want to shout, to scream from the rooftops, to beat the man before me until he explains and tells me it's not true... Until he tells me that my children are still alive and inside of me, until he says that he didn't do those things to me...
No... Hunter wouldn't hurt me... He wouldn't hurt my babies. He wouldn't hurt a fly, for goodness sakes!
This must be a dream... A nightmare, more like... All I've got to do is wake up, and everything will be back to normal... Right?
I take in another deep breath and close my eyes tightly, willing myself to awaken. However, the exact opposite happens as when I open my eyes once more, I only see him crushing my child in his bare hand.
I try again.
This time he again rips it in two.
Again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
Until finally, I scream out in absolute terror. I scream in sadness, in fear that this would never end. I scream in mourning for my unborn, and now unliving children. I cream in anger at Hunter for turning into someone I couldn't even recognize. I scream for Kimberly not keeping me safe, at myself for possibly endangering Nick and Lila, at my parents for ever giving birth to us three, at Amanda for having a child through love, yet still saying she understands me..
I scream for all my woes, all my troubles, all my fears and distresses... I scream until I can scream no more, until my eyes are tightly shut and tears stream down. I scream out in bloody murder until I feel multiple sets of gentle hands caressing my body in the gentlest of ways, obviously in concern rather than anything harsh.
One last time I open my eyes. My hope gone from thinking I may see a different outcome.
For once, I'm pleasantly surprised to see Nick and Lila sitting at the foot of my bed, looking at me with tear-streaked faces and horrified expressions. Kimberly stands in her flannel night dress, looking at me sadly as she rubs my hand. Amanda stands to my left, her hand stroking and smoothing out my hair as I hear gentle whispers coming from her mouth, but can't quite understand them.
Then there's him.
Kneeling right beside my head, is Hunter. I flinch backward, whimpering slightly as I pull out of his reach, no longer able to be touched by his warm hands. He looks pained by that action, as if it'd hurt him for me to pull away, to not wish to be in his embrace...
Kimberly notices and gently pulls him out of the room, leaving me alone with Amanda, Nick, and Lila. Almost instantly the kids jump up and lunge into my arms. It's instinctual for me to wrap my arms around them, allowing them to bury their faces against my shoulders while they cry and I silently comfort them. Amanda, on the other hand, simply takes a seat next to my legs and gives me a sympathetic look. 'You okay?' She mouthes the words as to not disturb the children, and I faintly nod, giving an apologetic smile. She smiles back to me, though there's an emotion in her eye I can't quite decipher.
Moments later Kimberly reenters my room and takes her place next to my bed yet again. I give her a smile as well, realizing that the kids had already cried themselves to sleep against me...
They must've been so tired, but were worried and came in here for me, anyway... They truly are the perfect kids...
"Are you alright, Harley?" Kimberly's voice comes out soft and comforting as she reaches out to wipe the tears off my face. My smile becomes grateful and apologetic all swirled together as I nod and answer back in a hoarse voice, "Yeah, I'm fine... Just a bad dream, I suppose.."
Her understanding nod puts me at ease, it means I don't have to explain any further if I don't want to. I nod back, and look down at the kids. "I should probably put them back to bed, now... I don't want them to get muscle aches from scrunching themselves up like this all night."
All at once, Amanda jumps up with a wide grin. She reaches out and gently pulls the kids off me, holding one on each him as she gives me a soft smile. "I'll get 'em, Har. You just get some sleep, alright? You deserve it." Again, I smile gratefully and nod. "Thank you, Amanda.. I'll be sure to make it up to you soon enough." She scoffs playfully and rolls her eyes, "Yeah. By watching my kids whenever I feel like I want a break." She winks before turning and walking out the door. I chuckle lightly and look up again at Kimberly.
"I really am sorry for waking and worrying all of you... I swear I didn't mean to, it's just stuff I've still got to get over, I guess..." Once more the mother figure before me nods, her soft hand coming down to gently caress my cheek. "It's really no problem, Harley. You're our family now, and real family looks out for one another... We wouldn't just leave you when you were shouting and crying like you were, it'd just be cruel..!"
A soft smile appears on my face as I nod, "Yeah... I guess you're right..."
"Besides, I'm willing to bet you'd do the same for any of us, right?"
"Oh, of cours-"
"And that's why it's okay. That's why you don't have to thank us for every little thing, or act as though you're a guest in this home. I know you've been through a lot, and it's painful, and hard for you to realize that there really are people who care about you. But all of us do. None of us would ever hurt you intentionally, and none of us would ever force you into doing something you're not comfortable with." She seems to hesitate for a moment before giving me a teasing look and quirks an eyebrow, "Except reading your essays in class... You've still gotta do that." She winks as I groan in frustration and allow my eyes to once again close.
It's then that I realize just how tired I truly am... Despite having slept enough to have that awful dream, I'm still exhausted... Maybe it just wore me out so much it cancelled out the few hours I'd gotten to sleep before? I open my eyes again and glance beside my bed to the digital clock, and my eyes practically pop out of my head with how wide they grow as I see the little blue digits shining brightly, with no room for argument, 10:40. With that little blue dot right beside the 0 in 40, I know that means it's night time...
I turn to look up at Kimberly, her amused expression telling me everything I need to know. "I slept all day..?!" She chuckles softly and nods, reaching down to ruffle my hair before kissing my forehead and gently pushing me flat against the bed, then pulling the covers up to my chin once more.
"You did, sweet heart. And now it seems like you need to sleep some more. So close your eyes, and dream of happy things like puppies, rainbows, unicorns, chocolate ice cream with whipped cream and gummy bears..." She cringes slightly at the last option, making me giggle softly and nod. "Yep..." I put my hands over my mostly flat stomach, "They like what they like~"
She shakes her head in humor before leaning down to kiss my forehead again. "Goodnight, Harley. Sleep well." I smile and nod, kissing her cheek before she completely pulls away then close my eyes and snuggle deep under the covers. "You sleep well too, Kimberly..."
After hearing the door click shut, it doesn't even take me a full two minutes to be unconscious once more. And much to the relief of my subconscious, this sleep is black. Image-less. No dreams what so ever, meaning no nightmares. Just a deep, uninterrupted, peaceful sleep.