Alice POV
"GOOD JOB TRENT!!"
Daisy whistled with two fingers in her mouth, the ear-splitting noise causing me to recoil and almost lose the sunglasses from the top of my head.
"Holy shit, Dais... warn me next time..." I laughed, startled at the volume she was able to emit from her small frame. After adjusting the shades back into the messy tangle of waves on my head I clapped along with the crowd.
Our group was settled on a low and uncomfortable set of bleachers for Trent's soccer game, grouped together so we could chat between plays and share snacks more easily. Remington and I agreed it would be necessary to bring Peach every time we came to one of these soccer games since she was quickly becoming the talk of the town. Every child wanted to give her a pet while the adults were surprised at how gentle she was. We praised Kenny and Leah for their training and many were familiar with our friends, in spite of the fact that they were also newer to the area.
Doc reached toward our bag of goodies and dug around, extracting a Tupperware of strawberries before grabbing one as we continued watching. Trisha and Daisy were directly behind Doc and myself, the four of us enjoying the spread of goodies from my fridge while the guys did some soccer drills on the side with a few kids.
I stretched my arms over my head and yawned, twisting my torso in the process to relieve some of the tension in my rib cage. The t-shirt and khaki shorts I chose for the day were comfortable but I felt restless and anxious.
Nothing was wrong but everything felt off.
My senses were heightened while every nerve ending reached for resolution.
"Where are the guys?" Daisy asked, looking around our area for the rest of the party.
"Benji just went to help Taylor and Remi with some coaching stuff," Becca replied with a smile, "I'm so glad they're willing to give Taylor a hand. He has some other Dad's that are happy to help but they know sports and are far more patient."
I turned around to watch just as Remington was helping one of the smaller boys that struggled to dribble the ball. He was stooping to help the child rotate his foot so the way he kicked was more effective but the poor thing just could not get his ankle to cooperate. The man I love continued to give him tips on how to gain coordination but it seemed like a lost cause.
"Poor little Liam over there has two left feet..." Trisha chuckled, jumping over the rows until she was next to me then leaning over my lap to dig into the tote bag for a snack. "Poor kids older brother is the same way."
Daisy snorted, "Oh my god, Matty is the worst."
"Matty?" I asked, furrowing my brow at the girls.
They giggled and Trisha nodded, "Yeah, he's a little older than us and is such a douche. He's the kind of guy who will try to make Ben's life a living hell but Ben is awesome so it won't work."
"Ohhh, okay. I get it." I rolled my eyes as she spoke, the mental picture of this guy now clear in my mind.
"They have a sister our age. She's really sweet but gets trampled by Matty, too." Daisy shrugged, reaching toward the tote bag, "Gimme the snacks, Trish."
"Has he always struggled?" Doc asked, watching as Taylor tried to help Remi now that he was finished with another one of Trent's teammates.
Becca nodded, "Liam's parents just don't care but he wants to play and be an athlete so badly. His older brother is the star of the football team and Liam would love to be just like him, but doesn't have the support he needs." Her eyes drifted toward her husband as he stood next to Remington and a smile played on her lips. "It's pretty adorable to watch your man dote on a sweet little kid, isn't it, Lissy? Warms you from the inside?"
My face instantly turned red and hands slapped my cheeks as I gasped at her insinuation.
Trisha snorted at my reaction, "Wow, you are so whipped. I know you guys are in love and stuff but come on, Liss..."
Now I laughed, turning slightly to swat at her leg while Daisy chuckled at Trisha's teasing. "Yes, Becca, it's adorable. I just... this is all new to me."
"What do you mean?" Trish asked, furrowing her brow as she slid her shades back on her head. "I mean, I know it's a new relationship but still. You guys make it seem easy."
"Seeming easy and actually feeling easy are two different things," I commented, shaking my head as I grabbed my coffee. "I just can't shake this weird feeling..." my voice trailed off while I took a drink and attempted to get the bad vibe out of my system.
Benji returned from hanging out with the little ones and handed me Peach's leash, ushering her toward us on the bottom bleachers.
"Do you have cash? I want a soda." His hand reached forward with the palm up, an expectant sigh from my little brother who apparently forgot how to ask politely.
"You have cash and your Apple Pay if you want something, Beep," I answered. "I saw they take digital transactions."
He rolled his eyes and shrugged, "Fine then, I'll get money from Remington."
I turned to Remi and slid off my seat with a groan, realizing now I had to address the issue since my brother was going to defy me. Doc reached for the leash and took Peach, offering her a strawberry as Trent came off the field for a break.
"You're doing such a good job, buddy!" I cheered, ruffling his hair as I walked past and approached Remington. He grinned back and cuddled into Peach while the rest of the group moved closer to encourage him
Taylor caught my eye while Remi was helping the soccer player they were assisting with his goalie stance. "There ya go, just keep yourself hunkered down like that... you got it, Liam, now you can reach better like a spider! Stay low and you're gonna be such a great goalie!"
"But it's too much work!" the boy whimpered, bottom lip stuck out. "I can't do it! I'm not big enough."
"Well, you have two choices. Do the work to be on the team, or no work and no team." Remington said while looking down at him, shrugging lightly. "I mean, yeah, it's work... but then you get all the reward, too... and you're not big enough YET. Remember that, Liam. Just not yet." He accented the last words with taps on Liam's nose, reassuring the boy in a way that made my heart melt.
Liam let out a sigh and nodded, "I will try next time, Coach, and keep growing!" before running back to his team.
"Not bad, guys," I smiled, noticing how Remi's dimples appeared deeper when he was around the kids. "He can whine all he wants but in the end, you either do the work or you don't get to play the game. And I love that you reminded him he will grow. Too many kids forget that they're only little for now."
