There's inches between us
I want you to give in
Shameless- Camila Cabello
☦︎ ☦︎ ☦︎
I've been sitting on this hotel balcony since midnight. And I honestly wish i was joking when i say that this was the calmest event today.
I've smoked at least five cigarettes, how I haven't had a headache yet is still a mystery to me.
I listened to music all throughout last night and i still am. I really should've slept because i have no clue what today has in store for me. But I couldn't fall asleep so i used it to my advantage.
I've tooken a shower, i called emma like i said i would, and i wrote many things down.
I bring the cigarette that I've been holding between my middle and index finger to my lips, sucking in the toxic dismay I've been smoking back to back since last night.
I then toss the cigarette but off the balcony, i've been looking at this yellow notepad for the past twenty minutes and for once im my life my mind is completely blank.
I blow out a breath before i turn my head to the back of me, gripping ahold of the railing as i stand up from sitting crisscross.
I bend down and pick up the notepad that held my phone on top of it before i make my way to the bed that I didn't even bother to lay in.
I was already changed into black ripped mom jeans, a regular white tank, and a black fuzzy sweater.
It's the beginning of october, there is no excuse in my book for it to be so cold. But then again i stayed outside in the open cold so, my fault.
I hear a set of knocks at my door, which makes me look at the door then to the alarm clock thats on the nightstand. It reads '4:57' am.
I stare blankly, I don't know exactly who was at my door because it was simply just a knock there was no context after it. I look back over to the door, "who is it?" I call out loudly.
Within a few seconds, "it's iann, ena." I hear iann call out.
"Coming." I call out before i make my way to the door, jogging basically. I twist the lock, unlocking it before pulling the door open to see iann who looked fairly tired.
"Morning sunshine." I smile making him roll his eyes before i moved out the way so he could come in.
"4:30. I had to be up by 4:30." He grumbled as he walked into my room. I close the door, locking it after before turning around to see him layed back spread out on my bed.
He breaths out through his nose heavily, it was one of those annoyed breaths. He clearly was not happy that he had to be up so early, but then again he's just mad at the world when he first wakes up.
I sit down at the desk chair that rested in front of the bed, the hanging tv infront of me before i spin the chair around to face him.
"Why are you up so early?" He mutters, he looked like he was struggling to keep his eyes open while he was looking at me.
"Didn't sleep." I shrug.
"Fucking insomniac." He says before sitting up, i let out a breathy chuckle before standing up. My eyes travel to the alarm clock on the nightstand once more, to read it now being 5:10 am.
"What time do we need to get going at?" I ask.
He says nothing for a moment. She staring down at the floor, he's clearly zoned out.
"5:15." He answers finally surprising me.
"Well lets go, it's 5:10." I say before grabbing my bag that laid next to him.
He gets up, looking over to me as i grab the yellow notepad that had my phone resting on it. I was able to fill out all the paperwork last night, and i read through it because I didn't wanna like sign my life away to their label or something.
We make our way to the door, pulling it open quickly and letting him walk out first. He muttered something under his breath as he walked out, but I didn't catch it because again he muttered it.
Again not a morning person.
I walk out after him, shutting the door closed behind me as iann already makes his way to the elevator. He was walking very slow, very slow.
"Are you good?" I ask looking back at him as i was able to get to the elevator before him.
"I have a headache, my back hurts, I stubbed my toe on the way over here, my nose started bleeding sometime while i was asleep and i had blood on my pillow and face, i have a room next to niall and he was fucking someone, and i lost my fucking cigarettes. No, no im not. Im tired." He snaps calmly, no at me but just at the world.
I try my hardest not to laugh, rolling my lips into my mouth as i press the elevator button.
"Oh and to top it all fucking off, here come zayn 'oh your sisters pretty' 'oh your sister seems really nice' oh your sister this, oh your sister that, oh if you only knew my fucking sister!" He snaps again as the elevator doors fully open revealing a grandma and a small child.
Ianns face drops as the grandma stares at us like she just seen a ghost. The grandma had her hair in a short bob, grey and white mixed with a slight tint of brown. She had glasses on, and was wearing a 'worlds best grandma' sweater on.
She quickly covered her what I'm guessing grandson's ear, "you children these days are so unbelievable. I will be making an complaint to the front desk." She scoffs before quickly walking out.
Well, we're already leave so.
