Remington POV
"What did you do?"
I could not meet his eyes as Liss rushed past me but was torn between following her and trying to mend things with Benji.
How do I handle this?
I know Alice needs me. She is overwhelmed and upset, plus feels endless pressure from every side. She didn't move to Tulip Tree to deal with this garbage. She just wanted a quiet place to raise Benji and instead got thrown into a garbage disposal of grief, tragedy, family secrets, and ... whatever I bring to the table.
"Remington... I'm not going to ask again. What did you do?"
Benji began to stand from the bed slowly while clenching his jaw. I watched as his fists clenched slowly before relaxing as he squared his shoulders, staring through my body like a laser.
I closed my eyes to gather strength and decided to be honest.
He can handle it and needs to know the truth.
"I fucked up and pressured her to open her envelope now because it's what I wanted. She stood up for herself and said no. I realized I was wrong and apologized." I explained slowly, trying to admit my faults in a clear way so my little brother could see I was flawed but trying to do my best. That's all I can offer, right? What Dad always... well... recently... taught me. Just share your heart and let the chips fall where they may.
Benji cocked his head and squinted at me, relaxing his shoulders as I spoke.
"That's all?"
I paused, humming a moment before replying, "Well... yeah... I mean that's basically what happened..."
Benji chuckled, shaking his head, before brushing past me. "Bro, you're good. Just always admit when you're wrong and you two will be fine. Did she act like things were normal after and accept your apology?"
I laughed, "Yeah, she asked for one of my shirts after her shower."
"You're good. Seriously, that's all it takes with Lissy. Just be prepared cause she won't back down when she knows she's right."
His words were reassuring but I could not shake the feeling that more was wrong. Lissy needed time but that was not a luxury available here at home. Maybe a trip? She could go with me to Atlanta when I pack up my apartment but then what about Benji? Maybe both of them could go with me?
We made our way into the kitchen and watched as Liss threw the frisbee for Peach in the backyard. I let my mind wander with ideas to try to cheer up a woman who was doing everything in her power to hold me together.
"Should we join her?" I asked, pulling back the curtains right on time to see Peach make a heroic leap for the frisbee.
"Nope. She needs space now." Benji answered, grabbing one of the grape Gatorades from the fridge. "Want one?"
I nodded, sitting at the counter, "Why does she need space? I don't know how I feel about this... like... isn't that bad?"
Benji chuckled at my statement and slid the sports drink across the counter toward me. "One thing I know about my sister is that she gets in her head. This is a lot to process and she's been so busy dealing with the two of us bozos that she hasn't had time to grieve on her own."
"What do you mean?"
"Remington... Lissy loved Dad, too..."
His words caught me off guard. I froze, Gatorade bottle halfway to my mouth. "Well yeah, I know..."
"Do you?" I sat up straighter and stared at Benji as he continued, "Remington... I don't think you get it."
The insinuation that I did not understand the woman I loved was really getting under my skin. I puffed out my chest and shrugged off his comments, shaking my head while I said, "Get what?"
"That Dad was a father figure to Liss. That she probably had thoughts in her head of him walking her down the aisle toward you on your wedding day. That maybe... just maybe... the idea of losing another Dad in her life was harder on her than you realize." His voice was low and calm which cut through my pride far more effectively than a scream or lecture ever could. Benji shook his head and took a bottle of Gatorade, walking out of the kitchen and back to his bedroom.
I sat in silence as his words ran through my mind.
Lissy was still playing with Peach and I watched them together while tears ran down my face.
I had dreams like that. Dreams of my Dad helping me find a suit since tuxedos are horrible, or seeing him celebrate my wedding day with a scotch outside in a garden the morning before I finally get married.
Did she actually have those thoughts? Is Benji right?
It made sense... that never crossed my mind, but I guess in the middle of my own grief it was hard for anything else to get through.
Time must have passed as I considered Benji's words but I was startled by the sound of the sliding glass door opening. Peach yipped as she bounded inside, immediately pawing at me for a pet and treat. Her tongue lolled out of her mouth with an excited expression in her eyes as I scratched her neck, staring into the amber eyes of this sweet puppy.
"Did you have fun outside with your Mama?" I asked, smiling at Peach before my eyes drifted to Alice.
