Out here actin foolish like im 17
B.S.- jhené aiko
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We got to the hotel an hour ago, they have a mandatory show that i need to be at tomorrow. I'm still not sure why that is, my job is to help them make music in the studio. I have no place in the concert at all.
The tour bus ride was fairly short, once iann got up i stayed out there for maybe an hour longer before i passed out in the bedroom. I don't even remember falling asleep, but I remember getting woken up because I'm not a happy person when i first wake up.
We are currently in Boston Massachusetts, and it's seven at night. I've been laying down on my bed for the last hour. I haven't moved, this bed is so comfortable for no reason.
I haven't called emma yet today, which I probably should because I truly don't want to feel the wrath of my bestfriend thinking I'm ignoring her. I've texted her though, but it isn't the same in her words.
She threatens to not slut me out anymore, can't have that.
Me and emma have never actually messed around before, we've made out but that's about it. We just joke around alot, and she likes fucking with iann by telling him that she's fucking me or something.
Iann will always gag at the fact of anyone saying something sexual about me, in a joking way. If it's just a guy saying something sexual and meaning it, iann turns into hulk smash in about 2.3 seconds.
I sit up in the bed, looking around the blanken hotel room. It was a nice hotel room, truly gorgeous. But it just drew my mind at a blanken state.
It had light grey walls, along with a little grey sofa next to my bed. My bed was white, but with a matching grey bedframe. Then there was a small table in the room as well, then it had the balcony.
A yawn leaves my mouth, before i stand up from my bed. I stand still for a few moments as the world around me begins to spin and my vision blurs.
Once my vision is back I begin to walk over to the small mini fridge that sat in the front of my bed. I lower myself down in a squatting position, before opening the small black fridge.
I grab a cold water bottle out, closing the down as i stand back up straight. I twist the cap off before bringing the bottle to my lips, i take a small sip before bringing the bottle down and twisting the cap back onto it.
I throw the water bottle onto my bed before i make my way to my bathroom, i only had to walk straight ahead because the bathroom was right by the front door.
I don't know why, but i mean...
I push the bathroom door open, flipping the light switch on and shutting the door behind me. At first glance of the bathroom, on the left side of the room is where the huge mirror and double marble skin.
In the middle of the room on the back wall was the toilet, then on the right side of the room was where the shower is.
I rest my hands on the marble countertop, looking at my fresh face. My skin looked a little bit more pale than usual but I truly didn't mind it, my hair was tried back into a lose ponytail because i just wanted it out of my face.
My face looked a little blushed, but i found myself wanting to get ready for no reason at all.
I do this alot.
I click my tongue, my eyes scanning myself debating what i wanted to do. If anything, I'll just smoke a cigarette.
Just to clear my head, look at the night sky from this random hotel room.
I loved looking at the stars, it always cleared my head. So this would be no different, expect i had nothing to clear from my head. I just wanted to look at the stars.
The stars were always a part of my life, I remember when i was younger i would look at the stars with my dad and my brother every weekend until late at night.
Sometimes when i was sad, my dad would take me on our roof and he would sing to me you're the star by rod stewart.
Even when i was younger, i was still very naîve. I had my insecurities, and i had alot of things exposed to me. But if he ever caught me on thr roof at night, he would climb out my bedroom with me and just sit with me in silence.
Sometimes its all you need.
He never made me open up if I didn't want to, sometimes we would sit up there for hours before i even spoke a word.
I walk to the bathroom door, pulling it open and flipping the light switch off before making my way out into the room.
Once i get to my bed, i grab the coat i was wearing earlier. Picking it up and reaching into the pocket to grab my cigarettes out.
I flip the boxes lid open, taking a single cigarette before discarding the box onto the bed. I place the cigarette into my mouth, holding it in place with my puckering lips as i make my way to the balcony.
I open the doors, then step out. The cold air sends a chill down my spine as i take the lighter out of my pocket.
I flick the lighter on, the small red flame hitting the cherry tip as it glows red from the slightest heat. I suck on the filter as i hold the lighter to the tip, once im able to puff smoke out the side of my mouth i bring the lighter down.
I rest on of my elbow on the railing, hunching my body over as i take in the fumes i let flow into my mouth before removing it from my lips. I look up at the dim sky and exhale the smoke, it wasn't super dark yet but it was dark enough to see the many splatter out stars.
What i tend to do when i look at the stars is reminisce on old memories, sometimes they would make me sad sometimes they wouldn't.
