Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use.
Josiah's P.O.V.
-Thursday, November 11th-
I haven't felt more awkward and out of place since Damien first had me staying at his house. It's just so, so strange to be living somewhere else again...and sleeping on a bed and eating whatever I want whenever I want... Really, it's still so much to take in.
Pierre seems nice, so that's a major bonus. He has always been kind and inviting toward me.
Still, I cling to Damien all day and say nothing to him, hating the change in environment.
I don't like the idea of ever letting him go.
Everything is so scary with him being like this...
I just...need him so much. I still don't think he realizes that.
It's some time late at night, after trying to sleep and just worrying about him and needing him, that I decide to go get him.
I don't think it's really safe to let him stay out here on his own. Maybe if I tell Pierre what happened, he'll agree. But Damien didn't want me to, so I need to consider the fact that he would be genuinely upset if I gave him the full story.
Damien is asleep, passed out on the couch again.
He fell asleep earlier, too. Within like...five minutes.
I can't imagine how tired he must be.
...Maybe I should leave him alone...?
"Damien," His name slips out of me, so it's too late to turn back and I crouch down by the couch and grab his shoulder, "Hey, can you come stay with me, at least for tonight?"
He doesn't budge, so I shake him a bit and repeat myself a couple times as he awakens.
"What?" He questions in a groggy voice.
"I'm scared. I don't want to sleep alone. Come with me."
"M'kay." He mumbles and gets up, half asleep.
I snatch his hand immediately and shift behind him a bit, pressing closely against him. He doesn't seem to notice or care.
He drops down onto the bed as soon as we are in the room.
"I'm not going to be able to sleep..." I mutter knowingly, laying down as far away as possible.
He doesn't reply.
I'm pretty sure he is already sound asleep again. Good. I didn't disturb his sleep too much.
...Who am I kidding? I can't stand the silence right now.
That's a major reason why he's here. That, and I don't want him to run off or anything.
"Damien, c-can we please talk for a little bit?" I whine, pulling on his shirt.
"But I'm sleeping...." He whines right back, burning his face into the pillow
"I can't sleep, though! I'm scared and I don't know what we're doing anymore. I-I just got used to being at your house and c-calling it home, and I... I don't want to be here." I wish I had the ability to stop complaining.
That would be great.
After all, I know Damien is doing the best he can.
"Hey." He says, "Don't worry about it. I'm going to figure all of this out okay? All you have to do is get up tomorrow and go to school. Alright? "
"I don't want to go to school." I claim.
It's not true. At all. All I want to do is go back to school and never have to deal with anything else ever again.
"Yes, you do. I'm going to start looking at places to stay tomorrow. And start looking for a job. The sooner I start the sooner we can quit being a burden on Pierre."
"Then it'll just be us? ...Just you and me?" I really like the sound of that... "And can't I get a job, too? And I can help you look for somewhere for us to stay!"
I'll do anything to not be useless. Like he said, right now, we're a burden.
"The best thing you can do right now is stay in school and keep your grades up so you can go to college and graduate. My grades are already fucked so it doesn't matter. I'll just study and take my GED later. If I drop out and get a job, it won't be a problem. And as for helping me find a place when I find one I like I will let you see it and approve of it first, okay?"
"Okay... Are you sure you don't need help with anything?"
I don't want to go to school without him. I know that, as soon as people realize he isn't there to protect me anymore, they'll destroy me.
And, if I don't tell Pierre, like he wants...then he could be gone in a moment's notice.
I can't keep him here when I'm not here.
And I'll miss him. A lot.
So much that I might end up crying...and that's just ridiculous.
Crying at school...
They're going to call me a pussy.
That one makes me upset because I don't know what it means. I still say it, though. I think I get the idea.
"If I do, I'll make sure to ask. I'll handle this. Don't worry about anything."
"I don't think I can stop worrying." I murmur, feeling him hug me tightly and start playing with my hair.
I shudder when I realize just how many things I have that I can worry about. All the things my brain think I should be worrying about 24/7. "There's so much going on, and it's one thing after the next and I c-can't deal with it..." I start to tell him.
