(Title Taken From: Fine by Taeyeon)
I'm crying to myself when I hear something from the other side of the door, where the world is still happening.
I hear three soft, rapid knocks.
The outside felt too loud, knocks on my door are a shame
No one should be bothering me right now.
I don't want anyone near me right now.
When I'm like this, I don't know, it's just... I lash out more than I should at them. I lose control.
"Zee," I hear from the other side of the door. "Zee, are you alright?"
"Piss off, Dinah!" I yell back.
"Love, it wasn't your fault, what happened to him. Understand that. What happened to him is not your fault."
I was a fool...
How could I believe that we were meant to be?
How could I?
You and I were one of a kind
But now I know it was all in my mind
I think back to the day after he left...
"John," I called.
"John," I called out again. "John, babe, this isn't funny. Where are-"
Then I stopped once I saw the note on his side of the bed.
No, I thought.
Not again, I thought.
He's real this time, he is real about us... he promised that he would stay with me this time, I thought.
Zee, Love of my Life-
Listen, I know you are going to be pissed as hell
that I did this to you again, but, listen here. This is
better for both of us. You won't get hurt. It's better
this way. Please, Love, don't be mad. I just want the
best for you. It's not you, it's me. I'm five steps away
from death, and I don't want you with me when that
happens. Please, don't be mad. If the world is about
to end, I will be there, fighting by your side. But, if
not, and if this is the last time I ever see you, just
know that I fucking love you. I love you to the end of
the world, and then some. If you hate me for the rest of
your and my life, then so be it. As long as you're safe, I
couldn't care what it takes to get you safe. Please don't
look for me, it's useless. I know how to evade every
locator spell there is in existence, and even some that
haven't even been invented yet. Once you wake up, just
know that I did this for you, for us. It's better this way.
Love, John
After that, I cried.
How could you tear my heart in two?
Alone in a cold bed, not even bothering to tie my hair up or anything.
My hair tied up in a knot
I wake up from the mess you made
"Zee. Zee, I'm coming in," I hear, pulling me back to reality.
"Stay the fuck away before I hex you into the next dimension or knock you unconscious!" I yell through the door. "I'm here to damn help you, Zee! Open the door! I'm coming in whether you like it or not, and I will not hesitate to use my powers! I'm just as stubborn as you, Zatara!" Dinah yell back through the door.
She never calls me by my last name.
She's real.
"Fine. I don't need Bruce harping on my ass for my door breaking. Come in."
"Thank you."
Dinah steps in with a smile. "Took ya long enough. Now-"
Then she sees my face. "My God... what happened to you?"
Another person's weight in my bed... it reminded me of him.
We're miles and miles away, but he's still in my mind.
But no matter how fast or how far I go
Your shadow and your memories won't leave me
I'll run and run, and I'll run even more until I can't anymore, but I can't... I can't forget him. No matter what the hell I'll do, I can't escape him, escape his memory, his... everything.
So I run in vain
Can't escape you
"Are you okay, Zee?"
"I'm- yeah. I'm fine. Just fucking fine."
"No. It's not."
It's not fine
"You don't- don't understand. I've been through this enough to know what heartbreak feels like, and it doesn't hurt me anymore," I lie.
Will I be pretending I'm alright?
"You're lying," Dinah tells me. "How are you...?"
"I've known you since we were eleven, 'Zee the Freak'. I think I know when you're lying."
"Not helping, Di," I remind, teeth gritted, already starting to lose my temper.
She senses this.
"I'm sorry, hon. I'm just trying to help. I thought that you would at least be a little used to this, seeing as you and John break up quite often."
This almost pushes me off the edge.
"Dinah."
"Zatanna. I'm sorry, I know that you loved him, but, I think it's better now that you two broke up."
I started crying.
The next day, Dinah attempts to help me.
She ends up pushing me over the edge, and I set something on fire.
"Di, I'm so- so sorry... I'm so sorry, I didn't- didn't mean-"
"I'm trying to help you here. I don't have to do this. But I am. If you're going to kill me, deal with this damn thing on your own terms," she spits. "Come find me when you're ready."
Dinah walks out, and I almost start to cry.
Eventually, I stop.
