Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use.
Damien's P.O.V.
-Tuesday, November 9th-
I wake up naturally, with no alarm, no one trying to wake me, no nothing.
We moved to the couch in the middle of the night when I kept nodding off.
I look down and see that Josiah is still in my arms. He's not asleep. He's looking at me.
"Good morning." He says softly, blinking up at me with his big blue eyes. They look worried.
For good fucking reason, I suppose.
I kiss him on the forehead and then pull him into me closer, getting comfortable. "What time is it?" I yawn.
He curls into me. "I don't know...but I turned the school alarm off a while ago..."
I look down at him, surprised. "Yeah... Why didn't you get me up for school? You're always so adamant about it."
He just looks up at me again. "After..." He stops, as if he's not able to say what he means, "...After last night, I really don't think you should worry about school today. And you're so tired, I didn't want to wake you up."
I nod and smile at him gently. "Thank you."
He looks away from me and stares up at the ceiling.
"About yesterday..." I start, "I'm so fucking sorry about what I did to you... I..."
Just thinking about it makes my chest fill with pain.
He looks over at me, and there must be something on my face, because he says, "It's okay."
"No." I manage, "It's not okay, because I did exactly what I've always promised that I would never do. I hurt you, and hurting you is the last thing I would ever, ever want to do and..."
"You didn't hurt me. It didn't hurt anyway, and I'm okay. It's okay."
"Okay." I say, nuzzling my face into his chest. He seems a bit surprised, but lets me.
God, after yesterday, I just want to stay here forever. He gently puts his arms around me, and for some reason, I really want to cry.
I hold back tears as I mumble into him, "I just...I love you so much."
"Relax. I love you, too. And I'm so sorry for leaving yesterday...and not answering your calls."
He begins to play with my hair, and this only makes me cry more. Tears are now falling freely.
He sighs deeply, "We'll be okay. Don't cry, please..."
I wrap my fingers in his sweater, trying desperately to calm myself down.
"I'm sorry." I manage yet again. "I think I could just apologize and apologize and keep doing it until the day we die."
"The day we die? Are we dying on the same day? That's poetic."
I let out a short laugh. "We're going to die in a fiery car crash at the same time and both die immediately and with zero pain and then that way neither of us have to be without one another."
"That's depressing. Why can't we just die in our sleep whilst we dream of each other? And they find us dead, still cuddled up together."
"...I guess that's a little nicer. I don't know. There's something cool about flames and fire trucks and being an inconvenience to traffic."
"Don't make me hate the car, too. Oh my gosh. Stop." He laughs.
I play with a thread coming off his sweater. "What now?"
"I don't know."
"We should get you a new sweater." I say, pulling the thread off of it.
"No. You should just stop messing with it. They're all fine."
I hold the thread out. "This one is shedding."
"Stop... You're going to ruin it."
I sit it back where I pulled it from. "There. Good as new." I say, patting his arm where I took it from.
I can't think about yesterday.
I have to get over this, and fast.
We don't have time for me trying to kill myself every night...
"Jeez. Thanks."
"Of course."
"Alright. Next time, just don't do it in the first place."
"Can we...keep this a secret...not the sweater, but what I was going to do?"
The less people that know I was going to kill myself, the less people that will know to worry if i try again...
"No. I don't think so."
"Why not?" I ask pulling away a bit to look up at his face.
"You need to tell Pierre. Someone does. He has to know, because he cares almost as much as I do."
"I can't tell him. He'll freak out. You guys shouldn't worry about me. You shouldn't even know."
"If I wasn't worried about you, we would both be dead. Sometimes, it's better that people know."
"I don't want him to look at me like that."
Josiah's been doing it all day...
Looking worried.
"Like what? Like you need help?"
"Like you're scared."
I don't want him to be scared.
I want him to realize this is right.
This is what has to happen.
I want him to be happy.
"Scared for you? We have always been that way. I don't know what look you're talking about, but I would assume you've been getting it for a long time."
"Well, I haven't seen it until now."
Or maybe I'm just sober enough to pay attention.
"Are we sure you're not the blind one?"
"I guess I just see what I want to see sometimes."
