It's been 3 days.
3 agonizing & painful days for Hoseok.
He hasn't seen or heard of Yoongi. He misses him so much but his pride will never allow him to raise a simple question of 'where is Yoongi hyung?'.
Hoseok was glancing outside of the window still thinking about his guardian.
Yoongi absence became the only thing that roams Hoseok's mind, and his sweetness is the one thing Hoseok's soul yearns for. His young heart was in ache as if it carries a lifetime of pain and misery.
What type of feelings are these?
This restless waiting and constant yearning,
His skin that needs Yoongi's touch.
His lips that are thirsty for the kiss they never had,
All his sleepless nights are for Yoongi,
All his waking thoughts were for Yoongi,
It is clarity or madness?
It is an affliction or a blessing?
and the more he asks the more he became certain that he had fallen in love with Yoongi, but the only question that remains was,
does he love me too?
Hoseok almost snort and scowl at the stupid thoughts!
I don't love him and it goes the same for hyung. we are in a dad-son relationship. he'd never feel that way for me and neither do I. These thoughts are here because he is not here. It's nothing else for sure.
He wishes for one thing, after so many days if Yoongi came back he would consider Hoseok's request of joining a college.
There are so many things he wants to do, so much that he could do.
He wishes he was more vocal and able to communicate how he felt or what he want to, but he can't help back by his fear of stepping out of the line.
He wasn't always like this but the pressure of Yoongi and his father's business have made him constantly doubt himself.
He doesn't know what he is capable of and how he can ever find this out.
He wishes he was smarter, more like Yoongi more brave and more stronger, Like he was used to be when he was a kid.
he wishes he was more social, had friends like he would have one if his life was easier.
He wishes he was normal. he wish he could go to school like all other kids.
Joke around with friends and hang out after class. he wish he could focus on studies and tests and plan his future. which degree he wants to pursue and which college he wants to apply it.
He wish his biggest worries were getting a bad rate or embarrassing himself in front of the boy he likes.
But he was imprisoned in a golden cage.
He was still angry at Yoongi but it doesn't mean that he can't enjoy his touches right or was that wrong?
dammit hyung stop confusing me.
He can't forgive Yoongi so easily, he want to, but it hurt. Besides, he hasn't actually heard an apology from Yoongi yet.
Just a little 'sorry' was it too much to ask?
Hoseok was in deep thoughts when he heard the tapping of high heels. When he turned around he saw luna coming toward his way. Hoseok frowns, if Yoongi wasn't with luna then where did he go?!?
When luna came near Hoseok. He noticed the dark circles under her eyes, her cheeks were shallow, she looked pale. It worried him.
"Noona are you ok!?" Hoseok asked in concern. Luna was always well dressed and a collected classy lady, if she looks like this then something must be wrong.
"I'm fine hobi how are you? Did you eat something?" She asked smiling at Hoseok but her smile didn't reach her crescent eyes. Hoseok sensed that something must have happened but he didn't ask her, not wanting to pressurize her, he only nodded.
"Good boy", she said patting Hoseok on the head. She has always seen Hoseok as her younger brother. Even though Hoseok was her love rival but she never hold any grudge toward him.
Of course how can she,
She doesn't have a heart of hating this adorable ball of sunshine. He literally grew up in front of her eyes.
After some uncomfortable moments of silence she spoke in a light tone "I heard this from agust that you were mad at him. I already know the reason. I'm just asking Did you forgive him hobi?" her gaze wasn't as soft as it used to be. Hoseok looked like he was in combat within himself, not knowing if he should say yes or no.
"What if I say I forgive him. Will he come back?" Hoseok solicited lowly looking at the floor, too afraid to glance at luna, afraid that she might sees the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes.
"You wouldn't forgive him that easily right? But think about it hobi at the end of the day our abusers are people too and I want you to know there is no shame in remembering the good times you shared with them, alongside the bad. the hurt they caused might have devastated you but it does not diminish the good. you are allowed to feel both in every way, intensity and fear that works for you." Luna defend Yoongi. Trying to say out a logical explanation.
She knows that Yoongi is hella strict but he genuinely care for Hoseok.
"You didn't answer my question. Will he come back?" Hoseok asked again stubbornly. Looking straight at luna's emotionless eyes.
"do you want him to?" Luna questioned wanting to hear an honest answer from Hoseok.
Confusingly Hoseok asked "what?"
"Do you want him to come back? Here again?-Didn't you say you want him dead?" Luna said her voice getting louder with each word.
