“Thank you, Minerva. I can’t tell you how much that opportunity would mean to me.” I tell her, sitting across from the headmistress while I’m enjoying a lemon drop. She smiles at me graciously and I can’t help but feel extreme gratitude for her kindness.
“I understand the need to be with your child, Madison. Just make sure that you’re back by Sunday. Spend the weekend with her; enjoy it. I’ll take care of a replacement for the weekend.”
My heart is filling with happiness with each passing moment. On November 20th, I’ll be heading home to visit my daughter and my mother. I am so happy I could cry. This woman has helped me through so much.
“Minerva, I never properly thanked you for… saving me. Who knows what kind of a profession I’d have if I hadn’t met you. I’m better off having known you.” I told her, looking at my hands clasped now in my lap, blushing.
Saying the words out loud seemed to take me back to a different time. It was like once I said them it triggered my entire friendship with her to surface. To understand my connection with Minerva though, I had to think back a little farther.
I met my best friend Taylor when I was heading off to university. I was still young, unattached, and had barreled my way through primary school and made leaps and bounds with my magical education. Once that world had been opened for me, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
Taylor was with me from the second we met in a coffee shop on campus until I graduated. We moved in together and I knew I had found a friend for life. She was from North Carolina as well, about and hour west from me growing up. When I finished school I moved back home.
Jack came back into the picture shortly after that. Our life together was rocky, brief, and completely amazing. Taylor was with me through it all and she's the god mother of my daughter. When Jack died, she really stepped up.
Jack and I had both been raised in North Carolina and never really had a chance to go anywhere else. I’d always wanted to travel but couldn’t manage the money. Jack didn’t make enough on a teacher’s salary and I was still in school. We made tons of plans together, Jack and I, but we didn’t know how to go about achieving them.
When Jack died…Taylor really stepped in and surprised me. I kind of fell apart, but she made sure for Faith’s sake I kept it together. I couldn’t imagine a life without Jack. I was only ever happy with my daughter.
The money Jack had made coupled with his small life insurance kept me going for a few months…but I knew it wouldn’t last more than a year. I knew I needed a job, but I had to finish my schooling first. Teachers don’t make much to begin with, and I heard from every teacher I shadowed the negative side to that.
But Taylor pulled a few strings. She contacted her favorite Transfiguration teacher from Hogwarts-- the school she had gone to as a child. Minerva saved me with a proposition. Taylor arranged first a correspondence but then a meeting for Minerva and myself. The moment we met, we clicked. She offered me a position as the Defense Against the Darks Arts professor-- something I was in no place to turn down-- especially for the amount of money she was willing to pay.
I just couldn’t take Faith. I was required to live here, in my little suite. I couldn’t raise Faith here, let her roam the halls while learning to walk, or take her to class with me. It just wouldn’t be possible. So I had to leave her with my mother.
I feel like a horrible person for that. All the time, I feel as if I am failing her. I ran out of options, though. I didn’t have enough in me to keep us together. Could I have done something differently? I don’t know. Minerva’s voice stirs me from my thoughts.
“Madison, you’re a thousand miles away. It’s all right, dear. You’ll be with her soon.” I smiled at her through watery eyes and excused myself.
As I walked through the corridors, my lightness returned. There was nothing that could bring me down from this cloud. I rounded the corner to my chambers and spotted Cissie with her wand poised at another girl’s throat.
Within an instant I was running. I could see the other girl cowering, pleading, but there was rage in Ciss’s eyes.
“Ciss, no!” I called, but she’d already cast a curse. The young girl shriveled into a ferret at her feet just as I reached her. She looked at me with apologetic eyes.
“Cissette Malfoy. My office. Now.” I pointed down the opposite end of the corridor. Her eyes, huge with worry, almost made me pause. But I wouldn’t. To the ferret that had only moments ago been a little girl I said, “Stay here, I’ll send for Madam Pomfrey.”
I grabbed Cissie’s arm and marched her step by step to my office. I was thinking of a suitable punishment idly when thoughts of calling in her father sent goose bumps through my limbs. A slight shiver went through me; my stomach felt as if it dropped to my knees.