Me and iann stand there frozen, still shocked. What snaps us out of the frozen trance was a door slamming shut, "i am so glad that my grandma is dead." Iann says in a montone, yet his look was still shocked.
"That's fucked up." I say, he does nothing but shrug before walking into the elevator. I close my mouth from the hanging position it was in before walking in as well.
As soon as i get in, iann pushes the ground floor button. Within seconds the elevator doors close and i felt that slight jerk signaling we're going down.
"I hate grandmas that look like they've never seen a human cuss before." Iann mumbles before tilting his head back and resting it on the elevator wall with his eyes closed.
"Iann, those are literally most grandma's." I say.
"No, your grandma was cool." He mumbles once more.
Im starting to think he's a little bit more than tired and more on the utterly exhausted side. "Iann, my grandma has disowned my father. You've never met her, and i never met her." I say making his eyes snap open.
"No, I remember I've met your grandma before." Hd says sounding very certain, and i just look at him before a smiling quirks up on my face.
"You are on some very good shit, and i want some." I say, he rolls his eyes in response before pushing himself off of the wall.
The elevator begins it's dinging before the doors slide open. Iann walks out before me, guiding the way. I'm guessing they actually told him where the tour buses were, but then again I already seen them in the front of the hotel.
We make our way past the many people, and the closer we get to the door the more visible eric walking up to the hotel was.
He beat us to opening the door, "thank god some of you are on schedule." He mutters before walking into the hotel leaving both me and iann outside the door.
Me and iann look at each other, not saying a word. "Man loves his schedule." Iann breaths before shaking his head and we walk off.
"I'm going on your bus, I can't look at niall after the thing's i heard last night." Iann says in almost a whisper as we get to the bus.
My bus was dead center in the middle, so it was just a straight shot. I wasn't going to say no so i just shrug, he instantly makes his way up the three stairs and i follow.
We walk through the narrow walkway, he already pressed the button to open the lounge area. The door slides open quickly and iann sped walk over to the large leather couch, calpsing onto it.
"This couch is so comfortable." He mumbles into the couch before turning around, his face no longer smushed into it. He layed down with his eyes gluded onto the ceiling.
I chuckle before sitting down, putting my bag down next to me along with the notepad and my phone on the glass table.
I tilt my head back, resting it on the top. I look at the roof, having nothing but an empty mind and the ringing silence fill my ears.
My head is normal never silent, but i think the reason its so silent is because i have nothing to stress about.
Other than this tour being utter hell.
And iann having very interesting moments, such as him saying he's glad his grandmas dead, his lost cigarettes, him stubbing his toe, and he has me thinking what the hell was going on in nialls room for him not wanting to face him.
So far my out look on them is that, niall is definitely a frat boy, liam looks like he his bestfriend, louis isn't talkative or he just doesn't like me, zayn is a flirt, and harry seems to hate me.
But since I really don't have to see them other than the mandatory concerts— I still don't understand why it's mandatory. And the only other time I'll see them is whenever it's time to go to the studio, but other than that I'm staying away.
I really don't like people.
"Oh my fucking god, my nose is bleeding again." Iann huffs, making me lift my head slightly and my eyes look over to him to see his quickly getting up from the couch with his head tilted back and his hand covering his nose.
He made his was behind the couch, speed walking to the two black doors. I roll my head back where it first was, and my eyes stare back up.
"They can't label the fucking doors? Stupid fucking doors look the same." Iann cusses loudly before i hear another door swing open.
I burst into laughter as soon as i hear him aggressively shut the door. I have no clue why he so mad this morning, but it is the funniest fucking thing ever.
As his words reply in my head i snort laughter, just from the way the day started i had a feeling it was going to be a good day.
But my laughing stops when i hear the door to the lounge area slide open, making my straighten out my head and look to see the guys.
This is what i get for speaking too soon.
"Where's iann?" Niall was the first one in, he was the reason i seem them all because their all piled up behind him.
"Bathroom, bloody nose." I explain briefly, niall nods not saying anything before making his way to the bathroom.
The rest of the guys wall in, I don't visibly show my confusion but i was very confused.
Then they began to sit down around me, my eyes begin to flicker around all the guys. Harry of course sits as far as he can away from me, then liam. Louis sits on my side that didn't have the bag next to me, giving room for both iann and niall. Then zayn sits next to me on the side that did have my bag on it, so it gave us a little distance.
