June 16, 2004
"Anything happen between you two?" Matsuno questioned as he looked between Baji and me once we were all together for lunch on the rooftop.
After what had happened during the morning has set me on edge. I couldn't look at Baji. I couldn't escape the feeling of just pretending like he didn't exist. He already found out too much about me. Things that I wanted no one to find out about my life. I wished I could go back in time and left earlier for school in the morning or something. Anything.
Baji hardly spoke. I wasn't sure what was going through his mind. I wondered what he thought about my twisted life. I hoped he wouldn't tell anyone else and kept it to himself.
"Nothing," we both answered at the same time.
We looked at each other for a moment before looking away.
"Right. And Baji can write," Matsuno joked.
"Oi!" Baji said with a frown, "You said you wouldn't tell them."
Matsuno laughed at his friend's reaction.
"What?" Yukimura questioned.
"A few months ago, Baji was writing a letter and totally failed at writing 'tiger'. Can you believe that?" Matsuno laughed again.
I looked at Baji, "Really?"
"It's no big deal and not that funny," he replied, staring at Matsuno as if to try to get him to shut up.
I found it interesting that Baji wasn't as academically successful as his appearance would let you believe. But I suppose you can never judge someone based on their looks alone. I found myself wanting to know more about him but I could never admit it to myself.
Yukimura clapped her hands together, gaining our attention, "I have a great idea! How about we start our own study group? We can have it at my house. I have a big enough room for the four of us. Exams will come fast enough so we can do it after school-"
"I can't," I cut her off.
I always went straight to the hospital to visit my mom. I wasn't going to change that to study for school where I wasn't at all even interested in. I was an average student but I wasn't going to go overboard to be the top student when I didn't care.
"What is so important that you wouldn't want to study with us?" Matsuno questioned me. "You never hangout with us outside of school."
"I'm antisocial. I thought that was clear."
"But you're changing," Yukimura said, "You're the one you brought Baji-kun in our group."
I couldn't argue with her because she was right. I was the one that brought Baji to this group. Matsuno might have followed me, trying to get me to accept him as a friend for two years until his girlfriend wore me down until I finally did. But the situation with Baji was different. I was the one that approached him.
Why did I bother? Now he knows things he shouldn't.
I clenched my teeth together.
"I can do Sundays but I would have to leave at 3."
"Deal!" Yukimura said with a bright smile, "We will meet on Sundays to study together."
Matsuno and Baji seemed to agree with this arrangement as they nodded their heads in confirmation.
Yay, I said in my mind with sarcasm.
"Hi, mom," I greeted as I leaned in to kiss her forehead as I always did when I visited her.
"Who is your friend?" she asked me.
Her inhuman hearing scares me.
I turned to look behind me. Baji stupid as he took my mother in. Her unseeing eyes were looking towards us. There was a breathing tube in her nose. Yet, she smiled warmly at us nonetheless.
On our way to the hospital, I did my best to try to talk him out of coming along with me but he was persistent in meeting her. I kept thinking of ways to stop him. I could have threatened him. I could have beaten him. Maybe broke his leg. In the end, I couldn't get myself to lay a hand on him.
"This is Baji-san. He is my classmate," I introduced him.
"Now, now. You wouldn't simply bring over a classmate. He must be very important to you for you to bring him to see your dear old mother."
"I told you," I said, grabbing her frail hand, "You aren't old."
She laughed, "Aren't you going to argue that he isn't important to you?"
"Because he isn't. He insisted on meeting you when he found out certain things."
"Oh," she said, "And what did you learn, Baji-kun?"
"I- I. Well. Ma'am. I don't really want to repeat-"
She laughed, "It's alright. Do not worry yourself. And please, call me Hikari."
Baji smiled at my mother, "Will do, Hikari-san."
"I like this boy," my mom said, squeezing my hand, "I approve."
Of course you would.
"Will you promise me something, Baji-kun?"
"It depends on what that is."
"How honest of you. I like that. I would like you to promise me that you will take care of my precious child. I know circumstances are dangerous. I am not asking you for your protection but Ayato has a way of pushing people away and taking on all the burden. It is far too much for my precious child."
