Oooooooh this chapter is kind of short but I think you'll really like it :) *cackles because I know something you don't right now* anyways, Enjoy Xx (Song it called emmylou by Vance joy) (Picture is Aislin's dress)
I was shaken awake by Astrid around 8:00am. I glared at her, my head throbbing. The worst part about getting drunk every day were the hangovers that followed.
"I'm sorry my Lady, but the queen ordered that you attend breakfast this morning." She explained. She hurried into the bathroom and I heard the water being turned on in the shower. "Do you have a preference for what dress you wear?" She called from inside my closet. When I didn't respond she poked her head out. "Well?" I shook my head.
Several minutes later she returned with an ivory dress with what looked like it had little vines made of crystals. I threw the covers over my head and curled in ball. I felt Astrid's presence next to the bed.
"Oh, c'mon Lady Aislin, don't be like that!"She chuckled and pulled the covers away from me. The cold air sent chills down my spine. She pulled me out of bed and handed me the dress. I stared at the clothing in my arms. I can't get dressed on my own. My eyes flickered from her to the dress and back. I raised my eyebrows, as if asking for help. She just kept her hands clasped in front of her and kept that stupid grin on her face. I sighed and unzipped the dress.
I trembled as I stepped into the dress, my knees giving way twice. I had to grip the bedposts to keep myself standing. It took about thirty minutes but I finally managed to squeeze myself into the corset. I sat down on the small bench in front of my vanity and waited for Astrid to begin doing my makeup and hair. She stood there and stared at me as I watched her in the mirror.
"Oh!" She finally exclaimed. I furrowed my eyebrows into confusion as she entered my closet. She returned with a pair of heels that matched the color of my dress. I rolled my eyes in annoyance and started to brush makeup onto my own cheeks, although it wasn't nearly as professional as Fay's makeup skills. The scars on my cheeks were still pink and prominent. Even though they were scars, they always bled when I had nightmares. Like they were enchanted or something.
I couldn't do anything with my hair, so I just left it down. It fell in dark ringlets around my shoulders. I pulled on my heels and then followed Astrid down the hall. She didn't take my arm like Fay usually did so I had to grip the wall to keep myself steady. I officially hate heels.
I wobbled into the dining hall, the guests were already eating.
I slipped into the chair next to Loki. He tensed up next to me. My stomach swooped and I wanted to reach out and grasp his hand. My fingers twitched and I thought I might throw up.
"Aislin?" Someone called and waved a hand in front of my face. My eyes snapped up from my lap. Fandral was chuckling and elbowing Thor in the ribs. He was obviously talking about me but Thor did not seem amused. I rarely saw Thor this serious.
"Aislin, how are you?" He whispered in a concerned tone and grasped my hand across the table. I gave him a small shrug and dipped my head, my eyes closing lazily. I stared at the food on my plate. My stomach churned and my head pounded. Loki was leaning back in his chair, his arms crossed. I shut my eyes gently, drowning out all of the sounds of the dining hall.
{}{}{}{}{}{}{}
"Aislin." Someone whispered, touching my arm gently. I flinched and my eyes shot open. "Aislin, it's time to go." Astrid shook my arm again. I looked around groggily. Astrid helped me from the chair and started down the hall. I wobbled after her, my feet aching from these God awful heels. I could barely keep up.
When I reached my bedchambers, Astrid was waiting outside.
"Do you need anything else my lady?" She asked casually with that stupid smile on her face.
I shook my head.
"Then I'll be on my way." She responded and spun on her heel. I stared at her in disbelief. Has she ever been someone's handmaiden before? Obviously not. I opened the door and quickly shut it behind me. I slid down the door until I was sitting and felt my eyes swim. I ran my fingers through my knotted hair. A scream escaped my lips. I can't do this anymore. I crawled across the floor and gripped the Hyalus, I slammed it on the floor and watched it shatter into pieces. My hands found their way to my pillows and I ripped them apart, sending feathers in all directions. They stuck to my tears. I slammed my fist against the floor and screamed again.
I grabbed books off of their shelves and shredded them. Book after book, until my fingers were bleeding and covered in wood chips from the spines of the books. I collapsed onto a heap on the floor, trembling. I pulled my knees to my chest and shivered, my dress now torn to shreds. I took long, shaky breaths, trying to calm myself.
