Chapter 20
JEON JUNGKOOK'S POV
Taehyung was right. I used to like a girl back then, used to make me feel crazy without her knowing. But I had everything under control and did my best to ignore and regarded it as a passing emotion. Something that would stray far away. Would disappear if shrugged off. I had never told anyone because I wasn't planning on doing anything about it. I just couldn't do it. Too scared. Never had been ready for it so even when I had heard rumors that Aera liked me, too, I avoided her even more. Eventually I got over the whole thing when we started our internship. Did not see her too often. Too busy to wonder if I could finally grab the chance to be with her.
I was firmly decisive on the girl I liked too much.
So why was I being impulsive on someone I wasn't romantically attracted to?
Soohyun recovered from the shock and disbelief, pressing her lips together as she stared at me in what felt like dismay, and my heart was in my throat now that she wasn't saying anything at all to break the awkward silence in the air. Hard to decode. I counted seconds in my head, peered down at my hands to find them trembling. I knew I instantly had a room for trouble. Soohyun chuckled, and I felt even more hefty like something had pinned down on me.
I shook my head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked a stupid question. You're probably mad and I can't blame you—"
"No, no. I'm just sad..." she said, her voice weak. I stiffened as I watched her tilt her head as if she was studying me, wondering how I could say something so big yet held no meaning. "Do you just feel like kissing someone now and you know that I'm right here, and that's convenient for you?"
I was left with no words to say. The shame from the previous moment forcefully slammed into my body and had me scrambling for something to hold onto. I hated that Soohyun's voice was filled with nothing but disappointment.
"I'm sorry..." was all I could muster.
"Jungkook."
"I'm sorry if I made you feel like I'm taking advantage of this situation." This moment just proved how dumb I was dealing with practical scenarios and making adult decisions.
"I hope this doesn't make our friendship awkward again... And as much as I don't want to admit this to you, I feel like I need to clear this up. I really like Namjoon and I don't want to ruin what we have right now. Not that I assume you have something going for me."
I feigned a smile, feeling both relieved and sad. Relieved that she was trying to make it easier for me and not to drift away from our blossoming friendship. Sad that I had tarnished what we have and made it weird for her. "I know."
. . .
"I miss hanging out with Soohyun," Taehyung said while he was sorting out some documents. I lifted my gaze and was once again reminded me of my stupidity. I sat across from him, thinking of something else but failed. I leaned back against my seat.
"We can visit her and ask her to go out with us after work," I suggested.
"Would you really come? Every time I ask you if you have something to do after work, you tell me you're going to bed," he commented absently.
"I won't refuse this time. Besides, it's been weeks since we haven't talked personally to Soohyun. And we owe it to her to help her have fun every once in a while."
The corners of Taehyung's lips tugged upwards. "Wow, coming from you—"
"—I'm trying to be a good friend."
Taehyung smiled. "Okay."
"But don't you think Soohyun isn't asking us to hang out even when she's available because of Kim Namjoon? I've seen him a few nights around here."
He looked surprised. "Oh. Sucks to be us, then. I need someone who'll wait for me as I get off my shift, too."
"And ditch me?"
He shot me an incredulous look and arched his brows. "What? Would that make you sulk? I won't purposefully ditch you for anyone. But sometimes, you've got to set your priorities..." Taehyung picked up his mug of coffee and drank down the rest of it in one go. "Jungkook."
"Yes?"
"Have you thought of settling down? Even for once?"
I was stunned by the sudden turn of conversation, the seriousness quickly emanating from his expression. I watched him play with the retractable pen between his fingers, spinning and clicking. "Not yet. Have you?"
"It crossed my mind a few times. But I didn't give it much thought because I don't even have a person to do it with. I'm not in a rush, you know. But now that I turned thirty, it makes me think what I'll do for the next years. Am I just going to study and train as a doctor as much as I'd like to? What comes after? I'm having fun right now and I'm happy with everything I have, although I haven't accomplished my dreams of having my license, my own house and car yet. Those things..."
I gave him a nod, processing his words, trying to be understanding. "That matters for now, right? You're happy. The future is such an appalling idea. Too unpredictable. You don't know what it holds for you. Sometimes, though you have planned everything out, things don't go your way. We've seen it all. Both of us know what we have planned before didn't happen even if we worked hard. And it's hard not to think about the future, but I'd rather not to. The present is already difficult to process and carry on our backs." I sighed at how pretentious that sounded, and I wondered if Taehyung took me seriously.
"But don't you want a family of your own?"
