TW/CW: Biphobia
Welp. The moment has arrived. Sorry everyone!
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It started off ok, the phone call to end all phone calls. Things between them had been strained for weeks. Months... if Casey was being realistic about the situation. The time difference wasn't even that great but it had proved brutal when their communication was already so frayed to begin with. It seemed like they were always missing each other. They'd make a plan to talk and then it would fall through because Izzie fell asleep, or Casey had to work a lunch shift, or Izzie had an emergency, or Casey had an impromptu meeting with their coach. As time had gone on these missed calls had started to feel personal and even intentional... even though Casey knew they weren't. She just wished Izzie appreciated all the times she had passed up a chance to do something really fun with her friends or pick up an extra shift at the restaurant so she could talk to Izzie instead. The creeping feeling of rejection that had been eating at her for months was only made worse every time Izzie missed a call or didn't respond to a text asking to reschedule. Finally, Casey had asked Izzie to talk; a video call, on the computer. Not the phone and not Facetime. She felt like if they could just see each other's faces clearly, with no distractions, maybe they could work this out. Because it was becoming more and more clear they couldn't last much longer like this.
Casey had never really recovered from Izzie not telling her she wasn't coming back for the summer until the last possible second. She had tried to let it go, and even understood, in some small, abstract part of her mind, but she just couldn't get past the seeming reiteration that Izzie didn't trust her enough to share the really difficult and personal parts of her life with. Not anymore. Or maybe it was just that she didn't respect Casey enough? She wasn't sure. Casey longed for the days when they told each other everything. When she was the first to know. When Izzie would run up to her locker to breathlessly confide in her or when they would talk to each other on the phone, late into the night, not wanting to hang up. Now it felt like whenever they did talk Izzie was counting down the seconds until it was over. To her credit, Izzie had tried to talk to Casey about what happened at the airport, shortly after Casey's solo return to LA. But Casey had been so angry and hurt then. She had shut the conversation down immediately. Maybe if she'd just let Izzie talk to her then they wouldn't be where they were now.
As the weeks drug on Casey had become less open about her life too. She could see the pain and envy on Izzie's face when she talked about their team or Casey's job or going to parties and the beach on the weekends with friends. She would smile, halfheartedly, and ask a few follow up questions, then become quiet. It just felt easier to not mention that new friend she'd made or the concert she went to or the funny thing that happened at practice. And if Izzie wasn't sharing anything with her, why should she share anything with Izzie? But now Izzie would be coming back in a couple weeks and they still hadn't even talked about the most basic details of that. Like how Izzie was feeling about it or what it would be like. Or even what day she was flying in. And while, at first, Casey had assumed that Izzie's return would make everything better, things felt so fragile now that she wondered if it might actually make things worse. They needed to talk. Now.
She'd texted Izzie, Hey, Can we talk soon? On the computer. Like with no distractions. I miss you and I want to see your face.
And Izzie had responded, Yeah, I need to talk to you too. Tomorrow? 9PM my time?
When Casey saw Izzie's face pop up on the screen she was relieved. Something about seeing her familiar, beautiful face and her familiar bedroom in the background made everything feel less risky. How many times had they studied or made love or slept in that room together? It made her smile just to think about it. Casey looked around her quiet dorm room. She'd put her phone on privacy mode and even locked the door and put a handmade "do not disturb" sign on it, just to be sure there would be no distractions. When Izzie's head and shoulders popped up on her computer screen Casey realized it had been ages since she'd seen Izzie as something other than as a very small blur of distracted action on her phone as Izzie FaceTimed with her while she drove her siblings somewhere or made dinner or stood on a crowded bus with her headphones in. She'd even stopped posting on social media.
Now, looking into Izzie's eyes, Casey thought she saw some recognition of the meaningfulness of this focused connection there too. She also saw a trepidation that made her uneasy. Izzie bit her lip and twisted her fingers as they greeted each other with shy hellos and cautious smiles. Casey asked about Gabby and the other kids, and Izzie's day, like she always did. And Izzie gave vague answers with an exhausted, defeated expression, like she always did. Izzie asked Casey about their friends and her job, and track, like she always did and Casey answered with emotionally neutral answers like she always did.
After a few minutes the conversation slowed and Casey took a deep breath, swallowed her fear and said, "Hey, I really miss you. I love you so much and... I wanted to talk to you because I feel like... I feel like things are not ok between us. And I want to fix it but I don't know how."
Izzie had listened with a grave expression on her face. She took a deep breath.
"I know," she said, voice low and tired, looking at her hands, "I love you too. And... I don't know how to fix it either."
Then there was a long silence before Casey said, "I'm just... really not happy."
Izzie's eyes snapped up.
"And I don't think you are either," Casey continued. "And I'm worried about where we're headed if we don't figure this out before you get back."
Izzie had frozen for a moment, a deer in the headlights. Then she looked away.
"Well of course I'm not happy Casey. I mean, you may have noticed: my life sucks."
Casey tried not to take it personally, even though she could feel the adrenaline starting to surge through her body. She took a deep breath.
"I know it does," Casey said, "I know. I just feel like you're shutting me out."
Izzie took a deep breath. Tears welled up in her eyes. She looked down. She looked away. Like she was trying to work up the courage to say something. She shrugged hopelessly.
"What's wrong?" Casey asked, softly, sadly.
"I'm not coming back," she said, voice cracking.