"I know. And I promise I'm trying to fix it all as soon as I can. Soon enough, it will be just us and you won't have to worry about anything ever again."
"Are you sure?"
"...Yeah."
Bullshit.
He sounds the complete opposite of sure.
He sounds very unsure.
Or, better yet, he sounds very sure that he's fucking lying to me.
"Bullshit."
"What do you mean bullshit?"
"What do you mean what do I mean bullshit? Why do you think you can lie to me?"
"...What? I'm not lying."
"You don't want to fix things. You want to disappear. You want to make things worse."
"It won't make it worse. It will fix everything. You can't see it now, but you will. One day." He says quietly.
"I already haven't wanted to exist my whole life. What do you honestly think losing you would do to me? You're the only person who has ever made me even consider that I might be safe or happy at any given moment."
"I'm going back to the couch." He says sitting up, not answering me.
"NO. I wouldn't let you this close if I didn't really fucking need you, okay? Come here."
"Jesus Christ, okay." He says laying back down, still not touching me.
"Look at me."
"I don't want to." He mutters, presumably not looking at me.
"I swear. Look at me. Now."
"Fine! I'm looking at you."
"Okay. I'm going to kiss you one time then we're going to sleep. Is that good?"
"Sure."
I grab his shoulder gently and pull him closer, pecking his lips before going back to where I was.
"I love you. Goodnight." I tell him.
"I... I love you, too."
"Goodnight." I repeat.
"Night." He says, turning onto his side so his back is to me.
Good enough.
...
Next thing I know, it's a few hours later, and my heart is pounding in my chest. It's hard to breathe.
I look around even though I can't really see much of anything, trying to take in my surroundings.
It's all unfamiliar...
It's all an unfamiliar, scary blur.
I don't know where I am.
Where am I?!
Damn it...
"Damien!" I cry weakly, blindly grabbing for him.
My fingers find his shirt, curling into the material tightly.
I know it was just a dream, but... I can feel my father's fingers around my neck. As if he's actually here, and...
"It's okay. You're safe. You're here. With me. It was only a dream." Damien almost immediately starts comforting me.
I can't breathe...
"I-I... Damien, I can't..." I try.
I let go of him and put both hands over my mouth, choking out a sob.
I hate nightmares...so much...
"Can I hug you? Or do you not want to be touched?" He asks.
I rapidly shake my head no.
I have the sensations of my father touching me all over... I bet that any real touch right now would give me a heart attack.
I can't.
Especially not here.
I curl up, dropping my hands on to my lap and squeezing my eyes shut.
"I just n-needed to know that y-you're s-still here..." I say.
I can barely see him, and...
It's stressful.
"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He manages softly, sitting stiffly beside me, desperately trying not to touch me on the close quarters of the bed.
Bullshit. I can't believe that when he came so close to killing himself.
I can tell how tense he is. I should have kept my mouth shut and let him sleep.
"I'm sorry." I choke out, balling up my fists, digging my fingernails into my palms.
I wait until it goes numb and cross my arms instead, curling my hands around my forearms and tightening as much as I could.
After a moment, I become pretty sure that I broke through skin, but I ignore it and don't stop.
"I-I'm sorry... I know that it...it isn't r-real anymore..." I mumble through tears.
"Josiah, relax your hands. You're bleeding." He says softly.
I bite my lip and shake my head again. "I can't." I reply, clenching my fists harder.
It's relaxing, in some way.
Like pulling my hair.
It hurts and I don't like it at all, but it gets rid of the anxiety and it's the only way I know how to do that.
"Josiah," He starts, his voice sounding worried, "Please stop. Please."
I dig further into skin before stopping, as told. I flex my fingers for a moment, trying to calm down, but it doesn't work.
Naturally, my hands go for my head, fingers twisting into my hair.
I swear that I can feel my father's touch on my thighs...
I pull harder.
"M-Make it s-s-stop..." I cry weakly.
"...Stop hurting yourself. Please..." I can't see his face, but he sounds scared.
I stare at him for a moment.