I've never truly been connected with my emotions, so the lines tend to blur together. That's just how it is though, it's me.
Sometimes I write just to easy my mind, like last night i sat on the balcony and wrote along with getting my paperwork done. It puts me at ease due to the remote calm setting, with the guys being— well frat boys i have a feeling calm setting aren't going to be something i get often.
Sadly enough i like distance and silence.
Well distance and quiet, silence is just horrifying to me.
I'm very open about wanting space, I don't like people being to close or around me for to long. And i sound like a liar when i was around xavier for over an hour.
Regretting every second of it.
I would have just forgot about it, if it wasn't brought up to me by emma. Only he lied, which wasn't something that surprised me. That night we didn't have sex, and he didn't even touch me— like at all.
But of course he decided to lie and say we fucked, which first of all ew. And second of all ew.
I never really saw the point of lying about having sex with someone, it's just really fucking weird. I hate sounding like a bitch— wait no. No I don't.
I bring the cigarette back to my lips once more, hallowing out my cheeks as i sucking the filter as the smoke quickly fills my mouth, hitting the back of my throat harder than it did the first time.
I cough a little bit, but that was a given since I usually do it at least one time while i smoke a cigarette. My first drag of it is usually never the worse, it's always the later drags that get me due to the toxins making my throat more raw than usual.
I stare up at the sky that got visibly darker in front of my eyes, my eyes trail the stars that are straying away from the bigger groups.
The further it is, the more likely i am to notice it. There's alot more to the stars then what meets the eyes, you can't explain the unexplainable. I can probably go on for hours about questions and just little things to observe.
I sound like a geek but it's just a soft spot for me i guess.
I tend to associate people with stars due to stars being very dear to me, so the biggest compliment i could give is telling someone they remind me of a star.
I haven't met any new people that remind me of stars, the only ones are iann, trell, and emma.
I remember the first week i moved in with iann, I didn't come out of the room. I always had my door locked too, so it just became a habit from a young age.
But once night i was sitting on the roof, I don't even remember how i got up there but i did. And iann grabbed a ladder from outside and climbed up to me.
Even us being that young, he knew i was sad. Well i was past sad, but that night we sat on the roof until five in the morning. He just hugged me the whole time, we didn't speak a word and he just hugged me.
We aren't as close anymore, but we still are close. Sometimes people just grow apart, there's nothing wrong with it.
We still come to each other when we need help, we still are the first person we'll ever go to if we need someone to talk to.
Expect for when he's drunk, i learned it's better to stay away because he will spill everything he knows.
And i mean everything.
Right down to who he sees his mom sneaking in. It's like his thing to be lurking in the corner when he knows your not home.
His mom is grown, but i swear he doesn't like men with any important women in his life. But i do the same with his mom, but she has the best responses.
Like this one time, me and iann were watching a movie on the couch and the lights were off because well that's how you watch movies.
And she was sneaking in through the front door, and the way iann was looking at her was priceless.
All she said was 'I'm grown mind your business' and iann just looked at the dude behind her and said 'leave before i call the cops and tell them an unknown white man that's wearing a sweater vest is in my home'.
That's mean even for him.
It was hilarious though, he ran out the house and dropped his glasses.
I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, shaking my from my thoughts as i throw the burnt out cigarette over the railing.
I walk off the balcony and make my way back to my bed just to grab my cigarette box once more and grab another bland white stick before pulling my phone out my pocket.
Zayn: hey princess
I trail my tongue along my bottom lip before clicking on the message.
Me: hey z baby
I press send before putting the cigarette between my lips once more and making my way to the balcony.
Me and zayn have been texting over these past few days, i still don't know how he got my number because he won't tell me but it's been a trail of flirty texts.
Zayn: z baby? I like that name alot pretty girl
Me: I'll keep that in mind
Zayn: what are you doing love?
Me: smoking
And with that text being sent i put my phone back in my back pocket, taking the lighter once more and cupping my hands around the small open flame so it doesn't burn out due to the wind.
I suck the filter, getting a long first drag before pulling the lighter away. It filled my mouth within a second, already coating my throat with ease.
I look down this time instead of up at the stars, my eyes trailing the very long drop. It looks like a long drop, but if i were to fall id splatter on the pavement below within seconds.
That sounded suicidal, but i feel like it would be the worse death you can possibly endure. Along with drowning.
Fucking hate the ocean.