"Oof, it's still hot out there!" Liss exclaimed, smiling at me. I looked closer and saw how red her eyes were and noticed trails left my tears on her cheeks as she tucked her sunglasses in a side drawer.
Benji was right.
I had been so obsessed with my own selfish needs that I was neglecting Alice.
She brushed past me and washed her hands and face, drying off with paper towels before letting out a sigh. "So, I have the grocery order ready to go. Will you take a look and see if I missed anything?" Alice slid her phone across the counter to me with the Instacart app open and I started scanning the list. I increased the number of items for a few things on the list like adding an extra dozen eggs and another loaf of wheat bread for Benji and myself.
The only extra item I added was a package of Grape Gatorade to continue my Dad's legacy of horrible flavor choices. I was getting used to this one and didn't mind it too much at this point anyway.
Lissy grabbed a pitcher from the pantry and began juicing lemons. I assumed she was making a pitcher of lemonade and let her work in silence while I did the same, scrolling the freezer section to debate whether I wanted to add some taquitos and nacho cheese or just ask Daisy to make them sometime.
"Looks good, I just increased quantities and added Grape Gatorade," I smiled, flicking the phone back toward her as she wiped her hands, tapping a few times to submit the order.
"Perfect. We can pick it up later tonight."
She got back to work and I scrolled my phone quietly, allowing both of us the peace we desperately needed. Benji's words haunted me as I realized just how dense I had been this past week. My thoughts had only been of myself and Benji... I truly had not considered how deeply Dad's passing would impact Alice.
Now? Now it all makes more sense.
There was a ripple effect to each of our lives so she was fighting her own feelings while trying to help me rein in my own. Lissy has been struggling to keep herself together for my sake as well as Benji.
Every breath was for us. Not a moment was spent for herself unless it was stolen, like her time with Peach outside.
"Shit..." she muttered, sucking in air through her teeth before turning around to grab a paper towel. I looked up and saw blood on the cutting board then quickly stood to check on her. "I'm fine! It's just a shallow cut..."
"Let me see..." I said, reaching toward her as I rounded the counter.
Alice grimaced but stretched her hand, showing the small cut on the end of her thumb. "It's really a tiny cut but since I'm slicing lemons..."
"Ouch."
"Yeah. Ouch."
"I'll finish cutting these and you can handle the water and sugar?" I suggested, washing my hands as she wrapped her thumb with a fresh paper towel to stop the bleeding.
Lissy smiled, eyes warmer as she gazed up at me. There was a flicker of the woman I saw on the train, bright green eyes meeting mine as she fell into me when the train jolted. My breath caught when she said, "Thank you, Remi. That's perfect."
After washing her hands carefully and getting a band-aid she was back in action, while I finished juicing lemons and slicing the ones that remained to add to the pitcher. She added sugar and mixed while we tasted until it was the right balance before declaring it was just right.
I filled glasses for each of us before settling on the couch, giving Peach belly scratches as she sprawled on the middle cushion.
She looked at me closely, "So, Benji said something to you, didn't he?" I choked on my lemonade and sputtered while she laughed, "Nailed it."
"I mean, but that doesn't mean..."
"It's okay. I trust both of you," her eyes stared into mine with a reassurance I did not expect. "I know anything said about me would be in my best interests."
My breath shuddered as she reached out and laid a hand on my leg. I set my lemonade on the table behind me then shifted so I was facing Lissy fully. She did the same, her free hand now gently playing with Peach's paw.
"He called me out for being selfish. Said I needed to remember you loved Dad, too."
Lissy nodded, "Yeah. He's right, but I think you knew that deep down. Grief masks a lot and will continue to do that, so we just have be careful."
Her words allowed me to release a breath I didn't realize I was holding. It was a relief to know she saw that I was not ignoring everything but struggling to function.
She continued, "Remington, I don't think you've intentionally done anything to hurt me or anyone else. I also don't think it's fair to hold yourself accountable for how you've acted since coming home."
"What?" I stared at Lissy and felt like something shifted in her gaze. Her eyes comforted the storm inside me as I felt how deep her pain truly was, even as she stilled sobs that rattled in her chest.
Alice let out a long breath, blinking as tears fell. "Just... I just... I need you to remember the reason you came home."
My mind was a jumbled mess but I thought back to my time alone in Atlanta.