"To be honest, I'm not sure."
"Me, too," he said.
"I'll take it slow."
"I guess that's the best we should do."
"We have long years ahead of us."
"I agree."
"There's a lot to do, you know. Develop as an individual. Personal growth. Pick more hobbies and interests."
Taehyung continued. "Plus travel! God, why do I talk like we're running out of time? We're still young. And building and raising a family isn't easy as it sounds."
"Big responsibility. Not ready for that," I said.
"The thing here, my friend, is that we'll never be ready for anything."
A single day encompassed so much. I had done a few consultations and assisted senior doctors on anything they asked us to do. Visited our patients and monitored them closely, a few chit chats here and there, updating on our clinical study and another documentation work, saw Soohyun and was kind of glad she smiled at me, then got back to series of activities that were listed in the job description.
If there was something I wanted to do the most, it was to forget the kiss that didn't happen. Much to my surprise, lately Soohyun had been on my mind. Like the apparent absence of her shadow had marked a space on me and I couldn't get rid of it.
A terrifying thought.
Worse that I didn't know why it could have so much power to terrify me.
I used to be able to get through this. Absence was supposed to get me back on track.
But now it seemed to be not working.
Weeks passed by in a blur and the thrill of seeing Soohyun had not vanished. It made my fingers shake in anticipation and I hated myself for craving for more. It was the way she still managed to wave her hand at me whenever we would walk past each other. The way she would still regard me a smile like I had not made her feel taken advantage of. The way she would still message me that I should not overwork myself because health comes first.
How I wish I could easily turn away.
. . .
It should have ended there. The second I felt something inexplicable, I should have faced the opposite side and proceeded to live how I usually did. Work, sleep, visit my parents, then repeat. Something that drove me mad couldn't have fit in my routine and yet somehow it managed to slip through. I began to be nervous around Soohyun for some reason, and the best way was to shun her; however, the thought of leaving without an explanation would totally break her. She knew we were friends and if I walked off, she would find reasons to blame no one but herself. Think that something was wrong with her. That she wasn't worthy enough to be kept.
And so I stuck by.
Over the next months, I had faith that the troubled waters would still. I never expected that the waves could intensify and so did my distress. I had come to a point where I let myself be and I would sneak into Soohyun's office and ask her anything about what she was doing. How is your research going? Tell me about it. You guys need to carry out additional studies for the feasibility? I'll have to listen to the details. What can I help you with? Most of the time, Taehyung didn't know about our late night conversations, those nights when we would stay few more hours in the hospital and talk about anything over cups of coffee. We had shared palpitations that we both laughed off and joked about. And then Namjoon would ring her phone and I'd watch the smile break over Soohyun's face as she excitedly told me he was coming to pick her up. Every time I thought everything around me began to sway, the colors bleeding together.
Even Taehyung was astonished by the progress in our friendship. "You guys are getting too comfortable with each other."
I was startled that my mind worked quickly. "Is that a bad thing?"
He patted my back, reassuring. "Nope. I'm glad you're trusting someone other than me."
Third year of residency rolled in until I had realized I was liking what was going on between me and Soohyun more than I would care to admit. Started off new year. The 31-year-old me was waiting. Jiwon continued to stick around me and we both knew we were prolonging what was supposed to end earlier yet we said nothing. I began to loathe myself even more even when I could do better. Am I still happy here? Questions such as that started to daunt me to sleep.
"I think I'll finally say yes to him." The sound of Soohyun's voice left an ambiguous ache in my chest, warmth transforming into an icy jab, and when she said something again to convince me, it traced a hole, feeling agonizingly hollow.
I said, "I'm happy for you."
Taehyung made a joyful noise. "Finally getting yourself a boyfriend, I see."
After that day, I found myself sitting at my desk in my bedroom at my parents' house, the stack of old postcards I used to write poetry and prose on – my source of comfort - back in college whenever things got too much scattered across the table. I never would have thought that I would resort to writing any of this again. So I picked up a pen and wrote, "You are something that I cannot grasp in my hand. Like a water escaping from my hold; a wind that is empty in my embrace. But I am still able to feel your presence. Like a water sticking wet on my skin; wind that gushes soft against my cheeks. I'll willingly take that. It's a relief to know that you are here, although I can't reach for you enough." The next morning I was regretful that I had made it. I seized the card from the drawers and tossed it into the trash bin. I couldn't find the strength to confront my feelings and I had come to understand the reason why many other people like me are terrified of facing these. Scared to know that I was being impulsive for the second time around and that it could've been just a shallow part of myself that would perish.
