Remington POV
So much can happen in a week.
Too much.
One week ago I found my dad after he took his final breath.
Lissy flipped on the turn signal and hummed as she side-eyed me from the driver's seat of her car. I was anxious and she could tell just based on my thumping foot and fingers that could not stop fidgeting with everything in reach. She was able to easily flip the glove box closed without a problem each time I triggered it open while fussing with knobs and buttons on the console. My girlfriend was managing to keep me under control like a busy mom with toddlers that needed to make sure Sharpie didn't end up on her white couch.
This seemed like such an easy errand but I put it off too long. Now even the thought of stopping by the house filled me with anxiety. I had to rip off the band-aid before we could continue healing.
It was time to open his safe.
Yesterday was the funeral.
The pain still burned with every breath but I was finding room for joy every day. I knew that would be a constant struggle, so persisted in listening to those who went before me. Benji and Liss knew this path well, so their feedback and wisdom have been invaluable during this time. Rob did an amazing job with the small graveside memorial service held for those that knew Gregory Lowe. Plans were already made before Dad passed away but he allowed me to include a few words of my own. I never liked public speaking but with Lissy's help, I was able to say a little about what my Dad meant to me.
It's hard. Hard not to idealize. My Dad was not a perfect man so I have struggled to love the man who cared for me as a human was able but also lied and manipulated for years. He made mistakes and made amends. Balancing those aspects of who he was is difficult, especially now that I have the fruit of those lies as part of my daily life.
Benji.
My little brother was heartbroken but showed strength I never would have imagined through this process. Benji stayed at my side along with Alice every step of the way. No one questioned his loyalty and I never had to explain why he was there. It was merely understood that he was part of my life through Lissy, though the true nature of his connection to my family was much deeper. He decided to hold off on saying more to the general public since it felt safer this way as we grieved.
Physical therapy was rougher than expected this week and he was given the harsh news that it may be longer before the boot and cast come off. Benji was taking it hard so he chose to stay at the house relaxing with video games and Peach. We tried to keep every day relaxed so he had chances to heal but due to all the funeral meetings I've been involved with it was busier than usual the last few days. Benji took everything in stride but I could see the strain in his jaw and how sharply he responded when anyone asked him a question.
Liss suggested giving him some alone time for the morning so we could run errands but as soon as we were in the car her true motivation was clear. He jumped at the chance to have the house to himself, especially since there was a new Netflix series he was eager to check out. Benji insisted he was fine on his own and while I could tell Liss struggled with whether it was safe, she trusted him to be responsible.
It was time to go back to Dad's house. Benji was not ready. I wasn't, either, but I needed to be.
I need her now so this way she can focus all her energy on helping me deal with memories.
Realizing how much pressure this must lay on her shoulders made me feel guilty, especially considering how stressed she was consistently due to life at large. Alice was already raising a teenager alone while figuring out her new job and trying to establish herself in a new town. Her mind is a constant flurry of juggling everyone else's needs.
As we got in the car to run errands before going to the house, I resolved to try and do better. My head is still mired in grief but I need to try harder to help. Liss loved my Dad also. He brought her fresh memories of Clara, the woman she saw as a mother.
She made a humming noise and I noticed the way her neck stretched while she peeked around a corner before making a left turn, her chin jutting out while she watched the traffic. A sunbeam shone through the window and illuminated across her arm, almost like a spotlight. I focused on that spot, noticing more freckles that were showing now that Lissy had a darker tan from time in the sun.
Every day we grew closer, but not only physically. I had never lived with a woman before and assumed it would be like the movies. You wake up and see her snoring in drool like an adorable messy swamp witch or maybe she is cuddled against you like the angel who doesn't wash her face at night and needs to look perfect always.
With us... it's been a crapshoot. One morning I woke up thanks to a massive sneeze. The night before we visited Rob's house and met his black cat named Bob. Liss and Daisy made brownies and took those with ice cream to his place so we could do a game night to get to know him better. Jesse was already at the small house adjacent to the funeral home, helping set up drinks and some appetizers. We had a relaxing night ordering pizza and playing charades but also learned both Daisy and I are allergic to cats. Bob the Cat had the most piercing green eyes so I was fascinated staring at the gorgeous cat, but each time he got close I was overcome by itching and sneezing fits.