"Exactly. Everyone is welcome to play but they have to be willing to try." Taylor smiled, "That's the biggest lesson I try to instill with my kids. They have the choice here. They get to decide the effort they put into what they do. If a kid really tries and wants to be on the team but just doesn't have any skill, I am going to find a way for them to be on the team. They're going to get taller and better with practice. We just have to give them opportunities."
I grinned as he talked about the way he coached then felt a warm hand on my back as Remington slid next to me.
"Well, I'd love to help more if that's okay. This was fun and I know there's more game left but I just... yeah. This feels right." His gaze ran over the kids as they took their halftime break with pretzels and orange slices, moms opening Capri Sun juice boxes while others had nice sports top water bottles with their names inscribed.
Which would our kids have one day?
I stared at the sea of kids and decided it would be whatever they wanted. If they wanted a personal sports top water bottle with their name in glitter on the side, I would not stop them from achieving that dream. Maybe they'd want both? Water bottle for all the time but then Capri Sun for a treat? That feels like a good way to go...
I would just probably make them pick up dog poop or put away some dishes to earn something so special.
"You good?" Remi asked, snapping me from my daydream.
"Yeah, making sure Benji isn't conning money from you," I answered with a light laugh, playing off the discomfort that grew inside my gut. My body twisted in his arms as I tugged on his shirt, "So, did he tell you to give him money or ask nicely?"
"He tried asking but I reminded him he had his own money," he laughed, shaking his head before flipping his baseball cap so the bill was forward again. "Oh, Kenny texted that they'll be over in a few. I guess they're skipping part of the church but everyone is gonna come to the house so it's gonna be madness probably all day."
I squinted up at Remington and let out a sigh, "So that means we run away now and don't tell anyone where we're going? Just bolt and leave them to their own devices?"
He chuckled, leaning down to kiss the top of my head as I smirked up at those deep blue eyes. "Oh, Little lamb, you don't really want to tease me like that..."
I groaned, burying my head into his chest with a sigh. "No, you're right. PBJ Parties are fun and it'll be nice to have Irish food tonight. Parties like this are never that much work... I just... I don't know. Everyone else brings food and I just have the place everyone goes." My eyes drifted to our friends as I whispered, "I'm sure it'll turn out okay, right?"
"You're the hostess with the mostess." Remington led me toward the bleachers and held a hand out, gesturing for me to take my seat.
"Never say that again, Remington Gregory Lowe," Daisy stated, eyes wide and jaw slack as I took my seat.
"What? Hostess wit..." His eyes were full of a teasing light as he smirked, messing with the teens in the best way he knew how.
Trisha stood and gasped, playfully slapping a hand over his mouth before the entire phrase left his mouth. "How dare you. She just told you to never say that again."
"I apologize for my daughter's lack of manners," Becca chuckled while removing Trisha's hand from Remington's mouth. I laughed and took my seat on the bleachers, now a witness to shenanigans around me that I did not want to miss.
Remington le out a groan as he plopped on the bleacher behind me then winked at me before turning back to the girls. "Wait, so what's wrong with saying "hostess with the mos.."
This time Daisy squealed with eyes pleading, "Remington!! PLEASE!!"
We broke into laughter at their theatrics as Benji returned to the group, limping carefully around racing grade school children while carrying a fresh bottle of Sprite.
"I just wanted to know why they hate a ... certain phrase, that's all," Remi insisted, innocently playing off his role in this game.
"What one? Hostess with the mostess?" Benji stated proudly as Trisha and Daisy whined in protest.
Remi nodded while laughing, the revulsion now directed toward my little brother so he got a break from their glares. We grabbed our drinks and rested in our seats as comfortably as we could, folding sweatshirts for padding and debating whether I wanted another strawberry.
Everything felt so normal on a stunning Sunday in July.
Life around me was buzzing about, laughter in pockets of our group as I reached for my coffee and fought the internal urge to run away from everything I've been building.
Breathe, dear girl... just breathe...
I listened to Clara's presence in my mind as she calmed my heart, but knew more was on the way. The focus had been on Benji and Remington which was needed now, but I could tell something inside was screaming for a break. I needed to listen to that voice soon or my hand might be forced.
Trent dug into my snack bag, finding the buried container of pineapple spears, and opened it with Taylor's help as we settled back in our seats.
"So, PBJ party when we're done with the soccer game, right?" Trent asked hopefully, his eyes meeting mine with a bright grin while he wiped his mouth.
"You got it, dude. We are gonna have a PBJ party for lunch then Rob will make corned beef, then we get to have Irish food for dinner!" I answered, grabbing one of the pineapple pieces.
"I'm so excited for corned beef and cabbage," Daisy sighed, leaning back against the bleachers with a pat on her stomach. "Oh, and the soda bread is so good! I tried it out yesterday and my test run was a hit! Mom and I are probably going to make it for breakfast sandwiches cause it reminded me of English Muffin bread."
"That's great and all, Daisy... but I'm just here for Potatoes..." Benji said the final word in a low rumble, causing the girls to laugh while Trent giggled at his teasing.
"What are you excited about, Trent?" Doc asked as he scratched Peach's head before taking a strawberry from the container she held open for him.
The boy hummed and looked up at the sky, letting out a happy sigh before shrugging. "I don't know. I have everything I want here!"
The other coach hollered for Trent and his teammates to return so he offered a bright smile and wave before taking his water bottle and racing away. I took some baby wipes to clean my hands and make sure there were no spills on the outside of containers, tidying up the contents of my snack bag after it was ransacked by a small hungry boy.
His answer made me think about how I would respond, though.
You need space, dear girl... just give yourself some time and room to breathe... be patient and attend to your needs for once, Lissy...
Clara's voice in my head did no good, so I tried to drown it out by focusing on the excitement around me.
I can't focus on myself now.
