Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use.
Josiah's P.O.V.
-Friday, November 12th-
I pull my sleeves over my hands, watching Damien intently.
He's been sitting with me for around an hour.
I don't know why he isn't leaving now, but I don't know why he left earlier, either.
When I got into his car... I thought he was going to kill me. Then he started yelling and I prepared myself as much as I could for whatever he was going to do.
But I wasn't prepared for him to leave.
We tried calling him and he didn't answer, and...
I thought he killed himself.
As soon as he left, all I could do was freak out. Screaming and crying and doing nothing to help with anything, as usual.
Because all I do is ruin things.
But Damien doesn't want to get mad because he doesn't want me to be scared.
I did exactly what he told me not to do.
Why won't he just beat me up so I don't have to panic anymore?
This is all just building up. It's going to be really bad...
If I cross the line again...
We'll see.
I'm not usually wrong when predicting behavior.
I can't even talk to him about it. Because he gets so defensive about everything and acts like every analysis on him is a problem, like I'm complaining.
Whatever he does is okay. As long as he doesn't kill himself.
I scrape my nails along the back of my hand.
I wish he would just go out and talk to Pierre. I wish he would leave me alone so I wouldn't have to worry about him being here.
He tries to change the ways I calm myself down a lot.
He doesn't like me hurting myself.
It doesn't make sense.
"..." I stop and clench my fists instead, figuring he probably can't see it this way, "Damien...?"
"What's up?"
"Do you wanna move now?"
"No, thank you."
"Aren't you bored?"
"No. I'm listening to music. It's nice to just relax for a second. Actually, I have something for you."
There's something wrong with him.
"I don't want..." I mutter, trailing off.
"Dog of the day!" He announces.
I sigh. "Okay...?"
"Today we have a Dalmatian. They're polkadotty and I love them very much. If I had one, I would name it Stripe, 'cause irony." He holds his phone out to me.
"Aren't they born without spots?" I recall.
I loved animal books...
"They are? That's cool. I didn't know that."
"Yeah. I want a newborn one so we don't know what it'll end up looking like."
"That would be cool. Who knows what kind of pattern we would get?"
"A spotted one, but yeah." I smile a bit.
"...I meant the kind of spots. I didn't mean it was going to come out like... plaid." He chuckles
"Oh my gosh. You're so dumb. I love you so much." I laugh at him.
A plaid dog. That would be impressive.
I want one!
"I love you, too. Maybe if we got a white one it would have stripes like a zebra. How cool would that be?"
"Would lose the irony of the name Stripe."
"Then we would just call it Spot. Or Giraffe."
"You're a giraffe."
"No! I'm pretty much an average height really."
"No... I'm almost average height. You're a giraffe."
"Like 95% of the guys in our school are six foot, and I'm just about four inches taller than that. Really not that tall."
"Four inches is a lot. And you're like, half a foot more than average then. The only reason you think everyone is tall is because you hung out with the big scary people!" I point out.
"Maybe," He muses, "I'm a normal height and you and everyone else is small."
"Okay, giraffe."
"Okay... What's a short animal? Um... Okay, hamster." He giggles. "You would be one of those cute punching ones. I would make you tiny burritos...without lettuce. Have you seen those videos?"
"What videos...? Also, no. I haven't seen anything in a long time, really."
"Can I sit beside you and show you? People make tiny food and sit their hamsters at tables and then they eat it and it's so fucking cute."
"Damien..." I sigh, "Can I be honest with you for a second?"
"I can just hand you the phone. It's fine."
"No, not that. I feel better now. I just... I'm blind."
"Oh. I knew that. But like...how blind?"
"You know how you really, really like showing me things on your phone?"
"Yeah? Oh. You can't see them... How many dogs have you pretended to see?"
"All of them. All of the dogs, Damien."
"Well. They're all cute. And trust me. The hamster, also very cute."
I rub my eyes. "That makes me very sad." I inform him.
"Well, maybe we could visit a shelter one day and then you could feel all the cute dogs... and if you want, I can stop Dog Of The Day."
"No. Dog Of The Day is my favorite. Just sometimes I think about all the things I'm missing out on and...yeah. I don't even get to know what you look like. The person I love..." I pull my sleeves over my hands again and pick at my skin.
I don't like thinking about that.
"Hey. I can't pretend to imagine how much that sucks. But trust me. You're better off not seeing me. It's kinda nice being with someone who doesn't just like how I look."
"People like you for how you look?" I question.
Yeah. I knew that. I hate the reminder, though.
It always runs through my head that there's a million other people he could be with at any given moment, but all I ever will have and had was him. It will always be just him for me. I don't think he realizes that.
"Some people. But it doesn't matter. I wish I could make you feel better about it. But I can't." He says sadly.
I want a hug.
"I'm really sorry for telling Pierre. I wanted him to know so he could protect you and encourage you to not do it. I know I'm not enough to stop you, and I'm sorry about that, too." I tell him.
"I get telling Pierre. I'm not mad anymore. He's being kinda controlling about it, but again, I get where you guys are coming from. And you are enough. You're more than enough. I'm still here, aren't I? I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that I don't still think about it, but..." He sighs and pauses a moment before saying quietly, "I'm not going to."
"Please don't...and I really wanted you to have someone you could talk to about it. Someone who won't freak out like I do."