The next morning I was still feeling the effects. Lissy encouraged me to shower before I went to bed but I didn't listen and crashed instead.
She was right. I should have known better.
I could hear her laughing as I showered, snorting hot water into my sinuses in an attempt to flush any further cat dander out of my nasal cavity. By the time I was done in the bathroom she had the bed stripped and laundry started so we would have no further problems.
Lesson learned: wash everything after contact with cats. I learned a hard lesson, but knowing Liss can laugh about those situations was a relief. She could have gotten angry that I did not listen but instead just took things in stride.
Staring at her arm reminded of that visit as I noticed the faint mark of a cat scratch. "Does that still hurt?"
She laughed, shaking her head, "I forgot about it until you mentioned it! Bob was so cute but I did not expect you to be allergic."
"Same. At least now we know so I can take Benadryl or something." I chuckled, "Did Daisy have as bad of a reaction?"
Lissy pulled to a stop at a red light and sighed, settling back in the driver's seat as she turned to smile in my direction. "Nope. She was itchy and had tea with her breakfast but otherwise no problems."
"Good. So my reaction was the worst but that's okay. And I want to hang out with Rob again, I just need to get allergy meds first." I insisted, "He and Jesse are great as friends so whatever we can do to support them is worth it."
The light turned green and Liss did not reply, but her hand slid across the console and took mine as a smile danced on her lips. We drove downtown for bagels and coffee before heading to the house, thankful for the chance to spend some time together without any set plan or responsibilities. Now, all we have to do is pack a few clothes, maybe get some cleaning stuff together to save a few bucks on groceries, then meet Taylor and Becca for a late lunch.
Our days have been full of scheduled meetings with lawyers and doctors not to mention all the planning for Dad's funeral. Lissy has been my rock but I can tell she's exhausted. If nothing else I wanted to take time to just relax. This is our first real opportunity to rest, even though it will be in a home that I haven't returned to since...
"You ready?" her voice seemed distant, shaky even.
"No."
Lissy chuckled at my honesty, pulling into the driveway and pushing the garage door opener.
Dad's car was sitting in its spot just like it always did.
Atlanta Braves magnetic logo on the back while the right corner of the rear windshield sported a Football Hall of Fame sticker.
Her hand reached for mine and I was ready to weave our fingers together the instant we touched.
Alice's breath shook a moment as I tried to gather my thoughts. I was about to go into a place that held so many good memories along with so many bad. I didn't quite know how to put the pieces together into a puzzle that made sense.
The last time I was here... they took him away in the coroner's van.
"Remington?"
I turned in my seat toward Alice and noticed the way she studied me closely, brow furrowed as she looked at our clasped hands clinging to any glimmer of hope.
She continued, "This is going to be hard, but just remember I'm here. We can waste time chasing cars around our heads later today, okay?"
The way Liss quoted the Snow Patrol song "Chasing Cars" made me laugh, especially since it was a favorite for both of us. We laid in bed the evening after the funeral with soft music playing as it rained. There was no energy to move, but we listened. This song played and I felt Lissy curl into my body as she cried, the words echoing her truest hope.
All either of us wants to do is just lay here, with someone who will lie with us and just forget the world.
"Thank you for sticking around while I figure this out. For today all I want to do is just be there and get a few of my things then clear out the safe like Dad wanted me to. We can save more stuff for another day. Taylor has been bringing me mail every time we see him so I'm not worried about that." I smiled to reassure her and was relieved at the way she relaxed at my words, her posture slipping back into the seat as a sign she was now more comfortable with our surroundings.
I knew this was going to be hard, but that was okay. Nothing is easy about grief, and Alice is proof that you can grow strong enough to help others face their trials with more grace than they ever anticipated.
The car door swung open and I watched as she spun, her almost bare back now all I could see for a moment.
Thank God for backless rompers.
I never understood what rompers were before I met Alice Davidson.
Now? I'm a fan.
Lissy explained earlier she wanted to stick with open back today so she could lay out a bit when we had lunch with Becca and Taylor. She considered changing clothes but both of us were exhausted so wearing a comfy romper that would give her the chance to get better tan lines without more effort made sense. I usually didn't pay much attention to her explanations but since this one was about why she was barely wearing any clothes I was listening closely.