"Why can't I-I stop?" I ask, leaning my back against the headboard, "I c-can't s-stop it..."
Every time I stop, even for a second, the anxiety spikes and I feel like I'm about to explode.
I can feel some blood trickle down along my arm.
"It hurts m-my h-heart when I s-stop doing it..." I press one hand to my chest, the other still in my hair.
This is horrifying.
The idea of being in so much pain again...
I hate it. But I'm always reminded of how much I deserve it.
I deserve pain.
Damien should beat me for waking him up...
"I'm s-scared."
"I'm here." He says weakly, as if he doesn't know what else he can do. I don't think he can do much else...
I spend a while trying to catch my breath and remind myself of what's really going on.
I'm here with Damien.
Everything is okay when I'm with him.
Because even when things hurt, and even if he ever is the one to hurt me...
It's okay because I deserve it.
It's okay because I'll still be with him.
And I need him now.
":..C-Can I have a hug now?" I ask, dropping my hands.
I'm still shaking and my mind won't calm down at all, but... I don't feel like I'm going to flinch away from his touch anymore.
He pulls me into his arms and holds me to him tightly. I cling to him and before I know it, he's standing and walking me out of the room.
"W-Where are we going...?" I question, my voice cracking as I speak.
I feel like I'm going to get thrown...
Oh no.
I feel sick.
I press my face against his shoulder and cling to him, staring at the floor as he walks.
He takes me into the room next to ours and sits me down on a counter. He flips the light on and I see we're in a bathroom. He digs around in the drawers underneath me and stands up with a first aid kit in hand.
"I don't need..." I begin to claim, but I trail off before I can finish the sentence.
I don't want to talk anymore. I feel light-headed, like I might faint.
I just watch him.
"Let me do this. It's the only thing I can do to actually help. Please." He begs.
I just blink at him, staying silent.
He cleans the blood off my hands and arms before wrapping them up in bandages. Then he sighs deeply.
"I'm going to clean the blood out of your hair, alright?"
I feel another panic attack forming in my chest.
I'm not quite sure why, but it's either something about someone else touching my hair right now, or just the idea of blood in my hair...
Something about it all freaks me out.
I try to push it all away and let him do what he needs to do, but as soon as he brings a wet cloth to my head, I wince as if it hurts.
A flashback tells me exactly why I don't want this right now; I recall my father grabbing me by my hair and dragging me on the ground.
"No." I put my hands up to stop him.
His hand stops mid-air and he searches my face for a moment. He then sits the washcloth and his hand down and takes a step back, trying not to crowd me.
I freak out again, despite his efforts.
My eyes don't leave him as I feel my hands shake and a sort of tingling sensation on my scalp.
I bite my lip and curl my fingers around the edge of the counter.
"I- um..." I clear my throat, "Do whatever y-you need t-to..." Just get it over with...
He hesitantly steps forward. "If it's too much then tell me and I will stop." He then gently begins wiping the blood out of my hair with the wet cloth.
I comfort myself by holding on to his wrist as he does so. Somehow, I feel at least a bit more in control.
It's not quite enough. I have to hold back tears throughout the whole thing.
As soon as he says "All done" I burst into tears and reach out for him. He picks me up again, holding me close to him.
I tuck myself against him, holding on so tightly, mentally repeating to myself over and over again that he isn't going to hurt me.
I rub my head. "Thank you." I tell him.
I don't want to have to go through that ever again.
"Of course. Do you want to go back to bed?"
"I don't know... I... I'm...tired, but..."
I can't get a full sentence out. I just don't know about going back to bed. I'm sick of these nightmares.
"We don't have to go to sleep. I just thought laying down might be a little more relaxing."
I nod against him. "Yeah..." I sigh.
He carries me back to the bedroom, laying me down first before plopping down next to me.
I can tell he needs some more sleep...
I sniffle and wipe my eyes. I have to keep reassuring myself that everything is okay. Even though everything is not okay...
I still feel faint. I don't think there's any way I can completely calm down tonight.
"I love you." He says, "And I'm not going anywhere. And you're not going anywhere. And no one can hurt us anymore."
End