"If you want me to, I'll quit bringing it up around you. I don't want to make it worse for you...?"
"I don't want you to have to lie, or hide things... I just always feel like it's my fault and I can't fix you, but other people can." I pull my knees up tightly against my chest.
"Maybe they can. But it's not on you to try and fix me."
"If someone else could, then..." I fight back tears, "I'm sorry. I... I was really afraid of how mad you would be today and that I made you upset."
"Can I hold your hand?" He asks softly.
I shake my head no. "I want hugs."
He hugs me gently. "I'm not mad. I get it now. You're just trying to protect me. It really put it in perspective when I was laying at home yesterday, and I thought about if this was all turned around, and you were suicidal. And... I'm so sorry. If I could make my brain shut up, I would."
"I'm not... I don't want to kill myself."
At least, I don't think I do.
I don't want to die. I want to disappear. Or to have never existed at all.
So many people would have been better off.
If there was a god, I would have been his biggest mistake.
"It's not something you have to worry about. Even if it was, you wouldn't understand what it's like for me to lose you." I add.
"It would be like if I lost you. The point is, I'm sorry, Josiah."
"What are you apologizing for...?" I ask.
"Trying to leave you behind. I was confused and upset but I never should have tried to leave you. You shouldn't leave the people you love."
"Are you really sure...that you love me?"
"Josiah. It's the only thing I am sure about. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know I'll have you, and that's all that matters."
"Okay... I, uh... I thought you were going to k-kill me today." I snuggle up against him.
He rests his chin on my head. "No. I couldn't kill you. You're too important to me... I couldn't kill anyone actually. For the record. I tried." He laughs bitterly.
"Oh. Right... I'm just always s-scared, really. Everyone lies all the time, and everyone I've ever met h-hates me, and..." I start mumbling.
This isn't about me. Just because I fuck things up doesn't mean I can make his life about me.
We're talking about his life.
"Not everyone."
"The only other people who ever did left b-because of me, and when you left today... The only good I've had for a very long time seemed to disappear entirely. I didn't think y-you would come back. And if you c-came back, I didn't think you would want hugs. I thought you would want to shoot me. I c-can't predict you."
"Well, I almost always want hugs. And I won't leave like that without talking to you first. I'm sorry...I have a lot to apologize for."
"Me, too."
I pull back enough to take his face between my hands.
He's such a good person and he doesn't even realize it.
And I can't convince him.
Because I exist to ruin things, not to encourage positive growth for others' mental states.
"I-I'm just going to s-say sorry for existing at this point." I force a smile at him.
He gently reaches forward and wipes a tear from my cheek. "Don't apologize for existing. I know we've had a hard...well, a hard forever. But I know that we can be happy. Someday."
"I'm s-sorry for that, t-too. I can't be happy for too long. I'm n-not...allowed." I sigh.
"We'll figure it out. Let's just focus on being...okay. We can work on happy later." He pulls me closer and hugs me tightly.
I play with his hair a bit.
Okay.
Just try to be okay.
He'll try not to want to die, and I'll...
I'm not sure where to start.
"Where do I start with that?" I question, dropping my hands again..
"Right here. With hugs and Dog Of The Day, and everything good."
"I'm still scared, though." I murmur.
I can't get rid of that.
I can't be happy. I can't be okay.
I'll always be afraid and useless.
"Maybe someday you won't be." He murmurs against me.
"You're more optimistic than I am." I remark.
I never expect that from him.
He's erratic.
"It's better than crying. I'm just hoping the more I say stuff like that, the more I'll believe it."
I'll pretend to believe it if it helps him so much.
"Yeah, I guess we'll be okay, then we'll be happy."
Bullshit.
It hurts to even say.
"Thank you." He says simply.
"What do we do now? Are we...staying here? Do we need to run away to somewhere out of the state? Do we need fake identities?"
He laughs, "No. No more running. I think I want to get a job and hopefully find us our own place. Maybe get my GED. We can be alone, just us. But for now, I'm going to focus on fixing things with Pierre."
"Is Pierre mad at you?"
"Yeah. But he won't be for long. He's just scared."
"...Is he mad at me?" I add softly.
"No! Why would he be mad at you? He likes you."
"I made you guys mad at each other." I point out.
That, and again, everyone in my life either hates me or leaves me.
"You didn't. He needed to know. I should have manned up and told him. We'll work it out. Don't worry about it."
I don't think he likes that I even asked that.
I know they're mad. That's the worst thing.
"Okay... Is it bedtime yet?"
"If you want it to be. It's only seven."
"It's bedtime." I tell him.
"Want me to carry you?" He offers.
"I can't get up." I say.
He gets up, taking me with him as if I weigh nothing. He sits me on the bed and then lays down beside me, not touching me.
I lay back and run my hands through my hair.
It's been a long day.
"You should go talk to Pierre." I tell him.
"Right now?" He groans, "But...bedtime."
"My bedtime. You're a big kid." I correct.
"I don't want to be a big kid. I want to go to bed early." He pouts.
"Get out of the bed."
"Jesus. Okay." He says, getting up, "Sorry."
Damn.
I want hugs.
"Go talk to him then come back."
Maybe we can do bed hugs...?
No. I need to stop thinking that.
I'll never be able to handle it.
"Fine. Enjoy your bedtime." He says, leaving.
...I should try harder.
End