I was thankful for glimpses of her toned back, the lines of her spine and shoulders graceful in ways her clumsy nature could never comprehend. Lissy doesn't see how her muscles contract when she throws the frisbee, but I can. She can't understand the way I analyze her posture for ticks so I know when I've said the right thing to help her feel better. Maybe I'm only grasping at straws thanks to how terrible life feels now, but I'll take any positive I can get. This outfit is a major positive.
"Keys?" Liss reached toward me with her right hand and made a grabbing motion. I checked her out slowly and laughed as she rolled her eyes. The romper was pale lavender and consisted of shorts that were not exactly long, especially considering her legs. She was always modest but this was the raciest outfit she had worn in public. I gave myself an extra moment to enjoy the way she stood in front of me with one leg outstretched, tapping her foot impatiently, before I stepped out of the car and tossed her the keys.
"Thank you."
The small lift at the corners of her lips was reassuring.
There was a frozen moment as the door creaked open, light pouring in from the sliding door by Dad's dining room table illuminating Alice as she stepped through the threshold. I followed behind with our cold brew bottles and a paper bag containing bagel sandwiches, hoping I could keep some food down.
What is it she keeps telling me?
Eat the elephant a bite at a time.
Today I can start by eating this pastrami and fried egg with cheddar on a jalapeno asiago bagel with double meat and extra pickled jalapenos on the side.
Alice peeked over her shoulder and smirked, "You gonna bring me my food, or do I have to come take it from you, Lowe?" One finger pointed my direction as she goaded me forward, making herself at home as she kicked off her sandals at the entryway. I heard an echo of a thud as she must have dropped her purse on the table, keys clattering to the wood while Liss continued inside the house.
I had to chuckle at the way she teased and coaxed me into action. It was the best way to force my hand, especially at moments like this. Our relationship was stronger than I could have ever imagined after how difficult the week had been for me.
She stood by my side, every step of the way.
When she was weak, I was able to keep her steady. Those moments were few and far between, though. It felt far more like her presence was all I would need moving forward... but that brought even more fear to mind.
I stepped into the house and felt bombarded by memories.
His voice calling out, "Remington! Can you bring me some water?"
"Sure, just the salt, Remi..."
"I will never forget Reese..."
"Just another half cup of decaf, son..."
"One more minute!!"
"Son? Is that you?!"
Benji's laughter as we sorted baseball cards, boxes still strewn around the dining room and stacked around the house haphazardly for the next time he came by.
Dad's voice was rattling in my head from every direction until I was struggling to breathe when Benji's laugh rang through and a mental image of my brother limping through the kitchen with another piece of cold pepperoni pizza toward Dad caused my knees to buckle.
I braced myself against the wall as a small hand cupped my cheek and I sucked in air through my teeth. After a moment my face was trained down toward Alice while she stayed laser-focused on my breathing. "Remi, breathe with me... Just breathe... Right now you're overwhelmed but let's open some windows and just go sit on the patio, okay?"
I nodded and allowed her to lead me through the dining room and out the sliding glass door to the patio table, sitting as instructed in one of the uncomfortable chairs.
The cushions were left out during our recent storms so my ass got soaked through my basketball shorts. I felt the chill instantly and grimaced, "Ewww!" while Liss chuckled at my expression and the way I started to stand from the seat.
"Oops. Guess these were still on the chairs. Give me a sec..." She grinned, rushing back into the house after setting our coffees on the table. After a moment Liss was back with two fluffy towels to replace the soaked cushions I removed and set aside to dry in the sun. We used the towels as a fresh replacement seat once the table and chairs were a bit drier and I gingerly took another seat, this time rewarded with a dry place to relax in a warm summer breeze.
"Need hot sauce?" Liss called as she rushed back into the house for our food and napkins.
"Yes, please!" I hollered back, chuckling at the way she jogged and how her curls bounced in the mid-morning sun.
She was gorgeous.
I watched through the window as she bustled around the kitchen, grabbing bottles of water along with Sriracha, paper towels, and a knife. Lissy returned with a bright smile sparkling, "This is going to be so good!"
I was not only struck by the fact that she was a pretty woman, but by her heart. She truly cared. Even when she messed up, I knew she was trying to do what she thought was best. That meant more to me than anyone else who was selfishly attempting to get their own way.