"Yeah. I think everyone is that way, though."
I rest my head on him and sigh. "Please don't make me tell him."
"I'll tell him."
"...I don't want you to."
"Why not?"
"I just told you why. I don't see what the big deal is."
"Your reason for why is because you don't want him to worry about you...? Even though he already does."
"I don't want him to worry more. He and you worry way too much. Really, I'll be fine."
The thoughts aren't so loud today, more like a dull ache in the back of my head.
But they're still there.
"We obviously don't worry enough. I wish I could have stopped you and helped."
"You did stop me. I'm right here."
I mean, I am physically anyway...
"...I guess so."
To my surprise, he pulls me into a kiss...
It takes everything in me to control myself.
What I wouldn't give to just kiss him until I couldn't feel anything...
I hear the door open and my mom says, "Damien could you...what the FUCK are you doing?!"
Oh my god. Oh my god.
I immediately push Josiah away as gently as possible and get up, coming face to face with my furious mother.
"Mom, I..."
"Downstairs. Now." She says in a threatening tone.
Josiah is standing in seconds, looking terrified.
I follow her out the door and before I leave the room I say to him quietly, "Pack up all of your stuff. We'll have to leave."
She's going to kick me out.
I know it.
As soon as we're downstairs, she loses it.
"How could you do something so...unnatural?! I thought we took care of this years ago! What do you think your father would say if he knew that you were with...with him." She spits out. The way she says him is as if it tastes bad in her mouth.
Oh god, I don't have the mental stability for this right now. I feel tears come to my eyes.
"He," I start, "Has a name. And he's my boyfriend."
"No, he fucking isn't. You're not allowed to see him ever again. Tell him to get out of my house, or there will be consequences. You couldn't have expected this to end well, could you?! How could you do this to me? Your own mother. But more importantly, how could you do this to God?!"
"Do this to you? I'm in love with someone, who loves me back, and he is fucking amazing. And you want to know how I could do this to you?! And don't bring your fucking god into this."
My hands turn to fists and I have to breathe, and slowly release them. My hands are trembling.
"Please. Don't do this. You don't have to."
She looks furious now. "No son of mine would ever be with a man like that. Not now, or ever."
Tears fill my eyes. "Mom, please don't do this. You're really going to push away the only family you have left? Over somthing so fucking stupid?!"
Her eyes are cold, and I know that this is it. "Get your stuff and get out. You're no son of mine until you realize how much of a goddamn fool you're being. Maybe some time on your own will straighten you out. And take that piece of shit with you."
"No." I say furiously, a single tear falling down my face, "No. I'm never coming back here. If you really want to do this to me... Then this is fucking it. You will never see me or hear from me ever again. You will die in this big house alone. Do you understand?! Don't you see you're the one that's wrong here?! You're pushing away the only family you have left!"
She stares at me coldly.
"Mom, please..." My voice breaks and I start crying now. "Please don't do this."
As much of an ass as she is, she's still my mom.
She crosses her arms. "I don't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. Maybe leaving will straighten you out, toughen you up. You'll be back. You'll realize how wrong you are someday."
"Mom, don't..." I clench my jaw, trying to stop crying.
"Did I not make myself clear the first time?! Get the hell out...and don't come back until you've grown up. I'm late for a meeting. You better be gone by the time I get back."
She leaves the house.
Going god knows where to her stupid meeting.
I hear her get in her car and speed away.
Of course she's leaving, putting work or religion before her family is all she's ever done.
Well, not anymore.
We're leaving.
I run upstairs and I see Josiah is at the edge of the stairs, most likely listening to the whole thing. He has all of his things in two bags. He has his school backpack and another one draped over his shoulder. I'm assuming it has his clothes in it. He's also in his coat and has his shoes on.
"What's going on? Are you okay?"
I ignore him and go into my room, frantically shoving stuff into my backpack.
I go to my closet and grab the lock box and stuff it in there. In it is my gun and all of my money that I got out of the bank for Josiah....
I guess I'll need it, either for both of us, or just for him.
I need to go to the bank and withdraw the money my dad left to me as soon as possible. Before she thinks to freeze my funds.
