Izzie turns the bathroom light off before she even opens the door, not wanting to wake Casey up with the light. She moves as silently around the room as possible, finding her clothes and dressing. It's a Thursday night and Casey has training in the morning. Steve has been merciless in his efforts to prepare her for her competition in a few weeks; the biggest one she's had since she started working with him. Izzie worries about her. She wants to trust that Casey knows what she is doing but she can see the strain and stress in the quiet moments, when Casey doesn't think Izzie is watching. When they're together Casey seems happy. It gives Izzie a warm, fluttery feeling in her chest just to think about how happy they both seem to feel. But Casey talks about track, and her goals, less and less. And they still never talk about this thing between them and whatever it is they are doing here. Izzie tries not to let herself even think the word "relationship."
Izzie gets her pants on and fastened, then pulls her shirt on. She'll button it later, when she can see what she's doing. She grabs her blazer and her bag and gently turns the door knob. She'd come to the Gardners straight from work to spend a little time with Casey before it was too late. Elsa and Doug had been out on a date. Work has been crazy lately and she's had to stay until 8 or 9 all week which means she hasn't seen much of her family or Casey. Luckily Gabby and Dylan are super independent now and pretty much take care of the grocery shopping and cleaning and caring for Chloe, when she isn't with her dad. Dylan even packed Izzie's lunch the other day.
Casey was already in her pajamas when Izzie arrived and they curled up on her bed commiserating about Dan and Steve and misogynistic assholes in general.
"So... remember Kate? The assistant trainer I told you about?" Casey asked, absentmindedly stroking Izzie's jaw as she lay curled up against her with her head in Casey's lap.
"Mhmm," Izzie murmured, closing her eyes and enjoying the sensation.
"She wants me to leave Steve and train with her instead."
Izzie opened her eyes.
"Seriously?"
"Yeah," Casey nodded.
"Are you gonna do it?"
"I dunno. Probably not. It's super risky. I mean, I feel like I only get one shot at this thing and... Steve's like, a sure bet. I mean, he has so much experience."
"He's also a dick."
Casey sighed.
"Yeah."
There was a pause and then she continued, "But Kate's like, young. Not as young as us, obviously, but... she's never trained anyone herself before. It's... risky."
"True," Izzie said, as she absentmindedly turned onto her back so Casey's fingers could trace the length of her neck.
"But, you're always talking about what a great relationship you have with her."
"Yeah, she does make everything so much more bearable with Steve. Did I tell you she figured out how to get that one knot in my glute out?"
"Seriously?" Izzie said, momentarily distracted from the amazing feeling of Casey's fingers tracing along her collar bones, inside her button down shirt.
"Yeah! And I know it's like... a big deal that she talked to me. I mean... she could get fired for that. Though, obviously I'm not gonna tell Steve. But... still. It's clear that she's sure about me."
"Well..." Izzie said, "You have time to think about it."
She reached up to cup Casey's face with her palm as Casey unbuttoned her top button with a soft smile.
"True. But I don't have much time left with you before we both pass out so..."
She unbuttoned another button. Then another. And slid her hand inside Izzie's shirt. Then her bra. Toying with Izzie's nipple until she was breathing hard and soaking her panties.
"Please," Izzie breathed.
"Please what?"
She heard the cocky smile in Casey's voice. Izzie sat up and climbed on top of her and then they kissed deeply as Casey continued to undress her, kissing her neck until she moaned and begged for more. They made love, in the quiet Gardner house, like they had so many times before. Naked and face to face, breathing each other's breath, riding each other's thighs, desperate for more but wanting to drag it out. Until finally they came, almost in unison, each pulled along by the other's ecstasy.
And then Izzie was turning off the light so Casey could fall asleep and letting her own eyes close "just for a few minutes." And before she knew it it was two in the morning and she needed to get home and try to get some more sleep before she had to go to work again.
She clutches her things carefully as she shuts the door behind her and walks down the hall, avoiding the creaky spots in the floor. She does not want to wake the Gardners. Izzie's pretty sure their families know something is up at this point but she and Casey have been careful not to sleep over when anyone might notice. Or to be too loud during sex. Or show affection in front of anyone. She's not sure why. It just seems like another mutual, silent decision they've made.