Eventually, my tears dried along with the blood on my hands. They traced the patterns on my dress, the fabric burning my cuts.
There was a knock on the door. I ignored it, it was probably Astrid and she would enter soon. Several minutes passed and there was another knock, a more urgent knock. I groaned in pain and rolled onto my side so I was facing the door. More time passed and I finally thought they had left but then there was another knock. This time it was a desperate pounding on the door. I grunted and dragged myself off the ground. I felt like a ragdoll. I slowly made my way towards the door and unlatched the deadbolt.
I swung the door open and felt my breath hitch in my throat. My heart jumped in my chest.
"Aislin." He whispered. I stared at him, my heart stopping. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think straight. He entered into to room and shut the door behind him. I wanted to scream, I didn't know what to do.
It was all happening in slow motion, I felt like I was dreaming. Slowly he cupped my face in his cool hands and pressed his lips against mine. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. My lungs were burning. It was a long passionate kiss. A kiss that made my heart pound and my head hurt. His hands made their way to my hair and lower back. I didn't know how to respond, it all felt so surreal.
He pulled away and rested his forehead against mine. His hot breaths fanning over me.
"I'm so sorry." He whispered.
"Loki." I croaked, my voice cracking towards the end. My voice hoarse from not using it for several weeks. From being cooped up in my bedchamber for days on end. From tearing apart my vocal chords when I scream after random panic attacks or during violent outbursts or after nightmares. I felt tears stream down my cheeks.
"Loki." I said again as a sob escaped my lips. The tears traveled down my cheeks quickly. Happy tears were a strange concept to wrap my head around in this point of my life. Just happy tears in general.
cry
krī/
verb
gerund or present participle: crying
to shed tears, especially as an expression of distress.
synonyms: weep, shed tears, sob, wail, cry one's eyes out, bawl, howl, snivel, whimper, squall, mewl, bleat; More lament, grieve, mourn, keen; blubber, turn on the waterworks;
shout or scream, especially to express one's fear, pain, or grief.
synonyms: call, shout, exclaim, sing out, yell, shriek, scream, screech, bawl, bellow, roar, vociferate, squeal, yelp, holler; datedejaculate
Just the very concept of happy tears are an oxymoron in itself. To cry/ shed tears is a sign of immense sadness. But also a sign of immense happiness? Two emotions on opposite sides of the spectrum. But are they really?
He wrapped his arms around me and I wept into his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry." He apologized again. "I understand if you do not want to forgive me. If you would never want to see my face again." He stroked my hair and pressed kisses to my forehead. I sucked in air in between wails. I thought I was going to pass out from hyperventilating. He pulled away and wiped my tears away. I dove back into his arms again, I never wanted to leave them again.
"Do you forgive me?"
"Loki, you... Know I would forgive you in a heartbeat." I said in between sobs. I couldn't suppress the small smile that formed on my lips. The simple smirk that my muscles strained to form from being so emotionless for weeks on end. I heard him sigh a breath of relief.
"I love you so much Aislin." He breathed, I felt his happy tears land on top of my head. I inhaled his scent in which I missed so much.
"I l-love you too." I croaked. Suddenly he hooked his arm under my knees and swept me off the ground. I yelped and wrapped my arms around his neck. I froze.
You shouldn't be forgiving him this easily.
My subconscious warned, but my heart and body and mind refused to listen. I was drawn to Loki, the way eyes are drawn to beautiful things.
"God I missed you so much." He admitted and I rested my head on his shoulder. My eyes drooped. Maybe I would actually be able to sleep tonight. He kicked the door open with his foot and headed towards his bedchambers. I yawned. Although it was only noon, I'd probably be able to fall asleep now and sleep through the night. I felt like I hadn't slept in months.
Once we entered Loki's bedchambers I inhaled the scent. It was torn apart, exactly like mine was. Exactly like both of us were. A bunch of broken kids breaking their teeth on broken vodka bottles.
Splintered chairs littered the floor along with shards of glass. He set me down on the bed and entered the closet. He then returned with one of my favorite t-shirts of his and a pair of sweatpants that I forced him to buy in Midgard. He handed them to me and I stared at the clothing in my hands.