Why did I come home?
Dad...
"Because Dad was sick?"
She nodded, reaching to take one of my hands with both of hers. "That's right. You came home to see your Dad in his final days." Alice let out a long sigh, her thumb stroking the outside of my hand as she rephrased, "Remi, you came home to say goodbye."
I let her words wash over me and realized what she meant.
Lissy was allowing me room to be human. She understood the grief I was experiencing even in the trip home, much less losing Dad.
She was showing me grace.
"Liss, that doesn't excuse the fact that I've ignored your pain."
"No, but it means I get it." Her eyes met mine and Liss shrugged, "I get that you're struggling to keep your head above water. So am I. Right now we can just keep doing our best, okay? Every single day we just have to try our best and hope that's good enough."
I nodded, a shaky breath releasing as I felt the depth of this gift she was offering. Alice was giving me the chance to have room to fully experience grief in ways I never imagined being able to heal. I've never truly done that since losing Reese so maybe now I'll have that chance.
"I will keep trying. Just please try to let me in... I know I'm drowning here but you are, too. Maybe we can swim to the surface together?"
"I'm not used to that." Lissy pulled her hand back, straightening her back before turning to grab her lemonade. She took a long sip, sighing before she continued, "Remi, I'm used to being the only one. Benji relies on me but now is looking out for me." She let out a breath and shook her head, meeting my eyes before continuing, "Can you try to help me learn how to depend on someone else?"
"Only if you help me learn the same," I smiled.
Alice grinned, "I can work with that. We're a team, right?"
I nodded, hugging Peach then kissing her on the head. "All four of us are in this together. Well, five, once the puppy is born."
"Oh my god. The puppy! I had forgotten!" she exclaimed, laughing. Lissy grabbed her phone and typed quickly then grinned, "I just texted Kenny and Leah to see what the update is on the new foster dog."
"Nice. Are they coming tomorrow for corned beef Irish food day?"
She nodded, humming as she scrolled her phone, "Yeah, looks like they have church stuff so may not be at the soccer game but will try to be here for PBJ's then Irish food night. Kenny is really excited about pastrami." Her eyes lifted and met mine with a glow in her expression that was missing earlier today. "He was saying earlier that he's never made it before but it's one of his all time favorites so now he's fired up. Can't wait to see how corned beef is properly made, either."
"We can do vegetarian stuff too, right? We eat so much meat..." I asked, leaning back and resting my hands on my stomach. "I feel like we need meatless Mondays or something."
Lissy laughed, shaking her head at me. "Benji and I do meatless days all the time. PBJ time can be meatless except the bacon you mentioned. And I've done plenty of Mexican food nights using tofu or just rice and beans. Oh, and zucchini noodles or veggie lasagna? Veggie nights are easy, Remi. We can definitely do that!"
I let out a sigh, closing my eyes as Peach nuzzled her face into my stomach. "Yeah, that sounds good."
"Want to just go simple for dinner? We have plenty of leftovers so we can just do pasta or something. I have leftover bolognese sauce so we can make some frozen ravioli or pierogies or something to go with it." Her voice seemed distant as I dozed off but I think I replied yes before falling asleep.
My dreams were more peaceful.
Lissy was in a yellow dress... it was breezy but she was laughing and chasing someone in a field? It was by a lake... Baker's Pond? I heard her yell, "You're it, Baby!!" then saw a brunette head little boy race by me, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I'm gonna get you!!"
I was standing on a porch and staring out at my Alice, chasing two children... a boy and a girl...
As I focused on the dream I saw she was pregnant. At one moment she looked up at me, beaming with the same smile I saw on a daily basis now. Her hands drifted to her stomach and I felt so much peace in every fiber of my being. Her mouth formed the words, "Remi! Come on!" while she waved for me to join them and a blur of curly pigtails whizzed around her as she giggled.
Maybe this is the future I can have...
Maybe everything really will be okay....
"Ready to eat?"
"Should we wake him?"
"Nah, he can eat when he wakes up..."
I felt my eyes start to pry open as voices filtered through, somehow waking me from the nap I was taking. The smell of sauce filled the air along with garlic bread, accompanied by the sound of soft classical music.