"Would you say Casey is your girlfriend?" Sonia had asked recently, making Izzie choke on the sip of water she'd just taken.
Izzie's mouth had opened and closed a few times as she searched for words. The sound machine by the door that protected these sessions from listening ears in the waiting room outside whirred soothingly. Izzie thought about the fact that Casey hadn't mentioned Curtis in a long time. Hadn't gone to New York again since that first time. They've never talked about it but he doesn't seem to be a... factor... anymore.
Finally she murmured, "I don't know. I don't... think so?"
"It's ok not to know," Sonia had said kindly, patiently.
Sonia's earrings brushed gently against her hair as she spoke.
"Izzie, some of the work we've been doing here together is helping you face things that are hard for you to face and talk about them, so that you can figure out which things require you to take action and which things we can help your mind put into the past."
Izzie nodded, and fiddled with her fingers. She took a deep breath.
"I feel like... if I face it, and have to deal with it... I could lose her. Again."
Sonia nodded, compassionately.
"You could. That's the risk we take in relationships. And the result can be a deep, intimate connection. Or it can be loss."
She let her words sink in for a moment and when Izzie didn't speak Sonia continued, "There's no rush. But relationships can only go so far when both parties are not communicating."
Izzie swallowed. She could feel the tears pricking at her eyes. Why must this woman always make her cry?
"It's just... I feel like in general I have pretty good instincts. But with Casey I'm... frozen. Like, I don't know what to do. Because I've made so many mistakes with her in the past. I've hurt her SO much."
"Have you talked with her about any of it?"
"No," Izzie said adamantly. "If I talk to her about it... that makes this... real. And if this is real then... she might not want it."
"Do you want it?"
Izzie stared at her. She'd been working with Sonia for a while now and could recognize the mental block inside herself. The compartmentalizing her mind was doing to prevent her from really considering the question.
"I don't know," she whispered. "I mean she... she hurt me too."
She blinked back tears. Just recognizing her own patterns was progress. She knew Sonia would tell her that.
Sonia smiled a small, gentle smile and continued, "You've been working so hard here. And one of my hopes is that together we help you develop the skills and self regard to really claim what you want and deserve in your personal life, the way you do in your professional life."
Izzie nodded and took a deep breath. She could feel the deep inner exhaustion that meant she was done talking about this for today. She hoped Sonia would drop it.
"So how are things with Dan? Have you spoken with HR?"
"No, but I need to," Izzie sighed.
Sonia nodded grimly.
"He actually used a racial slur in a group text with our team last week! Tried to pass it off as a joke. I just need to finish getting all my documentation together."
Now, as Izzie rounds the corner to the top of the stairs, it doesn't feel as pressing to talk about things with Casey. Things are really nice right now. Why throw a wrench in the gears? She takes the steps carefully, avoiding the ones she knows, from experience, will squeak. When she is almost at the bottom she looks up... and sees Elsa.
Izzie freezes. Elsa is standing in the doorway to the kitchen with a glass of water in her hand and a stunned expression on her face. Her rumpled hair and pajamas make it clear she has just gotten up to get something to drink before heading back to bed. Izzie's pulse starts to race. Elsa's wide eyes take in Izzie's open shirt and disheveled appearance. Izzie's free hand flies to her shirt front and she grips it closed.
"Sorry!" Izzie whispers, not sure if she is apologizing for potentially waking Elsa or being in her house at 2AM or having sex with Casey.
Probably it's a little bit of everything. Elsa blinks a few times.
Then she smiles a very small, sleepy smile and makes her way around Izzie to head back upstairs, squeezing her arm affectionately as she passes and whispering, "Don't forget to lock the door."
The next day, as Izzie walks from her car to the office building, she texts Casey, Welp, your mom saw me sneaking out last night.
A "..." appears. And then disappears. And then reappears. Izzie scans herself into the building with her badge and glances nervously at her phone, waiting for a response. She has no idea how Casey is going to feel about this. Will this be the straw that breaks this thing wide open? She waves at the receptionist and heads to the elevator. Her phone buzzes.