But as strange as it sounded, I was ecstatic, and just the glow in my chest was enough to make me feel weightless, lighter... Something I had been yearning to feel in years.
I'm falling again.
I called Dad that day and decided to tell him everything.
PARK SOOHYUN'S POV
Right there I wanted to kiss Namjoon. Just a peck on his lips would suffice but I was afraid I would not be able to contain myself if I did. And I wanted to cry.
Cry because I had not felt secured that this would work and turn out well in the end. I was utterly uncertain but I loved the feeling of it. I wanted everything to be as perfect as I imagined in my head that if it did not go that way, I would be so broken.
Namjoon grabbed a tissue and wiped it on my chin. "Messy eater."
"Can't help it. Why do you cook so well?" I said, retraining myself from tearing up because he would find it weird to have a woman cry in front of him over food, and it wasn't even about it.
He smiled, appreciative. "Food is my love language."
Do you love me?
I remained quiet in my seat as I ate everything Namjoon served on my plate. I hoped I could call Taehyung and Jungkook to come over and eat with us, but this evening was reserved to be only for this man.
"I can't wait for you to meet my mom. Though we're not officially together, I am sure she'll love you a lot," he said.
It made my heart flutter. I must remember and remember. Every moment of it. "I believe so. When can I meet her?"
Namjoon appeared jolted, like he had not expected I would agree. "God, I feel bad. To be honest with you, there are things I want to fix first, uh, in our family, before I can formally introduce you to them. Yeah, I'm sorry we'll have to wait—"
"Hey, don't feel sorry. It's totally okay."
"Sure?"
I moved my hand closer to his on the table, grateful that we were alone together in the office. "We're not in a rush, right?"
"Yeah."
"But you can meet my family."
He sighed. "That wouldn't be fair to you."
"I'm not complaining."
"I don't want to make you feel like I'm hiding you—"
I shook my head. "Joon, you have nothing to worry about."
"Can we wait a little longer? I'll meet your family when everything doesn't feel wrong anymore-"
"What does feel wrong? Is there something you'd like me to help you with?"
"No, everything is under control. Trust me."
I smiled at him. "Okay." His hand closed over mine and held it a moment, the warmth of his fingers hugging my skin. When someone from my team walked in and threw a cheerful greeting, I easily pulled away my hand, staring at grinning Namjoon.
. . .
"I wanted to see you."
I grew accustomed to see Jungkook showing up at odd hours in the hospital, appearing at the most random times in my life. Sometimes, he would come without a notice and I would just hear him knock on the door of the office. The members in my team had stopped questioning about it. "Why, thank you," I answered.
Jungkook grabbed a chair from across the room and made himself comfortable in his seat. My eyes darted to the food container he placed in front of me. "How are things going?" he asked.
"Pretty fine. The research's getting more demanding but I love every hour I spend in the lab."
"You?"
"Hmm?"
"How are you doing?" he asked me again, his gaze unwavering. It puzzled me for a brief moment, but I could've been mistaken. He watched me the whole time I checked out the food he brought.
"I'm good, as usual. I've had a long day but it's fun."
"That's great... My dad cooked that."
"He dropped by?"
He nodded. "Yes. I requested to have him cook my favorite dish."
"That's so cool of him."
"He was annoyed that I disturbed him. His words, by the way."
"I like him already."
Jungkook wore a shy smile and leaned over the table, clasping his hands together and peeking at the papers I was reading. "I love my Dad... I figured we can't afford palpitations tonight so real food is what we need."
"Thank you. I've already eaten but I'll have a taste. Where's Taehyung?"
"He already left. He's coming home to Daegu tonight."
"Shouldn't you be going home, too?"
His big eyes looked at me, mouth agape. "Uh, do you want me to leave?"
"I can't ask you to leave. It's up to you."
"I'll wait until you decide to go home."
I laughed. "Seriously?"
Jungkook was flustered. "Did I say anything weird?"
"No, no. I'm guessing you have a lot of things to talk about. Taehyung and I like how you're gradually becoming more chatty. You used to keep everything to yourself."
"Talking to the both of you has helped... You can ask me to leave if you have really important matters to get done with now."
"You can stay."
"Thank you... Are you expecting Namjoon?"