"Hey..." I started, sitting up slightly and stretching. My mind held onto the dream I had and prayed it was a premonition. Farm land and healthy kids with a wife that loves me and still gives me butterflies? That's the kind of life I have always dreamed of leading...
"Morning, sunshine!" Benji came toward me with a glass of water and grinned, "You need to hydrate, bro."
I took the glass and chugged it instantly, letting out a loud, "Ahhh," when I was done. He laughed, "Liss sauteed up pierogies and warmed up some sauce if you're hungry."
"Yeah, I could eat." I stood and looked into the kitchen where she was standing at the stove with her back to us. Lissy had her hair piled on top of her head and at that moment turned, carrying a cast iron skillet to the table.
"Food is ready!" She smiled. "Sleep okay?"
It was the same smile she gave me in my dream.
My Alice, the woman I loved... in real life.
Such a simple gesture reassured my heart after so much turmoil. When life felt like it was falling apart, all I needed was her strength to guide me in the right direction.
"Yeah, how long was I out?" I sat down at the head of the table and was surprised to see plates and silverware set along with salads. Clearly, she had been busy while I was napping but I had realized it was not worth feeling guilty for getting rest. My body needed all the sleep I could get so I was going to do whatever was needed to survive.
"Uhh, maybe two hours or so?" Benji answered, taking his seat and holding his plate out for Liss so she could serve him food. "I took a nap then Liss and I played with Peach outside for a while. I helped chop veggies for the salad and did the garlic bread. Daisy told me how she makes it at home so I tried her recipe."
I looked around the table and asked, "Wait, I smell bread..."
The oven clock chirped and Lissy stood, rolling her eyes dramatically, "Yep, it wasn't quite done yet. There is a specific method Daisy uses and Benji insisted we follow it to a T."
She returned with a loaf of french bread that had been split open and toasted then spread with a garlic and butter mixture. Benji offered me a slice, adding, "Daisy told me the perfect blend of spices and we used leftover roasted garlic."
Liss took a slice and tossed it between her hands due to the temperature. "I know it's too hot but I wanna eat it now!"
"Same!" Benji added, but took a photo of his handiwork first before a selfie with the piping hot loaf of bread.
I assumed he was texting Daisy so when his phone vibrated and face lit up at the message he received figured that was a positive response from her at the job he had done.
Lissy grabbed my plate and dished salad, pierogies, and sauce before passing it back toward me. "Need a drink?"
Her question took a beat to register and I chuckled, shaking my head. "Actually bathroom first. I should have done that before sitting down."
I took a quick restroom break and washed my hands and face then grabbed a soda before returning to the table. By this time the garlic bread was cool enough to eat so I grabbed a piece and took a huge bite, savoring the perfect blend of spices, butter, and toasted bread.
"Benji... this is incredible. My compliments to you for this work but also to Daisy for her recipe." I shook my head, dunking the rest of my slice of bread into the bolognese and popping it into my mouth. "Mmmm, and with Lissy's sauce? Out of this world!"
They both beamed with pride at my compliments but I was serious.
I rarely cooked for myself but eating out frequently gave me a picky palette. I was not one to just grab garbage, even though I ate like a toddler some days. Alice was an incredible chef and Daisy worked hard to learn all she could about the culinary arts. They each had different skill sets so watching them learn together had been fascinating.
Now I could benefit from that work on a daily basis. I had the chance to see the woman I loved blossom at something she enjoyed, plus eat incredible meals. You can't get more win/win/win than that.
Liss took a bite of her meal, letting out a moan as her fork clanged to the plate. "Okay, this is good."
Benji agreed, "Yeah, you knocked it out of the park, Lissy, plus if we finish this we have room in the fridge for all the stuff we're getting tomorrow."
"Fair point. We have to eat through all our leftovers eventually," she grinned, taking another bite.
We chatted about the PBJ party as well as Trent's soccer game and all the excitement planned for the following day. Lissy explained she planned to vacuum that night if I could mow the lawn so Benji agreed to help clean up dog toys and help tidy the porch.
"So, Trent's game is nearby?" Benji asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin and staring at the garlic bread as if he was debating whether to take another piece. He must have decided to go for it since after a moment he slowly reached forward and took a slice, spooning more sauce on his plate and dipping his bread before taking a bite. "I wanna walk even if I have to use my crutches."