They need me more.
"You didn't have to bring all this," Becca remarked, pulling me from Clara's distracting self-care admonitions as she tucked another Tupperware container back into the bag. "You really went all out."
"We needed room in the fridge." I laughed, "Seriously, it was getting so bad." This is good. I can stay distracted talking to everyone and that will help me muffle the feelings I have swirling inside.
"Yeah, we realized last night after Liss made dinner that the fridge was full and we had more groceries coming today for dinner," Remington commented with a smirk. "May as well share what we have, right?"
She chuckled, letting out a happy sigh, "Well, that's the best reason to bring food to a soccer game."
Kenny and Leah joined us shortly after the next half started, greeted first by Peach who was excited to see the foster parents she still loved deeply.
"Foster mama dog is coming tomorrow, guys! She still has some a few weeks before babies are here but we cannot wait." Kenny said, plopping on the bleachers by Remington. "We got things cleaned up in the birthing area of our garage that we've used before and have all the linens washed... it's getting real!" His eyes were bright and smile wide as he continued, "It's been awhile since we've been able to deliver puppies but I can't wait for you all to experience this with us."
"So are they gonna have theme names?" Daisy asked, looking between Benji and Trisha. "I mean, each of us are getting one of the puppies, so they'll grow up together..."
They shared a shrug then began discussing ideas, from Nintendo ideas to using Lord of the Rings as inspiration.
I snorted a laugh when Benji mentioned Gollum as an option then looked over my shoulder at Remington.
He seemed so happy and relaxed. His eyes were bright with excitement as we discussed puppies and friends coming over for lunch as well as our dinner plans. I noticed the way Remi rolled his shoulders easily and flipped his baseball cap backward before leaning forward to discuss ideas for the smoker with Kenny. All it took was getting into a topic he enjoyed and it was business as usual.
It's barely been a week and you would never have guessed we lost so much.
That he lost so much.
His Dad was gone, but he continued to move forward and keeps trying to push himself in spite of the sadness. I know those dark moments will continue to happen but have to fight my own instincts in an attempt to keep us on track.
That's how life seemed to go.
The ebb and flow of our emotions need to sync, allowing us to be strong for each other. If we both crumble at the same time, who would be there for Benji? The best thing I could do was stay vigilant and keep myself in check.
I watched our group as Leah nuzzled against Peach before laughing at something Trisha said to Becca. Leah's hand was constantly hovering over her stomach, the empire waist tops she was now wearing finally billowing around her baby bump. She and Kenny were sharing glances at one another as families passed with babies, their smiles growing as one walked by and a pacifier fell to the ground.
"Here ya go!" Kenny said with a grin, handing it to the mother who waved her thanks while continuing to walk past.
Leah watched while rubbing her baby bump, a happy sigh released from her lips as she breathed, "I cannot wait."
"For baby to be here or to be even more tired?" I teased, nudging her gently.
She nodded shyly, "Just to meet this little creature. I can't wait to see who they are and what they love. Will they go for the container of strawberries or watermelon in your tote bag, Lissy? Those are the things I can't wait to discover." Leah's smile faded a little before she continued, "I guess the biggest questions I have are about the little things... is that weird?"
"I think is beautiful, Leah," Doc reassured, leaning forward from behind us to offer a warm smile. "Maybe writing a letter to baby would help? Journal those things so you can show them when they're older."
"You never know, if they're anything like Trent they could go for the pineapple then leave juice all over each person they come near for the next twenty minutes," Becca noted with a laugh, still wiping down her bag and sunglasses from her sons recent visit during the break.
"Exactly!" Leah echoed, "You get me! I just can't wait to learn who this child is and get to know all about them. Maybe they'll be super messy and leave handprints everywhere or maybe they'll be a neat freak that wants everything tidy"
My eyes drifted toward Trisha as she turned to her mom. There was a hesitation before she asked, "Hey... What did you think about before I was born?"
Becca hummed, leaning back against the bleachers as she thought a moment. "Honestly, I was scared. I was young and we were not ready for a baby... but the number one question I had was whether you would like me."
"Really?" Trisha's question had far more surprise in the tone than I expected. She scooched closer to Becca, looping her arm through her mother's and cuddling closer as Becca continued.
"Yeah, really. I was terrified that you would hate me and our family." Becca turned to look at me as she added, "Pregnancy was horrible for me... I was sick the whole time and dealt with bedrest and pre-eclampsia so it felt like my body didn't want to keep Trisha inside." She turned back toward her daughter with a sad smile, "Seemed like everything was fighting against you being healthy and getting here in one piece."
The honesty of Becca's answer seemed to surprise everyone, especially her daughter. She smiled, though, and leaned in to hug her mom. "Well, I love you and our family. I just hated being inside there, I guess."
"You also hated being swaddled, so I figured out pretty quickly you just were not someone who could ever be contained," Bec commented with a laugh. "My free spirit daughter was ready to see the world, I guess."
Trisha grinned and let out a happy sigh, grabbing her mom's travel mug and taking a long sip of her iced coffee. "Just what you always wanted. A girl with a mind of her own."
Taylor rejoined us on the bleachers, sitting next to Becca as she and Trisha continued to tease one another. "The other guys have things handled so I get to take the second half off."
"You've earned a break, Taylor. Those boys are a handful!" Kenny commented as another soccer ball ended up out of bounds on the other side of the field.
We chuckled, watching the referee and other coaches guide each player back into their lineup while Trent stared at the sky before finally listening to his leader.
"So, we have lots of bread and it sounds like this is a normal party for you guys. What's the occasion?" Leah asked, leaning back against her husband as he cracked open one of the Gatorade bottles from our cooler. She kept her tone gentle but I could tell this was asked out of curiosity and as a way to dig a bit deeper in spite of our public setting.
