Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use.
Damien's P.O.V.
-Friday, November 12th-
After I drop Josiah off at school, I head back to Pierre's house, not sure what else I can do.
I've contemplated going back to school, but everytime I bring it up to him, he immediately shuts it down.
He still doesn't want me driving him.
Which is understandable, but still...
As convinced as I was a few days ago about killing myself... Now, I'm really not so sure...
It's always an option, I suppose.
What's living going to hurt...other than him?
Now that I'm not at home and don't have to deal with the business stuff...
I don't know.
When I get back to Pierre's, to my surprise, he's still home... Normally he'd be gone by now.
Why would he be home...?
Maybe he took the day off.
He better not expect me to hang out with him, I want to just sleep or drink or something.
I get inside and as soon as I do, I see that Pierre is sitting on the couch, staring at the T.V...
But it's not on.
"Hey...?" I say, and he looks over at me.
"Damien. Come sit down."
He looks super serious.
I hesitantly sit down. "What's going on?"
He sighs. "This is hard to talk about, and I just want you to know that I'm here for you, but I need to know...did you try to..." He stops.
He knows.
Fuck.
I play stupid. "Try what?"
I don't know how he things he's going to handle this...
"Did you try to kill yourself?" He asks, saying it more like a statement than a question.
I stand up. I'm not talking about this. "Are you serious?"
"So you did." He sounds deflated, as if I've drained him.
"I didn't say that." I cross my arms, contemplating just running out the front door.
But I have nowhere else to go.
Nowhere left to run.
"You didn't have to say it, Damien. The way you've been acting the past few months... It's pretty obvious something is up."
Shit.
"What if I did? I'm here now, aren't I?"
Maybe not for long...
"Damien, I love you, and I don't want to see you do anything like that. Thank god you're still here..." He gets up, and looks as if he wants to hug me.
I step back. "Don't touch me."
He looks hurt.
I don't want to hurt him.
"So, you know. I tried to jump off the school a couple days ago, now what? It hasn't changed fucking anything."
"I need to know you're not going to do it again."
I look at the floor and say nothing.
"Damien..."
"I'm going to go lay down. I didn't sleep, like, at all last night." I say quietly.
"You're not going anywhere until you promise me you're not going to do it again!"
I drag my eyes up to meet his.
"I..."
I can't.
I want to...but I can't.
He's crying.
Shit.
I can't handle this.
I walk off and Pierre calls after me.
I go in the room and shut the door behind me, locking it.
I can't do this...
I curl up into a ball on the bed and stare at the room, putting my earbuds in and tapping loudly, it doesn't matter, Josiah isn't here.
I wonder why it bothers him so much...
But more importantly, I wonder what I'm going to do.
Do I really want to die?
...
At three, I get my shoes and coat on to go get Josiah.
When I leave the room, I see that Pierre's in the kitchen.
I try to sneak past him, but he hears me.
"Damien?" He leans in the doorway separating the kitchen and living room. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Um, going to go get Josiah?"
"No, you're not leaving."
I'm... what?
"Why the fuck not?" I snap at him.
He looks at me silently for a moment before continuing, "Because I can't lose you."
"You don't have a choice!" I stuff my hands in my pockets, "It's not up to you!"
"I'm not letting you leave."
"Oh? And you think you can stop me?"
He goes over to the door and stands in front of it.
"Pierre, don't make me move you." I threaten.
"I'm not afraid of you, Damien."
"You should be! So what if I fucking kill myself?! You only took care of me because you got paid to. Don't act like you care!"
He looks shocked.
Rightfully so. I'm being an asshole.
I'm tired of everyone thinking they can just push me around.
"Don't say that!" He finally snaps "How could..."
"Save your bullshit for someone else! Quit trying to parent me! You're not my dad!"
"Damien..."
I push past him and get in my car.
He doesn't try to stop me again.
Good.
I quickly drive over to the school and wait on Josiah.
As soon as he gets in the car I turn up the music a bit, not wanting to talk.
I glance over at him and immediately turn it back down.
He looks...terrified.
"Josiah? What happened? Did someone hurt you...?"
If any of those assholes even laid a finger on him...
Just another reason I have to stay.
"I'm s-sorry."
"Sorry? About what?"
"Pierre..."
...Oh.
OH.
"You told him?" I ask quietly.
"I-I... You...didn't know?" He stammers.
"No, I didn't fucking know! He said he figured it out on his own... So you're both working against me now? Is that it?!" I grip the steering wheel tightly.
"No...?"
"You said you told him! How could you do that?! You promised!"