Cissette didn’t notice. Once we reached my office, I set her down in the chair. She sat, hands folded, with her mouth going a mile a minute.
“Professor, I was only trying to protect myself. She was threatening me! Daddy taught me that, because, well, it happened to him and he didn’t want it to happen to me. I just wanted to protect myself from her! She was saying all of these horrible things and I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t find a professor and I was worried so--” I cut off her rambling.
“Silence. That girl was not threatening you. You were threatening her.” I whistled to Leon, who fluttered through the open bars of his cage to land on my desk. I scrawled a quick note to Madam Pomfrey about the young girl before turning my attention back to Cissie.
“I’m writing your father a note, and that’s final. You’re going to sit here and wait until he arrives and we’re all going to talk about suitable punishments for you. Do I make myself clear?” I used the strictest tone I had in my arsenal. She lowered her eyes to the ground and responded softly.
“I’m sorry, Professor Clark.” She bit her lip and began to tear up. I wrote a quick note to Draco and waited patiently for Leon to come back.
I’m sorry, Draco. You need to come to Hogwarts, immediately. Cissie’s in monstrous trouble.
Leon arrived moments after I’d finished my hurried handwriting and took the letter gracefully before soaring out the window.
When we were alone, I placed my hands calmly on the desk and took three deep breaths to soothe my simmering anger.
“Cissette, I want the real story. So cough it up.” I clasped my hands together and pulled myself closer to my desk with my feet. She looked up at me sheepishly.
“I beg your pardon, Professor?” She asked. I rolled my eyes. No one could understand a word I said with all of my American figures of speech.
“It means tell me the truth, now…in this context. I want to know why you felt that turning one of your classmates into a ferret was necessary.” I gave her a glare that sent a blush across her cheeks.
“She told Jimmy I liked him and that he should ask her to the Yule Ball instead of me.” I couldn’t help it: I laughed. She shot me a look that was both hurt and angry. “She embarrassed me!”
“Listen, Cissette,” I told her, “this isn’t the end of the world. It’s only your second year. Things will blow over in a week. It was not appropriate to turn the poor girl into a ferret! I’m very angry that you felt that would be okay. You’re children; not ready to be fighting over boys anyways.”
She folded her arms and looked at my bookshelf, pouting. I mirrored her, much to my dismay, and we waited in silence. I could hear Draco before he let himself in not ten minutes later.
His angry tone echoed down the hall, as he demanded to a poor meek professor to know where my office was. His voice sent shivers throughout my body. I could hear his quick and heavy strides gain volume until he let himself in.
“Maddie,” he smiled, his voice taking a complete turn from its previous anxiety. I smiled through tight lips and gestured for him to sit down. He bowed slightly, which made me giggle, before doing so. Cissie shot me a look.
He looked between Cissette’s rigid posture and I before turning his attention back towards me.
“What did she do?” I clenched my teeth together as I thought about it all over again. That poor girl, no doubt suffering as Madam Pomfrey worked her magic.
“Cissette, would you like to explain to your dad what happened? The real story.” It wasn’t a request and she knew it. She stalled as long as she could, fiddling with her fingers and stuttering.
“Cissette Grace Malfoy.” I listened to his tone, fully intending to copy it for later use. I knew that tone would get her to crack. I listened with satisfaction as it all whooshed out in one breath. Draco’s jaw clenched and his reaction was the same as mine. He barked out his laughter and told her that this wasn’t life or death.
“Your embarrassment does not warrant the torture of an innocent girl. That’s final.” He said, covering her protests. He shot me an apologetic look. “Maybe you were right, Madison. I’m sorry.” I nodded my acceptance and tapped my nails on the desk.
“She needs an appropriate punishment. Ciss, what do you think you should do to make up for this terrible lapse in judgment and control?” I asked her, tapping my nails slowly. Draco’s smirk at the nickname I had for his daughter did not go unnoticed by me.
“I could write her a letter of apology?” Cissette questioned, twiddling her thumbs. I paused my tapping before replying.
“As a start you can hand deliver that apology note. There’s going to have to be an additional piece to that though. You can’t begin to imagine the psychological trauma you could’ve just given that poor girl.” I told her, clasping my heads together tightly. I had a flash back to a time where I was made fun of.