I shared a look with Benji who blushed slightly but cleared his throat, answering, "Well, I had a hard time with my boot and cast update so asked Lissy if we could do one. Usually, this was how we made stuff special back at... I mean... when...back when we were in Atlanta before."
He fumbled his words so I knew Benji meant to say, "Back at home."
Now that word doesn't seem to have a place in our lives.
Is that why I feel so displaced? Did Greg's passing away cause everything to feel less like home?
Clara's voice was not present when I felt a cold breeze chill me to the bone.
Remington slid closer, his body warming mine as he playfully punched Benji on the leg. "I can't wait to have some of Kenny's homemade bacon on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with that jalapeno jelly Rob mentioned from the farm..." I heard a moan behind me and smiled, knowing he must have made a face to try to reassure Benji in this vulnerable moment.
Remi was getting good at this big brother business.
Benji smiled brightly, "Yeah! The jalapeno jelly sounded awesome." He looked around the crowd then grabbed his phone and laughed, "Actually, they should be here soon. Jesse texted a bit ago. Sounds like Rob had a late funeral thing yesterday."
It was hard to know how to balance Benji's needs, especially in social settings, but diffusing the more emotional situations like this seems to work pretty well. Now that we had a community around us I was able to relax more effectively.
I noticed how Doc rested against Daisy while they cheered for Trent as he chased after the soccer ball before returning my attention to Benji. He was scrolling his phone but looked up in time to see me grin. "Oh, can we go to Trisha's pool soon? I can wrap my cast and take off the boot but I wanna go swimming."
Remington chuckled and turned to Becca and Taylor as they smiled, watching the interaction unfold. "I think maybe asking her parents is the best way to get that to happen, bro. We're an easy sell."
Benji laughed and ducked his head sheepishly. "Oh, yeah. Mr. and Mrs. Morris, could we come over for a swimming party again soon?"
They shared a look and quickly agreed, assuring us we could come by anytime the following week. My brother started making plans with the girls while I returned my attention to the soccer game, twisting back in my seat while Remington slipped his arm more fully around my waist.
"So is it gonna be just a melee at your house this time or is there an order to the PBJ party?" Kenny asked, turning around to look at us while Leah did the same.
"Honestly we can just do family style. Set up the kitchen table with all the fillings and bread then everyone can make their own." I remarked, now distracted by the game as Trent got the ball and started bolting down the field without any defense in his way. "COME ON, TRENT!!!"
Everyone cheered with me, now engrossed in the grade school soccer scrimmage match where the green team's forward, Trent Morris, was suddenly making it halfway down the field without any interference. His hands balled into fists as he pumped his arms faster, trying with all his might to race while dribbling the soccer ball with all the strength in his eight-year-old body.
"GO FOR IT, BUDDY!!!" Taylor screeched, standing from his place on the bleachers as Trent made a heroic kick that was blocked by their goalie.
He looked over at us with disappointment clear on his face and a dejected shrug, then slumped back as he jogged to rejoin his team at the new spot for kickoff. We continued cheering anyway and I could tell it helped, the corners of his mouth now raising while he shook his head and began to blush.
Trent was now in earshot and Remington took Peach along with him to speak to the team. I watched as he knelt and rubbed the boys shoulder while Peach nuzzled into his hand, giving much needed comfort when he felt like a failure.
His posture shifted, along with the rest of the team. They stood straighter and patted each other on the back before all hands went into the center of a circle for a "Go Green Team!" chant.
Within a few moments the game was restarting as Remi came back to the bleachers while Peach was excited to greet Becca as they returned.
I could not help but grin at the man I loved as he sauntered back to the bleachers, letting out a groan before he took his seat.
My smirk must have been what caused Remington to sputter, chuckling as he shrugged, "I didn't do anything, Liss..."
"Really?" I quirked an eyebrow, leaning to the side so I could see Trent as he watched Remington with a look of hero-worship clear on his face.
Taylor grinned, "I mean, I could be wrong, but that looks kind of like how you used to stare at me, Remington. The kids treated me like some Greek God when I was in high school and college."
I doubled over laughing, completely shocked that Taylor roasted him so openly. The others were cracking up as well, jokes going back and forth about how doe- eyed Remington still was when Taylor was around but that changed as soon as I walked onto the scene.
"His hero-worship switched to Lamb worship?" Trisha quipped, causing a snort from me while Remington shook his head with a hand on his forehead.
"Oooohhh... do you ever smoke lamb, Kenny?" Remi laughed in a desperate attempt to change the subject.
Kenny hummed, stroking the scruff on his chin as Leah nodded and answered for her husband. "We did it once on lamb that had a huge fat cap. It was incredible but it's so delicate you have to be careful."
"This little lamb likes a different kind of smoke anyway, doesn't she?" Trisha remarked quietly while mimicking smoking a joint as she kicked me from behind.
"Shut your face, Trish," I elbowed back toward her and missed completely, nailing the bleacher instead and whimpering a pathetic, "Owww!" while laughing.
Daisy and Trish laughed while Remington tried to soothe me even as he chuckled at my dramatics. We continued watching the game and joking with each other, sharing snacks and commenting on the game or whatever ideas we had about our day.
The dread swirling in my heart was still present, but each time we bantered I felt the pressure release slightly. Something shifted so I could breathe and have space.
That's all I needed for now. Just a little room until actual time free without company was possible.
Jesse and Rob joined us and sat in back, sipping irish coffee while they wore sunglasses and ate avocado toast like the Millennials they were. We made jokes under our breath at their bad attitudes and cranky hungover comments but it was all in love. Jesse offered me some of his toast but I declined, nausea taking over my stomach at all I was trying to process. He cocked his head at me and seemed to notice there was a problem but held off any further comments.
