Rosie
"Please come in Mrs Leclerc" The nurse tells me and I go into the doctors office with Charles close behind me, I had another PET scan last week and now we are here to discuss the results, with potential for me to start treatment once I have had my baby. I take a seat at the desk and my oncologist gives me a warm smile "Hello Rosie, how are you feeling lately?" She asks me and I know I can't tell her anything but the truth "Tired, really tired" she nods and notes it down "also my hip is giving me a lot of discomfort when I have been sat for too long" she nods and against notes down what I'm saying "Any shortness of breath?" She asks and I confirm "Yeah, even walking short distances is taking it out of me lately" she notes that down as well "Okay Rosie, your symptoms are matching with where your cancer has spread, there are mets on your lungs, liver and they are in more of your leg bones on the left hand side" I wince knowing that she is preparing me for bad news "your symptoms will only get worse, I am recommending that we deliver your baby early, in the time frame that has best survival rates for you both" I shake my head "I won't put my baby at risk, I will carry to term if there isn't a significant problem" I know that Charles wont like this answer one bit "Rosie, she is trying to save your life" he reminds me and I know that he just doesn't get it "I am not risking my baby, otherwise what would have been the point?" I look him in the eyes and I can see the wave of understanding in his features. He doesn't say anything else so the doctor continues "Rosie, I want to make this very clear to you, if we don't start treatment ASAP, you will only have a maximum of two months left once you have had your baby" I nod, I'm aware of my decisions consequences. Ive been going over them in my head for the past few months "This treatment will only delay the inevitable, if I have a chance to bring a healthy baby into the world who can live a long and full life then that is my choice"
Once we leave the doctors room we go straight down the hospital corridors to the maternity area "Mon amour?" Charles asks from beside me as we take a seat in the waiting area "Yes?" I ask him fearing an amount of backlash from the conversation that just ended "I love you" this catches me off guard but my heart flutters all the same "I love you too" he kisses me cheek and takes my hand as we wait to be called into the room to have our scan, its the gender scan and I cannot wait to find out what I'm having. It's scary as I did all of this before and still lost my baby, I dont want to risk that happening again. My other hand moves to my now very obvious bump. The media were all over it last weekend and speculation on the due date has already started online. Sometimes I wish I had a life out of the spotlight but then I look at my husband and I wouldn't change a thing. "Mr and Mrs Leclerc?" The nurse calls and we stand together ready to find out more about our little bean.
Charles
I sit next to the examination bed and notice the scanner already set up and ready, I cant help but feel nervous, not that I mind what gender our baby will be. I feel Rosie's fingers grazing my hand and automatically turn my hand so that I can grasp hers. I watch on silently as the nurse takes measurements of the baby and inputs them into the computer. After a few minutes she speaks "Are we wanting to find out the gender today?" She asks before showing us the screen, me and Rosie both say yes and she smiles "Perfect, well she looks very content in there" she? We are having another baby girl? I see the tears in Rosie's eyes as the nurse plays the heartbeat in the room. We are both in awe that we can hear our baby, a baby girl. After a few minutes the nurse gets our attention again "I do have some other news, your due date is slightly out, from the size of baby now I believe your due date is two weeks earlier 15th December" I couldn't believe what she was saying, Rosie will have more chance of having her treatment "Oh wow" Rosie says and I can see the smile over her features. This will be magical, more so if she gets to start her treatment and gets more time with us.
Rosie takes my hand as we walk through the streets of Monaco, we fly out to Singapore tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to the flight. Rosie gets so uncomfortable for sitting down for too long, she is suffering and I can't help her. We arrive at the apartment and I hear Rosie let out a contented sigh as she walks into the lounge. I know that she loves being here the most, this is our home. My feet carry me into the spare room and I can't help but start picturing my two girls in here at bedtime, stories and cuddles. It's all I want for my future is the both, it's all I want but I know I can't have it. She is going to be gone, March is the month that is coming too fast for me and especially for her. All of my hopes are on the treatment working enough so that I can have as much time with them together. As our family.
Rosie
I wheel my suitcase next to me, we arrive at Charles De Gaulle for our flight to Dubai before we fly onto Singapore, we flew here from Nice and I'm already exhausted. I am also dreading having to talk to Mattia about my moved up due date, it means I will leave the team before the end of the season. I had hoped to complete the season but I know that it isn't possible but it will be worth it for my beautiful baby girl. Ive been thinking about names since the scan 3 days ago. I tried to honour Jules and Anthonie with my first choice of baby names for Juliette but I can't use her name, that belongs to her and always will. I miss them both everyday, I know that Charles does too. It's been difficult on him being at Ferrari without Jules, that's by I'm actually glad he has such a great team behind him, I know he is going to be strong when I go for her, for our light in the darkness. Charles snaps me out of my thoughts when he spots the Williams team across the way, why are they changing flights in France? I spot Marcus immediately and I cant't stop myself from dashing over, I've seen him a few times in the paddock since my move to the red team but I haven't made enough effort, not with everything going on.