I stay silent, just genuinely feeling out of place. Maybe if i pay them no attention, they won't try to talk to me. Or better yet they'll leave.
But my hopes go out the window, because as soon as i think they might just be here to get iann i feel the bus jerk and pull off.
Great.
I hear the bathroom door open, making my eyes look over to it. I see iann walking out holding toilet paper to his nose, with niall behind him.
"I hate bloody noses." Iann mutters, looking directly at me.
"Stop doing coke then." Niall says under his breath making my face automatically grow into a certain look, my eyesbrows furrowed my lips parted, my eyes were glued to iann.
"He's joking ena." Iann deadpans quickly, his gaze sending daggers to niall.
I stare at them both, not sure what to think or say. Do I believe iann? Yes. But was it weird that niall just said that out of nowhere, and the content fit fairly well? Yes also.
"Look, ima go lay in your room. My head is still pounding, I'll see you guys when we have to stop or whatever." He mumbles, not even giving another look before walking away.
I watch him as he walks to the sliding door, pressing the button before the door slides open. Within a few seconds the door to the bedroom slides open, and the one to the room where we were in slid closed so i no longer had a view of iann.
Great and now I'm stuck alone with them.
I look down to my phone, leaning over to grab it from the notepad. I look down at it and it unlocks, i cross my free arm that wasn't holding my phone over my stomach as i slouched slightly.
I immediately go to my messages and click emmas name, i wanted to text her, i had a feeling she wouldn't be up but then again she's full of surprises.
Me: emma help me
I stare at my phone for a few moments, but as soon as I'm ready to cross out of the app i seen she read it.
Em: well that's not a good thing to hear in the morning, what happened babes?
Me: iann left me alone with the band
Em: and your mad? Hello you could have a 6some!
Me: ok 1, I'm not getting a train ran on me by them, and 2 yes im mad
Em: babes i know that harry doesn't like you or whatever, but the other ones are fair game
Me: em i love you so much but I don't want dick at 6 in the morning
Em: and that's weird, good dick is good dick
I left out a sigh, not meaning for it to be as loud as it was. At that point i wanted to slam my head In because I didn't want them to think i wanted them to talk.
"So athena." I hear niall speak.
Yeah, at this point just fuck me.
My eyes look up from my phone screen to see niall looking at me, i give him the simple 'what's up' nod.
"How was your sleep last night?" He asks, his question making me quite surprised.
I bring my phone down, looking at him "i didn't." I answer shortly.
"Well why was that?" He asks, for some reason it was just setting off bells in my head for no reason. They were innocent questions, but for some reason my brain was getting defensive over it.
"Just didn't." I shrug, i had a reason for staying up but it wasn't something i wanted to express.
"How are you feeling about being part of recidivist so far, princess?" I hear zayns voice speak, making me look over to him.
A faint slime quirks up on my lips, it was a nervous smile if I'm being honest. Have you ever got yourself worked up for no reason? Like it was just something that wasn't sitting right with me.
"It seems cool so far." I say, zayns eyes flicker to my lips then back up to my eyes before a slight smiles rises up on his lips.
Definitely a flirt.
"That's good, so tell us about yourself princess. We are going to be working with you, so we might as well get to know you a little." He says as i look away.
"Yeah, let us know what little athena is about." These words were from harry, only his tone seemed irritated.
This made my eyes look up to him, along with niall turning his head to him. I only seen niall because he was in my sides eyes view.
"Don't be such a dick mate, let us get to know her." Niall says making harry send him a glare.
I fall silent, not wanting to let them get to know me. I'd much rather stay to myself, I'm not an open person.
"Actually, I'm going to go check on iann." I speak shortly.
"No no, let's get to know how interesting how you are athena." Harry says, is tone laced with underline irritation.
"Stop being a dick." Zayn says, his eyes flickering to harry.
"I'm not, I want to hear what shes all about." He says keeping his same tone, he clearly didn't want to hear anything about me and i just find myself leaning my head back onto the seat.
Really don't like him.
"Your always a dick, and right now your being one for no reason." Zayn mutters.
"It's my personality." Harry says as he leans back in his seat, keeping that same tense body language he always has.
"I see." I find myself mumbling, getting really tired of him already.
"Oh look, she finally speaks." He says in a face surprised tone, making my jaw clench slightly.
"Mhm." I hum, unclenching my jaw trying to keep a monotone expression.
"Here we go with the 'mhm' god your annoying." He mutters, this is what made my head snap up.