We spread out the paper wrappers from our sandwiches and dug in, staring out toward the yard while attempting to manhandle our food. My date chose a much different combination, opting for a Caprese bagel sandwich made with a tomato basil bagel, soft scrambled eggs, and a balsamic reduction marinated tomatoes with fresh basil. Add some fresh mozzarella and I was drooling as I watched her eat. A slice of fresh cheese fell from her sandwich and I watched as she tried to maneuver her mouth to catch but failed, swiping her tongue along the side of her mouth to catch a dribble of balsamic and basil.
"Wanna bite?" Liss asked through a mouth full of bagel and toppings, basil stuck in her teeth as she grinned at me.
I chuckled but nodded, setting down my massive sandwich and sliding it toward her so we could trade. She grinned while licking her lips, eyeing my order like a predator eyes its prey, "See, really, I just wanted to try yours...."
The first bite was like an explosion of spring on my palette. Fresh flavors and bright aroma lit my senses more than the fatty richness of my choice.
"Babe... this is insane... wow...." Lissy moaned, sliding my sandwich back toward me, "But I think one bite is enough. D'you want more of mine? I don't think I can finish anyway. This is a lot..."
I grinned, nodding, and was excited to see Liss cut a portion of her sandwich then hand it over.
A piece of her brightness, just for me.
Prisms of my kaleidoscope's light, shining a rainbow of light onto my life for a moment.
She didn't need me to speak. I knew that she never expected more than I could offer. It was important for both of us to just meet one another where we were. These moments imprint us on one another more than any other.
I alternated bites between the sandwiches a moment before sighing, sipping the bottle of water she brought for me. We finished our cold brew quickly and she mentioned making more coffee but neither of us wanted more caffeine. My brain was so jumbled every single moment. It was difficult to find any peace, especially after the funeral yesterday. Caffeine is great when needed but can make anxiety worse so we've been trying to watch our intake to keep things more level.
Everything just felt heavy, so this was one way to lighten our loads.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Lissy asked, smirking toward me while leaning with one elbow on the table. Her pose was so casual and relaxed in spite of the tension we continued to feel constantly.
I stared at her, the sunlight shining around her hair like a halo while radiating off her bronzed skin. Lissy's tan was deeper after this last week. We spent as much time as possible outside with Peach so she started just wearing tank tops or swimsuits to keep her shoulders tan.
Shit.
She asked me something.
My thoughts.
I smiled, mind now back in the moment instead of all the reasons why this woman is everything to me. "I was just thinking your tan looks amazing thanks to all our time outside."
Alice's eyes widened and she choked a bit, coughing as she reached for her water. A pink flush crept on her cheeks slowly before she squeaked, "Oh? My... tan?"
Her reaction made me laugh, watching this poised and confident woman flounder under my watchful eye. I continued, "Right before that thought, I was thinking this pastrami sandwich would be perfect if they added the marinated tomatoes and used less of the meat."
Lissy's face shifted and she nodded, now tracking with my logic while staring at leftover bits of food still before us. "We could make pastrami, right? It's corned beef that you smoke with more seasonings... I'm sure Kenny could help us figure that out... Oh, and Rob mentioned the other night he has tons of amazing family recipes so he has to have a great one from his Nan for proper Irish corned beef and cabbage or something." Her eyes drifted toward the smoker that sat next to Dad's grill and I knew what she was insinuating.
I also knew she was right.
My hand instinctively rose to my heart, clutching my chest as the muscle ached.
"Yeah... that's a great idea!" I pushed past the pain, wiping tears from my eyes as I grabbed my phone and opened the text thread we had with our friend group and started a new message immediately.
GROUP CHAT: Hey everyone! Liss and I just had a brilliant idea but we need Kenny and Daisy and Rob's help. We want to make Pastrami but that takes perfect corned beef that then needs to be smoked. This will be a team effort but we can promise the end result will be worth all the time and energy. We also have two smokers between us so we can make plenty to share. Who is game? Do you have any great recipes for corned beef, Rob? If not, I know Liss and Daisy have talked about this so I'm sure they can source something decent. Let's discuss and we could always do a proper Irish meal and then make another batch of corned beef for the pastrami after that, too!
I heard Alice's phone buzz and watched as she smirked, swiping the screen before reading what I sent. Rob messaged back almost instantly saying he has a family recipe he would love to share, and could easily make the corned beef alongside Daisy and Alice if they'd like, so the girls jumped on that offer the second they were able. The thread was busy as we chattered about ideas, debating whether the flat or point cut of brisket was best.