That's part of why I liked Jesse so much. He knew when things were hard but was aware that sometimes it's better to hold off on addressing the issue.
"Maybe less whiskey tonight?" Benji offered as we began to clean up, wiping his hands on a baby wipe before he cleaned the top of our cooler.
Rob tilted his shades down to make eye contact with Benji before shaking his head. "Never less whiskey, Ben. Never. It's my lifeblood. I just need more food to absorb the whiskey so I'm glad we have PBJ party time now. Between the avo toast with egg and then more carbs and sugar, I should be good and able to make us a delicious Irish dinner."
"Should be?" I said at the same moment as Benji, causing us to laugh while Rob and Jesse groaned.
"We'll be fine. Just get us to more food." Jesse chuckled, shaking his head as we gathered our bags. He noticed Benji pull up his bike and cocked an eyebrow, "Wait, you rode your bike here?"
Benji nodded with a grin, "Yeah, it worked pretty well! Liss and Remi walked with Peach and carried our stuff so it was easy. They kept me stable."
Rob and Jesse shared a look before Rob smiled, "Well, I guess that means I have to get tires on my bike so I can start using it again, huh? Jess mentioned trails around the farms and mountains so then we can start exploring once you're back up and running."
My brother smirked, carefully riding away past a group of kids. "Sure does! Remi has a new bike, too, so we can make whole days of bike trips like Liss and I always do!"
The excitement in his voice calmed my heart slightly.
A storm was still brewing but I could tell this was going to be manageable.
We started our short walk home and were surprised at how quiet the neighborhood seemed in spite of how busy the soccer fields continued to be. Remington lazily took my hand, sighing as I slung my purse over my shoulder. "Shall we?"
"Guess so. Everyone meeting at the house?"
I nodded, "But Doc has a key so they'll let themselves in."
He smiled, pulling me closer to kiss my temple. We continued quietly, waving to neighbors and our friends as they got into their cars. Jesse took the cooler and tote bag of food so we only had my purse to carry, which was a nice break even on our short trip. Benji was carefully riding his bike as Daisy walked nearby, chatting about whether it was even worth making your own peanut butter since the machine at the grocery store does the work for you and saves us the trouble of washing the food processor.
"I mean, I've never washed the food processor but that's cause I always told Lissy it scared me," Benji admitted, looking back toward us as we caught up to them on the sidewalk.
Remington laughed at his confession, "Seriously? It's not that bad, bro. You wash knives all the time."
Benji's eyes grew wider, "Remi, man, you need a tutorial on the kitchen. I think the food processor is scarier than the mandolin."
"No way. Absolutely no way." Daisy shook her head, crossing her arms for impact as she stood still while Benji stopped his bike. "How is anything scarier than a mandolin? It's basically a sword you use for cutting veggies."
"A food processor is that sword with a motor, Dais..." I noted, walking past her with Peach and smiling at Benji.
I could hear her shiver and say, "Oof," as we continued toward the house, cars parking in the street and at Kenny's across the road.
"Wait, but the food processor isn't plugged in when you wash it, Ben..." Daisy stopped in her tracks to mention.
My brother laughed and put up one finger, shaking his head as he replied, "Okay, you got me there, Edwards..."
Remington jogged to catch up, taking Peach's leash as soon as we got closer to Kenny and Leah's place. She pulled to go up to their front steps but they exited just in time.
"I peeked out the window just in time, Liss. Hey, Peachy girl!" Leah squealed, reaching toward the dog so Remington could let go of her leash. My dog quickly greeted her previous caregiver with licks and gentle nuzzles, while Kenny locked up behind them.
"How's the bike going, Benji?" Kenny asked as I heard Benji and Daisy behind us.
"Eh, not so bad when I have help, but it'll be great when I get this stuff off." My brother shrugged and waved his cast in the air, stopping his bike with the boot on the ground. "Daisy, can you handle it across the street?"
She nodded, "Of course. Gonna let Remington give you a piggyback ride?"
"You know it!" Benji beamed, turning to Remi. "Alright, bro. You promised."
Remington groaned but flicked his eyes toward me with a smile. He bent down slightly while I helped Benji get on board, slowly standing with Benji hanging on around his neck.
"You're lighter than you seem like you'd be," Remi commented, one arm slung behind his back to stabilize the teenager.
"I would take offense but you've watched me eat pizza." Benji nodded, "So I really have no right to do anything but take credit."
We cracked up at his comments, watching Remi slowly make his way across the street with Benji in tow.
"He's a good man, Liss." Leah said, leaning her head against my shoulder. "Caring, kind, generous..."
"Yeah. He really is." I smiled, letting out a happy sigh. "I can't believe he chose me."
She laughed, "I meant Benji, but Remington is as well."
Peach pulled toward the street so we began walking as I asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, you are the person we can credit with raising Benji, and he's incredible. Of course, he's young but just... please realize you've done really well." Leah and I reached the sidewalk in front of my house where she paused, grabbing my arm. "I hope you don't mind if I come to you for advice sometimes? I know it probably feels weird since you've never had a baby before but you have a big brain so I think you can handle it..."
"I'd love that, Leah." I stopped her babbling with a hand on her arm, smiling as she let out a breath of relief. "I would love to know everything so when the time hopefully comes for us..." My eyes drifted toward Remington as he playfully threw Benji off his back and onto the grass, gently laying him down while screaming, "HIYAAHHHH!!" like a wrestler.
Benji dissolved into giggles, his voice cracking as he screeched, "Bro, gentle! I'm a delicate dainty flower!"
Daisy laughed from the porch as Doc stood inside, hands on her hips watching the spectacle in front of her. She looked toward me and raised her palms to the sky, shaking her head. "Alice, do you plan to get these boys in line at some point?"