"Loki." I whispered and dropped my head from embarrassment.
"Yes, My Love?" He responded with a concerned expression on his face. My heart skipped a beat, I missed those words so much. Those simple words of his that made me feel like I was going to vomit, scream of joy, sob, and pass out all at the same time.
"I can not get dressed on my own." I admitted. How embarrassing it must be to admit to your lover that you can't even perform basic human tasks anymore.
"What do you mean?" He furrowed his brows together. I groaned and threw the clothes down in a frustrated fashion. It was childish. I know.
"I mean I can't do anything on my own anymore! I can barely stand up with my knees giving way! I can't even walk to the garden without passing out! I'm so weak!" I cried and held my head in my hands, trembling. It felt like my brain was rattling around inside my skull. Taunting me. Damn hangovers. Damn vodka. Damn broken hearts. Damn broken people. Damn broken society. Damn broken world.
"Shhh shhh, Aislin, here let me help." He cooed and unzipped my dress.
A few minutes later I was dressed in his sweatpants and t-shirt and I was curled up in his arms. My dress thrown across the room.
"Aislin, why did you start drinking?" He asked out of nowhere. I sniffled. Would you like me to list the reasons Loki. Hmmm where do I begin?
"It was the only thing I could do to keep you off my mind." I explained.
"What about the scars on your wrists?" He asked and gripped my arm. I flinched and wrenched my arms from his grip. His eyes widened, worry flashing across his green orbs "Are you frightened of me?"
I felt my eyes water. You don't need to know right now Loki. I don't want to trouble you with the tortures that haunted me in Jotunheim with Naddr. The suicidal thoughts that clung to my brain. The blood that stained my vision red. Not this second. Not now. Maybe not ever.
"I k-keep having these nightmares." I whispered, changing the subject. Still, this subject was very sensitive also. He pulled me onto his lap and held both of my hands in his.
"Aislin, you can tell me." He urged and stroked my hands. It felt so good to be in his arms again. It felt my worries were melting away. I thought I was going to melt away. I leaned against his chest and felt it rise and fall with every steady breath. Alive.
"I don't want to talk about it right now. I just want to be with you." I explained. Another time. I shouldn't have even brought it up. Why'd I even bring it up? He sighed. "I don't think you understand how much I need you." I felt my eyes water again. I was so happy right now. Nothing could replace this moment. I spun around so I was facing him. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
"I was struggling too." He whispered and nodded to the splintered chairs that littered the room.
"I liked that chair." I grumbled. I missed jokes.
"God I missed you." He chuckled and pressed his lips against mine. I felt my heart pound in my chest. Our lips melting into one. He pulled me closer. So close that I couldn't tell which body parts were his and which were mine. I wrapped my legs around his waist and wound my fingers in his hair.
Finally, I pulled away, gasping for air.
"I'm still terrified that I'm dreaming right now." I admitted.
"Aislin, I'm sorry." He muttered. I stared deeply into the green eyes that I missed so much. "For everything. I'm sorry I blamed you for losing the baby, and I'm sorry about kissing that girl at the ball." I felt my breath hitch in my throat. Tread carefully my dear, for you are opening old wounds. I didn't respond.
"I understand." I lied. My eyes fluttered once again. Exhaustion hitting me like a wrecking ball.
"You're tired aren't you?" Loki asked and cradled me in his arms. I nodded and he threw the covers back. I felt my heart hammer in my chest. No more nightmares. No more nightmares. I'm with Loki now. Oh god. I missed his arms around me at night.
I felt a lazy grin grow on my face. I snuggled under the covers and felt him wrap his arms around my waist. My stomach swooped. I nuzzled into his chest and inhaled his scent. His long fingers drew lazy circles on my skin leaving trails of fire wherever they wandered.
"Don't ever leave me again." I whispered.
"Don't ever let me leave again." He responded. He then flicked his wrist and the lights went out, submerging us into darkness. I gripped his arm, my stomach lurching. Maybe the nightmares would find a way into my head. "Aislin, it's alright, I'm here." He reassured me. I nodded and buried my head farther into his side. My eyes fluttering once more.