Oops, is the response.
Izzie presses the button.
She can't resist typing Sorry, even though she's pretty sure Sonia would not approve.
Casey's response comes immediately.
No need to apologize. Let's just hope she doesn't start making us leave the door open again 😏
Izzie chuckles.
They don't talk much about the past. Not in any specific way anyway. Sometimes she wonders if Casey ever even thinks about it. This casual reference to their past feels... meaningful.
She types, Fingers crossed, and presses send.
The elevator arrives just as another text pops through from Casey.
Maybe this is a sign from the universe that I need to get my own place.
Smiling, Izzie sends Casey a gif of a dog wearing a turban and staring into a crystal ball. Then she walks onto the elevator.
The "Elsa Incident," as Casey has termed it, seems to have shifted their dynamic. Izzie wakes up on Sunday to the sound of laughter coming from the next room and looks at the clock to see that she slept way past the time she would have normally woken up. She goes into the living room to find Casey sitting on the floor in front of the tv playing video games with Chloe while Dylan watches closely, eating a pile of scrambled eggs from the plate balanced on his lap and interjecting with tips and advice. Casey is wearing one of Izzie's t-shirts, which is adorably fitted on her, and the pants she'd been wearing the night before. The kids seem unphased by the fact that Casey is here, and obviously slept over. They barely look up when Izzie comes into the room.
"Hey!" Casey says cheerily, glancing up at her. "Can't talk now I'm getting totally demolished here!"
Chloe giggles as her small thumbs fly over the controller. Izzie blinks. She goes to the kitchen to find that there is already a pot of hot coffee waiting as well as toast, sausage and more scrambled eggs. She pours herself a cup of coffee and goes to sit beside Dylan on the couch.
"Did you make breakfast?" she asks him.
Dylan is not a morning person.
"No, Casey did," he says, through a mouthful of food, before continuing to trash talk Casey, who is biting her tongue in concentration.
"Oh! Casey's gonna drive me to engineering on Saturdays," he says.
Izzie stares at him. She and Gabby had been trying to figure out who would drive Dylan to engineering camp once Izzie had to start working Saturdays during "busy season." It isn't on the bus route. She'd actually been thinking of asking Elsa.
"Oh... are you sure?" she asks.
"Yeah!" Casey says, glancing over before returning her eyes to the screen. "No problem."
Then, attempting to talk and concentrate at the same time Casey says, "I can just do my... run while he's... there... There's a nice trail nearby.... No!!"
Chloe cheers and laughs. Dylan bumps fists with her.
"Just like I taught you," he laughs.
"Damn it," Casey grumbles.
Then she abruptly turns to Izzie.
"Then I can drive him home after. Good morning, by the way."
Casey smiles warmly at her, making her breath catch.
"Good morning," Izzie says, smiling a little shyly, feeling lost for words. "Thanks for making breakfast."
"No problem," Casey says softly, getting up and walking to the kitchen.
Izzie follows her over.
Once they're out of earshot Casey leans against the counter and, lowering her voice, says, "Hey, sorry... I accidentally slept here all night and when I woke up Chloe had just gotten here and Dylan was up and... they were hungry... so I made breakfast... and then they asked me to play... And then Dylan was telling me about engineering camp, and that he needed a ride, so I offered to drive him... It all just sort of happened. Is that ok? Do you want me to go?"
"No!" Izzie rushes to respond, suddenly aware she hasn't brushed her teeth or showered yet. "No, it's... fine."
And Casey looks so beautiful and casual leaning there against the counter in Izzie's t-shirt with her perfectly tousled bed head hair that Izzie knows she puts almost no effort into. Casey's expression is a little uncertain. A little hopeful. And memories of last night are playing through Izzie's head. It all sort of takes Izzie's breath away. She swallows. Smiles.
"I'm glad you're here."
She grabs a plate.
"And thanks for making breakfast."
They end up spending the whole day together. After they eat they take turns playing more video games with the kids.