"Yes," I said before he got quiet. I got used to him getting silent in his own bubble all of a sudden. As I spent more time around him, I came to understand that Jungkook was naturally a quiet person who valued his personal space, and when there were days he would just disappear on us and not reach out for some time, I figured he was trying to recharge himself after long days of socializing. Jungkook looked at me for another long minute. He seemed to want to say something more, but then just shook his head and sat quietly. I laughed and raised my brows. "What?"
"Nothing."
"Then, don't look at me like that."
"Look at you like what?"
I gave him a small shrug. "Like you're hiding something that I should know."
"I'm sorry. I was just going to ask you if you want to go to Haeundae Sand Festival." The look on his face was expectant.
"That's in Busan."
"My parents' hometown."
"I'll let you know. Has Taehyung agreed to come?"
"As a matter of fact, I want us to go together. Just the two of us. But if you' d like it better if Taehyung came, I will ask him."
"Okay."
Jungkook seemed restless, rubbing his hands gently against his cheeks but when I turned my focus back to my laptop, I saw him place his head on the table, his posture in an uncomfortable position as he hunched in his chair. "What are you doing?"
"Have a quick nap."
"I think you should go home."
"I'll leave once Namjoon comes here," he said in a muffled voice.
"You've been doing weird things."
Jungkook lifted his head and stared at me with sleepy eyes. "Weird?"
"Yeah." I got out of the chair and walked to take a pillow from the couch, later handing it to Jungkook so he could rest on it. He accepted and thanked me, but he had taken his gaze away from me until I sat again and put my fingers back on the keyboard.
"In what way?" He was stiff another moment.
"I honestly don't know, but you feel like that."
"Ah." He seemed to take in what I told him, zoning out, before finally lulling himself to sleep.
. . .
We had switched onto a phone call after I seemed to ruin Namjoon's peace of the night. My chest was warm with satisfaction, and I repeated yes, yes, yes in my head, sounding just as perfect as I typed it on text.
"Why would you do this at 1 AM?" Namjoon complained, but I could feel his smile and I wished I could see his expression.
I chuckled. "I have to sleep. I'm going to work by seven."
"Okay. But you're not getting your words back, right?"
"No."
"Sleep well."
A yawn escaped my mouth. "You, too."
"I have just gained the right to tell you I love you?"
"Yup."
"I love you," he said. Things are not going fast, Soohyun. You're just on the right time.
I gladly returned the words.
I've got a boyfriend.
Real this time. Official.
I was not dreaming.
Spending study hours with Namjoon was admittedly my favorite part. I liked looking at him turn on his nerdy serious mode as he typed away for hours, highlighting on his readings, and discussing to me about marketing and entrepreneurial processes which I cared less about. There were times he had to pull all-nighters at a 24/7 coffee shop and I accompanied him while I also worked on my research. I had watched him get frustrated over finishing graduate school. On days I had no work and he was free, he brought me out on museum and library dates, a thing I had not known I would come to love.
I wondered how I could feel such intense emotions for real with someone I had gotten to know slowly, on a much deeper level, starting from the small talk up to the comfortable silence. How Namjoon could openly hold my hands sent tingles to my chest with the sheer joy of it. Every interaction I made with him had me itching to let his existence in my life be known to my family, and so I asked Namjoon if he wanted to see at least the man I trusted the most, he politely explained how he was not yet prepared to meet Jimin. I had not told my brother either. I would wait until I knew he could do everything I wanted at his own pace, but at the moment, I wanted to enjoy the things which came dating Namjoon.
I almost cursed at the weather when the rain poured so heavily and it felt like it was mocking me. Taehyung and Jungkook watched me slowly get upset and complain about my hair I struggled to fix earlier.
"Calm down," Taehyung commented.
"I have a date with Joon. I'm running late. I don't have my car with me."
Jungkook said, "Too bad we can't leave the hospital yet. He must have been waiting for you. Take my umbrella."
"Are you sure? How are you going--"
"Don't worry about me. Now, go. You can't be late for a sweet date."
. . .
Jungkook
Can I send you a pic?
Of what?
I'm embarrassed to let you see it. But tell me what you think.
Omg 😆 what's this. You're so cute!
Hehe thanks
When was it taken? You look much younger!
College. Went on a family vacation. Mom took it for me.
Just wanted to show you because I found it on my old camera.
Yeah I remember you used to have longer hair one time.
Yup I hope it looked good on me.
Of course!
Thank you. Have a great day.
Say hi to Namjoon for me
Will do :)
Strange enough, Jungkook had made a point to send me throwback and random photos he had in his gallery. Figured it was his way to enjoy little things after long hours at work and he had managed to text more than Taehyung did. Weird routine, but Jungkook was having fun and that was all that mattered.