As a child I wasn’t anything spectacular. My dad was rarely around. My mother cared for me the best she could but I had a lot of behavioral issues. I inherited my dad’s short temper. It doesn’t usually take much effort to rattle my cage.
What landed me in the most trouble were the strange happenings that occurred around me. No one ever really could put his or her finger on it, but every one knew I was different. I was the weird one, the oddball. Around me, kids ended up strung from the telephone poles or with their pants full of fire ants.
Eventually, kids stopped trying to tease me for being weird. I’d scared most of them so badly because no one knew when or how I’d been able to do those things. I went from being the weird girl that every one teased to the weird girl that every one steered clear from.
People would cross to the other side of the hall to avoid me. That is, until I met Taylor, and eventually when I met back up with Jack after high school. Taylor had been from North Carolina, travelled to Britain, and came back, and she never treated me as if I were anything but a wonderful friend.
Like I said, I didn’t really learn very much about my magic from my mother. She was too busy running herself ragged trying to keep us afloat. My dad was too busy making his own money and spending it on himself to worry about teaching me magic or supporting my mother and I. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me at the time. It still kind of doesn’t.
I always wondered if he’d had someone or another family on the side. It wouldn’t surprise me. He wasn’t a bad father: he just wasn’t there. I don’t know. Sometimes it’s hard to keep it all straight.
I remember the first time my father showed me anything magical. I’d just gotten in trouble at school for snapping the pencil of one of my more vindictive classmates and laughing. It was the laughter I got in trouble for because no one could prove I’d shattered the pencil, but everybody knew. I could tell from the way they looked at me.
My dad approached me at bedtime tonight and asked me to repeat what I’d done in school. Then he mirrored my trick. For once, something made sense. Something I’d been previously unable to understand and hardly control, finally made sense. I started to play around with it, even though my parents didn’t want me to. It was hard not to when everybody was so prejudiced towards me.
I level my gaze at Cissette as I wait for more suggestions. She looks away from me and up at her father for some guidance. His hands go up in surrender.
“You’re going to have to think this through, Ciss.” He says, taking a page from my book by using the new nickname. Her gaze narrows. In response, the playful nature of her father is replaced by the famous Malfoy intimidation.
I watch their interactions, almost as if I’m studying them. It’s clear she respects him because she bites her lip in concentration, thinking of new ideas. He seems satisfied that just one look has gotten through to her because he turns his attention towards me.
“Professor Clark, could I have a moment alone? I’d like to ask you about something,” he turns his attention towards his daughter, “Why don’t you think up ideas outside the door for a moment?” Cissie shoots him an impatient look before huffing out of my office. She shuts the door loudly and I clench my teeth. I can’t help but be irritated with her behavior. Is this what my Faith is going to be like?
“Hi,” he says softly. My jaw automatically softens at his compassionate tone. His smile lights up his grey eyes and in them I don’t see anything but warmth. There’s a bit of amusement evident but no hardness, nothing cold. I feel my lips pull up without my consent.
“Hi.” I say. It’s as if that one word for both of us has more meaning.
“I’m sorry.” He says softly, referring to Cissette. “I wish I was here on better terms. I’d like to be here for the sole purpose of seeing you in a positive capacity.” I bask in the comfort of his intelligent conversation.
“She just needs some guidance. I fear that without a mother figure she’s not doing so well controlling her emotions.” I don’t know if I’m overstepping my boundaries, but Ciss nor Draco has mentioned anything about a mother.
“That’s what I was hoping you could be.” He says. I snort. “She seems to respect you.” He continues. He looks completely serious.
“I have the emotional control span of a child. How do you expect I teach her the art of control? Just a few weeks ago I broke down and told you how childish I’ve been in every aspect of my life.” I rebut, putting my head in my hands with distress. I can feel the heat before he touches me. It radiates across my skin, sending my heart into overdrive.
When he puts his hand over mine, I inhale sharply. I can feel his pulse and mine, erratically beating together. In a moment the silence in the room overwhelms me and all I can hear is our heartbeats overlapping. There’s a ringing in my ears as the blood in my body rushes through my veins.
