CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE
the semantics
•••
ᴏᴀᴋʟᴇʏ ᴄᴀʀɪʟʟᴏ
I didn't like being on medication. Taking them ruined my completely planningless lifestyle, they made me nauseous, and they gave me terrible diarrhea. However, I did learn to live with them eventually. After causing Nolan to have massive headaches and even more anxiety.
It's been roughly a week since I've been taking them consistently now, and I could tell Nolan was being a bit more relaxed. The Instagram situation was still fucked up, but I had to put it in the background for now to focus on my health, as Nolan suggested.
"Why are you still here?" my sister asked as I was just sitting on the couch, scrolling through my phone with the TV providing me some background noise. I'd been sitting on this couch for a solid six hours, only getting up to get food or to use the toilet. I was waiting for some kind of text from Mason who was currently having a meeting with the label about the unreleased music, how to keep it on the low, and what to possibly do with it.
"I live here?" The way she looked at me made even me question that. Her nose was slightly scrunched up, and one of her eyebrows was just the tiniest bit raised.
"I'm just surprised you've been sitting here all day when you haven't been at home at all lately."
"Yeah. I still have an album to finish, the label has most of my unreleased projects and Nolan is leaving in a few days."
"He's leaving? And what unreleased projects?"
"Yeah. Some movie. He's gonna be gone for a few months." Talking about it made me dizzy. I didn't like how he was leaving right as I started getting better. "I'll see if we can meet when he has a day off, though. As for the unreleased projects... it's bad. It's really bad."
"Elaborate?"
"My Instagram got leaked again," I said, watching her as she groaned in frustration.
"Do you not learn from your mistakes?" she asked, clawing the air with her hands like a melodramatic children's cartoon.
"In my defense, I was in a really weird place mentally! Either way, Mason's talking to the label now so there's nothing I can do, really."
"Fair." She sat down next to me, her hands resting on her knees. She wasn't slouching as she'd usually do. She looked like she was a guest in a stranger's house and didn't know what to do or say.
"Uhm, you okay?" I asked. I didn't think leaked songs would have her in such a state. Not if she didn't even get the hear the full story yet.
She looked at me with an expression I couldn't quite read. Her eyes were wide and her mouth slightly open, like she was planning on saying something but changed her mind.
"Yeah. I'm good," was what she did end up saying. That wasn't what she had planned out in her head, though.
"Then why do you look like that day you had to flush Goldi down the toilet?"
She looked down, letting out a deep sigh.
"Are you okay?" I asked again, this time maybe a little less judgmental.
"I'm good," she repeated. "I was just thinking that maybe we could do something fun together? But you probably have something else to do later today, so it's fine if you can't."
"I mean, what do you wanna do? We can catch a movie if you want to."
"Yeah, but like..." a moment of silence passed as she was in her mind, thinking about something I clearly couldn't figure out. When she looked back up, the look in her eyes basically said 'fuck it' as she continued to speak again. "I'm okay. But are you?"
I was a little taken aback by the question, which was probably why she was so hesitant to ask. It was such a simple question, and by the way she acted, I expected something a lot more serious.
"Of course I am. Why?"
She rolled her eyes. "You can't be serious."
I narrowed my eyes in confusion.
"When was the last time we've truly had a conversation, Oakley? Do you remember?"
I started digging. The last time I saw her wasn't too long ago. It was right before I went to stay at Nolan's place for a couple of days. I passed her outside on the porch as she was leaving for school. I told her to have a great day and went inside, not paying her any mind. I was pretty sure it was around the time the antidepressants started messing with my head. Back when my mind was racing, came up with ridiculous lyrics and musical concepts I could barely now understand myself. And which I apparently also posted to Instagram.
Everything before then was pretty much a blur. I knew things that happened, but it was like the emotions tied to it were missing.
I remembered Nolan helping me do my hair. Him helping me get dressed, brushing my teeth, changing clothes like I was incapable of doing these things myself. Maybe I was incapable of it at that time.
But then, after a while of giving it a thought, I remembered. I'd practically told her I was actively trying to die.
"I'm so sorry. I should've never put you through that. I promise you I never meant it like that."
She started crying silently, and I didn't know what to do but to get off my ass and wrap an arm around her.
"I don't wanna lose you," she said.
"I'm so sorry for everything," I told her. "I promise you, I'm doing good. I'm doing great, even. Nolan helps me through a lot of shit, even after I've repeatedly made him feel crap. Mom and dad are always there for me too, even if I sometimes feel like I'm kind of burdening them with all that I'm asking from them. And you, you're my little sister. I'm supposed to be the one looking out for you, not the other way around. All I want is to make sure you're okay."
We sat in silence for a few more minutes. Trisha occasionally sucked in a deep breath.
"Let's watch a movie together. In the movie theater. It'll be like old times. Remember when I took you to Barbie?"
She let out a soft giggle, almost inaudible if she didn't follow up with the rest of the story.