Then Casey says she needs to go for a run and Izzie says, "Oh, I'll join you," and then they are swinging by the Gardners' to pick up Casey's running clothes.
They go for a two hour run on a beautiful trail that snakes through the trees. It's early fall and a few leaves are just starting to change. It's a beautiful sunny day and the trail is packed with seniors power walking, kids riding bikes and couples holding hands. Casey rolls her eyes good naturedly as she has to slow her pace, again, to navigate around a couple with a baby.
"This is what you get for hanging out with my family instead of doing your morning run," Izzie jokes.
"Eh... it's worth it," she replies, and her smile makes Izzie almost crash into a bicycle.
Casey grabs her arm and pulls her out of the way, laughing, and they decide to stop for a water break. The cool breeze feels good on their hot skin as they stand in the grass and gulp from their water bottles.
"Speaking of your family," Casey says, after a long swig of water. "you guys are really... incredible people."
Touched, Izzie smiles at her. Casey's face is flushed from exertion and her skin glistens in the sun. Her chest moves up and down rapidly, with her breaths.
"Aw... Thanks. Jeez Case... That's sweet."
She takes a swig of water.
"Well, I mean it... the life you've built. Together. It's really impressive. And it's all because of you."
Casey looks a little nervous when she says it. A little shy. Izzie stills and grips her bottle a little more tightly. She had not expected this.
"Thank you..." Izzie says quietly.
She looks away to hide the vulnerability she suddenly feels.
"It hasn't always been easy. I mean," she continues, chuckling weakly, "It's rarely been easy."
Casey smiles wryly and kicks the grass with the toe of her shoe.
"I know I... gave you a really hard time back when... well, you know."
She looks down again. Izzie swallows a rising lump in her throat.
"I'd like to think I'd... sit with things... differently, now."
Her wording is awkward. Izzie wants to ask her what she means. But this careful communication feels so hard won. She's afraid to reach for more. So she smiles, cautiously, and offers what she can.
"I... things were really hard back then. And looking back... I realize now I was really depressed."
Casey's eyebrows quirk sympathetically but her body and face are otherwise motionless as she stands there, watching Izzie carefully.
"Casey, I said and did things I really regret."
Casey nods. Swallows.
"Yeah... me too," she says, quietly.
And there's a moment where Izzie knows that they could wrap it up here. Move on and continue their run. But she's trying so hard to be brave. Casey is shifting, as if she's about to suggest continuing their run.
"I'm so sorry I hurt you," Izzie says suddenly, heart racing. "I should've said it before now."
Casey freezes. Stares at her with wide eyes. Fumbles for speech. Izzie squeezes her water bottle in a vice grip, trying to relieve some tension. She hopes Casey doesn't notice.
"Me too," Casey says, voice tight. "Uh, thank you. I-I'm sorry too. For hurting you."
Their eyes lock. Izzie smiles a small, appreciative smile. It feels so terrifying and yet there is just the tiniest edge of hopefulness to the moment. She takes a deep breath.
"You know, I..." she starts, gazing into Casey's eyes.
Fear grips her. She licks her lips and tries again.
"I actually went..."
Casey's eyes are catching the sunlight, red-brown and tinged with sadness.
"What?" Casey asks, softly.
But Izzie can't do it.
"Nothing. Nevermind," she says with a smile. "Ready to keep going?"
She nods at the trail.
After their run they take turns showering and then Casey drives Izzie to go grocery shopping. When they get back, and are unloading their bags in the parking lot, they run into Gabby. She glances between them as she locks her car door and walks over to grab a grocery bag out of Casey's trunk.
"Hey losers," she says. "Cute shirt Case."
Casey looks down at Izzie's t-shirt self consciously and she and Izzie make sheepish eye contact behind Gabby's back.
"Wanna stay for dinner?" Gabby tosses back at them as she heads for the stairs. "I'm making tacos."
"Hell yeah," Casey says, bumping Izzie's hip playfully with her own as they walk up the stairs.
---
A few weeks later Izzie wakes to her alarm to find Casey still there next to her. She shuts off the alarm and drowsily rolls over to shake her.
