LEXI
The bar was crowded, but that wasn't surprising. It was newer than the other places in town and pretty modern for what folks around here were used to. It drew the younger, hipper crowd and with spring break right around the corner, the place was packed. A big guy double fisting two beers bumped into me and I shot him a glare, stopping him from apologizing before he even opened his mouth. My job back at the bar in Maine had hardened me when it came to drunken assholes; I didn't have much patience for them. Mary and I continued to the bar, finding one empty stool in the corner.
"You sit," I told her, spinning her around into the seat.
"No, no, no, you're the one confessing here." She raised her voice so I could hear her over the crowd around us. "Besides, you already know all of my issues! My fiancé cheated on me and Ian Malcolm apparently wants to take me out to dinner."
I shook my head and sank her down onto the bar stool. "What do you mean "apparently"? He asked you, right? And he's been calling nonstop since. You're the one giving him the cold shoulder."
"I'm not giving him the cold shoulder--"
I fixed Mary with a look. "You've been ignoring him, that's basically the same thing." I leaned around her and got the bartender's attention, ordering two gin and tonics for us. As I looked back at Mary I could see the conflict written all over her. "Do you not like Ian or something?"
She shrugged but the question only seemed to upset her even more. "It doesn't matter Lexi. Things with Matt aren't resolved yet; I can't go out to dinner with someone else."
"Why? Going out to dinner with an old friend from high school is nothing compared to what he did!"
Mary's head dropped and then she shook it. "Ian and I weren't friends in high school. I hardly knew him."
"And you don't want to get to know him?" I prodded. She lifted her eyes towards me and they were full of guilt.
"I do."
Her skin colored and I could tell that this was hard for her to admit but I couldn't quite understand why. Just then the bartender appeared, sliding our drinks towards us and pausing our conversation. As soon as I paid him I picked up my drink and turned back to Mary.
"Why is that such a bad thing?"
She pushed her hands back through her hair and groaned. "Ian, he makes me feel things I haven't felt before."
"Again, that's a bad thing because..."
"Because I'm still in love with Matt!"
I must've made a face and not known it because Mary started to defend herself. "I know what he did was unforgivable, but it's Matt Lexi. He's more than this one mistake."
"So you're staying with him."
It was an assumption on my part and even though I tried, I couldn't keep the disappointment out of my voice. It's not that I didn't like Matt; he'd always been good to me. It's just after all these years taking care of us, Mary deserved her own life, but instead she was stuck with Matt's and I kind of resented him for not noticing that.
"I didn't say that," Mary said, taking a sip of her drink.
"So you're leaving him then?"
She shook her head and then looked at me again with frustration clouding her pretty face. "Honestly, I'm not sure what I'm going to do." She took a breath. "I was kind of hoping it'd be okay with you if I stayed at the house for a while."
"Of course that's okay." All I could think about was the fact that she was breaking out on her own and that made me proud to see. I'd help her out in any way I could and if that meant she needed the house...
"So you don't care if we don't sell it right away?"
I shook my head and raised my glass, clinking it against hers. "I think it's a great idea. But what about Ian, if you stay here you're going to see him around town you know? You can't ignore him forever Mary."
She snorted and took another long sip of her drink. "Please. We all know what a guy like Ian is after."
"Is that such a bad thing?" I teased, bumping my hip against her, but Mary's skin flushed again and she nodded her head.
"Lexi, I can't just--" Her head changed course and she was now shaking it. "I like Ian but I'm not the type of person-- I can't just sleep with him. It'd mean something to me and Ian-- It wouldn't be the same for Ian."
"Wait. So you're saying you'd sleep with him if it actually meant something to him?" Mary just stared back at me, not answering either way and I started to chuckle. "Well Mother Mary," I teased, "I think that's pretty unfair of you. I mean you're just assuming what type of guy Ian is. You haven't even taken the time to get to know him; you're not even giving him a chance."
"I'm not assuming anything. I heard the rumors in high school--"
I let out a bitter laugh, my growing irritation threatening to get the better of me. "Yeah, well, we all know how accurate rumors can be." I picked up my drink and turned away from my sister, not able to even look at her right then.
After I managed to get through that night with Mark Stueben, I thought everything would go back to normal. I thought I had gotten through the worst of it, but I had no idea how much that one night would alter the rest of my life.
The next day as I walked into school I could feel everyone's eyes on me. It didn't take long before I heard the rumors for myself. Apparently I had not only slept with Mark Reuben, but I'd also fucked his friend Ollie as well. I remember running into the bathroom and puking out what little I'd managed to eat that morning when I heard that.