“Maddie, that’s not true. You’re in control when you’re mothering. If that’s what Cissette needs then I have no qualms with you stepping up to help her.” I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s being truthful. There’s no trick or deceit when he’s looking at me. I nod before I can help myself.
“Cissie,” I call, before sliding my hand regrettably away from his. She pokes her head back in the room first, before letting her body follow.
“Have you thought about anything else you’d like to add to your punishment?” I ask her, offering her to sit down next to her father again. When he looks at her I can see nothing but love and commitment. It takes me a lot of effort to refrain from tearing up. Jack will never be able to do that with Faith. One look at me and I can tell from Draco’s apologetic smile that he understands.
“Will you help me?” Cissie asks. I make her clarify what she means. “I should be better at controlling my anger. I like to push buttons, Professor, but I hate when people do it to me. I give in so easily.” I look at her the same way I look at myself. We’re hard girls to understand because everything irritates us. We don’t like when things don’t go our way. I’m still not very good at controlling myself, but I have gotten a lot better. Maybe I can help Ciss do that too; teach her what I know. I nod with a smile on my face.
“I also should give myself detention and write an essay about the possible side effects of curses like the one I used and why I shouldn’t have done it.” She looks at the floor while Draco and I share a private smile.
“I think that’s a good idea, Ciss.” I tell her. “Now, say goodbye to your father and we can hash out the specifics,” I add. She sits in his lap quickly to give him a hug and a kiss. He stands, removing her from his lap gently and gives her another peck on the top of her head.
“If you need anything else, Professor Clark, don’t hesitate to let me know.” Cissette doesn’t catch the wink or the double meaning in his sentence, but I do. More specifically, my body does as my stomach flip-flops and my cheeks flush almost imperceptibly. I shake his hand and then Draco Malfoy walks out my door.
Cissette decides that she wants detention on Saturday mornings as her punishment. We decide on four of them, taking us up to the week that I’ll go home. When this is settled I tell her that I expect that essay on my desk, in addition to her other homework, first thing tomorrow morning no matter what.
In my room later that night I notice that there are flowers on my desk, Gerber daisies. It’s not fair to say I have no idea how they got there. I take a quick wiff and ready myself for bed.
The next few weeks are marked by quizzes, essays, and Saturday morning detentions with Cissette. I spend some time with Tommy and Juliet, talking to them about their mothers.
I spend Sunday nights with Ciss, letting her have some cathartic release. I’m not a therapist, but I think it helps a lot to talk to me about it. I’ve been giving her advice about Jimmy Knot and it seems to be working. He doesn’t avoid her anymore. She says it’s still only a “hi” in the hallways but I tell her it’s better than nothing. She apologized to the young girl she’d victimized. That girl now follows her around like a love-struck puppy. It’s quite comical and perplexing all at once.
My students’ marks as a whole are improving. We’re heading into the meaty material of the year and they’re raising my expectations with each passing day. I’m excited to see what the future can hold for them. It seems silly to think that I’m doing awesome work with them but some days I just really feel that. Like it’s a good thing that I’m here and helping them really learn things.
I know there’s not a dire need for them to know how to defend themselves without the previous threat of Voldemort, but it’s important to realize life is unpredictable and there may come a time when these skills prove handy.
As Thanksgiving gets closer, I find quite a few new things occurring. Draco has started a daily correspondence. Sometimes he inquires about his daughter, more often than not. Yet there are other times where I feel as if he’s feeding me little pieces of his soul.
He tells me about his work at the Ministry, how he runs around doing errands he considers mediocre and meetings that don’t seem to matter very much in the scheme of things. But he absolutely loves it. I can tell by the way that he writes very quickly with more disorderly writing.
He’s told me some memories of when Cissette was a little girl-- reading to her, her first magic, and her childhood playmates. I love hearing it all from both him and Ciss. They tell me their own versions and I can’t tell which perspective is more entertaining. I suppose Draco’s because I have that same parental view.
I dream of the child that Faith will become. Will she be like Cissette, a mini-me? I hope so and fear it at the same time. Ciss is a handful and I feel sympathy for my mother and teachers. She doesn’t have the same behavioral problems as I once did but she can get quite unruly.