Then, he sent me songs he loved listening to. I gladly listened to every song he recommended and told him what I thought about it, to which he would usually reply with I'm glad you like it, I'll find a similar song, That's a great music interpretation, or a dry like emoji.
One time he sent me his own cover of Somewhere Only We Know by Keane, his voice sad and low. Attached with a message: it's been long since I sang a cover. Not at my best right now so my voice sounds kind of off but let me know your thoughts. I laughed at how formal that sounded and I was surprised to know that the most intelligent guy I knew could sing.
Jungkook
How could you have fooled me!
You sound so angelic.
You should sing more.
Thank you.
Sometimes it was frustrating to receive such short replies, but I knew how much of a dry texter he was so I shrugged them off.
But then what aggravated me the most was when there came a moment, it was late in the evening and I was working in the office, and I knew Jungkook was still right there in the hospital, and I got a message from him. Something that sounded like he broke free from his own restraints, like he had been holding back the whole time. I had noticed them all. As if he should do something at once but he was never just sure what it was.
For the past months, each time we were together, I had always felt his words tripped over each other inside of him, trying to sort out the right ones, but nothing just came out. And I steered clear of everything. I didn't wonder what those meant because what could have they possibly meant for him?
Signs were ignored.
I read the text again.
Jungkook
Don't you know how special you are to me?
In an instant, a spur of anger built up in my chest, squeezing and attacking. I didn't know what had gone into me that I left what I had been working on and headed straight to Jungkook's assigned office. The doctors in the room told me he had just left and so I quickened my steps, catching up and praying I would get to him.
I found him walking up to his car.
"Jungkook!"
He flinched and turned around to see me, his eyes wide and mouth open. He asked me what was wrong and I felt even more upset.
"Don't you ever pull that innocent face on me."
"What did I do wrong?" He opened his car door and stuffed his backpack into the vehicle, letting it sit on the front.
"Don't go running in circles. Your message, idiot," I said through gritted teeth.
Jungkook looked like he was starting to panic. "It's... I-it's true. You're special to me because you're a friend and I wanted to express how grateful I am—"
"I'm not a fool to buy that."
"What?"
"Tell me the truth. I don't want any of your mind games. If you'll keep fucking with me, then don't ever waste my time again. Just stay away."
He reached out to me, fear across his features. "No, Soohyun, even if I—"
"Even if I don't give you the answer you want to hear, you should not confuse me."
He pressed his lips together, sighed, put his hands on his waist and turned away to hide his face. He shook his head like he was trying to think of some sort of explanation. Or apology. And I might have overstepped a boundary by forcing him to say what was on his mind but I could not let him go on like this for the next days, weeks, or months, while he was there continually speaking in riddles, doing the most questionable things.
Jungkook faced me, looking so frustrated. Tears threatening to fall from his eyes.
"I like you, okay? That's the truth. I'll never deny that. But you're with someone else and I don't want to be the reason of ruining such a beautiful relationship. You don't need a confusing guy so I'm backing off. And that doesn't mean I'm backing off as your friend, too. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere... God, I knew it was a mistake to send you that. I'm so stupid."
The admission felt like a bomb was dropped off my direction and I wasn't able to run away and save myself. "You never showed me you like me that way..."
He shook his head, his expression desperate as he sniffed silently. "What if I had expressed it differently? What if staying faithful to you was enough for me?" he said, his voice hoarse and weak.
I stared at him in fear. "Why would you do this..."
"I'm being true to myself now and I don't care if you don't feel the same because it's enough that I have said I like you in different ways. Those nights I joined you is one of them. Having you take my belongings is me saying I like you. Asking you to come with me everywhere is me confessing. And I don't mind doing it the conventional way if that means it's the right thing to do."
"What do you expect me to do after all of this?"
"Soohyun, nothing. You don't have to do anything. And this is why I warned you I'd rather not tell you the truth because it would change us. It would rattle you, and I don't want that..." Jungkook wiped the tears on his cheeks and shook his head. "You should go. Do you want me to drive you home? Come, Soohyun."
"No, I can go home by myself, thank you."
"Okay... This doesn't change us, right? I'm still your friend. I want to be your friend. Please don't avoid me, will you do that?" He took off his jacket and placed the thick material over my shoulders. "But if you no longer want a confusing guy to be your friend, tell me."
[AUTHOR'S NOTE:]
wow we're on chapter 20 after 91389598 years. can't wait to finish this book.