Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use.
Josiah's P.O.V.
-Monday, November 8th.-
As soon as I ran off, I felt awful. Something kept screaming at me to go back and try apologizing again, but something else was screaming that I just don't belong there. So, I kept going.
I don't know what I expected from all of this.
From Damien...
From anyone in my life...
Or life in general...
But I went home. To my house...
I didn't expect it to be better, but I knew it was somewhere I could go...or, I thought it was.
The front door was unlocked when I got there.
My hands were shaking like crazy as I opened it.
Everything was quiet. My aunt was sitting on the couch, feet propped on the table in front of her. Based on the smell and the general fogginess of the whole room, she was smoking, as always.
I shivered when her eyes landed on me.
"...Where's dad?" I glanced at the door that led to the bedroom, before bringing my eyes back to her.
"Gone. Back in prison. Because of you..." She muttered.
I nodded. I felt calmer knowing that he wasn't there.
She suddenly stood and shot a sharp glare at me.
"You're not allowed in here anymore. Go back to your boyfriend."
I flinched away when she took a step closer.
"I can't." I told her.
She rolled her eyes and took a drag. "Did you already make him hate you?"
I nodded again. "I did... Please let me stay here for tonight."
Forever.
It's not like I have anywhere to go.
"No. Get out. I'm not dealing with your bullshit anymore."
I started to see the pattern in all of my relationships with others; I make them deal with too much bullshit and they end up hating me.
It happened with any friends I had when I was little, my father, now my aunt...
Damien, too.
...and my mother.
"I will never cause trouble ever again. I swear." I promised her.
"If you don't get out, I'll beat the shit out of you. Okay? Fuck off."
I backed off.
Even now, I don't have any clue where else I could have went. That is, if I actually left immediately.
"I don't care what you do to me. Why should I care? It's going to happen wherever I go. I might as well stay here."
"You're tough all the sudden? Just 'cause you fucked up your stupid relationship with that boy, doesn't mean you can come back here."
I took in a shuddering breath and looked her right in the eyes. "It was my home before it was yours." I reminded her.
Instantly, I was slapped in the face.
It hit me that, if I have to go through this anyway... Why don't I go back to Damien?
At least I love him. If I could be with him, even if he hates me and he were to do anything to me... I don't care about anything else. I just need him.
"I'll leave. I'm sorry."
I backed off more.
"If you ever come back again, I'll fucking kill you, okay? Better yet, since you don't know where to go, why don't you go put a bullet in your head like your mother did? Really. I'm so sick of you..."
I winced at her words, goosebumps formed on my skin as soon as she mentioned my mother.
The start of why everyone hates me now; My mother got tired of taking care of me, but she never had the nerve to kill, neglect, or abandon me. So she killed herself.
Because that was my fault, and it's why my dad beat me so much, that is also all my fault.
Now look at where I am with Damien.
I fucked everything up with everyone.
"I'm sorry for everything." I managed an apology to my aunt before slipping out of the house.
I pressed my back against the door after I closed it.
I checked my phone, and I considered calling Damien so I could apologize to him too.
I wish I could go back in time and apologize to my mother.
I hate being a burden.
One thought ran through my head; Since I love Damien so much...should I not go back to him?
He deserves so much better. He deserves someone he can freely touch anywhere and any time. Someone who doesn't bitch about everything.
...But, where else could I go?
I sighed and started walking aimlessly. I guess that I figured I would end up somewhere that I could actually stay.
Eventually, I ended up in a park.
"I could...stay here..." I mutter to myself as I sat on a bench that overlooked a beautiful pond.
Or I could drown myself in that pond...
Right now, I'm relieved that I didn't do that. But I definitely considered it for longer that I'm willing to admit.
Damien doesn't think I'm allowed to do most things that he thinks is okay for him to do.
It probably would have really pissed him off.
...If he lived.
I curled up, pressing my knees to my chest. It was starting to get really cold, and the sun was about to set already. That meant two things;
1. Winter is coming.
2. It's been at least an hour since I ran off.
Probably closer to two hours.
It looked like it might rain...
I checked my phone again, starting to get that feeling that I should text Damien back. This whole time, he has been spamming me with calls.
I knew that I should call him, or at least text him. But I decided not to.
Even when I was out in the snow, I didn't contact him.
Until I got an obnoxiously long text.
As soon as I read it, I knew that I had to go to him.
I had to apologize and try to get him out of this.
I messed him up like I did with my father, and I already knew that. But I didn't know that I did the same thing I did to my mom to him.
I stressed him out. I didn't just make him angry enough to get physically aggressive, I played a part in fucking up his mind enough to make him do what she did.
I don't even know where he is for sure...
He...
He would kill himself at school.
I rush there as quick as I can.
My heart pounds in my chest when I find him.
I really did mess up in the worst ways.
Saying that to him when he is in such a mindset, though... That would set him off.
I watch my words carefully as I talk him down.
I swear to god, I have never been more relieved than I am when we hug after all of that.
When we got home, his mother is here. She seems to be really upset with him.
After all of that, we go to his bedroom, and... Thank god, he let me stay with him.
Now, being cuddled up in his arms...
I can feel myself forgetting everything that happened earlier.
And I somehow feel safe again.
End