As I frantically pack, Josiah says, "Are we l-leaving? Where are w-we g-going?"
I continue to ignore him.
Once I have all of my essentials, I zip up the bag. I quickly rip my clothes off and Josiah turns away blushing.
I don't care.
I change into some jeans and a random black shirt. I then put my boots on and I throw my coat on, along with my beanie.
"Hey! Please t-tell me what's going on. I'm s-scared... Please."
I stop, slipping my bag over my shoulder. "She's kicking us out because shes a fucking idiot who decided to believe what she was taught instead of being a normal fucking human being. So we have to leave. I have to get to the bank and get all of my dad's money out before she takes it "
I take one final look at my room, angry tears filling my eyes. I then lead him out to the garage.
I can't take my motorcycle. Logistically, the car makes a lot more sense.
God. I'm going to miss it.
I get in the car and we sit all of our stuff in the backseat.
I turn to look at him and I see that he's crying, too. We drive in silence to the bank, and he follows me inside. I get everything he left me in his will...
It's a lot of cash to just carry around, but once we have a place or something, it won't last long enough.
I need to get a job.
I stuff all of the money in my backpack and we leave as quickly as we came.
It's a lot. But it won't be enough forever. Enough for us to find a place and be okay for a while...but then what?
What are we going to do?
When we get in the car, I put my hands on the steering wheel and rest my head on it, too. "What the fuck are we going to do?"
"I don't know! I don't even understand what's going on! If we're moving out, then... We have to find somewhere to stay."
"She kicked us out! What's there to understand?"
What's there to get?
"I don't understand why! Why can't we just stay home? Why is she mad?!"
"She kicked us out because shes a fucking homophobic asshole who puts her own hate before her only family she has left! That's why!" I angrily wipe the tears out of my eyes, "We need to find someone to stay temporarily. Until we can find our own place. Don't worry, I'll...I'll figure this out."
"I-I wanna go home, though... There's no way we c-can go b-back? There...there's no where else w-we can go, then..."
I search my brain fervently.
Who doesn't hate us?
"No, Josiah. We can't go back. Ever."
"What are we going to do, then?"
"I don't know! I... I can't think right now I.."
The thought comes back, louder than ever.
I should be dead...
If I was dead, we wouldn't have this problem.
Josiah would be with Pierre and...
It gets hard to breathe and I feel myself start shaking.
"Why would she do this?" I ask him, "Why is it that no matter what I do, I'm never going to be good enough for her?!" I hit my head on the steering wheel, trying desperately to get my brain to shut up.
"No. That doesn't matter. She's just an asshole."
I hit my head again.
"Damien..."
I can't do this, I can't breathe...
Suddenly the car feels so, so small.
I stumble out of the car and try to take a deep breath, leaning heavily against the car.
I could outrun him. If I just ran off, and took my gun and...
Just run.
The door opens and Josiah is by my side immediately.
"Hey. Damien, seriously. Nothing is going to work out if neither of us are thinking straight. Come on. Relax."
I thread my fingers through my hair, grabbing it tightly. "I can't stop."
"You have to."
"Well I fucking can't! I don't know what to do! I have no plan! We have nowhere to go! What are we going to do...?!"
"Take a break. Stop everything for a moment and just wait."
"I can't. My brain won't shut up." I let go of my hair and rub my temples, my head pounding.
"That's why you just need to stop. Shut your mind off for today."
"She broke my guitar." I say quietly, "That's how I always shut it off."
That and drinking, but I know he won't take that as an answer.
"You can't just...do it automatically on your own? Then just buy a new one."
"No. I can't just do it. And we have to save our money for a new place. I'll be okay... I'm okay." I breathe, saying it more to convince myself than anything.
"I can just do it...but you usually hate that, so I guess I won't, either. How much do houses cost...? How much do you have?"
"Not enough." I guess. "I really don't know how much anything fucking costs. I don't know anything about anything, Josiah! That's why we can't do this and..."
He cuts me off, putting a hand on my ridged arm.
"Then learn."
"..." I sigh, "Okay... I will. But What are we doing tonight?"
Or tomorrow night, or every night until we find somewhere...