"I'm fine."
She ignored me, "All I ask is that you be there. I do not want my precious child to suffer alone."
"Mom, I already told you that I don't want to get anyone involv-"
"I promise, Ayato will never suffer alone again."
I turned my gaze to Baji as he looked at my mother. I didn't not hear any deception in his words. He was being completely serious.
"Thank you," I turned to my mother as tears began to form in her eyes, "You've made this mother so very happy. You see, I love my Ayato with everything in me. My child is my everything. It did not matter how Ayato was conceived. My child was a gift for what I had to endure. A gift that I treasure so much. I only wished I could have-"
Her voice broke as the tears slid down her cheeks.
"Mom..." My heart tightened in my chest. "You are an amazing mother."
She shook her head, "I should have protected you more."
I brought her hand to my lips, kissing it, "You protected me just fine. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm lucky to have a mom like you."
I was being honest. Instead of her despising me for existing and for being a constant reminder of the violence that had been put on her body, she accepted me in her warm embrace and loved me. Her resilience was her strength. It was too bad her body was weak.
"I'm just happy you found a friend you can rely on," she said, "I'm not sure how long I have left-"
"Don't. Don't you dare say that. You'll get better."
"Oh, sweety. My organs are starting to fail," she said, "The doctors don't know how to cure my illness. It is only a matter of time. But now I can rest easily knowing you won't be left alone."
"I'll be by his side, Hikari-san."
"I entrust my precious child to you, Baji-kun."
I did not like how my mother was speaking. I didn't want to think about losing her. She was my everything. There was no more meaning to life if she died. Why would I want to live in a black, white, and red world without her? I wouldn't. She was the only reason I was doing my best to survive in this twisted world.
Please. I can't lose you, mom.
-----------
July 4th, 2004
As my friends worked hard as they studied around the coffee table in Yukimura's room, I was laying my head in my arms with my eyes closed. I was unmotivated and bored at looking at subjects I had no interest in.
Why do I keep coming every Sunday? At least it's almost over.
"You remind me of Mikey," I heard Baji say to me.
"Mikey?" I questioned, lifting my head a bit to look at him as he sat beside me.
"An old friend of mine."
"You have other friends?"
He laughed, "Don't sound so shocked. And yes. I have a lot of old friends."
"Didn't know you were so popular."
Baji had been almost always by my side since meeting my mother. He would even come with me to visit her but he would let me be alone with her. He'd only come in whenever I asked him to come in if my mother asked about him.
It felt odd to hear that he had other friends outside of school. I wasn't sure how to feel about it.
I shifted so my chin rested on top of my palm as my elbow rested on the table. I looked at the couple who were sitting on the other side of the table.
"You guys don't look shocked at all."
"Chifuyu-kun has met them before," Yukimura informed me.
"Really?" I questioned, turning my gaze to Matsuno as he tried to avoid my eyes. I sighed, "Whatever. I don't care."
I let out a yawn before my phone in my pant's pocket started to ring. I took it out to look at the caller ID.
"Excuse me," I said to my friends as I picked it up, "Hey, Sorano-san. Something wrong?"
'Can't I call you just to say hello?'
"I guess. How are you?"
I heard her giggle on the other end, 'You are the same as ever. I'm fine. How are you?'
"Decent. Kind of busy with a study group right now." My friends were all staring at me with interest.
'Whoa. Whoa. Wait. A study group? Meaning you are with people? Like real people?'
"Yes. My friends."
It still felt odd saying that.
'...'
"..."
'WHAT!?'
I took my phone away from my ear as she shouted.
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'FRIENDS'? SINCE WHEN? WHO ARE THEY?'
My friends were all wincing as they heard her yelling through the phone as if I had put her on speaker.
"I'd explain it if you'd calm down."
'...Okay. I'm calm.'
I placed the phone back to my ear, "I made some friends at my school."
'Well, that's surprising. What changed? You'd push everyone who tried to be friends with you since we were kids. You even tried to push me away.'
"Yeah. I met a guy that did the same thing as you. Persistently followed me until I gave up," I looked at Matsuno as he looked at me confused.
She laughed, 'I like him already.'