Lissy perked up, setting down her fork to lean across the table toward Benji. "Really? Maybe you could try to ride your bike?"
His eyes lit up at the suggestion, "That could work! The soccer field is just a couple blocks away, so I should be able to handle it with you guys right there to help stabilize."
Benji looked at me for reassurance and I reached over to ruffle his hair. "Sounds good to me. Worst case I can give you a piggyback ride and let Liss ride your bike."
They both laughed, sitting back in their chairs while I grabbed another piece of bread. Lissy shook her head, grabbing her glass of water while she let out a happy sigh. "Well, this was a great dinner and we can maybe clear out some of the fruit tomorrow for breakfast with eggs or something. Maybe we can save some bread to have with it, too."
"Garlic bread for breakfast?" Benji and I said at the same time, both laughing as we looked at Alice then at each other when we spoke in unison.
She cracked up laughing then stood and grabbed the last of the bread. "I'm gonna wrap this before we finish the rest of the loaf. It'll be perfect with soft scrambled eggs and cheese tomorrow."
I looked at Benji and his eyes widened. He wiped drool from his mouth with a napkin, laughing as he whispered, "Lissy just made me even more excited for tomorrow."
"Same, bro. Same."
We helped grab dishes and quickly got everything cleared, tucking the small portion of leftovers into the fridge. I noticed there was plenty of food and realized maybe we could do something about that.
"Want to take anything tomorrow to the soccer game?"
Lissy smiled, wiping her hands on a towel by the sink. "Love that idea! What were you thinking?" She walked closer and leaned into me, looking in the same direction toward a stack of veggies in the fridge.
"Maybe I can help cut up some of these veggies and we can take the hummus, too? That would be easy to snack on." I suggested, pointing to the celery and bell peppers in the crisper drawer. "I mean, I don't know if we need them for dinner tomorrow but we won't use that stuff for the PBJ party."
I felt Liss giggle as she tucked her head into my chest, nodding along before responding, "You're right. We don't. There are a few cucumbers also and we can grab a bag of baby carrots from there as well. Great idea, Remi!"
"Do we have to take food?" Benji asked, hoisting himself on the kitchen counter.
"Nope, but if we have it in the fridge and need room for all the other stuff we're buying for the party then may as well." Lissy answered, going back to the sink to finish putting away clean dishes. I joined her and helped load the dishwasher but noticed she was wincing as she moved.
"You good?" I asked, placing a hand on the small of her back.
She pulled away from my touch, gasping and stepping away.
Benji reached out toward Liss but she backed up, putting her palms up. "I'm okay... I just think I probably did too much lifting today..."
I looked at Benji and nodded, "Okay so the two of us will finish dishes. You're responsible for taking pain meds or your muscle relaxer then camping out on the couch with tea or cocoa or whatever you want to drink." I looked out the back door and smiled, "The yard looks fine so I will wait and mow the lawn after the party tomorrow. It's supposed to rain tonight anyway so it's no big deal if it's missed tonight."
Her eyes lit up and a wide grin appeared on her face. "I know what I want. A chocolate milkshake."
I laughed, shaking my head at her expression but knowing full well I would be more than happy to make us milkshakes as long as they showed me how. "Tell me what to do from the counter, Little lamb. I'm the one lost in the woods this time."
Liss did as instructed, taking her medication and curling up on one of the counter stools with a pillow from the couch propped in front of her. I smiled, watching as she sipped a Sprite and chit-chatted with Benji while I finished loading the dishwasher. They talked about video games as Benji dramatically retold his latest Settlers of Catan smackdown against Daisy.
Once I was finished cleaning the kitchen Benji carefully jumped off the counter and grabbed the blender from the pantry. "So, we have ice cream and milk and Hershey's syrup. That's all we need, right?"
She nodded, smiling as he looked for her approval. "You've got it, Beep. Just add some ice cream, pour in a bit of milk and chocolate sauce, then blend a bit and see how it goes. We can tweak after that point."
I retrieved the ice cream then got the milk and Hershey's syrup while Benji hobbled over to the cabinet for a few glasses. Lissy leaned over the counter and pointed toward one of the drawers by the dishwasher. "Ice cream scooper is in there."
Between Benji and me the chocolate shakes were made without much trouble. Lissy laughed as forgot to put the lid on the blender and Benji caught my mistake, quickly slapping my hand away.