There have been no new big issues-- nothing that would need to involve her father’s involvement. She’s starting to open up to me more; sharing dreams and goals. She’s a very smart girl. Once she focuses more on pleasing herself she’ll be able to be absolutely brilliant.
Draco asks me about my mother and my daughter. It feels good to be able to ask another parent questions about raising her. Of course, I always had my mother’s opinion and unfortunately not much say in her implementation of child rearing techniques, seeing as how she’s doing most of it right now. But it feels good to talk to someone other than my mother for advice on what to do.
He knows how much I miss her. I miss her little sounds, her little hands, her small feet, and the way her smile lights up when I sing to her. I’m not great, but I love the way she loves it.
I told him about how I discovered her love of my singing. One day, Jack couldn’t get her to stop fussing. She was only about a month old. I was making her a bottle by pumping new milk, hoping that would help her crying. She hadn’t taken to breastfeeding as much as I’d have liked her too. I had to switch on and off sometimes to see what she’d like best that day.
I turned on the radio, just to have a peaceful moment for myself over her cries. I could hear Jack’s frustrated steps as he paced our tiny living room. My favorite song came on and without skipping a beat I burst into an embarrassing rendition of an Avril Lavigne song.
I didn’t notice she’d stopped crying until I turned around with the bottle to Jack’s smiling face. Mirroring his expression was our baby girl. I was so shocked I stopped. We both laughed as she began fussing immediately.
From that moment on I knew she loved to be sung to. If she was fussy it was the only thing to calm her down. I reveled in the fact that Jack’s voice didn’t fare as well as mine did. It made me feel close to her.
Draco told me about a time when the only thing that calmed Cissette was for him to read to her. He would sit for hours beside her crib and read her every magical textbook he could until she fell asleep.
It was amazing to experience a brand new connection with someone new. My whole life I’d never really been surrounded by many who I could be open with. Most of my friends in the States had known nothing about who I really am.
I could only ever truly be honest with my father, who avoided me most days, my mother, who is my rock, Taylor, who swept into my life as a whirlwind and parked herself there, and then Jack, who broke down every defense I ever thought I had.
It was a tight circle and I never really imagined getting to let anyone else in on my big secrets. Yet Draco, however odd it was, managed to slip under my skin. Even when I didn’t say a word he seemed to understand that there was a bigger picture underneath.
He was learning how to push my buttons, the good and the bad. By the time Thanksgiving weekend rolled around, I could officially call us friends. I was adjusting to the fact that I’d broken most of my rules about him, but he tempted me in a way that I couldn’t resist.
I had my bags packed the Monday before I left. The week dragged so long I thought I’d never be home. The only thing that seemed to pass any time was talking to Draco through our notes.
He knew I was excited and that week we talked more than we ever had. That was when I really learned what kind of a person he was. It was like he wore this mask in public--- or at least he used to. The man I was coming to know was far from the stories I’d heard about him.
On that Wednesday, I returned from my last class to find my favorite flowers with a note next to my bags.
These are for your mother. I’ll see you sooner than you think.
-D
His note puzzled me much of the train ride and plane ride. I’d decided to go home the Muggle way so that I had time to prepare myself for the changes I’d see in my daughter. As excited as I was, I was also frightened because she could be walking. My mother had been very secretive lately.
Walking out of baggage claim at RDU, I look around for platinum blonde hair. Before I can take in the entire scene I’m ambushed by a wall of aforementioned blonde hair and Chanel perfume; Taylor nearly crushed my airways and the flowers.
“Baby!” She squeals like an eager child and holds me tightly at arms length. “You look pale! I hope there’s been some sun there.” Her worried little pout sends a swell of laughter through my body. I shake my head in disagreement and smile at her disappointed cluck.
“Hi Tay,” I kiss her cheek. She looks questioningly at the flowers. I loop my arm through hers and lead us in the direction of the doors.
“I’ve sort of met someone…I think…” I confess, ten paces outside of the door to my house. That stops Taylor in her tracks. Our entire conversation over here consisted of rehashing my duties as a professor and my co-workers. I can tell she’s a little put off that I didn’t mention it earlier.
“I knew there was something you left out. Spill. I want to know everything. Right now.” Taylor clutches my forearm and I know I’m not getting out of it.