Now that I really thought about it, maybe that was why I eventually gave in. Matsuno was similar to Sorano in that regard. He never gave up trying to befriend me, like she did.
'And the others?'
"His girlfriend. You'd like her," I said, giving a glance at Yukimura as she smiled in response, "She was the one who drilled it into me that I should accept Matsuno-san as a friend."
'Yep! Love her! Way to go, girl! Any others?'
"Baji-san."
'And how did you make friends?'
"Complicated."
'Complicated? How did he approach you to be friends with you?'
"He didn't."
'He didn't?' I made a sound to signal yes. 'Hm. Can you put me on speaker?'
I decided there was no point in arguing with her, putting the phone on speaker. The call was longer than I had intended. Maybe I should have left the room but now my friends were too involved.
"Done."
'Hello, Yato-kun's friends! Nice to meet you! You can call me Sorano or Sora,' she greeted them with her regular friendly attitude through the phone.
"Uh. Hi," Matsuno said. The other two were two stunned to say anything.
She giggled, 'I am so happy he finally made new friends. It is about time. He has been so damn stubborn ever since we were kids.'
"He's always been like this?" Baji questioned.
'No. Not always. Yato-kun used to be a smiley and warm kid. He was so friendly.'
I regret everything.
"What happened?" Yukimura questioned.
'Hm. That's not really something I can tell you myself because I honestly don't know. He never told me what happened. I just know that something happened in the summer when he was 8. Something... Made him emotionally shut down and push people away. But I was his friend. I'd never abandon him like that. I wouldn't allow him to push me away.' There was a short pause. 'That's why I am so glad he is finally letting people be his friend. Thank you so much for being his friend. Yato-kun is very kind, selfless, and protective.'
"We know," Yukimura told her, "We can see it even though he tries to play off as a cold person without emotions."
"Are you his girlfriend?" Matsuno questioned.
Really?
She burst out laughing, 'God, no. I love him but he is more like a sibling.'
"I recall you promising me you'd marry me when we got older."
I decided to tease her a little.
'I take it back. I hate you.' If I hadn't mastered my poker face, I would have laughed. 'How dare you bring up something I said when I was young and stupid.'
"Ouch."
'Anyway. You're not my type anymore. I like a husband type. And you are just not.'
Sorano was the only person other than my mother and Rai to know my true gender. So, I knew exactly what she meant by that.
"You aren't my type either."
'Wait. Do you even know what your type is? Are you thinking about dating now?'
I could hear the curiosity and mild panic in her voice. No doubt she was worried about me.
"Not in the slightest."
We heard muffled voices in the background.
'Shit. I have to go now. I'll try to come visit you at some point when things calm down. I miss you. Take care of yourself. Bye!'
She hung up before I could say anything else. I wondered what she was up to now. A rehearsal? A photoshoot? A concert? I was proud of her for making her dreams come true. She was only a year older than me and she was already on her way to being a national, maybe even a world, idol.
I missed her. I haven't seen her for over three years. But I knew that was for the better. She was safer away from me.
"And you were surprised that I had old friends?" Baji questioned me with a smirk.
I shrugged, getting up after noticing the time. I couldn't visit my mom today as the hospital called to tell me she couldn't have visitors today. But I was exhausted and wanted to go home anyway.
"See you guys at school tomorrow."
"You didn't have to leave with me," I said to Baji as we approached our apartment building.
He shrugged as he walked next to me, "I wasn't getting much studying done anyway."
"I don't get you. It's dangerous being around me."
"I like danger," he smirked.
I don't know if he is being an idiot or brave.
"Hey, kid."
I turned my gaze ahead of us. Rai stood a few meters from us in a large hoodie with a baseball hat and his hood on top of his head to hide his identity. I almost forgot that this was his three month drop in to check up on me.
"Rai."
His gaze fell on Baji, "You again, huh?"
"Leave him be," I said to him.
"Funny you should say that. He should come with us," he said, moving towards the building.
"He is not going into my apartment."
"I'm the one paying for it. And I invited him. Let's go, kids."
I couldn't argue with the man. I just gestured to Baji to follow us.
Why is this Rai interested in Baji?