New Thitipoom hummed as he walked the corridors to his bedroom. There was a spring in his steps. Great sex would do that to you. Tay was still asleep when he left for the kitchen a few minutes ago. He had gone to instruct Yllen to bring their late dinner upstairs.
The door swung open just as he reached for the handle. Tay was at the entrance. He looked like a mad man. And that was putting it mildly.
"Where did you go?" He asked, tone urgent.
"Tawan." New laid a hand on his husband's (?) chest and walked him back to the bed. The bed looked like it was vacated in a frenzy. The covers pooled down to the carpet and one pillow wedged between the frame and the nightstand.
He swept long fingers through the mess on his head. "Sorry."
"Remember the abandonment issues I talked about? This is one of them."
Tay did not argue his point. He exhaled deeply and rested his back on the mattress. "I can't believe I thought you left. Where would you have gone? This is your house." Another deep resigned sigh. "Perhaps I do have abandonment issues."
New wiggled between his spread-out legs and stared the man down. "Perhaps? You looked like a crazy person. Not everyone is going to leave you, Tay. Not everyone is like your parents." He moseyed to the large windows to draw the curtains. Darkness had taken hold of the skies. The sleepy stars roused to take the post.
"Sorry?"
"Don't apologize to me. You have nothing to be sorry for." New flopped onto his back next to Tay. He massaged the space between his furrowed brows until his face gradually relaxed. "There you go."
"Thank you. How are you feeling?"
He smiled. He was the happiest he had been in a long time. "Pretty good. You?"
"Pretty good." Tay parroted.
New laughed. Nudged Tay's dangling his feet with his. Tay bumped him back. He felt oddly pleased to be playing footsie with a husband he might soon divorce. "So Plowden huh?"
Tay huffed a tiny laugh. "You heard that too."
He hummed and turned on his side. "I did. You should be lucky they chose me."
Tay rolled to his side too. His eyes scoured News. "I am." He whispered.
"I have met Luke once. He is—uh he's kind of close with Joss. He is a good person." His heart ached just from saying it. "He will stay home with you on Friday nights. He will not talk back to you. And—," he smiled through the pain. "He is a dog person."
"I don't even know what the man looks like."
New laughed out loud. Though he would rather be weeping. In a universe similar to theirs but only in some ways, there was a New out there who did not meet Tay because his parents chose the Plowdens over the Techaapaikhuns.
"I know," he replied eventually. "Of course, you don't know what he looks like. You did not know who I was either."
Tay's face darkened. He lowered his gaze. Squeezes his brows. "Sorry, I should have read the folder. I should have been a little less stubborn."
"Do you think things would have been different if you did?"
"Yes," Tay answered quickly. "I went to that bar that night to regain some power over my life. Everything was spiraling out of control." He looked dispirited the more he spoke. "I was to be engaged to a stranger. That night, I thought I was in a safe space. Something I made for myself. If I had seen the man I was trying to escape from making a beeline for me in my safe space, I would have run the opposite way."
New bit his lips. He was unsure of how to approach the topic. It was still a sensitive subject between them. "If you had, I wouldn't have met the Tay I met that night. This is why I did not want to apologize for what I did? It helped me see you." He folded their hands together. "Tay, I am sorry."
Tay shut his eyes with a small sigh. They were glassy when he opened them. A smile lit up his face. Almost as if he had waited so long to hear it. A terrible feeling flooded New's guts. He should have apologized from the start seeing how much the apology meant to the man. It highlighted just how tremendously lacking he must be in Tay's eyes.
"Sorry I lied to you. I should have come clean after you brought down your walls. I dragged the ruse longer than necessary because honestly," He cleared his throat to strengthen his shaky voice. "I was terrified, Tay." He admitted. "I was afraid that you would run away from the real me.
"I was going to confess. I swear I was, but whenever I felt ready to come clean, you said something unkind about me. You did not like the real me and that made me reluctant to confess. The truth would have put an abrupt end to our night. I did not want it to. Tawan—," It was hard to see Tay's face with tears filmed over his eyes.
"Damn stupid tears," He rubbed his eyes. "Fuck, this is stupid. I just—I'm sorry about lying. You thought you found something special. And it turned out to be just me. I am sorry."
Tay shook his head. Stroked a thumb over New's knuckles. "Thank you for the apology. But you're wrong about so many things. I was angry and I had every right to be. I trusted you. I had never met anyone like you. I—liked you, New. And when I realized it was all a joke to you, that you may not have felt anything I did, it hurt.
"I have been wronged by people I loved and trusted all my life. It had been one manipulation after the other. I threw you into that category and didn't give us the chance to make this work."
He pulled their joint hands to his chest. His heart throbbed against New's hand. "I am stubborn, maybe too stubborn." His eyes were sincere. Clear. He looked like Tay from that night. "I have been pushing you to apologize but I never apologized for all the things I said about you on that night. They were disrespectful to you and us. I shouldn't have."
New did not realize how much he needed to hear that until Tay said it out loud. He lied but his husband was not entirely free from blame. He had already cried in front of Tay one too many times. He did not want to do it again. Nonetheless, he finally felt understood. Heard. Like his feelings amounted to something.
"Fuck, it felt good to hear that." He tried to keep his voice calm and failed terribly. "I don't want to be a cry baby but—damn," a hick. "I promise I'm not this much of a crier." He attempted a joke. A stubborn lone tear ran down the ridge of his nose. "Tay—," He croaked. Buried his face in Tay's chest. The man pulled him closer. A gentle hand smoothed his back.