Almost drowned in the ocean once when i was younger and now I refuse to go into the ocean.
If you put me up in this room a year ago, I probably wouldn't have fought the urge to jump. Which is sad, but nobody is happy their whole life.
But the person I've become today is one that i am endlessly proud of. And it will forever stay that way, I'm happy.
I find myself smiling to myself on how far I've come. I bring the cigarette I forgot about again to my lips, sucking in the cancerous toxins letting that blandly tasting smoke fill my mouth.
I pull the cigarette away, exhaling it through my nose as i find myself turning my head to the side of me to lock eyes with another balcony.
Harrys room was next to mine this time, not in front of mine so I knew that it was his balcony. But with a blessing, he wasn't outside.
I turn my head back, facing straight in front of me. Bringing the cigarette to my lips once more and taking a thick drag, pulling the cigarette away and exhaling the thick cloud.
I felt at peace. At peace with the world, at peace with myself.
Once you finally feel at peace with yourself, everything that follows becomes easy. It's not easy finding who you are, but when you can finally make amends with your past mistakes it makes your life easier.
Well a little.
But if i can do it, anyone can.
I hear a knock at my door, making me turn my head to face it from the balcony. I sit in silence for a few moments before i hear another knock.
I had a feeling it was probably iann, if it was someone else well I wouldn't answer. I flick the cigarette over the railing, watching it as it drops the at least hundred feet.
I don't know why they always get hotel rooms on high levels, we're on floor 15. I truly only thought they only have five floors at most, but 15? 15 is insane, and that's coming from someone who likes heights.
I turn around, making my way off the balcony through the bedroom, and through the hallway. I hear another knock as soon as my hand reaches the handle.
I close one of my eyes, and bring the other to the peephole and sure enough it was iann. But i seen the guys piled up behind him, so i found myself wondering why there were here.
I pull the latch, it the metal rubbing against the metal lock causing it to screech. I turn the small lock on the door handle of the door, pushing the handle down before pulling the door open.
As soon as I open the door, iann flashes me a small smile. I was still a little confused as to why he was here but I'd probably find out right now.
"Hey." I say before moving out of the way and walking further down the hallway so they could enter my room.
"Hey." Iann greets as i see him walk in, the guys piled up following behind him. Almost all of them were wearing black outfits.
Louis was where a black nike athletic sleeveless black shirt with simple black straight legged jeans. Liam was wearing a basic black tee, and the same basic black bottoms. Surprisingly enough, niall wasn't wearing black. He wore a white sleeveless shirt, with a white champion snapback wore backwards, thick framed sunglasses and black jeans.
Iann wore a black hoodie, along with baggy black jeans. Zayn wore a black leather jacket along with a plane black t-shirt under, and black ripped jeans. Harry wore a black button up shirt, only the first three button were undone showing his chest. He wore black ripped jeans as well, with a dark olive green bandanna that held his messy curls back along with a single gold cross earring.
"What are you guys doing here?" I blurt out, feeling like I've been staring for way too long not to say anything.
It was something about the way the guys were looking at me that gave me this kind of uneasy feeling. Like iann was going to tell me something I didn't want to hear.
"Um, so we were thinking.." iann begins to speak but both mine and his attention turns to harry as he starts shaking his head. I furrow my eyesbrows in confusion, given he's just shaking his head and there's no context behind it.
"You guys were thinking, I don't want to be here." He mutters before scoffing as if he was mad at the near thought of being here.
Truly cannot have one moment without harry saying something that was like an insult towards me. I'm still not sure what i have done for him to act this way, it still confuses the fuck out of me.
Iann stares at him blankly for a moment longer before shaking his head and looking back at me, iann looked annoyed but said nothing to harry. "Again we were thinking, there's a night club like 10 minutes away and we wanted to go. So we came here to ask you if you wanted to come with us." He asks.
It felt really soon to be going to a night club, I barely know them. I've never been In Massachusetts before, so not only is this a new experience but it's an experience I won't have to worry about later.
"I mean yeah, I don't see why not. You'll just have to give me a minute to change." I agree to going, shrugging my shoulder before crossing my arms.
Within the few moments I hear shuffling in front of me, since i was looking at iann I didn't know who was making the slight noise. I don't know what it is with me and iann looking at things at the same time, but as soon as my eyes look up he turns his head.
There was harry, making his way to the front door. I don't know what he did to make the noise, because he didn't grab anything or make any mad huffs.