"MARCUS" I shout and I see him jump before spinning on his heel to look at me "Rosie?" He questions before wrapping me in his arms and giving me a gentle squeeze "It's been too long" he tells me once he pulls away "I know, I've been a terrible friend" he smiles slightly "Well you have had a lot going on" He gestures to my now very obvious bump "More than you know! Can we meet for a coffee? Friday after quali?" I ask him desperate to update him on everything knowing that my 12 months are running down day by day "I would love that Rosie" by this point Charles has decided to join us "Oh hey man" Marcus greets my husband with a grin "Heya mate, how have you been?" Charles asks and I can tell that he is genuinely asking not just to make conversation "All good, we all miss Rosie here but we have been having a decent season" he wasn't wrong Alex was getting points for them weekend after weekend and Nicky is still the consistent driver that they can depend on. I was worried that without George they might struggle "I suppose you lost both Russell's at once" Charles jokes and Marcus laughs "I suppose we did!" He agrees just as our flight is announced over the tannoy system "We need to go" I tell Charles who gives Marcus another smile and a fist bump "So good to see you, meet you outside Williams after Quali" I remind him and he nods "Wouldn't miss it! Have a safe flight" Me and Charles walk off towards our gate and I feel my reality sink in, I'm going to be gone, forever. The emotions hit me all at once and I feel really overwhelmed suddenly. Charles gives me hand a squeeze and I know that he can tell something is off "I'm okay" I mutter holding in all of the tears that are threatening to fall.
*Friday*
"Perfect lap Charles, we will stay out though just in case" I tell him over the radio "Copy that" he tells me and I know he is full focus till the flag during Quali. He has been outperforming the car this weekend and I cant help but feel beyond proud of him. I know the last few days haven't been the best, the car hasn't been where we expected it to be and I cant help but worry about the race pace tomorrow. I see Charles start his final push lap, he is currently sat in P4 which is decent considering our pace this weekend. It's always strange having the days swapped in Singapore, nighttime becomes the work day and we sleep in the daylight hours. Keeping on European time, which is difficult when you have a hot water bottle attached to your front. I have struggled since car set up on Wednesday, Robbie keeps bringing me the ice vests that the drivers use at Charles' demand. He has been worried about me, I got really lightheaded when we were leaving the paddock yesterday and he has had Mia watching me like a hawk whilst he is in the car. "Well done, P4! That was a supreme lap" I tell him over the radio "Thanks, not much more we could do today, where did Antonio come?" He always checks on his teammate "P7 ,he did well considering the traffic he faced" I tell Charles "Great job team, parc ferme?" Charles questions "Yeah, park up and remember to turn the engine off this time" I joke as last race he left the car on after "I will try to remember" he jokes back and I slide off of my stool, time to go meet Marcus.
Once I'm in the paddock I see Seb coming back from the media pen, he qualified P11 today "Hi Rosie! Good job from Charles today" He compliments "Thank you, great job out there considering the conditions" i tell him and he smiles "Far too much traffic" He agrees and I see Britta hanging back "Hi Britta, how are you?" She grins at me and walks over "Just fine thank you, look at you, your bump seems to be twice the size since we last saw you in Monza" she tells me and I can see she is itching to give me a hug so I open my arms and give her a light squeeze "its all going really fast" Seb's eyes lock with mine "Do you know what you are having yet?" I nod my head "A baby girl again" He smiles "Girls are the best" he jokes and I know this is because has has a houseful of girls "Charles is going to have his hands full" I say and Seb's eyes flash with sympathy "it was beyond lovely to see you both, have a good weekend Seb" He gives my shoulder a squeeze "you too Rosie" I wave bye to Britta before heading as fast as I can manage to Williams, spotting Marcus outside the back of the garage. I feel myself getting lightheaded again and there is a slight pain in my stomach but I focus on getting to Marcus. I tap his shoulder to get his attention "Sorry I'm late, I bumped into Seb and Britta" He grins "all good Rosie, happy to go into my hospitality?" He asks and I agree as we walk our way across the paddock. I try to focus my vision which keeps going slightly fuzzy as we walk into the familiar building and I realise how much I have missed this team.
"Good Quali for you today" Marcus compliments once we sit down with our drinks "Thanks, the car isn't playing fair this weekend so that was all Charles" he nods "Drivers do have that effect, anyway how's things with you both?" He asks me "All good considering" He looks confused "Considering?" I brace myself "I have something to tell you, not too many people in the paddock know but I trust you to keep quiet" he nods "Of course, what is it Rose?" He asks and I take a deep breath "I have terminal cancer" the words tumble bluntly out of my mouth "What?" He looks shocked "Osteosarcoma, it's was stage 4 when they discovered it" He looks concerned "Is treatment not working?" I know this is going to disappoint him immensely "I'm not having treatment currently, I would've had to terminate my pregnancy and I couldn't do that" I'm surprised to see understanding wash over his features "Of course you couldn't, Rosie I'm so sorry this is happening" I reach over and squeeze his hand "I'm making my peace with it, once I've had my baby I'm going to start treatment but it wasn't going to cure me anyway, just delay the inevitable" he nods "how did George take it?" He asks knowing all too well about my closeness with my brother "He was angry at first but he is getting there" he nods and I feel a wave of nausea wash over me. I jump up before Marcus can say anything and run to the bathrooms dropping to my knees in front of the closet toilet. The entire contents of my stomach comes up but I'm more shocked to see the amount of blood. I manage to pull my phone out and dial Charles "Help. I'm at Williams hospitality" i mutter before I have to empty my stomach again, I don't even hear him reply before the darkness takes over.