"And you sang along to all the songs like you were giving a Barbie concert. All the little kids loved it."
"Exactly," I told her. "So what do you wanna see?"
"To The Moon," she said without hesitation, wiping the last of her tears away.
"Seriously? That's gonna be so boring!" I argued. "Can't we watch the one with Jeremy Sailor and Tina Raegen? With the spy girl, what's her name?"
She laughed at me like everything was back to normal. Just like that, in a few minutes. "No! I've been wanting to see To The Moon for ages!"
"It's gonna be so weird though. Nolan's dad's in it." I was pretty sure he was some creep in that movie too.
"Which is exactly why we should go and watch it! You gotta support your future in-law, Oakley. It'll be fun."
•••
"You're gonna get so jealous when Nolan's movies come out," she said after the movie ended. "You already took this way too seriously."
So maybe I complained about a few people? Characters. I complained about a few characters.
"I'm sorry! I was just really invested, okay?"
"So are you gonna get 'invested' when Nolan makes out with Maria Carson on-screen too?"
Maybe I clenched my jaw just a little bit at that.
"I hate you," I said, dragging the word 'hate' so she'd really get the point.
"I heard it might get a little steamy with Garret Clover in that new—"
"I heard you, alright? I get your point. You won. You can stop torturing me now."
"Aw." She stuck out her bottom lip and scrunched her face together. "My poor brother is dating an actor. The type of the girls in my class fawn over. Probably with posters of him on their walls..."
"Too bad he's taken," I said, prying Trisha's drink out of her hands and throwing it in the trash can we so could finally go home.
"Hey, I wasn't finished," she said quietly.
"You don't deserve it," I told her.
"I was kidding! You and him are perfect together. Literally."
"You think so?" Because I knew in my heart that if this were to somehow not work out, I would have a really hard time picking myself back up. Nolan was my person. We got each other. We were there for each other. Like the north and south pole of a magnet, holding each other up.
"Definitely. You do need to work on the jealousy though. It's gonna cause problems in the long run if you don't take care of it now."
"Says you." I rolled my eyes as we almost made it to my car. "You've never even been in a relationship."
"Yes, says me. I read, Oakley. I don't want you to mess things up with him because I know he makes you happy."
"You rubbing the fact that he'll be kissing dozens of other people doesn't quite help."
"Just laying out the facts there! You just need to remember you're the only person he kisses just because he feels like it. The other ones are just part of his job. Like all this time you'd been pretending to be straight."
"I wasn't pretending!"
"Yes, you were! Don't tell me you even remotely liked Hanna or Siya or even that one girl whose name I forgot."
"I was trying things out. That's not the same as pretending."
"How did you not know you weren't into girls? You didn't compare it or something?"
"I'm honestly not sure I'm into guys either, Trisha."
"But you're into Nolan."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm into guys per se." I never thought about this too deeply. It was hard to explain something I didn't fully understand myself. "If I compare anything I'd ever felt for anyone to what I feel for Nolan, nothing comes close. Not a girl, not a guy, no one in between or outside of that. It's just him. I'm not sure if that would make me gay or not. I don't bother with the semantics."
"At the end of the day it doesn't matter," she says with a shrug. "You're my brother either way."
"Exactly," I said, offering her the last of my own drink as a peace offering for throwing away hers.
"Ew, I don't know where your mouth's been recently."
"Jesus, Trisha. You're disgus—"
My phone interrupted us, Nolan's name appearing on my phone once I checked it.
"Hm, speaking of the devil," she said. I flipped her off and picked up my phone.
"Where are you?" he asked. Not even a 'hi'. He just got straight to the point.
"Heading home. Why?"
"I'm your personal reminder to take your meds."
"Fuck," I swore. "I'll be fine. I'll take them in a minute or ten. But I gotta start driving now so I'll call you later?"
"Of course. I love you," he said, the smile seeping through his voice.
"I love you too. Bye."
Why did he make me so fucking happy?
"Forgot to take your antidepressants?" my sister asked after I started the car.
"No?" I said. I thought she knew about the entire situation. "Lithium."
"Lithium?"
"Did I not tell you?"
She shook her head.
"I'm on lithium now."
"And that's not an antidepressant?"
"No, it's a mood stabilizer. I'm bipolar."
"How did I miss this?"
"It's not your fault," I said. "I was barely home. How were you supposed to know?"
"I've known you for all my life. Feels like something I should've noticed," she said. She looked down at her hands, her mind definitely not on our conversation anymore.
"You're a child. There's no way you could've known."
"I'm fifteen!"
"Exactly, a child. And I'm fine anyway. Nolan took good care of me. He made sure I didn't do anything too stupid. He made sure I kept taking my meds, even if I didn't always treat him too nicely. I need to find a way to make it up to him."
"Yeah, you better give him something really special."
"Do you have any ideas? Because I'm clueless."