I start fighting the urge to be an utter bitch because in all reality i had no real reason to. He didn't say anything disrespectful, he did call me out my name, he didn't threaten me, he did nothing but make snarky comments.
"Ok." I deadpan, keeping my face in that same monotone expression. This clearly made him feel some type of way because his jaw went sharp, his eyes sent me daggers as well.
I wasn't sure if he was trying to get a rise out of me, or if he really just wanted to make me flip out on him. Either or, I wouldn't give him that type of power since it's clear that's what he wants.
"Mind him, anyways 21 questions?" Zayn asks, making my head turn over to him. I open my mouth but before i could speak, "What are you five?" Niall asks in an insult.
"Shut up niall, i like getting to know people not fucking that anything that walks." Zayn insults back, it was clear that they were both joking but i knew niall found this fun when a small smirk rose up on his face while he looked at zayn.
"Ok well now i wanna play." Niall says before looking over to me. I keep my mouth closed, not sure if I wanted to say anything or just get up and leave.
Good god.
"So are you single?" Zayn asked, i find myself pausing because was i single?
"Define single." I say, looking at him and maintaining the eye contact he started with me.
"Not in a relationship." He elaborates, not backing down from the eye contact he clearly liked to have.
"Yes." I answer as a slight smile quirks up on my lips. I wasn't smiling because I thought he was going to ask me out or anything, i was smiling because he broke the eye contact as soon as i said that.
"Good to know." He smirks before looking over to niall. I find myself looking over to niall as well, who was clearly fighting back zayns same expression.
"Zayn if you don't stop flirting." Niall says, the smirk finally popping up on his lips.
Mm, suspicious.
"Shut up." Zayn rolls his eyes.
"Do you find me attractive?" Niall quickly speaks, looking at me clearly waiting for my answer.
Clearly he cannot be around a female without wanting to know if there was any attraction towards him. But then again, he is attractive but i know if i say it he's gonna let it get to his head.
"And I'm flirting niall?" Zayn laughs.
Niall rolls his eyes, "Shut up, i always do. So tell me, do you?" He says looking at me before crossing his arms and leaning back.
"Mhm." I hum, looking at him.
He smirks, "well with that being said." He says before he scoots himself closer. I let out a breathy chuckle before shaking my head, i cross my arms once more.
"Niall scoot back to where you were, I'm sitting right here and I'm not getting smushed between you." Louis says, putting his hand out and pushing niall away.
Niall looks at louis as if he just ruined his chances of having a once in a lifetime opportunity before scooting closer. "Move then." Niall says as louis pushes him back once more, with alot more force this time.
"No." He deadpans, standing his ground as niall opens his mouth to say something but harry beats him to it.
"Stop arguing about who sits next to her, you guys act like she's a fucking prize." Harry snaps, looking at me the whole time he spoke clearly trying to make it more known that he wanted to hurt my feelings.
This just makes a smile rise on my face,"I am, babe." I say in a cocky tone, nodding my head as i spoke with that same grin.
Niall snaps his finger and points at me, turning his head to look at harry. "I like her." He says, making harry scoff as a response.
"You guys are the only one." He mutters, sending me a glare of daggers before looking next to me at zayn.
"Because your a dick." Zayn says before poking the inside of his cheek with his tongue.
Harry nods, shifting his glace over to me. He had no emotion, just the definition of monotone come to life. "I know and with that being said, princess the only reason they want to get to know you is to fuck you. They care about nothing else but that. And i can tell that's not what your looking for." He speaks as if he knew me more than i did, he showed no decency what so ever.
Mm, it's good to know I'm looking for something.
"And what am I looking for?" I say in amusement.
"You know what your looking for." He shrugs, keeping that same monotone expression as if he didn't have interest in this conversation.
I blankly stare at him, I'll stare at anyone if i have to do a double take on something they said. "Right." Is all i say in response, I wasn't going to get defensive or say if he's implying i want a relationship, I don't.
I don't want a relationship quite frankly, but it's really nobody's business.
"Mm." He hums, no longer looking at me anymore but rather looking down.
You know how they say someones silence is deadly? Well i think, it's when someone it quiet and calm. It confuses me when he snaps then goes to either being quiet or keeping things in a monotone as if he lost interest.
"He's lying don't pay him any mind." Zayn speaks making me look over to him. He had this look I couldn't quite decipher, yet the look was really familiar. His face was soft, it looked as if what harry said was the truth and he just called out. Or he was hurt that harry said that.