I laughed, shrugging while I hollered, "I mean, I don't see how that's something someone like me could ever be capable of doing."
Remington chuckled louder as he overheard our banter, releasing Benji from his headlock as he winced. "Maybe I need to be more careful before trying to be Macho Man Randy Savage."
Doc laughed, opening the door wide as we filed inside. "Come on in your house, Alice. Let's get Benji's PBJ party started before I have to operate on one of you kids again."
She rubbed my back as I walked inside but pulled me aside, asking quietly, "Are you sure you feel okay?"
I hesitated but nodded slowly. "Physically I feel okay, even though yesterday I overdid it and had to let the guys clean up dinner. My body just crashes sometimes but that's my own fault. I'm kind of overwhelmed and trying to take my time, I guess." My eyes met hers, expecting judgment, but all I saw was kindness and understanding.
Doc smiled and let out a sigh of relief, "I'm glad to hear that. Just keep taking all the time you need."
We made quick work of setting up a buffet of artisan breads and peanut butter as well as a half dozen jars of jam Rob brought from the farm he mentioned. Kenny set up a pan of his homemade bacon and got it in the oven while Daisy and I got ready to prepare a few other dessert-style fillings.
"Rob, they make apricot preserves?" I asked, holding up one of the jars with excitement. "This will be incredible on that sourdough." My eyes found the loaves of sourdough that Leah brought from a bakery we loved, and I was already excited about the spread we had in front of us.
He nodded, smiling as we continued unpacking bags while the group brought their offerings. My table overflowed so we moved bread to the kitchen counter, allowing a bit more room for us to use the dining room table and pass toppings while making our sandwiches.
"This is gonna be messy," Trent noted with his eyebrows raised while Taylor made him a standard peanut butter with strawberry preserves on white bread.
His dad laughed and nodded, "Yes, but we have Peach to eat the crusts and all of us will help clean up afterward. Then, when we're done with sandwiches and cleaned up, we can learn how to make corned beef. That takes a long time to cook so while it's on the stove we can hang out in the yard or something."
Trent smiled up at his Dad, pride beaming from his toothy grin. "You're so smart, Daddy!"
Taylor chuckled and continued helping him with his food while I stepped back further. I leaned against the wall of the kitchen, watching our new friends as they made plates of food while Benji led them through his favorite toppings and which fruit was best with which peanut butter texture.
It felt like a dream.
The entire day felt... None of this felt real.
"Liss?"
I jumped as a hand touched my arm and gasped, turning to see Daisy as she tilted her head, pulling me toward the pantry. "Are you okay?"
My instinct was to lie.
Everything inside me said to reassure this poor girl who did not need to know about the storm inside me. How everything felt so manufactured... like it could fall just like a Jenga tower.
Nothing good happens to me, so why would this be any different?
"No."
The word was a breath but she sighed, rubbing my shoulder lightly before nodding. "Okay. Well, stay here if you need to for a few. Want a water or anything?"
I shook my head and expected her to leave but instead Daisy hummed, looking around the pantry for a moment. She climbed onto a lower shelf to reach a tin I had stashed away, opening the box we both knew was full of small candy bars.
"Okay, then, have some chocolate. Instant serotonin, right?"
Now I had to smile before grabbing a Reese's Peanut Butter cup, smelling the chocolate deeply before eating the treat in two bites. She kept the box open so I could snag another, quickly devouring this one while Daisy did the same thing with a fun-size Snickers.
"Thanks, Daisy," I smiled, wiping my mouth with my hand, "I needed that."
"So did I. Too many people too often makes me cranky so maybe this week we need some time as just the four of us." She winked at me before letting out a sigh, "Okay, shall we?"
We left the pantry and washed our hands at the sink, quickly getting back into cooking and cleaning mode. I sliced some bananas and sauteed them with heavy cream, brown sugar, and rum for Banana's Foster to use on sandwiches while Daisy made a cheesecake-style filling.
"Do you guys want help? You need to eat, too! I'm on my second sandwich already!" Jesse exclaimed, ducking into the kitchen with a grin on his face. "This is such a great idea and was so easy to throw together!"
"I'm glad you're having fun, Jess! And we've been snacking along the way so don't worry about us," I smiled, gesturing toward a plate I set aside with some sourdough and apricot preserves.
He shook his head while leaving us to our work but Leah settled in at the counter, a smattering of toppings and bread on her plate like a sample platter.
"You look like you're cake tasting for a wedding, Leah," I laughed, staring at the spread of jams and jellies she created like an artist's palette.
She chuckled and shrugged, "Well, baby decided peanut butter didn't sound so great but the bread and jam with butter sounded just incredible. I could live on warm bread and butter with preserves." I grinned and scooted one of the banana's foster onto her plate, the squeal of excitement from Leah all the thanks I needed.
"Same here!" Becca nodded, taking the chair next to her. "When I was expecting Trisha all I ate was bread and butter for the first trimester. My body wouldn't let me have anything else basically."
"Awww, I was obsessed with carbs from the time I was a fetus!" Trish exclaimed, joining us in the kitchen with her plate of bread and toppings. "I've always had good taste." I grabbed the pan of bananas and shared them with Becca and Trish as well, making sure each of the girls got a portion before the guys ate the rest.
"Well, I could use your good taste figuring out how to decorate this house," I looked past my friends toward our basic living room with neutral colors and my more bright accent pieces. "I just don't really feel like this is home, yet..."
"What's missing?" Doc asked as she spread some banana and marshmallow fluff onto sourdough bread. She followed my gaze as I sighed, looking around the rental house while I appraised the boring space.
Space.
The word sprung into my head and I gasped, my hand slapping my mouth to capture it before I said the one thing I knew I needed to keep inside.
Now is not the time to talk about how desperately I need room.