I had no recollection of Ollie Jackson. I don't even remember him even being at the party that night. He was one of Mark's loser friends. I think he went to community college or something. The idea of him inside me... I felt dirty all over again.
That day I cut class and bailed out after lunch. It would be the last time I'd spend more than a couple of hours in those halls. School wasn't where I wanted to be anymore. I felt threatened everywhere, from the catcalls by the lockers, to the graffiti about me scribbled in black sharpie on the bathroom walls.
I spent most of my time at the beach, just sitting there staring out at the sea, trying to convince myself that it'd get better. People would move on to some new, juicer gossip and soon I'd become yesterday's news. Forgotten. But that never happened.
It didn't take long before more rumors were dredged up. Guys that I'd hooked up with in the past began spilling tales, and guys that I'd never even spoken to before began making them up. Before long most of my friends dropped me and I had no one. I was a social pariah and that was just fine by me. I didn't feel like talking to anyone anyway.
I knew there was no way Mary and I my father hadn't heard the rumors. I could see it in their eyes, the way they looked at me differently, as if they were trying to imagine if they could actually be true. They never asked me about them though and I never told them what was going on at school. I think a part of me was afraid to, afraid that they wouldn't believe me.
There was awhile there where I embraced my reputation. It was the summer before my senior year when I finally decided that I had enough ducking my head in shame. I met this older guy, Knox, at the beach one day. He was in town with his band and had no idea who I was. I realized at that moment that I could be anyone and I desperately didn't want to be Lexi anymore. I wanted to be someone stronger.
I started seeing Knox, dyed my hair jet black, and cut it into an extreme bob. I exchanged the baggy, black clothing I'd been wearing, for extra small, slinky outfits that showed off more skin because Knox liked it, and even went with him to get a tattoo or, as Erin liked to call it, a tramp stamp.
I saw the stares I got when I debuted my new look and I suddenly felt like I had power again. Boys tried to talk to me, to get my attention and I let them. My new look and "I don't give a fuck" attitude did nothing to stop the rumors though. In fact, it only served to fuel them along further, the only difference was I didn't care anymore. I felt like I had control over myself again even if it was all only a facade.
"I'm just saying I think that Ian's out of my league," Mary continued to explain.
"Really?" I asked, feeling fired up. "Is he really out of your league, or are you just scared to try something new?"
My sister brought her eyes up to mine. It looked like she was going to say something, but she didn't. The corners of her mouth turned down and her brows furrowed. "I'm scared," she admitted. "I've only been with Matt, and Ian-- Ian seems to know what he's doing. Every time I'm around him I feel like a bumbling idiot. I just don't think I'm ready for that."
"Mary! He's asking you to dinner, not up to his bedroom! Besides, it's not like you have to sleep with him if you don't want to. But I think you're crazy not to go out with him. He likes you." She started to shake her head but I kept going.
"He likes you Mary, otherwise he wouldn't be putting all this effort in. Besides, you never know what'll happen, but I think you're going to regret not finding out."
She scrunched her nose up and took a sip of her drink. I could tell by the look on her face that she was processing what I'd said. That was all I could ask for really. It's not like I thought Ian would solve everything for Mary. I knew she had to figure out her life on her own and he might only complicate it further, but I could tell that she liked him and I wasn't about to stand around and let her waste another opportunity.
Mary put her drink back on the bar and spun the stool towards me as she hopped up off it. "Your turn." She patted the seat.
"Who says were done with you?"
"We could go on all night with my issues! It's your turn."
I knew there was no more avoiding it. I'd promised I would tell Mary why I was leaving and she was holding me to it. I looked down at the stool and then back up at her. Taking her by the shoulders, I forced her to sit back down.
"Trust me," I told her, "You're going to want to be sitting for this."
Mary's eyes widen but she stayed seated, waiting impatiently for me to spill. She was unconsciously fiddling with the hem of her flowy, coral tank top and staring back at me with a worried expression on her face. She thought this was going to be bad, I could tell, and maybe it would be. I didn't really know how she was going to react.
I looked over at my sister and I didn't know where to begin. So I decided to just bite the bullet and spit it out. "I slept with Will Garrity." Mary's eyes swung up and she almost fell off the stool. I took the opportunity to hammer the final nail in the coffin.
"Multiple times."
"Jesus Christ Lexi! Are you kidding me? How did this happen? When? Does Erin know?" She lobbed her questions so quickly, I didn't even have time to take them all in. All I saw was her face as it wound up into a frown. She wasn't happy. This didn't bode well for ever coming clean with Erin. It was probably for the best that I didn't anyway. Besides, there was no need to anymore, I thought sadly.