We sat outside awhile longer, relaxing in the sunshine on a calm and quiet morning. Benji texted each of us individually so it was a relief to know he was having a good morning. He sent videos of Peach jumping for her frisbee and a photo of the pizza he ordered from Sebastian's. Seb delivered it personally and took some wings and other sides as well just as a treat for Benji. I felt a sense of pride that my little brother was able to place orders for a meal without any issue. He has so much strength, especially when you consider how much he has lost.
Then again, he had the best example.
Look at his sister.
She was leaning against the table now, almost entirely bareback now exposed to the sun now that her hair was freshly piled on top of her head. I watched her breath jostle the strings hanging from the halter tie fastening the romper behind her neck and considered running my hands along her sides, the tactile difference between her skin and the cotton blend fabric all my senses need to stay grounded.
Lissy giggled, rolling her eyes as she playfully tossed her phone onto the table. "Oh my god, Daisy and Rob are gone now."
"Another rabbit trail?" I asked, reaching across to brush a wayward hair from her cheek.
She smiled softly, leaning into my touch while nodding, "Yeah, Rob mentioned Irish soda bread so now Daisy is finding Youtube videos so she can learn how to make that properly. He promised he will teach her and it's a quick bread so this isn't like a sourdough starter or some shit. Nope. Daisy already has a batch going and just sent a video because it isn't working as she expected. Rob is about to start a visitation so he can't be fielding these questions now but I think we're good."
Now I understood and started to laugh harder, "So our dear Daisy wanted to know everything about every type of Irish soda bread and is probably going to start grinding her own wheat any time now, huh?'
"Probably. I let her know we can discuss later since Rob is at work. He thanked me for reminding him he has an appointment to get to then messaged me separately thanking me for the easy out."
I chuckled at her response and the grin on Lissy's face, agreeing, "Well, you do have a way of allowing people the opportunity to step out of situations gracefully if they need to."
She shrugged, "Feels like the right thing to do. He has a lot on his plate so it's how I'd want to be treated." Her eyes drifted to the yard again and focused on the shed, "So, do you want to go in there at all today?"
"Nope. Not ready for the woodworking stuff to see the light of day. Sorry." I sighed, feeling a sense of loss as I realized how many of the things I love are tied to my Dad.
Lissy took my hand in hers, soothing me with a sweet, "Shhh," before reassuring, "Remi, there is no timeline for this. The house is paid for so the only utilities you have to pay for are basic water and electric each month, really. You can keep this place for as long as you want. Nothing says you have to move a muscle."
We stayed like that for a few more minutes, quietly staring at the woodshed as I thought about all the hours I spent watching my dad carve or sand or saw. How I learned patience and accuracy from his methods, as well as the work ethic I still carry with me today.
"Do we have a date planned or is these just ideas now and we can get the beef soon then make a plan for Irish night?" I asked, tilting my head as I studied the woman I loved. This was my way of showing her I was ready to move to a new topic even though we would need to discuss the woodshed and her swing eventually.
I cannot avoid everything forever, but it's only been a week. I just need more time.
"I think maybe this weekend for Irish night? That sounds like it will work for everyone and we can have it at Taylor and Bec's." Lissy's eyes raised to the neighbor's house where our friends lived. "Bec messaged that she's at work until one but can't wait to relax a bit when she's around so we can hang out there a bit later. Benji is doing great at the house alone and seems to like having free time."
"I'm glad he does so well alone." I sighed, staring into her eyes a long moment before continuing, "This... this is nice."
"It's been a great morning, but we're stalling." Alice stared into my eyes with a reassuring smile, "We should head inside."
I let out another sigh and stood, gathering our trash before taking a deep breath. I felt the need to steel myself, even though I knew it was an empty house that held nothing but memories.
Maybe that's the scariest part of all... every memory I've fought against will be in front of my face yet again.
Just stepping inside about an hour earlier was enough to make me freeze in my tracks. I didn't expect to have such a visceral response but that's the worst part of grief. You can't anticipate how you will react at any given moment. Cramming those feelings into a box might work for a short period of time but it's a dangerous game.
The last thing I need is to become a jack-in-the-box that will explode on someone innocent... or worse. On someone like Alice who has done nothing but try to help me heal.