"I told you. We'll do nothing."
I shiver, the cold wind blowing past us.
"We'll freeze if we don't do anything."
"We'll be fine. You can have my coat, if you're cold."
"Mine's in the car. Keep it."
"But you were worried about freezing."
I sigh. "It will just get colder tonight, and even if we stay in the car, it won't stay warm for very long. We can't kill the battery."
"And that's why I said you could use my coat. As a blanket. It's super soft."
"I don't want you to freeze, let me rephrase that."
We should go back in the car, but I can't move yet.
"I would be fine. I have an acclimation to the cold."
I lean my head back and sigh. "Alright. I guess our plan is...no plan?" I ask, looking over at him.
"Yeah. For now. Until one of us comes up with a plan."
"Okay." I say, getting back into the front seat.
He comes around and climbs back in.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to freak out like that..."
I need to get myself under control.
"It's fine. We'll be okay."
"I really hope so."
...
Once it gets dark, we park the car in an abandoned mall parking lot, and we have to wait out the night...and however many nights it takes me to figure out what the hell is going on and what the fuck we're going to do.
As we cuddle in the backseat, his head resting on my chest, all I can think about is him saying to learn.
Just fucking figure all of this out...
right. It's that easy.
I stay quiet all night, contemplating just leaving,
Running until I can't run anymore and then running some more.
Getting the fuck out of this city.
I watch the snow hit the windows and I shiver slightly.
It's cold, but not as bad as it could be, at least we have the car...
There has to be somewhere we can go...
...
-Wednesday, November 10th-
Morning seems like it takes a fucking lifetime to get here, but when Josiah wakes up, I kiss him softly on the top of the head.
I need to keep this as manageable as possible.
Keep the conversation light, and not fucking abandon him alone here to go kill myself.
As tempted as I am to do that, I couldn't.
I'm an asshole, but not that much of an asshole.
"Morning." I say to him softly.
"Hey."
"Hey." I say shifting slightly. "Now what?"
"I don't know. What do you think?"
Right.
"Um..." I sigh, "I don't know."
All I want to do is drop him off at Pierre's and then go...
Oh my god.
I really am a dumbass.
I smack myself on the forehead. "I'm an idiot!"
"Yeah. I thought you already knew that...?"
Pierre.
He'll help.
I know he will.
"Duh. Pierre will let us stay with him. I know it, I'm so stupid. We didn't even have to stay here all fucking night...."
"No... Let's not stay with him."
I blink at him. "Are you serious? It's not like we have any options, Josiah. We can't live here.'"
"You might get the idea that you can leave me again. You can't. Pierre doesn't fix anything, and even if I get comfortable with him, he isn't you. Don't."
I ignore him. "Well, too bad. We're going. It will be fine Josiah."
As soon as I get him settled in, then...
"Okay. But I'll never like him, alright?"
"Yeah, okay."
Bullshit. It'll just take him time.
We move to the front and I turn the car on and speed over to his house as quickly as I can. When I park on the street outside his house, I call him.
He doesn't answer.
I get out of the car and Josiah follows me, holding onto the back of my jacket tightly. I take his hand in mine and he seems to calm slightly. I knock on the door and after a few fervent knocks, he opens the door.
He smiles. "Damien, Josiah!" I must look as stressed as I'm feeling, because his smile falls immediately. "What...?"
Before I can stop myself, I hug him tightly.
He seems confused, but he hugs me back.
"Damien, what's going on?"
I let him go and he ushers us inside.
Before I know it, we're sitting on his couch, and Josiah has a blanket. He is trembling so badly.
"Mom..." I start, and my voice cracks, tears ready to fall at a moment's notice, "She kicked us out. Because she found out about us."
His eyes go sad. "Well, you guys can just live here. you don't have to go anywhere." He insists.
"No, we have money. Don't worry. I got plenty before I left. We just need a place to stay until I find somewhere safe." I insist, hoping this will make Josiah stop worrying, so that I can actually leave.
"Well, I'm glad to help in any way that I can. Have you two eaten yet?"
"No. We haven't had anything yet." I say, shifting in my seat.
I'm really not hungry, but Josiah should eat, and I know he won't if I won't...