"Hey, you overslept," she mumbles.
Casey groans and mutters something unintelligible. Izzie sits up. Yawns and stretches. She can hear Elsa downstairs puttering around the kitchen. She'll probably have a hot cup of coffee waiting for Izzie in a travel mug when she gets down there. The thought of it makes Izzie smile.
"Hey, you gotta get up," she says, trying to roll Casey over.
"Can't," Casey grumbles. "I can barely move. Fucking cramps. I already texted them."
Izzie runs a soothing hand over Casey's back. They've been having more and more nights like last night, where they cuddle and talk and then just fall asleep together. They're not having sex any less, they're just sleeping over more. Bringing an overnight bag or even leaving a change of clothes. Izzie's helping Casey and Elsa look at apartments this coming weekend.
"Do you want some ibuprofen?" she asks.
"Yeah," Casey says tightly, "thank you."
Casey gets cramps much worse than Izzie does. And Izzie knows she wouldn't be missing practice if it weren't really, really bad. She grabs her own glass of water off the nightstand and gets some ibuprofen from the medicine cabinet. Then holds them out as Casey props herself up. Casey's face is pale and as soon as she swallows the pills she curls gingerly into the fetal position.
"Here," Izzie says softly, "Roll onto your stomach, I'll rub your back until it kicks in."
Wordlessly Casey does it, pushing her pillow to the side and lying face down. Izzie crouches beside her, slips her hands under Casey's shirt and begins to gently massage the tense muscles of her lower back and hips. Casey breathes out a shaky breath as Izzie finds a particularly tight spot and massages into it, moving to straddle Casey's body for better leverage.
"You're gonna be late," Casey breathes, her voice weak with relief.
"I won't wash my hair, it'll be fine," Izzie says lightly, her bare thighs pressing against Casey's.
She works her thumbs into the areas above Casey's hips, kneading carefully, making her grunt.
"Thank you," Casey whispers, breathing shallowly through the pressure. "God, you're really good at this."
And Izzie thinks about saying "No problem," or even the always timely, "I'm really good with my hands."
But instead she, bites her lip, swallows and says, "The advantages of dating a woman," as lightheartedly as she can muster.
It's dangerous. Using the "d" word. After all they're not exactly going out to nice dinners with each other or romantic movies. But their lives are so tightly woven together now Izzie isn't sure what else to call it.
Casey doesn't tense or freak out. She just lays there, quietly. Izzie takes it as a good sign. Or at least neutral. She thinks about her conversations with Sonia. As time has gone on she's had to admit to herself that, yes, she does want Casey. Obviously. Not just right now and not just for sex, but for the long haul. And now that she's allowed herself to acknowledge this fully she can't stop thinking about it. And worrying. The time is coming when they won't be able to dance around this anymore. She knows they need to talk about it. Should have talked about it a long time ago. But now that their lives are so intertwined there's so much more to lose. Surely Casey knows this. Surely she wouldn't have allowed things to get to this point if she didn't feel the same. Maybe she's just waiting for Izzie to bring it up.
After a while Casey's breathing slows and her body relaxes into sleep. So Izzie climbs carefully off of her and slips into the bathroom to get ready for work. When she gets downstairs Elsa is there, putting her shoes and coat on. She looks at Izzie questioningly as she hands her a travel cup of coffee.
Izzie takes it gratefully and says, "Cramps. I think she's staying home today."
Elsa frowns compassionately.
"Does she need anything? Should I take her food?"
"She's asleep," Izzie says, slipping on her shoes. "And she took ibuprofen so I think she's ok for now."
Elsa nods and it's as if Izzie can see her resisting her urge to over-nurture. She turns her thoughtful eyes to Izzie.
"Well. Do you want a ride? Your office is on my way."
Izzie smiles.
"Actually a ride would be great! We can catch up."
And as they walk to the car Elsa says, "Oh, you guys are joining us for Thanksgiving, right? I know it's early but I'm starting to plan."
A wide smile spreads over Izzie's face.
"Yeah. Yeah we'd love that. Thank you."