I pull a scrap of paper from underneath the mattress on the side where John would've slept next to me. A small piece of paper that's the last thing I have of him. A small piece of paper with the words "Love, John" written on it.
I start to cry but then stop myself.
I need to get over this.
I ignite a flame in my palm and dangle the slip of paper above it as I let the pain slowly burn through my hand.
On a ripped piece of paper
I threw the last of my tears away
Next thing I know, it's been over two years since I've seen him, period.
That's a rare occurrence, seeing as how often people tend to want to end the world by means of a satanic cult.
Either that, or Bruce has a heart and respects my boundaries of not wanting to work with him.
I wonder what he's doing...
What happened to him after he left.
Is he dead?
Days turned to months, and the months turned to years
I wonder how different our lives will beWill you be fine?
It's been years, but I can't forget him.
No matter what the hell I do, he's always in the corner of my mind, my sight.
Every time I've tried to go and experience what happened with him again, to find love, all I think of when I find a person is what John would do, what John would say.
No matter what I do, I can't forget him, his face, everything about him.
Every memory that I've ever had of casting magic, it all includes him.
Every spell I cast, every second that I'm with the League, it pains me to an extent that no one else would understand.
Damn you, John Constantine.
Still you fill up my days
I can never forget your face
I've done a good job pretending.
Dinah thinks I've gotten over him.
It's when I'm alone, discovering new magic that everything comes back to me.
Every damn memory.
But I put a smile on, I put a face on, one that I hardly take off nowadays. Even when I'm working on the stage, all I can see is the empty seat front and center, where John would have been. I try to see if he's there, somewhere in the back of the audience, waiting to sweep me away to a random dive bar to get drunk and have a wonderful evening of mind-blowing orgasms after, but, he's not there.
I feel like crying, but I put on a smile for the people. Without it, I wouldn't survive. I would be eaten alive if I wasn't perfect or pretended at least.
They come rushing back
Painful memories we had
So I'm faking a smile
I fake the smile, fake the happiness. I pretend that the love of my life didn't leave me, I pretend like everything in my damn life is perfect.
Pretending everything's alright
I'm... changed.
Could I ever be the same again
People say it gets better after every day, people say that it improves.
It doesn't.
It's time I face it.
I pick my phone up, and I call the first contact on my phone, still labeled as the same exact thing I labeled him as when we first met. When we were seventeen, dumb, and drunk off of pleasure, adrenaline, alcohol, and magic alike, I call "Conman".
He picks up.
Damn, I'm surprised his phone didn't get destroyed.
"Zee," I hear immediately, and I almost cry at the sound of his voice.
It's been so long since I've heard it.
He's not dead.
"John..."
"Zee, what is this? We haven't talked, hell, seen each other in..."
"Four years. Since you up and left me in the middle of the night."
"Look, I told ya that it would be better for us."
"Seeing as-" I stop myself.
Then I get reminded of the bad memories we had.
Every heartbreak he's ever put me through.
Every near-death experience that we've ever went through.
Every single time that someone has told me that it was a horrible idea to be with him.
I can't recall the amount of times that I've pleaded him to not go through with a mission, the amount of times that I've pleaded with him to not leave me, to not die, not leave me.
Every tear I have shed for him.
It all comes to me, all at one time.
This is far too unhealthy.
I'm done.
It's time to break this damn cycle.
No going back now.
"Zee?"
I gather my pride
Set all these feelings aside
"John, this is... this is... I'm done."
I'm not scared anymore
Time to face it.
"Zee, wh-"
I'm letting you go
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what, Love?"
"Goodbye, John," I tell him as I hang the phone up.
I breath a sigh of relief.
Conman: Zee, what the bloody hell was that?
I look at the picture that John and I have together, and I smile at them one last time.
Looking back to 'us' just one last time
I deleted them.
I delete memories.
The memories of everything with him in it.
I'm not scared about showing myself anymore.
Not putting a mask on for the world anymore.
I'm not scared anymore
I pull the conversation up on my phone one last time.
One last goodbye
John, this was a mistake. I'm sorry.
I wish you the best.
I block the user, block the number.
Wherever you are, I hope you're doing fine