Pierre stands up and says, "Make yourselves at home. One of you can sleep in the bedroom at the end of the hall, and for now one of you can take the couch."
Pierre leaves the room and I stand up. "I call the bedroom!" I say, attempting to lighten the mood, considering Josiah is just staring into the corner silently.
He looks up. "What?"
"Did I stutter?" I say jokingly, putting my hands on my hips.
He cracks a small smile.
"You're not even going to fight me for it?" I ask him, egging him on.
Keep it light and happy, make him think everything's okay...
"I guess I can, if you want..." He shrugs, "I want the bedroom."
"...Wow. Very convincing. I guess you get the bedroom, then. There's nothing I can do." I shrug.
Good. If I'm on the couch, I'll just wait till tonight and be done with this.
"How are you so calm right now? Your mom just kicked you out..."
I start toward the door. "I'm pretending everything is okay until I eventually have a huge emotional breakdown!" I say, giving him a huge smile and shoot him finger guns.
He can't see them anyway.
He just looks at me worriedly. Per usual.
"I'm gonna just go get the stuff now."
Way to make it fucking awkward as hell, Damien.
God.
I leave the house and load up, bringing it all in one trip.
I dump all of our stuff into the small room that Pierre told us to go into. It has a twin sized bed...
I find them in Pierre's dining room, which is very much a bachelor pad to say the least. He has a table with only one chair, and I see him pulling two dusty folding chairs out of his garage and sitting them at the table. I watch Pierre pull three microwave meals out of the freezer.
"Sorry. I cook all day, so when I get home, I normally just eat these... I hope that's okay..."
"I'm happy to just not be on the street, really." I joke.
Pierre smiles and we all sit at the crappy little card table with our microwave food.
I think it's supposed to be some sort of meatloaf...?
Maybe...?
I don't know.
Josiah eats it silently. He doesn't look happy about it, but he eats the corn and the meat... If that's even real meat.
He then proceeds to eat his and my brownies.
I look around the house silently. I've only been here two other times, and that was when I was little. I'm honestly surprised I remembered how to get here on my own.
The entire house is small, but it's way better than Josiah's house was. Considering there are actual beds.
I'm not having Josiah sleep on a couch ever again. No matter what.
After tonight, it won't be an issue.
I don't know.
I'm so tired.
When we're done, I throw away our plastic trays and plastic utensils, and Pierre looks at his phone.
"Your mother wants me to come in early... Should I not tell her you are here?"
I blink. I didn't even think about that.
"It would be for the best if she didn't know. She could fire you over it. You know how weird she is about stuff like this. If you don't want us to stay we can get out, I don't want your job on the line because of this..."
His job is his life...
He puts a hand on my shoulder. It's such a fatherly gesture, it makes me want to cry.
"Damien, you're like a son to me. Really. I would never kick you out onto the street. You two are more than welcome to stay here for as long as you like. As you can see, I could use the company. Besides, I've only stayed in this job so long for you...but the pay's not bad, either." He laughs.
I smile at him and he returns it, getting up from the table. "I'm not sure what time I'll be back. But really, the TV and fridge are fair game. Just try not to mess up the place too much." He smiles, "See you two later." He says, grabbing his keys, wallet, and coat before heading out.
As soon as he leaves, I tell Josiah, "I'm going to go take a nap on the couch. I don't know what you want to do, but you're more than welcome to join me."
Don't join me.
"Maybe you should go rest, too... the room's open."
"I think I'm going to work on my homework and stuff. But I'll sit with you." He says.
He returns from the guest room with his school bag.
Fuck.
I guess I can use a nap...if I can sleep.
I lay down on the three man couch and he says, "Um? Move your ass."
"Um, no. Sit on the floor." There's not enough room. If I have to actually nap, then I'm going to be comfortable while I do it.
"Okay."
I grab the small throw blanket off the back of the couch and I use it to cover the upper half of me and I turn onto my side, getting as comfortable as I can on the small couch. I'm so tired, I could have fallen asleep standing up. I didn't even bother to take my boots off...
I'm so fucking exhausted. I swear, I could sleep for years...
End