"Yeah i got you, but I'm going to go check on iann." I say before standing up. It wasn't that i was standing up because i was hurt that zayn thought that way or niall thought that way or whatever the fuck, but i just genuinely wanted to check on iann.
He just nods as i make my way around him, walking over to the door. I press the button for it, and the door slides open. I take maybe two steps forward before pressing the button for the bedroom door.
Within a few seconds it opens and before i walk in i flip the light switch on, iann was laying down in bed looking peaceful but as soon as he realized the light was on his head shifts so his line of vision was being blocked by the blanket.
"Ena, turn the light off damnit." He mumbles in a raspier tone, his tired eyes looking down at me. He had the blanket over his head as if he was a teletubby— wait fuck that I'm saying a baby wrapped like a burrito. Teletubbies are creepy.
"You still feel like shit?" I ask as I listen and turn the light off. The tv was still on, so this gave me some sense of direction due to the dim lighting.
He shakes his head before bringing his hands up and rubbing his eyes, "no just tired." He mumbles before yawning.
"Honestly same." I say under my breath before falling backwards onto the bed with my arms wide as if i just decided to free fall off a building.
"You have a fun time with harry walking and shit last night? Or whatever the fuck they were saying, I didn't pay attention." He says, he sounded like he had no clue where what he was saying was going.
"No." I say honestly before i yawn. I bring my hand up to my mouth, covering it out of habit before letting it fall back down to the way it was.
"He's a dick, just give him time." Iann mumble onces more before he sits up, his legs slide up slightly from under my arm as my eyes look up at him to see him staring at me with his looking like they're fighting to stay open.
But then a big question popped into mind, and it was a question that i was genuinely curious and unsure about. Iann asks like he knows harry enough, so I might as well say screw it and ask it since I didn't ask it the day i heard about it all.
"Hermano, how do you even know recidivist? Like how did you get into this band without ever saying anything about it?" I ask, gripping ahold of the edge of the bed as i lift myself up so im now sitting down regularly yet my heads turned back to look at him.
He stares at me, his eyes flickering around my face before he looks down at the blanket. "If we're being honest I've been hiding this for like three months, their old guitarist got charged with assault with a deadly weapon. It just was something i never shared I don't know." He explains in a tone I couldn't decipher, it was a quieter tone and he wasn't looking at me when he spoke he just stared down at the blanket.
"Yeah but I don't think their based out here, so how did you meet them and how have they been down in oakland without any buzz around it?" I ask again, being genuinely curious with the topic.
He shrugs, "ena you never listened to them. They're not based out here but i guess it was just an opportunity that fell into my lap. So i took it, i would be stupid if I didn't." He says, his eyes finally looking up at me.
He looked different though, his voice sounded more breathy, his eyes drooped more and he still looked tired, his face had some rosacea on his cheeks and nose, and he looked paler than usual.
"Are you ok iann? You look sick." I find myself asking being concerned.
"Yeah I'm fine, just um feel hot that's all." He mumbles before looking away from me, he pulled the blanket off his body trying to get away from the heat that was causing him to look as if he's seen a ghost.
I don't believe him.
I stare at him a little bit, i know somethings going on and he's not telling but I'm not going to force him into telling me. He'll come around when he's ready, he always does.
I put a small smile on and nod, "alright i can put the fan on if you want." I say.
He shakes his head, "no. Since your in here with me, i might as well go out there with you this time. Im sorry for leaving you out there with them, i just wasn't feeling it." He apologizes before standing up and tucking his hands into his sweat pockets.
I shake my head as well before standing up, "don't apologize. You never have to stay somewhere with me if your not feeling it. I always tell you that, don't worry about me i can handle myself." I say as he walks a little bit to stand next to me.
"I know but still, I dragged you along on this tour. I should stay out there with you." He says, i roll my eyes before slinging my arm over his shoulder.
"Hey brother and sister forever right? You never have to worry about dragging me along on something and staying with me, I'm grown I can handle it. You deserve to say no if your aren't feeling something, don't ever think im an exception for that." I say as i turn my head to look at him.
He gives me a smile, "y'know im still trying to figure out how I landed a sister like you."
I shrug with a closed mouth smile, "guess your just blessed."
☦︎ ☦︎ ☦︎
Enas confidence 10/10
Till next time