I knew the moment I saw Baker's Pond that I wanted to live there. The farmhouse had a wraparound front porch like something from a dream. It would never happen, but I felt drawn to the depths of that water and house.
Something about that place was like a magnet to my soul.
"Liss?" Daisy asked, rubbing my back lightly. "You okay?"
I opened my mouth to answer but turned to her then shook my head. "Yeah, just... I think I've been overdoing it lately. Just tired." My eyes met hers and I knew Daisy was well aware of the problem.
She feels the same way, but for different reasons. Sometimes you just need to exist alone, without people crowding every inch of thinking space you're able to maneuver. Daisy and I have always with those feelings of restlessness, especially when things are extremely busy.
"Well, maybe we can look at some Pinterest pictures outside while the corned beef cooks? Get some inspiration?" Becca suggested, "I mean, that's a place to start."
I grinned, instantly feeling lighter at her idea. "That's perfect, Bec! I know I love the warmer forest tones. Tans, forest greens, that sort of thing. Fall colors verses spring pastels."
By the time we finished nibbling on our food, the guys were plowing through the last of the bread and scraping peanut butter with spatulas. The ladies had a better grasp on my design style while I felt more balanced after ignoring the signs of an impending crisis that continued the brew under the surface.
"We can handle dishes so you guys just go sit outside." Remington smiled, leaning down to kiss me softly as I met his caring gaze. "Take your time and just relax."
His eyes lingered on mine a few seconds longer than I expected and I knew.
He saw.
He saw too much.
Just one moment and I went from hiding everything to feeling completely exposed... all from a glance.
Remi took my arm and tugged me away from the group as gently as he could. "Alice..." his voice was low and raspy as he shut the laundry room door behind me, "Please, what's up?"
"I need space. I just need space." The words were barely a whisper as I began to hyperventilate, panic settling over me without further warning.
My feelings all day were all the notice I received. I knew better than to ignore the cries for space that I felt deep inside but felt trapped.
This happened to me frequently and I would usually make the time to get away. Sometimes that just meant going up to the roof with a glass of wine and my headphones so I could listen to Taylor Swift and stare at the sky without thinking about anything but song lyrics and a life I always dreamed of leading.
My mind was brought back to the moment by hands gently rested over my shoulders, Remington's voice now quietly reassuring with words of love and care. "I'm here and won't leave you. You're okay, Lissy. We'll stay here until you know you're safe."
Moments passed and shook my head, eyes now lifting to meet Remington's. The pressure felt like it was released a bit, though I knew this was temporary. I needed an actual break with some room to spread my arms and feel the air on my face without any responsibilities or expectations.
Tears were streaming down his face but he smiled. "There you are, Little lamb."
"I'm so sorry. I don't even know what's wrong today, but all I keep thinking is that I need space." I sniffled, rubbing my face with a towel from the laundry basket. "That word keeps coming into my head and all I can think of is Baker's Pond."
Remi gasped, backing away instantly from my body. "Why Baker's Pond?"
"I don't... I don't know?" I shrugged, looking away before meeting his eyes again and continuing, "All I know is my heart felt like I belonged there but I know it's the place where your heart shattered so I never wanted to mention it. I felt like that could trigger so many bad memories for you."
He froze, jaw set and eyes fixed on mine for a long moment. I was not sure what to do so I did what felt right.
I followed the voice inside me and said a sentence I knew he was waiting to hear. My hand reached out to take his as I whispered, "Remington, I want to open my letter."
He nodded, blinking quickly as tears fell. "I have a feeling Dad did something..."
"So do I," I laughed lightly, "I have the same feeling. He made comments about a house a few times."
Remington offered a sad smile but paused, "You don't have to do this, Lissy... you can wait as long as you need."
"I want to. It's time." The determination in my voice surprised me but his face reflected my confidence. I realized I was now able to set the tone so if I made sure everyone knew this was my choice then it would be okay.
I opened the laundry room door and saw the majority of our friends waiting for us expectantly. Benji was standing in front with Daisy hanging onto his arm as he stepped forward.
"I'm gonna open my letter from Greg now," I said, wiping my eyes. "You guys want to hear it, too?"
Remington laid a hand on my back, whispering, "I'll go grab it," before slipping back to the master bedroom.
"Lissy, are you sure?" Benji asked while Daisy attempted to keep him calm. He stepped forward and staring into my eyes. the intensity more than I expected. "You don't have to do this now..."
"I'm positive. I've been having panic attacks and just have this feeling I need to do this now, Beep. Thank you, though, for being so patient with me," I cupped his cheek and offered him a reassuring smile. My eyes found Doc and I continued, "I keep feeling like I just need space. Something inside me is just screaming for air, so I think maybe if I open that envelope it will help. Greg hinted at some things before he passed away so I just... I guess I have a feeling."
Doc gave me a bright smile, eyes brimming with tears as she nodded. "Well, you need to do what's best for you. I would be happy to stay and listen if that's what you want."
We settled in the living room and Remington leaned next to me on the kitchen table while we faced the group. Everyone else agreed with Doc and grabbed their drinks, sitting on dining room chairs or perching on the couch while I took a long sip of water to steady myself.
"You sure?" Remington asked, holding the envelope toward me between two of his fingers. I saw how tense his jaw was and knew this would be hard, but waiting to open the letter would make it even more difficult.
I nodded, shaking off the nerves with false confidence. "Positive. I need to do this for me."
Remington smiled slowly, handing the packet over as I ripped into the paper.
There was a letter which enclosed a separate envelope so I started with the letter.
I decided to read out loud, and attempted to do so as clearly as I could. My hands and voice shook but the feeling of Remi's hand on my back helped me stay calm as I cleared my throat and began.
"My Darling Alice,
You have brought me so much joy.