“Tay, I want to see my baby.” I whine like an impatient child.
“You’ve waited two months you can wait another two minutes. Out with it. Now.” I can see the determination in her eyes. I sigh, knowing the faster I say his name the sooner I’ll get inside.
“Draco Malfoy.” Taylor breathes in sharply, clearly shocked.
“He’s still alive?” It’s the first thing she says. I choke on a bought of laughter. Figures the first thing she would say is completely pompous and doesn’t address the fact that I may be moving on from Jack.
“Yes, Taylor. Why, did you know him before? Now that I think of it I guess he’s close to your age.” I tell her, briefly considering his appearance. We never talked about our age difference, but my guess is about five years. Him and Taylor are definitely closer.
“He was two years behind me. Insufferable little git. That’s the best you could do? After him, really? Though I suppose it is a type.” I scoff at her musing. They are a bit alike, though I don’t think about it much. It often makes me feel guilty about talking to him, and since I like to talk to Draco, I don’t like thinking about his similarities with my Jack.
I have to stop thinking of him like that.
“Can I go see my daughter now?” I hope that’s enough information to keep her satisfied until after dinner. She huffs, clearly not pleased.
“We’re not done with this conversation.” She jabs her finger into my face, centimeters from my nose. I let out a giggle.
I face the house and take a deep breath. What if she doesn’t recognize me? What if she won’t let me hold her? I’ve been gone so long. What if she’s forgotten me completely?
Taylor shoves me up to the door, opens it, and I’m staring at my baby wrapped in my mother’s arms. I’m by her side in less than a second, I think, sunk down on my knees. It’s magical to look at her face, in the flesh. To watch her take a breath takes my breath away. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I hate them because they make my beautiful baby girl blurry.
My mom smiles at me and extends her arms. I take Faith from her without breaking eye contact with my daughter. When I smile, she smiles, and I feel my lungs drag in deep bouts of air. It feels amazing to watch her animated face. She’s both happy and concerned that I’m crying.
I begin to kiss her too many times to count, which results in her version of a giggle. My breath catches in my throat and I’m bawling. I’ve missed her so much, too much. Taylor and my mom have a quiet conversation while I stare into the eyes of my baby.
It’s like I’ve got nothing and everything to say. I start babbling. I tell her all about my classes, my students, Minerva, Cissie, Juliet, Tommy, and Draco. I know my mother and Taylor are interested in that last name but they let me babble on to my daughter.
I’m grateful. I spend the entire night clutching her close and I can’t keep my eyes off her. I take minute bites of my dinner and feed her little bites of mashed potatoes. My mother asks me to relent to her everything and anything.
They listen as I tell them everything I’ve already mentioned. They wait patiently but it’s not long before Taylor snaps at me to tell her more about Draco.
I tell her how everything started. I explain my guilt and how it tears me in two. I tell her about the dreams I’ve had. I tell her everything we’ve talked about. I tell her about Cissie with a thousand watt smile to my face.
When I finally run out of things to say I realize how I feel about everything I’ve said.
“You like him.” It’s not a question.
I do like him-- a lot. He’s on my mind in an endless circuit and I can’t control the loop. He makes me happy. He listens to me and shares with me. He’s made me dinner-- a pureblood man who has had house elves look after him his whole life, cooked me dinner. It was burnt horribly, but that’s not the point.
I shrug. Taylor is incredulous.
“I think he’d want you to be happy, you know,” Taylor says softly, tracing the patterns on my mother’s Thanksgiving table-cloth. I know she means Jack and I know she’s right.
“I told him about Jack.” I say. Her eyes snap up to meet my gaze. It’s the first time I’ve used his name in her presence since the accident. It’s me giving her permission to use it. Faith coos in my arms. “That’s right, darling. Mommy told Draco all about your daddy. Jack was your daddy and he loved you more than anything in the world.” My eyes watered but I kept the tears at bay.
I looked into Taylor’s watery blue eyes and smiled. She put her hand to her lips and returned that smile as a tear fell down her cheek.
“I’m so proud of you; so happy for you.” She said. I knew she meant it with her whole heart. My mother wept softly in the doorway. In that moment I felt whole.