"Erin doesn't know," I told her, lifting my finger and pointing it at her chest. "And you can't tell her." Mary's face fell and I knew she didn't like the idea of keeping something from Erin, especially something like this, but I also knew she wouldn't betray me and tell her, not now that I'd told her not to. I picked up my drink and flipped my hair over my shoulder, trying to appear tougher than I felt.
"It doesn't matter anyway. It's over. There's no need to upset her for no reason."
"No reason? Lexi you slept with her best friend, with Will, someone we've all known since we were kids. That's a big deal." She took a sip of her drink and looked up at me. "How'd it happen?"
I shrugged trying to brush the whole thing off like it was inconsequential. "I ran into him at a bar a few weeks ago in New York."
"New York?" Mary looks confused. "What were you doing there?"
"Visiting a friend."
"Who do you know in New York?"
"No one. It doesn't matter." Mary gives me a look like it does matter and I'm not sure I understand why.
"Lexi, dad's gone and I feel like I don't know anything about your life except that you work in some bar in Maine and live with a bunch of roommates, and then you drop this on me about Will..." She shakes her head, still trying to get her mind around all of it, but I take offense to what she's implying.
"Mary, you don't know about my life because you don't ask. Every time you've called me all we've talked about was either Dad or Matt, nothing about us." Her face falls and I instantly feel guilty. I didn't mean to hurt her. "Hey Mary, at least you call, right? I mean I never speak to Erin and I know I haven't picked up the phone to call you--"
"Have you ever thought that I didn't ask because you're not one to tell?" she asked. I looked up at her over the rim of my drink and found her glaring back at me. "When you took off and left home, I tried to reach out to you, I tried to find out what was going on but you just shut me out. You used to tell me everything, but then suddenly it just stopped."
Mary was right. I did use to tell her everything. I wish I could have blamed the whole thing on that one night, but the truth was I started pulling away before that. Both of my sisters were busy with their own lives and I was a rebellious teen. That night was just the tipping point, the one that broke me.
"I'm not blaming you Mary. I know I pulled away and I'm sure I wasn't easy to deal with."
"But why?"
"Why did I sleep with Will?" I knew that wasn't what she was asking. She wanted to know why I pulled away, but there was no way that I was going to tell her, especially not here, so I pretended like I thought that she was asking about Will.
"I'm not sure why I slept with him."
Mary narrowed her eyes up at me. "Bullshit."
"What do you mean bullshit?"
She picked up her drink and had another sip before answering me. "I mean I call bullshit. You don't know why you slept with him? Please! If you're going to lie to me Lexi what's the point of even telling me this?"
"But you wanted to know--"
"The truth. I wanted to know the truth behind why you were leaving, but you're not telling me the truth."
How did she always know?
I rolled my eyes and let out a shaky breath. "Fine. You wanna know the truth?" Mary nodded her head, not backing down. "I slept with Will because I like him. I've liked him since I was just a stupid kid and he never looked my way twice. I ran into him in New York, we had some drinks, and one thing led to another..."
Mary's eyes went as round as saucers. "So you guys were drunk when it happened?"
"No." But then I started nodding my head. "I mean yes. Technically we were both drunk but it wasn't like that."
"What was it like?"
I blushed as images of that night forced their way into my head. "It was good. It felt right," I whispered, hating to admit it out loud.
"And then it happened again?" I nodded, looking down at my drink, not at her. "When?"
"Yesterday."
Mary didn't say anything. I glanced up and she was staring back at me in shock. "Wait. So let me get this straight. You slept with him, and then slept with him again, and now you're leaving? Why? Did he do something? I swear to god if he brushed you off--"
I didn't let her finish her thought. "Mary, Will didn't do anything. I'm the one. This thing with him, it's stupid. I had fantasizes about Will for so long that I just got wrapped up in the idea of my dreams coming true, but they were just dreams. I don't fit into Will's life and he certainly doesn't fit into mine. There's no need to go getting everyone upset over something that doesn't have a chance at working out anyway."
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Personally, these are some of my favorite chapters because I always love getting the chance to write about when Erin, Lexi, and Erin get to interact with each other. I loved crafting the parts between Lexi and Mary in these chapters. They gave me a chance to throw in some more Lexi's backstory, and hopefully provided some insight into how Mary saw things at that time.
The conversations between the two of them also allowed me to get the characters to hash out their feelings with a sounding board there. I don't think either Lexi, or Mary allowed each other to squirm their way out of the conversation and held each other accountable for their answers.
And then Erin and Jasper kissed...sigh. I thought it was an interesting moment between the two of them.
As always, I'm curious to hear your thoughts. Please remember to vote and leave a comment!