"Bro! The lid!!"
I laughed and shook my head, "Dude, that would have been so bad..." I stared at the full blender jar, relieved he saved us from a major mess.
Benji laughed as I put the lid in place, triple checking that it was on properly before pulsing the blender to prepare our dessert. Within moments we had three glasses of rich chocolate shake mixed and Lissy was dragging her half asleep body to the couch. I wiped the counters and washed the blender while Benji helped her get settled and found a cooking show to throw on TV.
"Maybe tomorrow we can handle breakfast for her?" he asked when he came back into the kitchen with her nearly empty water glass. "I think Doc is gonna need to get her in to be checked out again. She's doing way too much every day."
I smiled, giving the counter one last wipe before grabbing myself a glass of water. "I like that idea. Let's do all the heavy lifting we can since we know Lissy will do more regardless."
Benji grinned, "Exactly, We're so smart."
"Even though Daisy beats you at Legends of Zelda?" I teased, elbowing him in the ribs.
He rolled his eyes at me and scoffed, "Well, I mean, I can't be good at everything. I'm only human."
My brother walked into the living room and plopped on his end of the couch, while Lissy was reclined in the corner sipping her chocolate shake. Her eyes searched for me and I watched as she met my gaze, smiling slowly.
"This is perfect, Remi. Thank you," she grinned, tipping her glass toward me. "Exactly what I was craving."
I grinned and dipped my head humbly but was struck by how something as simple as a milkshake could turn her day around.
Is that really all it takes?
Has Alice been so broken by life that even something as easy as making her dessert could turn such a hard time around?
... or does she hold the secret to life?
Maybe it's just about holding yourself together one milkshake at a time, hoping that's enough for the moment.
I stayed back and had another glimmer from my dream that filtered through my consciousness. Lissy waved for me to join them on the couch and it was the exact same movement she did when beckoning me to play tag with her and our kids at the farm.
She had the same satisfied smile, though it was sleepier now that pain meds were taking hold. Benji poked fun at how she was slurring her words and spilled some shake on her... my ... t-shirt, but I could tell Liss didn't care.
Everything will be okay. We have each other and just have to remember that's all it takes sometimes...
Right?
Author's Note
So it's been almost a month but there has been a lot going on.
I never feel like I owe anyone an explanation about my life. This is a public forum so while I want my readers to have insight, I am also well aware that this information could be found or used by some that don't have my best interests at heart. It's sad but true, so I have to be careful how I share and the way I post about myself online. This is not something I say out of paranoia, but because it has happened a number of times before and out of caution I have chosen to be more careful what I share. When you get burned, you learn to watch yourself.
My husband and I both tested positive for Covid. He chose not to get vaccinated, in spite of the health issues I face (this was a huge point of contention in our marriage, as you can understand) and was extremely sick to the point where we were told by his doctor he had to go to the hospital immediately. He refused. This meant I didn't sleep for days since he would stop breathing at night. I don't want anyone to ever go through this so if you're not vaccinated, I recommend it. The difference in Covid when you are vs are not vaccinated is insane.
Thankfully he is doing better but it was terrifying. I don't think he will ever understand the feeling I had watching him stop breathing multiple times a night and have to be woken up to check his breathing on a pulse oximeter. This is not something I wish on anyone ever. I'm thankful for medical personnel and all the frontline workers that deal with Covid on a daily basis. I've been a vocal supporter of vaccines and social distancing so it's very hard to be married to someone who has not taken this seriously.
I'm still dealing with breathing and fatigue issues (going to bed at 6 at night is super fun!) but I was vaccinated so I do not have near the problems he had.
Brian went back to work Monday but is struggling with fatigue and a cough that won't let go. Like many others with long-haul Covid issues, it's only a couple of weeks out so we don't know yet what further issues he may face.
We're doing our best, but that never feels good enough. The small amount of time I did have any brainpower was spent trying to get grocery orders put together with meal ideas that would not require refrigeration and would work with my dietary restrictions (did I mention our fridge also decided to die on us?? that happened, too....). I've been scrambling daily to survive. Writing comes last.
I'll keep pushing forward and, as always, thank you for your patience. This book will get done the right way, as promised.
Lizzy