"I'm here, Remington. I promise."
Her voice was quiet but that's all I needed to remember.
I am not alone.
The words were a mantra, cycling in my head as we worked to start the process.
We took our time washing a few dishes that were in the sink before wiping down counters and tidying up the kitchen a bit. Lissy grabbed an empty laundry basket then ransacked the cabinets, clearing out Pop-Tarts and Tortilla chips along with any other packaged food she thought we could use at her house.
She knew I wasn't ready to go further and was not about to pressure me. I felt better just knowing she was respectful of my unspoken boundaries. We continued working with some quiet music playing in the background, hauling bags or baskets of items to her car as we were able to begin clearing out some of the random stuff that this house contained.
It was all just stuff.
Every human life needs so many things.
You consider garbage bags or twist ties for a bag of bread, or deodorant. Look in a junk drawer at how many ink pens or random mismatched teaspoons or even spare condiment packets from takeout. Personal effects are everywhere in that space so even as we tried to deal with the most mundane parts of Dad's house I was constantly caught off guard by memories.
Sure, it's only a grill brush... but it's the grill brush I used with Dad while making a number of incredible meals for Benji and Liss.
To anyone else, it's just a bunch of random chopsticks, but Dad loved sushi and Americanized Chinese food. He stockpiled extra utensils for a rainy day and we had tons of extra fortune cookies in an old shortbread cookie tin on top of the fridge as well. Staring at the pile of soy sauce packets and chopsticks reminded me of watching Benji try to shove an entire piece of sushi in his mouth at once while Dad almost choked while laughing.
A random baseball coffee mug in the back cabinet of the kitchen was like a punch in my gut. Lissy had to spend a few minutes calming me down before I was able to explain I bought Dad that mug with the money I earned from my paper route in middle school. The bottom still bore the inscription, "Happy Fathers Day! We love you! Remi and Reese!"
Even the stupidest minutia was filling me with grief, like an ink pen and notepad left by the landline phone. Dad used that pen constantly to jot down notes. It was from his dentist and the white writing was so worn you could barely read what it said, but it was a retractable free pen that he just happened to keep nearby constantly.
Liss noticed me staring at the pen and paper then took it, sliding those items into her purse. "I'll hang onto these, okay?" Her eyes blinked rapidly as tears fell, showing she understood why it meant so much to me. She could tell why this mattered.
She could always tell why things were important to me. I've never felt that before but now that I've found someone who so deeply cares about my heart, I'm not sure what I'd do without her. Then again, maybe she understands because she's been there.
Alice has done this before. She's had to walk into a house at sixteen and see everything her parents left behind... but with a little brother in tow that needed her for everything.
That thought made me wonder what small items her parents left behind triggered the worst memories for her. The home movies made me realize her dad probably had a video camera stashed somewhere that brought her a deep ache. Those memories are bittersweet at their core.
We continued working quietly through the kitchen and parts of the living room then into the laundry room. She kept me away from the bedrooms intentionally and handled the bathroom herself, clearing out toiletries and asking me about which prescriptions were mine and which to dump.
The distance helped me process what we were doing.
"Want to take this to the car?" Lissy asked, sliding another full paper bag of cleaning supplies on the kitchen counter.
I laughed, shaking my head from the living room as I stacked old copies of TV Guide to recycling. "The trunk is almost full and I need to save some space so I think we have to call it good for the kitchen and laundry room for now. We can get more of this stuff later, but at least we don't have to get tons of groceries now."
"I was almost out of toilet paper and laundry soap, so this is perfect timing!" She grinned, hoisting a bag of Tide pods onto the counter. "So, you want to get more of your things together? I figured we could take some of these clean towels at least since I'm good on sheets but do you want help going through stuff?"
Her offer was kind but I felt like I needed some time alone in my room.
I needed to be alone. I can do this. I'm strong enough and know just having my Alice nearby is good enough.
"Lissy? I think... I think just having you here in the house is enough. I will holler if I need you, but thank you." I gently grazed her arm with my hand but felt her grab me as I passed, stopping me.
"Remi? Just... please?" Lissy's eyes pleaded with me and I realized I should listen carefully. She doesn't do this often but it's usually important when she is this insistent. I paused as she let out a long breath before imploring, "Please... just... leave the door open."