Iann looked at harry like he was done with him already, "Where are you going harry?" He asks in a monotone.
Harry continues to walk, grabbing the door handle and pulling it open. This made iann sigh, "harry where are you going." Iann repeats.
Harry turns around, he looked very irritated for some reason. "Like i said, if she was coming I'm not fucking going." He grits, revealing what he was irritated with.
I stare at him blankly as i find myself getting mad at the fact that he's acting like I'm the worse person in the world— hell I haven't even done anything. I barely even reply to him when he talks to me, I don't understand what he's whatever he is, is about.
"I've told you so many times," he says before pointing at me but looking at iann. "I don't want to be around her, and I don't want to be her fucking friend. I told you not to bring her along and what did you do? Bring her along aways." His annoyance clear with his tone, his eyes flickering to me and sending me daggers as if I've done something so terrible to him before he put the hand he was pointing at me with down.
"Shut up and shut the door—" i find myself cutting iann off, losing all the patients completely.
"God, I'm getting really fucking sick of you. Y'know that? What's your problem with me?" I scoff, my expression quickly turning tense as the pissed off state my mind was in shows clearly.
This made him turn around, his face jaw sharping and his eyed sending me daggers once again as if i just fucked up badly. "You exist, that's my fucking problem with you." He shoots back before closing the door behind him and walking back towards us.
I exist.
"Guys—" iann trys to interject but i end up cutting him off with a laugh, i found it funny.
"And you exist too, but you don't hear me bitching about it 24/7." I spit rather harshly, my glare now mimicking his now.
"I'm not as irritating as you." He deadpans.
"Your worse. I haven't done anything to you, and you just never shut the fuck up."
"Both of you stop it." Iann snaps loudly, making my glare stray away from harry and to iann instead.
"He started it, he's just mad I didn't leave when he warned me to." I mumble, my glare flickering back up to harry.
"Exactly fucking that!," he exclaims before throwing his arms up as if he just lost the lottery. "I don't understand who in their right mind wants to stay with a group of people who doesn't want you around."
"You don't want me around." I deadpan before rolling my eyes, not giving him the yelling reaction i know he wants.
"Do me a favor athena, and learn when to shut the fuck up. I mean seriously you are—" he gets cut off quickly by iann whos eyes went wide in disbelief.
"Enough! God shut the fuck up." Iann snaps, lacking patience with the both of us.
I wish he got the chance to finish that sentence, truly i do. I wish iann didn't interrupt, because the reason he interrupted that fast was because he knew that he would say something.
My face still softens however, my tongue poking the inside of my mouth before nodding. Iann sends me a warning glare, warning me to keep my mouth shut as he turns his head to look at harry.
Harry was standing there with his arms crossed as well now. His jaw was tense, like he was holding back words as well. Just as iann turns back around, "If your brother has to constantly defend you, your not going to last here. And i can promise you that." Harry says.
"Your miserable." I shake my head.
Misery loves company, which explains what I've seem from him in a nutshell.
He shrugs before he begins walking closer to where me and iann stood. "You are miserable too if your going back and forth with me love."
Iann takes a deep breath, "Let's just go, you guy's can't be in a room with each other for three seconds." He mumbles.
"Because he's a dick." I mumble as as well.
Harry flashs me a smile, "You haven't seen dick yet love." He says in a sarcastic tone, yet he clearly looked mad. His glare was more intense, it didn't take long for that smile to whip clean off his face.
"Oh really?" I find myself asking, I really didn't take him serious. I cannot take someone who is a dick for no reason seriously.
"Mhm." He hums.
I look him dead in the eyes, "Come show me, love." I taunt. I knew he didn't like this when his jaw sharpened, so his face was no longer that softer expression of his mouth just being closed.
As soon as harry opens his mouth, he couldn't even get a sentence out before iann finally had enough. "Do i have to put a mussel on you guys? Your like fucking Chihuahuas always yapping at each other. It's been two days!" He snaps, you could see in his face that he was fed up.
Zayn ends up nodding in agreement with iann, "Yeah you guys talked to each other maybe three or four times, why the fuck are you fighting like this?" He asks.
The way harrys glare shifted to zayn made it clear he didn't like something he did or said, "I don't like her." He says simply.
Don't say suck my dick, don't say it—
"Hey harry, you know what why don't you suck my fucking d—"
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A little shorter than usual but oh next chapter;)
Till next time