"It's okay to cry," he mumbled into New's hair. "You've been trying from the start. I was just set in my ways. I was hell-bent on protecting myself and mistreated you in the process."
"But I hurt you too." New gazed up at him with lachrymose eyes.
"We hurt each other."
"I'm not a cry baby." He sniffed.
"You mentioned that."
"The tears just won't stop." And they didn't. "I think I've been holding it in for too long. You have been horrible to me, Tawan."
"So have you."
New smiled despite his pain. "I have, haven't I?"
Tay huffed. "You've been the absolute worst."
"But it was fun though, right? We had fun."
"Sometimes. When I didn't want to put a bullet through your head—or mine."
"You hated me that much?"
"It's not hate. It's just—you have been an infernal pain in the ass."
New laughed. He wiped the tears from his eyes. "So have you. Literally and metaphorically."
Tay groaned.
**
Sharing meals in the upstairs living room had always been an intimate experience. It was just them without the eyes and ears of the staff. The atmosphere today was forebodingly quiet. Save the sound of Tay's knife tearing angrily into the ham. The muffled chewing. And the clink of cutlery against the plates.
The food tasted like ashes in New's mouth. They were nearing the end. It was obvious. "Real life is humbling."
Tay set his fork down. "What brought on this epiphany?"
"Us, this. I had a different ending planned for us."
Tay smiled. It was a dull thing that failed to reach his beautiful eyes. "Did it involve riding a chariot through Bangkok traffic to catch you before you get on your flight?"
The memory made him laugh. He had been so intent on getting Tay to like him to the degree of pissing him off. "Something similar."
"Life is not a movie. It would be incredibly boring if it were."
"It would have been nice though. To know someone wants you that much."
"I guess so." Tay gazed out the window. A reflective look found a home in his unusually quiet eyes. The outside lights made it impossible to see the stars from this angle. It was quite a shame. New could use the calmness they exude right about now. Tay looked back at him. Smiled. "So what now, what are your plans for when all of this is over?"
I don't know. Maybe die?
New shrugged. He pushed his plate aside. Enough of the ashes. He folded his hands on the table. "I don't know. What about you?"
He gave it a brief thought. "I don't know either."
"These buildings are signed under the Techaapaikhun name. So I guess the first thing I'll do is buy a penthouse or a small townhouse for me and my orange tabby."
"You have a cat?"
"No, not yet. I'm thinking of getting one for companionship."
"You mentioned you liked cats on the night we met. I'm sorry I said I didn't care what you liked."
New brushed it off with a short laugh. "You met a cute guy you wanted to impress."
Tay's smile almost reached his eyes this time. "He is cute though, isn't he?"
"Too cute to make sense."
His upper lip lifted slightly in amusement. His forefinger ran along the condensation on the juice pitcher. "I think I know what I want to do." He whispered. "I want to go to Bora Bora. Maybe live there for a few months or a year. I went there once at age 20 and I liked it. It was what I visualized paradise would be like."
It took everything to keep a neutral face as Tay talked. Separating was one thing but moving away to a different continent was another. There went his plans of arranging 'accidental' run-ins with the man. "That sounds peaceful."
"It's too bad though." His eyes explored the living room. Then moved back to New's face. "I was getting attached to this house."
"Even without our parents' pettiness, you would have had to leave after the divorce".
It came out rougher than he intended. But he needed to know where they stood. Tay's plans for the future did not sound like they included him at all. Nobody understood the ordinances of casual sex like himself. That they had sex—great sex did not mean things were any different from before. Even so, he had hoped for a new start. A better one with more communication and unrestrained feelings.
How derisory, that he was restraining his feelings at this very moment.
Tay was quiet. His finger stopped the mindless tracing for a second. He thinned his lips. Then continued the action. "I guess you're right," he said. "I was going to leave eventually."
"Dr. Neng is single." New blurted. He cringed inwardly but his lips did not stop the word vomit. "You make each other laugh. You could explore what's there after everything." He avoided Tay's eyes. He looked instead at the grain of rice stuck to the edge of his abandoned plate.
"Neng is just a friend."
"They say the best relationships start with friendship."
"And Joss? Will you go back to him?"
"I don't want Joss." I want you. "Joss is a good friend. But we ended a long time ago and I am not interested in fanning that flame."
Tay swallowed with a nod. "Someone else then. Someone whose interests are more similar to yours."
"Maybe. I don't know."
"You can have that cinematic ending you want."
"Maybe." He repeated. His throat was clogged. He bit the insides of his cheeks to stifle the tears. Tay had seen him cry four times already. That was more than he ever cried in a year.
"It's been an honor to take this journey with you," Tay said. "You were a difficult adversary and an even better partner."
"Don't say it like you're dying."
"It kind of feels like an end."
He smiled through tear foggy eyes. "It has been an honor too. Who knows? One day we'll meet again at an airport—,"
Tay frowned. "An airport again?"
New waved in Tay's face as if to clear the image from his mind. "Okay, we will meet in New York, Times Square. It is a thick crowd but there's a clear path. And we are standing at the extreme opposite ends."
Tay was attentive. "Mhmm?"
"Time slows down when our eyes meet. It is magical. There are beautiful fireworks." He chuckled. "There are singing birds and dancing squirrels. I run to you in slow motion and sweep you off your feet. An enormous chariot powered by white Friesian stallions appears out of nowhere. We hop on and ride off into the sunset."
"What happens to the singing birds and dancing squirrels?" Tay's smile was pale.
"They follow us all the way."
"Like a movie."
New nodded, expelling a tear. "Yeah," he choked. "Just like that."
FIN!