I chuckled at her suggestion, leaning down to kiss her softly before remarking, "Of course, Liss. I'll leave the door open."
My feet quickly made the short walk to my bedroom and I opened the door to find it...
Exactly as I left things.
Nothing had moved.
My bed was unmade. I had only gotten out of bed when...
When...
Everything froze.
"Dad?? DAD??!!"
"I'll be there..."
"Remi... stay with me.... Babe.... STAY WITH ME....."
I don't know how much time passed but I felt my breath finally even out as I laid in my bed with Alice curled up next to me.
My heart was still racing from the panic attack but I could hear Liss whisper a count for breathing so I followed her lead. She traced the veins in my arm with her delicate fingers, her own breathing still uneven in response to whatever happened to my body. I hated the way my reactions impacted her but knew that was something neither of us could control. For now, the best I could do was cope with the fallout.
After another few moments, I finally croaked, "So that's why you told me to leave the door open?"
Lissy laughed then kissed my shoulder, snuggling into my side, "Something like that." Her arms wrapped around mine as she curled closer, inhaling deeply, "If you're nauseous I have some meds in my bag. Otherwise, we can just grab the couple of things you need and get out of here for today. Whatever you need."
"No, but I think I need you here with me." I turned my head and my nose collided with hers, causing us to laugh. "Maybe I shouldn't keep trying to face everything alone."
"I think you've done that enough."
Her soft whisper was so close I could taste it on my lips. I moved my hands to scoop Alice so she was now on top of me and felt her move on my body, kissing me deeply. We wanted to go further but knew now was the wrong time so did our best to keep things as contained as possible, especially considering where we were.
It's only been a week, but moments like this have helped me stay grounded as much as deep breathing and mindfulness. My heart pounds when I feel her nails scratch the nape of my neck or grip my shirt while I felt her bare back against my rough fingers.
Alice sat up, straddling me, and placed her hands on my chest. She let out a long breath and stared down into my eyes with a dreamy look on her face that I had seen many times recently.
It was a look I needed to see more.
"So... we've reached the line?"
I nodded, "Yeah...."
She groaned, "Fine... I'm gonna get a drink..."
I watched her walk away, taking out the messy bun with her hips swaying, hair falling down in waves.
Fuck.
Okay, do I take a quick shower to handle this or just... no... there isn't time...
I tried to think about anything else but as soon as my eyes focused on a photo on the wall any thought of romance was gone.
Dad... and Mom... with Reese and me.
One of those summer nights out at the pond, in the sunshine.
It was a professional photo Mom had done for some reason but she loved this one in particular. Reese and I had chocolate and marshmallow on our faces from s'mores but Dad's eyes were full of love while she looked happy for once.
I sat up in bed and stared at the photo, paying more attention to Dad as he looked at Mom.
He was not faithful.
Was he ever faithful?
Now I scrutinized the photo and felt less warmth and more emptiness. It's like the childhood I thought I experienced was a mirage. The father I thought was loving and traveled for work to provide was actually fucking at least one other woman he almost left us to start a new life alongside.
Was he ever the man I imagined?
"Want a dr.... Babe?" Liss peeked in the room while hanging onto the door jam with one hand.
I reached up and took the photo off the wall, staring at it further. "Do you think he was ever faithful?"
There was a sharp intake of breath as Lissy joined me on the bed, sitting gingerly. "I think that's an unhealthy question to ask in general. I also think it doesn't matter. You know enough."
Her answer was sufficient so I nodded, setting the framed photo on my bed behind me before I turned to Lissy. "How long do we have before Bec and Taylor are ready for us to come by?"
She checked her phone a moment, "About an hour?"
"Okay, let's grab a few things here, and then I want to dig into the safe. I don't need to spend a lot of time here today like you said, but I'm glad we're getting the first visit over with at least."
Alice grinned and stood, moving to my closet where she extracted an empty suitcase. "Shall we?"
I started digging into my dresser and emptied the underwear and lounge clothes first along with socks. Naturally, I wanted all the comfortable items I could get since that was about all I was wearing anyway. Lissy ducked out for a moment then returned with a Gatorade, encouraging me to replenish my electrolytes. I laughed at her but knew she was right.
Every time I have some kind of incident or panic attack I felt all the energy drain from my body. Usually, Liss provides me with some kind of snack like a sandwich or candy bar along with the drink but we just ate and have steak coming up so I had a feeling that's why she skipped a snack.