Trisha shrugged, staring out ahead of her. "I don't know him as well as you do. I think it has to be something personal."
"He likes cooking, loves baking, obviously likes acting too. Oh, and he loves me."
"Yeah, but those things are all superficial." Not gonna lie, that hurt. "You need to think of something more... obscure. Something his friends wouldn't notice."
That was bound to be a little more difficult.
"It's gonna take some digging," I admitted. "I'll figure it out though. And if I need help, I'll come to you."
I started the car, finally driving us home. My sister and I sat in silence for the beginning of the ride, but she had some questions when we got about halfway there.
"So what's your plan with him?"
"Plan?"
"Yes. Your plan. What kind of future are you imagining? Are you guys gonna get married? Are you gonna take his last name or is he gonna take yours? Do you want children?" She grinned at me, trying to tease me with these questions. My face matched her expression.
"We haven't talked about it. Not like that."
"So what? You're just gonna see where it goes?"
"I guess so," I said, my eyes focused on the road as I tried not to get distracted by my wandering thoughts.
"I think you guys should start having some of those talks."
"Once again, you're a child."
"And you're an adult, which is exactly why you need to have these talks!"
I mean, I get it. We'd been together for half a year at this point. I was always with him anyway. He was also the only person I could say I'd wanted a relationship with, let alone fallen in love with. If this didn't work out, I didn't think I'd ever fall in love again.
I knew it was an irrational thought. I was only twenty and this was my first serious relationship. Maybe it was a little more difficult for me to like someone, but it happened once, so it could happen again. Though in all honesty, I had already written off relationships in my mind before I met him.
I thought it was cheesy. I thought people were fooling themselves when they talked about the butterflies in their stomach, taking a bullet for someone, or simply living with this one person for the rest of their lives without going crazy. Kissing to me was just skin touching skin. Making out was just exchanging spit. Sex was something I still didn't understand. If even Nolan couldn't help me, maybe no one could. All of this kinda had me curious though.
When we finally arrived home, I went straight up to my room without even calling for my parents. I just wanted to change into something more comfortable as I was staying at home for the rest of the day anyway. But when I noticed a figure somewhere in my peripheral vision, my heart made a little jump and I let out a small yelp when two arms wrapped around me.
"Fuck, Nolan. You scared the shit outta me." I said, finally relaxing a little bit as I got a little bit of his scent.
"I know. That was the plan," he said.
"Couldn't even go a day without me, huh?" I asked.
"Don't flatter yourself. I don't know whether you realized, but you forgot these at my place." He threw me the bottle of pills that supposedly hadn't been in my bathroom like I thought they were.
I was absolutely dependent on him.
"What happened to trying to avoid my dad?"
"I kinda used the pills as an excuse to myself. I had to have the Talk before I leave," he said, looking down at the floor as his cheeks turned red. "Am I still shaking? Because I swear I was shaking."
"Wow, so you actually talked to him?"
He nodded, a small ghost of a smile playing on his lips. "I- I'm not sure he trusts me, though." He shook his head, scratching at his bracelet. "I still feel kinda... like I don't think your dad likes me."
"He does, trust me."
A smile spread on his face as one did on mine too. "You seem... calm. How's it going inside of here?" he asked, tapping my temples with his fingers.
"Fine. I'm sleeping normally again. I don't ramble on any more than usual. I also don't wanna wither away. I'm guessing this is what normal feels like."
Though as much as I was fine with the place I was in, I was disappointed as some issues didn't seem to go away. I was still suffering from some blockage in my songwriting. My body still wasn't back to what it used to be, even if it wasn't much to begin with.
"I know you're still dealing with a lot of pressure. I just want you to know you can talk to me. Promise you'll do that?"
"I will, if you promise me one thing too."
"And what is that?"
"You'll open up with me too."
He nodded, a smile on his face once again. He rested his forehead against mine. "I will. If I ever need to vent, you're the first person I'll come to."
When I was happy with my answer, I kissed him. With him, it wasn't just skin touching skin or swapping saliva. With him, every kiss felt like a confirmation. With every kiss, I was reminded of how I loved him and how he loved me back and that as long as we did that, we could have our happily ever after.
•••
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Hi to everyone who's new! I saw I had a bunch of new readers and I don't really know why this story blew up, but I'm glad it did :)
To all older readers who are still here, thank you for sticking around! I know it's been a while since my last update, so I'm sorry 😬
I hope to finish this story somewhere around February (but I've said similar stuff before and clearly, it didn't work out lol). I've already started rewriting, but it's gonna be pretty drastic (some scenes taken out, some added, some subplots worked out better) so I'm not sure whether I'll publish a new version or just change this one. I do have a backup of the original just so I can track my progression. So the question of the update: what do you think I should do? Keep this one separate or improve it?
Anyway, I hope you had fun reading this chapter! Don't forget to vote if you haven't ❤️
Bye✨