Please know that, before anything else, your presence has given me blessing upon blessing in my final days. I know you say that Remington saved your life on that train, but I truly believe you saved him with your optimism and perspective.
He needed a sweet woman like you to bring a rainbow of color into his black and white world.
Thank you for bringing my son back to me.
I mean that in every sense of the phrase.
You brought him home by helping him return alive from that wreck, but you also brought me a son who had life back in his eyes. Remington is excited about being alive and experiencing all the world has to offer. I cannot remember the last time he has had this much joy... it was probably before Reese died, if ever.
I made a decision when I met you and saw how close you were to Remington. This is most likely a massive overstep and breach of your boundaries but since I am no longer with you I hope you'll forgive me.
Something Remington does not know is I never sold our old farmhouse. Baker's Pond and the land attached to the house were always ours. I kept the property and attempted to sell a few times but never found the right new owner. There were renters over the years but it never felt right to give it to anyone else.
This piece of land meant the world to me. It's where we lost Reese, but it's also where we spent some of the happiest moments of my life during his childhood. That boy was incredible, so maybe I felt like keeping the farmhouse and pond in the family would keep a piece of him alive.
That farmhouse and Baker's Pond are now in your name, Alice.
You are welcome to keep the property and live there whenever you decide to move, or you can leave it under the care of the realtor so they are able to sell. Then you can use the profits to find somewhere else. I do not mind either way but wanted to give you the power to make that decision.
Please know I never meant to lie to Remington. I could not let go of the last place I saw Reese alive. If that place could have life in it again, if the house could have a family with love and laughter... maybe that's the way for something good to come from all the wrong I've done in my life.
Thank you for all you've brought to me. For loving my Benji and taking such good care of him for all this time. Thank you for loving my Remington. I hope you like the ring we have but if not, I totally understand.
You are the daughter I always dreamed of having, Alice. I may not get to see you walk down the aisle toward Remington on your wedding day, but I promise I have dreamed of that moment and know it will be beautiful. Promise me you'll wear something with lace, just for me? Clara always loved lace.
All my love forever,
Your kind of Father in law, Greg"
My voice was hoarse as I read the letter to its completion, sniffling and crying through the words in spite of how hard they were to get across. Remington tried to stop me but I persisted anyway.
He should know better than to stop me when I was determined.
I could feel his arms pull me closer as I read the portion about being the daughter Greg had always dreamed of having. My breath caught at his mention of lace, remembering Clara's gorgeous lace wedding veil that was preserved in my closet.
Of course I would honor Greg's wishes, but the fact that he felt so highly of me meant the world.
I set aside the papers after finishing the letter but opened the envelope to find the deed and legal documents for the farmhouse and property. My head began to pound as I considered all the reasons this may not work but I set those aside.
Eat the elephant one bite at a time, sweet girl... Greg wanted you to have this and in your soul, you knew it was the right choice... give life time to fall into place...
"Wait... that's the place where Reese died? The house you lived in? It's ours?" Benji broke the silence, leaning forward on the couch while processing the news.
"I guess so, Ben," Remi replied, tugging me closer and kissing the top of my head. "Makes sense why you've felt the need for space and why I had a dream about Baker's Pond."
I gasped, turning quickly at his comment. "A dream? You didn't tell me... Remi, what was your dream?"
His ears turned red instantly and I laughed as Remington sputtered, "Well, I mean, I just know it was at the farmhouse and pond..."
"No, not gonna cut it, Lowe. What happened in your dream..."
Now he sighed, slumping as he shook his head in defeat. I looked around the room at our friends leaning closer to listen before turning to Remington as he sighed, leaning down to kiss my shoulder. "When I took that nap yesterday, I dreamt I was on the porch and you were playing tag with our kids." I sat up straighter to listen as he continued, "There was a little girl with curly pigtails, then a boy..." Remington paused, his eyes falling on Leah, "And you were pregnant. You called for me to join you guys but I watched from the porch and just felt so much... peace. Lissy, you know I never feel content like that. It's so hard for me to let go of anything, but during that dream everything just felt like it would be okay for once."
My heart melted as he spoke, the picture painted of a happy family chasing each other on a gorgeous day such a far cry from the dark memories Remington has always held of that property. My mind flashed to those moments spent at the side of the pond as Remi sobbed, agony filling his voice while he shared of losing Reese.
Could we truly change the place of so much heartache into a home filled with happy memories?
"Well, I guess you can look at more paint color options now for a bigger house," Daisy commented with a bright smile.
I let out a laugh, nodding at her quip. "Daisy, the farmhouse is like six bedrooms and has a huge dining room. The place is gigantic but needs so much work! I mean, logically speaking we wouldn't actually move until after the school year so there would be time to get some of those projects done but I mean... and that's only if we accept."
Remington and I met eyes and he shrugged, "Of course we accept. I think Dad may have known better than we did all along. Maybe he always knew that one day I'd come home and just feel drawn to that place."
"I think he did," I agreed. "Benji, what do you think?"
My little brother gave a slow smile and shrugged, "I think my new room is way bigger and that the whole place is gonna get an upgrade with better technology. As long as Remi is okay living there, it's fine by me."
Remi leaned forward and slapped Benji on the back of his head but I knew he was right.
The farmhouse is a massive gift, but it feels like the right next step... as long as we upgrade with wifi.
Trisha passed her phone toward me with some color ideas for the farmhouse kitchen as Daisy found an online listing for the house so they could get a better idea of the layout. My mind was spinning but I didn't feel the same suffocating pressure I had earlier.
Now I had all the space I could want.
I slid my hand into Remington's before leaning my head on his shoulder, sighing happily.
He kissed my temple, whispering, "I guess we got what we needed in the end, didn't we?"
I hummed a yes, but added quietly, "But at what cost?"