Casey stared at her.
"What do you mean you're not coming back?"
Izzie closed her eyes. Took a deep breath.
"I'm dropping out."
Casey's heart was truly racing now, she felt hot and cold and like she couldn't breathe. She fumbled for words.
"I... but... Why? You worked so hard to get in."
"I don't have the money. I don't have the time..."
Izzie's voice was jaded, defeated, resigned.
"I can't go into that much debt. I can't be that far away from my family... Pick a reason. There are a ton."
She gazed through the screen at Casey, her face almost blank. Casey felt something like panic rising up in her. And hurt. And rage.
"Well...But the semester starts in two weeks. What about college... what about track?"
Casey wanted to say What about me? But she didn't.
"I'll probably go to community college," Izzie replied, voice emotionless. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner-"
"Yeah- wait..." Casey said, trying to clear her head. "How long have you known?"
Izzie shrugged. She looked exhausted.
"I don't know Casey," she sighed.
"Is this... is this another one of those things where you're just... keeping everything a secret from me?"
Izzie's forehead furrowed.
"How long have you been planning this?" Casey continued, becoming more alarmed by the second. "I mean, Is that why you wanted to stay in the dorms another semester, instead of getting an apartment? Because you knew-"
"I haven't been planning anything, Casey," Izzie interrupted, voice rising defensively, "I'm just trying to survive here."
"Yeah but... you were thinking about it and you didn't tell me," Casey said, bitterly.
Her heart was hammering and her throat felt tight. Izzie opened her mouth to speak and Casey cut her off.
"You know your decisions aren't just about you and your family right? They affect me too."
Izzie recoiled.
"Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you Casey," she said, voice hard, refusing to look directly at her.
Then she stopped, took a quick, impatient breath.
"Look," she tried again, "I know this feels sudden. It was a last minute decision-"
"No, that's bullshit," Casey said, her eyes swimming. "I know you. You definitely gave them enough notice to not lose your deposit and you would never have waited until the last minute to buy a plane ticket. So you must have known... what, at least a month ago?"
And for a moment Izzie looked surprised, regretful even, but then hurt and anger clouded her face and she said, "Wow, all you can think about is how this affects you huh? Classic."
"Wow, thinking you can't trust me with the biggest decision you've made in years!"
"Why are you even with me then Casey? Huh? If I'm so awful."
Casey responded before she even knew what she was saying, "Sometimes I honestly don't know."
A tear slipped down her face. Izzie looked like she'd been slapped. Casey watched the wall go up behind Izzie's eyes. She instantly wanted to take it back but she was so angry and hurt. Tears were streaming down her face. Izzie sniffled and just stared at her for a moment.
She said, "Well, you're certainly not obligated to be in this relationship Casey. Like... let's just break up."
Casey's heart felt like a roiling mess of hurt and anger and panic. Angrily she flicked a tear away.
"Wow, ok," she said bitterly. "Breaking up with me again. This is becoming, like, your go-to move."
Izzie shook her head with bitter irony. Her dark eyes looked wet.
"You know, maybe I'm mean or... inconsiderate sometimes," she said, voice shaking, "...because my life is really fucking stressful... and sad... which is something I know you have no concept of-"
"Are you serious right now?" Casey almost squeaked, "You think I have no stress in my life? And how many times have I been there for you when you're dealing with stuff?"
"Oh my god," Izzie laughed, bitter and sharp.
"You know what-" Casey continued, "I know I don't totally understand what you're going through... Actually I have no idea what you're going through because you literally tell me nothing! Like you've totally stopped communicating with me about anything beyond tv shows and what you had for dinner. So you tell me who doesn't want to be in this relationship."
Izzie stared at her hands for a long moment. Shook her head as if in disbelief.
"God... did it ever occur to you that maybe when I talk to you I need, like, a break from my shitty life?" she said quietly.
Regret began to creep into Casey's overwhelming feelings of anger and hurt, sucking away some of their power. She wanted to say Wait. I hadn't thought of it that way. But her heart was still hammering and the adrenaline in her body was buzzing and it was really hard to shift gears when she'd just found out Izzie wasn't coming back.
Izzie laughed humorlessly, and quietly said, "You know I may be a mess... but at least I know who I am."
Casey felt sick.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
Izzie was looking right at her now, furious.
"Ok, I'm sorry I don't have time to take you by the hand and gently walk you through all my trauma Casey."
Her eyes were blazing.
"...because I don't have time to deal with it myself... because I'm basically raising three children at the age of 19... well four, counting you-"
Casey felt like she'd been punched in the gut.
"What?! Holy shit. You think I'm a child?"
"...but at least I know I'm queer," Izzie interrupted, "and I'm not just wasting someone's time experimenting until some blonde haired, blue eyed guy comes along and sweeps me off my feet."
Casey stared at her, outrage welling up inside her.
"Jesus Izzie I am so sick of you holding Evan against me when I broke up with him three years ago FOR YOU. You dated a guy too!"
"It's not the same and it's not just Evan."
"Oh my god, right- because I have guy friends and dated a guy once that means I'm not really queer. Because I'm Bi I'm destined to cheat on you."
"You said it, not me."
"Wow. Fuck you."
Izzie grimaced.
"Right. Fuck you too," she said, voice shaking with emotion. "Go date a guy, Casey. Don't call me again,"
Then she slammed her laptop closed, ending the call.