It hurt Hoseok to hear those words. He clenched his fist tightly, His nails digging in his flesh.
Hoseok bite his lips. hanging his head low in shame and at the disappointment in luna voice. he shook his head for several moments finding the right words to use, to try and make any reason that sound less pitiable.
He took a deep breath trying to calm down the ache in his heart but it wouldn't go away.
Luna came near hoseok. She picked his chin up. Her expression were both cold and sad. She whispered to Hoseok. "Well congratulations Mr.Jung Hoseok. He granted this wish of yours. He's dying" She laughed like a maniac.
"Congratulations hobi, agust is dying. That fucker is dying."
YOONGI POV
Here i am laying on the bed... for how long I don't know. how many days has it been? And how long do i have to stay here? I miss you hobi i hope you're doing well.
Are you eating well?
Is Miss.Anna cooking delicious food for you?
Is joon doing his duty?
Did you learned the new steps your dance teacher showed you?!
I hope you aren't creating more problems for your teachers.
I wish i could see you again.
Here laying in this bed my whole life has came In front of my eyes like a flash.
All the things I did to you and to me. I regret it all. I'm sorry I was too scared to give you freedom. Luna was right we don't imprison the people we love.
It took me a long time to realize that not everything can be approached with closed fist.
Not every monster can be fought with their chest and clenched teeth.
For me this realization was an important step in making progress with my situation with you.
I think there is a tendency particularly amongst men, to try and tough it out, to puff out the chest and pretend nothing can hurt us.
I try to deal with it this way for a long time.
I keep my mouth shut with a smile and make out that everything was okay but i was wrong. some battles must be fought with open hands.
Luna came few hours ago. She told me she knows that I can hear and feel everything. She said she will ask you for my forgiveness. She is a good friend. I'm lucky to have her.
But I wonder If I lived, Will you forgive me? You said you want me to die, did you really mean it hobi?
Do you hate me?
Do you?
as the things I say seems of no worth to win your heart.
I don't know why but I'm hopeful about us. something I should never hope about, but you might be unaware of the fights i have and wars I wage within myself so I could keep the love I have for you at bay.
I heard the door of my hospital room open, someone's approaching me with steady steps.
This scent
This scent belongs to you hobi. Is that you?
Is that really you?
Who allow you to get here? Is Namjoon by your side or you came alone? I ordered joon not to tell you, this idiot.
But I'm happy that you came later. they probably have cleaned my blood.
You would freak out if you saw blood.
But why are you quiet? I'm sorry I can't see anything but I can feel your beautiful eyes on me.
I can sense the hurt and pain that is coming out of every pore of your body.
Am I in that much bad condition?
I hear your cries that were louder than my car crash. You are balling your eyes out while you put your head on my chest.
Ohh how much I missed this.
you getting close to me makes my icy cold body warm.
My sunshine
Mi amor.
"Yoonie look at me" you cried "YOONIE"
You screamed, you plead and you yelled.
But i didn't answer, I didn't move, I didn't react and maybe you would think I didn't even hear.
Your sobs echo in the deadly silence magnified a thousandfold by the stillness of tragedy.
My heart shattering to pieces from your cries,
"NO YOONIE WAKE UP PLEASE" you begged.
"YOONGI LOOK AT ME IM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING" you said and I internally frowned. why are you saying sorry you never did anything wrong. It should be me who should seek your forgiveness.
"I FORGIVE YOU NOW PLEASE WAKE UP I-I CAN'T-" you weren't able to complete your sentence too tired from screaming and crying. I'm sorry you have to see this day because of me.
"Please wake up and hug me, soak my tears... see hyung I'm crying... your hobi is crying" you put my rough hand on your soft cheek. I felt the wetness. ohh how badly I wanted to remove them but my body wasn't in my control. I couldn't move a muscle. I was paralyzed.
you shouldn't cry for me. I'm not worthy of your tears. You should hate me.
I want to ask you do you hate me? So I wonder to myself every day in this hospital bed. do you hate me for never walking away and standing at one page?
I crave forgiveness from you, and I'll lay it gently at your feet one day. You might be able to take it when it comes to those you love, forgiveness is immediate.
I always held it in front of me with upturned palms...but I have never extended the same emergency to my own sins.
In truth, I'm not sure I have ever forgiven myself for anything. I don't know where this readiness to punish myself comes from.
I regret everything but the only thing i will never regret is loving you but my love wasn't what you settled for.
But I promise you once I get out of here I'll give you, your life back I promise my sunshine.
I promise
Mi amor.
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