"I know."
"Then why the fuck did you tell him?!" My hands start shaking. I grip the wheel tighter.
"I wasn't t-trying to... It w-was an accident."
"How the hell did you tell him on accident?!"
If he really cared he wouldn't have...
"Because...m-my dream."
"Your dream? What are you talking about?" I try to breathe...
Try to calm down a bit...
He's shaking so much, and tears are flowing down his face.
I think he feels bad enough about it as is.
"I had t-to t-tell him about m-my dream be...because I-I need him to keep you s-safe."
I lean my head back against the seat. "That's not your job. Stop worrying about it already. I don't need a babysitter!'
"I know! I-I'm sorry."
I calm down a bit before starting the car.
I drive back in silence.
I park and unclick my seatbelt.
He does too, and as soon as he gets out and shuts the door, I drive away.
I watch him in the rearview mirror.
Pierre runs out of the house to him.
Good. He'll take care of him.
I drive with no destination.
I just needed a second alone, is that so much to fucking ask.
My phone starts ringing off the hook.
I ignore it.
I need a drink.
I find the nearest store and get a few bottles of whiskey.
I just need to relax for a second...
I take them back to my car and stare at my phone.
Josiah's calling me...again.
Fuck both of them.
But... I can't stay here.
I can't run forever.
That's all I do.
Run.
And I really can't leave Josiah.
As much as I love the idea of dying...
I can't leave him.
I love him more.
....I love him more then that.
I let the fact that I'm not going to kill myself sink in for a moment.
It's been my plan for so long...
It's weirdly freeing.
Despite that being my freedom plan this whole time.
Now I just...exist.
I drive back to Pierre's, not bothering to hide the bottles as I bring them in.
As soon as I park outside his house, Pierre drives up from the other direction, quickly parking in his driveway and rushing up to me.
"What the fuck, Damien?! I was looking all over for you..." He stares at the bottles in my arms but says nothing.
I stay outside my car, not ready to talk to anyone.
...If Pierre is cursing, there's a problem.
"I can't leave for three fucking seconds?! I don't see what the big deal is!"
"You don't...?!" He sighs, "You don't see What the big deal is?! We thought you were going to go kill yourself!"
"Well, I didn't. So leave me the fuck alone. Worry about yourself. Not me."
I don't see Josiah with him.
I remember what he said about...if I killed myself, he would, too.
"Where's Josiah?!" I ask him suddenly. If he thinks...
Fuck.
"What? I left him freaking out in the guest room..."
I walk past him toward the house.
"Damien, I'm not done..."
"Well, I am." I say going in the house and then to the room, shutting the door behind me.
I sit the bottles down beside my backpack, and I look around.
He's not here.
"Josiah?"
No response.
I go over to the closet and open it.
I kneel down beside him. His knees are to his chest and he's crying.
"Hey. I'm here. It's okay."
After a minute, he responds, "D-Damien? Why did y-you leave m-me?"
"I needed a second to think. I'm sorry. I should have said something." I can't imagine how scary this is for him.
I don't like scaring him.
"Are you m-mad?"
"...No. I don't think so. Not anymore."
He seems so upset about it there's really no need..."
"I'm sorry."
"I know, bud. It's okay. Really. I know that you didn't mean to. Why don't you come out?"
"No."
"Please? I'm sorry for yelling earlier. And for leaving...that was fucked up, even for me."
"No."
I sit down against the door frame, making sure to not touch him. "I guess we're staying here then."
"S-Stay away from m-me."
"Why? I'm not touching you."
"You're going t-to h-hurt me."
"No, I'm not. I won't hurt you Josiah. I never will. I love you."
Never again.
"I d-don't trust you."
Shit.
That hurt.
"That...makes sense. But hopefully someday you can."
I... I want him to trust me.
I don't want him to have to worry about me running off and killing myself.
"Go away."
"No."
"I s-said I'm sorry. Why are y-you s-still mad?"
"I'm not mad. I just don't think either of us should be alone right now."
"Close the d-door."
"I don't think that's a good idea. Plus, I'm not getting up."
He's shaking.
I wish he would let me hold him close.
There's nothing I want more than that right now.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't always trust you either."
He'll hurt himself. Pull his hair or something.
"I'm s-safe when the door is c-closed."
"You're safe here with the door open. No one's going to hurt you."
Except maybe you.
"You're g-going to..."
"No, I'm not." I put an earbud in and stop myself from tapping.
I just listen to the music, letting silence fall between us.
At least we're together.
Maybe that's all that matters.
Maybe he had a point...
END