She knows what I need, but that's because she has been here. She knows after trial and error. Her own body has been through this so many times that she is well aware of what is necessary to function. Benji is the same way so in the moments when I struggled and Liss was not nearby he is always able to give me a hand.
I need both of them in my life.
If they never came to Tulip Tree...
If I was still alone...
I can't allow my mind to even consider that line of logic.
Lissy took my Gatorade and sipped, grimacing at the flavor. "Grape Gatorade always tastes medicinal."
"Agreed. Dad grabbed these before I got home since he had no clue but Benji and I were drinking them anyway..."
I said it without thinking but gasped after the words escaped my mouth.
Such an innocent statement meant so much.
She blinked quickly then took another sip, "I'll take them to the car?"
All I could do was nod.
Lissy left me alone a few moments to sip the astringent flavor of purple Gatorade, now keenly aware of how something so small could trigger such an avalanche of feelings.
Benji and I realized it doesn't taste as bad if it's really cold, so we kept them in the fridge. If we chugged one after being in the sun a while it was hard to taste much and easier to just get the sports drink into your system.
We found a way to appreciate his gesture.
Dad would grin when he saw me eat or drink anything he picked up, so of course, I would. Benji always did the same. Those gestures meant the world to him when I was younger and now I can understand why.
He was off base with what he purchased, but his heart was in the right place. I could have criticized what he did but considering the condition, he was in I did not. Instead, I kept in mind all the factors and tried to make sure I was calm. When given the chance I would order or ask for what I actually preferred, but I also knew better than to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Lissy helped me do that.
"Remi? Becca just texted that they're home and turning the grill on in a half-hour or so. She said she's getting prep done since Trisha is at Daisy's and Trent is at a friend's so we can go over whenever..."
I closed my suitcase after adding a few pairs of khakis and some nice shirts along with more professional clothes. Alice quirked an eyebrow as I handed her the hanging wardrobe bag that held two suits while I grabbed extra shoes, including my nice shiny black Oxfords.
"Sounds good. Let me get this shit loaded then we can grab the stuff from the safe. I don't want to open anything today but at least I'll have it." I answered, "Then... steak time?"
She grinned and reached toward me, accepting the shoes along with my hanging bag that draped over her arm. We made our way to the car and continued cramming items into the back seat before making our way back inside.
I walked back to the office with Alice next to me, her fingers laced in mine.
Dad's bedroom door was before the office and we stopped next to it, leaving the room shut. I paused, laying a hand on the wood, before continuing down the hallway to our destination. The office door was closed and creaked as it opened, light filtering through curtains with dust particles floating through the air.
The safe was behind his desk in one of the cabinets. I opened it easily with the provided combination, 0704, but paused in an attempt to gain some strength.
Liss was peeking over my shoulder as I clicked the door open, seeing only a stack of white envelopes... And a small black felt box perched on top.
I knew he said there would be letters and some gifts, but a ring?
Alice gasped, hands clapping over her mouth as I pulled out the contents of my father's final wishes so we could look at everything he wanted me to find.
The small black felt box stayed closed but each envelope was labeled with a different name. One each for Kenny and Leah as well as Taylor and Becca then Jesse, Doc, Daisy, Benji, Alice, and myself. Most were simple letter-shaped envelopes with his handwriting but Benji and Daisy both had greeting card size envelopes as well. The safe held a variety of other folders and envelopes that I needed to review as well but my attention was on one thing in particular.
I stared at the ring box completely frozen but knew what it was for. We both did.
"Do you think..." I began.
"Probably? I mean he said he loved Clara so it makes sense he would have this set aside..."
"So it would have been hers?"
Lissy nodded, tearing her eyes from the desk and meeting mine. "I guess we should open this to find out?"
One envelope in her hands had the words, "Open First," written on the front, so I did as instructed...
Author's Note
Thank you for your patience. I had more blood work done and now have new diagnoses including auto immune disorders and various other issues to deal with but at least we know more. My body is a mess, but that's no shock to anyone who knows me! We will keep figuring things out a step at a time, so thank you for the continued patience as I write this story the way I feel is most healthy for my mental and physical health. I would love to continue providing long chapters (this one is over 7500 words) so I promise to make sure it's worth the wait!
Love you all - thanks again!